The Years of the Divided House
by signefalls
Summary: My attempt to write what happened next right after Noah's funeral and the fade to black. This story will follow all the riders throughout the war. There is a bit of language but mostly of the PG-13 variety.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

(Sept 1861- Rock Creek, Nebraska Territory)

It was a quiet night. Teaspoon Hunter walked the boardwalk one last time and turned back to his office. He didn't really need to be patrolling, one of his deputies could have done it, but he was restless. It was an unusual condition for him. Usually at night he'd lay down and sleep would claim him as soon as he hit his pillow. There were always things to worry on, but he had lived long enough to know problems had a way of working out if you just bided your time and were patient. He was having trouble sleeping lately though, the events of the last several weeks were troubles on a scale the likes of which he had never experienced. It was tearing his family in two and no matter how he thought on it, he couldn't figure out a way to stop it.

With a heavy sigh he sat at his desk in his office. He stared at his table top for a moment, ran his fingers through his long silver hair and rested his head in his hands. Well, he wasn't going to be sleeping anytime soon, he might as well write an overdue letter to another member of his makeshift family, would do him some good to get it all down on paper anyway.

My dear Amanda,

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. You have always had spunk my girl and I'm glad of it in these days. I've got some stories to tell you so I hope you've got some time for a long letter.

The first of it is Noah. I know you remember him. He died a month ago, killed in a skirmish with Pierson's raiders. You may have read about it in the papers. It was a senseless death and it's hurt us all terribly. He wanted to join the Union and fight for his people's freedom, but they wouldn't let him join on count of his color. Well, he managed to die trying to do right by his people anyway. Amanda you know this coming war and all it means hasn't been easy on my boys and Noah's death was the final straw.

Jesse has left with his brother Frank for the Southern cause. I had so much hope in him, that he was comin around, that he'd know we was just as much family as his brother only we could care for him so he'd still be a boy for just a little bit longer. Now he is lost to us, don't know if he'll ever come back. Cody joined the Union as a scout just before Noah's death. Mostly he's still the same ol Cody. He comes in and out of town and sometimes those bright eyes of his seem a little dimmer and his face a little harder. I didn't want him to join, still don't agree with him being in, but he's got a head harder than a goat, he didn't listen to no one.

I s'pose before I go any further I should tell you the express will end in a few weeks. Telegraph is breathin down our necks. I'll keep on marshalling here. I know I told you before I had thoughts of going back to Texas should she need defending. I still don't agree with Washington bureaucrats telling folk how to live their lives, but Noah dying... well that took the fight right out of me. I have seen too much killing, enough for several lifetimes and truth be told I just can't stomach negros being property no more, not after Noah, not after seeing the lynch mobs goin after runaways, doing unspeakable things. Home is here now, I have a place defending this town.

I surely wish Kid felt the same. You know Kid and Lou was planning on gettin married, well that happened right before Noah died. I wish you had been able to make it. It was the last truly happy moment we've had around here. Kid though, he's been going around this place like a caged animal. I don't know what he'll do once the Express is done. He won't have a job no more and he'll have one less reason to stay put instead of following into the fires his fool notion that he owes Virginia something. Yes I know I felt that way about Texas, I've fought for her before, but Kid he was just a boy last time he was there, he aint got no property or family to defend... just memories he's got put up on some pedestal. Lou ain't having it. They've been fighting nearly every day since the funeral. I don't think she realized how serious he was thinking bout goin back, and that he still wanted to go after Noah died? Bout knocked her off her feet. In her heart she's for the North, she always has been, Virginia isn't home to her, it's a place where Noah would have been in chains. Their last fight out in the barn was so loud near half the town heard them.

Jimmy's not helping either. Him and Kid they've got into it real bad several times. If they weren't best friends and like brothers I don't know if they wouldn't have killed each other by now. Rosemary Burke is making it worse. She's Isaiah Burke's widow. Suppose you've read about him too. He was the kind of abolitionist that probably harmed more than he helped, well Rosemary is a pretty little filly, not much older than the boys. She is trouble and everyone can see it but Jimmy right now. It was her doings that helped Noah get killed in the first place. Oh it weren't on purpose, but I think that's just her way and Kid blames her most of all and wants her to ride on out of town. Hell, we all do, but not if Jimmy goes with her. His grief is angry and I don't know what fool thing he'll get into if he joins up with her cause.

So now Lou, she's made it pretty clear, shouted it even that she's not going to Virginia, she knows she's got a home here. She's got siblings she wants to bring home from the orphanage and it pleases my heart to hear her say she'll stay, I just don't know what it will mean for this young marriage. Sometimes I wonder if they ain't just too young, stubborn, figurin out who they is to be man and wife. I know matrimony is a mistake I've made with the wrong person well, more than once. I thought they was so sweet on each other they could weather most anything, but I'm not so sure anymore, this fight brewin ain't like anything this country's seen before, brother against brother and now even man against wife.

I haven't forgot to tell you bout Buck. My dear, he might be the one I'm worried bout most, sides Lou. He took Ike's death so hard and now that Noah's gone that haunted look is back in his eyes. Maybe he needs this family most, being too white to be with the Kiowa, too Indian to be with the whites. He knows with us he's just Buck. I can feel the worry growin in the boy. He wants no part of this white man's war, he knows it's gonna spell trouble for the Indians, but how can he help them? These boys are my sons and you and Lou, you're my daughters, even if it ain't by blood. Maybe knowin that will be enough to get Buck to stay. I mean to offer him a deputy spot, even if it can only be part time. Lord knows I've deputized him more times than he can count as it is.

I've got another thought, just now as I write to you at this late hour. I'm going to have to ponder on it, but you might be getting another letter from me soon as there just may be a way you can play a part on it. It's a long shot, but maybe it just might be enough to keep some of us together. Oh and Rachel sends her regards. That's something else I've been meaning to tell ya. That a woman as beautiful and good as Rachel now considers me her beau is a blessing I'm still puzzling over. I don't understand it but I'm not going to look the gift horse in the mouth too much.

Until next time,

Your Teaspoon

He signed the letter with a flourish, addressed it and set the letter up neatly to be mailed in the morning. Even though it was late and he was dog tired, there was a spring in his step as he made his way over to Rachel's. He had the beginnings of a plan and something else, though he hardly dared to feel it... hope.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I Do not own the Young Riders. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 1<p>

Oct 1861

"Rider comin!... Jimmy you're up!" Louise McCloud called. Jimmy nodded her direction and made his way to his Palomino, he was still talking close with Rosemary as he saddled up. Lou had to admit they made a pretty picture. Jimmy had the appearance to match his reputation. He looked half wild, tall and lean with long, brown hair under his low slung hat. If she didn't known him so well she could almost see why people might be afraid of him. He would be handsome if his face wasn't so very hard. Most people didn't see the smiles or the twinkle in his eye when he was up to mischief, they just saw what they wanted to see; "Wild Bill" Hickok, not Jimmy.

Lou wrinkled up her nose, then there was the beautiful Rosemary, she was as tall and curvy as Lou was slight and thin. She had long black hair given to curl. Lou's brown hair was still growing out after years of wearing it short like a boy. Lou disliked the woman, maybe partly from petty jealousy, but Lou usually didn't have time for such nonsense, the far stronger reason was the gut feeling that Rosemary was just no good for her friend.

Rosemary grabbed Jimmy's hand and held it, then leaned in till her lips brushed the back of his knuckles. Jimmy looked sotted over the woman and it was all Lou could do to not lose her breakfast. Instead she just rolled her eyes and made her way closer to watch the exchange.

"Take care Lou, Rosemary, see you both tomorrow if all goes well... and Lou" he dropped his voice a little and looked her right in the eye. "You'll look out for Rosemary for me..." It was more of a statement than a question. A sarcastic denial started to form on her lips, but she caught his eye and stopped.

"Sure Jimmy... for you"

"Hah! Hay Jimmy have a good ride!" Buck Cross galloped in, the mochilla was passed and Jimmy was gone with a wave. Buck rode past the two women and into the barn.

"Don't worry about me Louise, I really can take care of myself, contrary to what you may have heard"

"Oh believe me, I think you can take care of yourself just fine".

"Oh. well good. I'll just make my way back to my hotel now".

"And how long do you plan to spend in that hotel; it's already been several weeks, hasn't it?"

Lou was trying to make her voice sound sweet and was failing.

"Umm well I guess that depends". Rosemary's voice trailed off.

"Depends on what". Lou took a step closer to the other woman.

Rosemary's head shot up and her back straightened.

"It depends on how long it takes for James to realize he needs to leave with me"

And there were the words Lou had dreaded to hear, but knew were always under the surface.

"Just why should he go with you?" She dropped all pretense of niceness.

"Louise I know you're married to a man who is going to fight for the So..."

"Leave that out of this!"

"Ok, but I just don't think you understand how important someone like James is for our Cause! His father rode with us; his brother in law, his sister supports us. It's in his blood. "

"He has family here too!"

"Yes and what do you have for him, a job that ends day after next? Where are you going to be next week, Louise, traveling to Virginia? And you..." She noticed Buck had walked up behind Lou after stabling his horse. Rosemary paused. If anyone could make Rosemary nervous it was Buck. He may wear the dress of a white man but his skin was dark, he had the face of a warrior, he sometimes carried a bow and arrow as well as a huge knife strapped to his boot. He wore a medicine pouch around his neck, and he had an earring in one of his ears. His black hair was longer than Jimmy's. She was not familiar with his world or his ways, but more unsettling was how he'd look at her with those dark eyes of his, it made her feel like he could see through her into her soul.

He was glaring at her now, and was close enough to feel like he was looming over her. She snapped out of it and continued on

"Buck, are you going to stay in Rock Creek? Go to the Indians? What do you have to offer James?" They both looked like they were going to interrupt so she forged ahead.

"You may find this hard to believe but I care for James deeply... I may even be falling in love with him, but more important to me is this cause. The Cause needs James even more than I do". She looked almost satisfied with her argument.

"Or his Colts"

Buck looked for some kind of reaction in her and thought he might have seen a flicker of guilt, even fear pass briefly in her eyes.

"His guns and his reputation as "Wild Bill"? Would be a pretty good recruitment tool. To have Wild Bill Hickok and his matching six shooters riding with you. Putting fear into those who oppose you... I'd say that's pretty important to you."

Rosemary looked at Buck and then at Lou, and pressed her lips into a thin line.

"I don't think there is anything more left to say... I'll see you when James gets back"

She walked off stiffly in the direction of her hotel. Lou was about to open her mouth and shout that there was plenty left to say, but Buck squeezed her shoulder.

"Let her go Lou. It won't help none and I don't want to be around her anymore than you do"

"Ugh!" Lou kicked the dirt with her boot. Right now she was wearing a riding skirt but she wished she was wearing pants and had her gun... if she had her gun she could shoot that smug look right off her face.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't shoot her" Buck smiled at Lou's shocked and reddening face.

"I said that out loud?"

"Mm-hm, maybe you could use a frying pan instead. Worked pretty good on Tompkins, he had bruises for a month!"

Lou let out a loud laugh that surprised even her. " He had it coming, how he treated you in his store... hay and maybe it even helped a little... you two almost get a long nowadays!"

"Oh his face!" she was really starting to laugh "That frying pan was heavy, if I hadn't hit him swinging that thing, I would've fallen over!" Now Buck was laughing right along with her.

"Don't tell no one that last part, I'll deny it; say it was light as a feather!" She poked him in the stomach for good measure.

"You're secret is safe with me"

Buck took in the sight of Lou's smiling face, her eyes were shining from laughter. She looked beautiful, like she was lit within. Buck swallowed, thought of Kid and looked away, a well conditioned response when it came to Lou. They walked towards the barn.

"Since you're in such a good mood, maybe you can help me feed and brush down Warrior, while I wash up" He emphasized his point by patting his clothes. Dust flew everywhere.

"I don't mind at all. Warrior's such a good horse and he never argues".

Buck was about to let that last comment go, but couldn't.

"Where is Kid today, Lou?"

She grunted. "Out riding somewhere, least ways I think he is, left our room at the boarding house before I woke up. I came over here looking for him and Katy was gone. Thought I would help out Teaspoon and Rachel today, then I saw Jimmy gettin ready for his ride, now you know the rest".  
>There was a long moment of silence. A moment of shared frustration and pain. The youthful light he had seen in Lou's eyes a moment before was gone. He sighed.<p>

"Thank you Lou, for the frying pan, and for wanting to shoot Rosemary between the eyes" He said with a smile.

Lou gave a little smile back.

"Well you and Jimmy are family, you're dear to me and I protect what's mine"

"I know". He reached over to give her a hug, but stopped and chuckled. "Bath first" and with that he walked out of the barn.

Lou went through the motions caring for Buck's horse as she heard his footsteps fade. The few moments of friendship and levity almost made it more painful as her feelings of grief and uncertainty returned. Her future was on shifting sand and there was little she could do to make the ground under her feet solid again. She missed Kid. Where had he gone anyway?

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><p><strong>AN: So this is where my story gets going. I wrote the prologue mainly for the benefit of several "betas", my friends and family who have been reading my chapters for the last month or so. They never watched the show so I had to get them up to speed. The last time I wrote any fiction was in middle school, so yeah... there has been several years in between. I would love to hear what you think! I have much more written so I will update frequently.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

"Woah girl". Kid slowed his horse and patted her neck. He had been riding aimlessly for hours. Now he found himself on a hill overlooking the banks of a creek he and Lou frequented when they wanted to get away. It was nice and secluded. There was an overhang of trees close to the water, perfect to lean up against and fish the day away or picnic or... he mentally shook his head at the images of him and Lou doing more than just fish. Remembering all that wasn't going to help him think just now. He fingered the letter in his pocket. It was from his mother's sister, his aunt Elizabeth. It had left Virginia months ago and had just reached him yesterday. It simply read:

My dear nephew,

Much has changed since you departed this soil. I suppose you know Virginia seceded from the Union in April. My boy, your cousin Daniel left to put on the grey as soon as the news reached us. I am writing though on behalf of your grandfather. He passed two days ago at a great old age. In the days before his death he spoke of you often. He said to tell you to remember what he said last time he saw you and that he prayed you would keep your promise. He did not say more than that. I pray this letter finds you well and may God give you strength to keep your vow to my father, whatever that may have been.

Elizabeth

Kid led Katy across the water to drink and sat under one of the trees. It had been a warmer than usual autumn but just then in the shade he could feel the first shivers of winter. He pulled his coat tighter, leaned his head against the tree and closed his eyes. He remembered his promise well.

"Boy? I say boy! Don't just stand there in the shadows, let me have a look at you!"

"Hello grandfather"

Kid slowly approached, an uncertain smile on his face.

"Ah! Yes you surely are my Sarah's son, from the freckles upon your nose, the reddish tint to your hair and your eyes... you have her very eyes, blue as the sky."

Kid grabbed the old man's outstretched hand. He had a surprisingly strong grip for one with such a fragile appearance.

"How old must you be now?"

"Sixteen just this past May"

"As tall as a man already! Sixteen is a fine age, a good time to start adventures. Sit, sit please!"

Kid willingly obeyed and pulled up a chair, probably the finest chair he had ever laid eyes on.

"Elizabeth tells me you plan to seek your future out west"

"Yes sir"

"Good opportunities I suppose for a boy with your skill with horses and determination"

"I hope so sir"

Kid still didn't know why he had been summoned to this grand house. He hadn't been there since he was a child.

His grandfather had seen the bruises on his mother. There had been a huge fight and his half drunk and enraged father had dragged them all away, screaming at the old man that this was the last time he'd see his daughter or grandsons again. That proved true until now, his father had broken his mother's body and spirit till she wasted away. Then a few weeks ago his father had died in a gunfight at the local saloon. Jed had taken the brunt of their father's anger since their mother's death and left home with friends the first chance he got. Only Kid was left and he wanted to get as far away as possible from the crumbling shack filled with bad memories. There had been no kindness or nurturing since Sarah had died.

"I suppose you are wondering why I so desired to see you before you left"

"Yes sir, the thought had crossed my mind"

The old man leaned back in this chair, his face looked pained and drawn.

"I wanted to tell you about your mother, your family... and this land. Did you know a Harris has owned this land since 1636?"

Kid shook his head.

"The Harrises came over here near the beginning of Virginia you know, almost part of the original charter. They spent some time in Jamestown and had a bit of money. They sailed up the James River to this spot, just north of Charles City. My ancestor saw this plot of land and saw heaven. Of course at the time it was mostly trees and a little swamp, but Harrises have never been scared of a little hard work. They saw "green gold", tobacco... fields and fields of it. With blood, sweat and tears, they made this place successful. They made this place heaven."

The old man paused for breath and gestured out the window. Kid agreed, it was heaven. The house was like a palace, the grounds were beautiful. There were manicured lawns and roads lined with trees. The tobacco fields went on forever.

"I loved your mother very much, you know"

Kid just looked at him.

"For generations this place has been passed from father to son, but my boy Jonathan, he died with his mother shortly after his birth. I was left with Elizabeth, my eldest and my sweet Sarah. They were but girls, younger than you. They were both dear to me, but Sarah had the gentle temperament and the eyes of her mother."

The old man looked Kid in the eyes again and gave a small smile.

"I tried to do my best by them, make sure they wanted for nothing. Years later I hired a new stable master who had the reputation of having the best way with horses... yes, your father"

Kid started to squirm. He had an idea where this was going.

"Sarah was completely swept off her feet. He was considerably charming when he wasn't drinking. I was unaware of what was going on beneath my very nose, until I noticed your mother getting sick in the mornings, her nervousness around me, her growing form... yes your brother Jed. I confronted her with it... "I love him daddy, nothing else matters"... that's what she said to me. So I insisted your father do right by her and they were married quickly and quietly and I thought all would be well" His voice broke.

"You don't need to continue if you don't want to, I know my father started drinking too much and fought with you too much to stay... and I know my mother wouldn't leave his side"

"I was so angry for so many years. Your mother broke my heart. She was so intelligent and bright... but when it came to your father... it was like a sickness, she couldn't see it wasn't right how he "loved" her, until it was too late."

He paused again. It was almost too painful to talk about, but he persevered.

"I delighted in the times he would allow her to visit with you boys, but that one time, I suppose you remember it, the bruises she carried were too much for me. I begged her to leave him... that was the last time I saw her alive"

"I'm sorry grandfather" was all Kid could think to say.

"Now Jed, he's a good boy but I see a bit of the wildness of your father in him," before Kid could protest,"Oh now boy I think he will be fine... I pray he will be anyway... but you, aside from your horse sense, you're all your mother. You've got her brightness, her spirit. I couldn't let you go out west before seeing "her" in you again"

"Well... maybe I could stay for a day or two before I leave"

The old man's face lit up, he grabbed Kid's hand.

"That would be delightful"

For the next two days his grandfather talked to Kid almost non stop. He showed him portraits, letters, maps and the family bible. He told him stories of generations of Harrises, of his own youth. He told him more about his mother than he had ever known. Kid walked the paths in the gardens. He felt his very soul reaching down through his feet into the soil. The good in him, it was from this spot. This was home. Though his grandfather tried to get him to stay, his youthful desire for adventure could not be set aside. As he stood before his grandfather for the last time, the old man pressed two 20 dollar gold coins in his hands.

"No please, it's the least I can do, it should help with food, transportation... I'd like to give you much more, but I think this is the most you in your stubbornness will let me offer"

Kid laughed. "Yes, that's probably true."

Then his grandfather took a deep breath and looked him the eye.

"I'm going to ask you something, probably something I've got no right to ask you, but I'm going to anyway... Promise me, if this land... if this way of life that has built the Harris family to what it is today, is ever threatened... I read the papers, I know that day may come... Promise me that you will come back, that you will defend this land. This land made you, loves you. It's in your blood. I will go to my grave at peace if I know you, brave boy that you are, will defend my final resting place." Tears rolled unchecked down his withered face.

Kid stared right back into the depths of his grandfather's eyes and saw the desperation and love there, his next words were easy.

"I promise."

A big smile broke across the old man's face, Kid got a glimpse of what he must've looked like as a much younger man.

"Thank you".

Soon Kid was on his way with a sack lunch and the two gold pieces in his pocket. They felt heavy, to him it was a small fortune. As he walked down the long path to the main road, he heard singing coming from the fields. It was a mournful tune and it reached into his very heart. He turned and saw the slaves picking tobacco, saw white men on horseback watching their every move. Even in the heat of the noon sun he felt chilled. This was part of his family's way of life too. Then he saw a girl, several years younger than him with a bucket of water and ladle walking close by on her way to the fields. She was not near as dark as the rest of the slaves, in fact if she hadn't been dressed like a slave, he might not have been able to tell. Her curly hair was a light brown, her skin like she was deeply tanned. She turned and looked at him and Kid stopped dead in his tracks. Her eyes were bright green. She held his eyes and it felt like she was looking into the very depths of him. He wondered what she saw there. Then she dropped her eyes and made her way away from him and the spell was broken. Kid puzzled over the mystery of her very existence there on his grandfather's land and walked away.

Kid shook himself out of his reverie. He blinked, the sun was low in the sky, he had been gone too long, he needed to be going home. Then he stopped and let that word echo in his mind. His decision was made, he knew which "home" he was thinking about and the ramifications that went with his choice. It broke his heart.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

My Dear Amanda,

What I am about to ask you may be the craziest thing I have ever asked anyone...

Amanda O'Connel's saloon girl dress swished as finished her pacing to reread Teaspoon's letter for maybe the tenth time. She laughed and shook her head, her dark curls danced from the movement. Fate must have a hand in this one. She received a letter from Teaspoon chock-full of news yesterday only a few weeks after he had written it. She had gone to sleep last night trying to absorb all that letter contained and tried to figure out just what he was talking about at the end. What plan? How did it involve her? Then the very next day this second letter arrived with the biggest surprise she had had in a while. He was asking her to move to Rock Creek and not just move to Rock Creek, but sell her saloon and buy the smaller one recently vacated by one of Teaspoon's ex-wives. Polly was the name he mentioned. Wife number three. He guessed once she had caught wind of the change in his relationship with Rachel, Texas sounded more appealing to her than Rock Creek. The business was for sale dirt cheap. He had plans for the money from his share of the partnership and after all was said and done, he just plain missed her. If he could unapologetically beg her to come and live in Rock Creek just to be a part of his family, he would.

Amanda was not an impetuous person by nature, at least not where business was concerned. Cool and calculating was more like it, but it just so happened that yesterday an investor from Kansas City had rolled into town. He had sat down for a drink and flat out said he wanted to buy the place. She had turned it into a real upscale joint and he had family out that way. It was getting too hot for his tastes there by the border of a border state. Benton seemed like a nice town to settle down in.

She had told him she'd think on it. Then she had received Teaspoon's letter. The first time she had met and later left Teaspoon she told him she wanted to stand on her own two feet, show the world just how good a business woman she was. He'd puffed up his chest "of course you are my dear, not a thing you can't accomplish once you put your mind to it!" He'd given her a great gift when he had given her the key to the safe deposit box that contained the money for her saloon. He had given her a second chance, given her confidence and respect.

Lately it seemed the local dudes that hung around her saloon needed more than gentle reminders that she was not "that" kind of lady. She had heard every type of enticement, what was a pretty young thing like her working so hard for? They could meet her every need, she should be using those rounded hips to give men children and they'd be happy to oblige her. Men would drunkenly tell her that she had eyes like autumn wheat, skin like cream, her voice was like a gently flowing brook. Amanda thought on all the ridiculous flatteries with a groan. Her place was a respectable place and she was a successful and respectable woman. She shrugged her shoulders, maybe she had nothing left to prove. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to have a saloon in a town where the Marshall was her "father".

The smile on her face grew, well it looked like she had a few things to do today. First, she was going to find that business man and then go to the general store. She looked at the calendar on the wall. Yes, fate was definitely in this. Today was the first day the telegraph would be operational in Rock Creek. How fitting that mostly likely the first person to receive a telegram would be the station master of the Pony Express. It might cost her a pretty penny, but to get the news to him right away would be worth it.

TEASPOON. YES. WILL TAKE NEXT STAGE TO ROCK CREEK. AMANDA.

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><p>William F. Cody saw Rock Creek coming closer into view in the distance. He breathed a small sigh of relief. Soldiering was hard work. There were a lot more rules than he was used to and he felt like an odd duck out sometimes. It could simply be that he just didn't look like all the other regulars. Since he had special status as a scout he could keep his blonde hair nice and long. He still got to wear his buck skins head to foot and carry his own rifle. It was different than riding for the Express though and he was lonesome for his friends, maybe he'd stay at the bunk house tonight. Get some of Rachel's stew. Hell, maybe she'd make her famous chocolate cake if he asked nice enough, turn his big blue eyes on her, all puppy dog like. No woman could resist that, he was certain. The sound of his regiment and their horses clip clopping alongside him got his mind off food and his evening plans, at least for the moment. He'd been out scouting with a small band of soldiers today. Looking for Confederate supporting bushwhackers, again. He did his best with the tracks he saw and the information he was provided, but privately he hoped he didn't find them. Or at least didn't find Jesse. Frank could go hang for all he cared.<p>

They hit the edge of town and with a salute towards his Captain and a wave at his men he broke with the rest of the soldiers and headed towards Tompkins store. For a change he wouldn't show up empty handed for dinner. He'd get a few treats, maybe some licorice for Lou, he knew she'd like it and he was just tired of seeing her look so sad lately. Besides, tonight was a night of remembrance of sorts. If things went as scheduled the telegraph should be operational, Buck would have completed the last ride ever into Rock Creek for the Pony Express and as of this evening, the best job he'd ever had would be over.

"Good afternoon, soldier Cody!"

"Afternoon Tompkins"

Cody smiled, the man was looking at him with what could almost be described as affection. They must've really worn him down over the years.

"Got some new dime stories in if you're interested."

"Oh thanks, maybe next time, got enough real life goin on right now to have time read"

"So what'll it be?"

"Some hard candy, and a bag of licorice."

"For Lou huh? Teaspoon bought a bag for her a couple days ago, beat you to it"

"Figures, oh I'll take some anyway."

"Do you want to take home an even bigger present?"

Cody just looked at him and arched his brow. Tompkins eyes sparkled. He looked damn near giddy, it was unsettling.

"The first telegram came over the wire for Teaspoon not fifteen minutes before you got here. From some Amanda, and she said..."

"What? A telegram? Hand it over Tompkins, I'll let Teaspoon read it hisself."

He threw the money he owed on the counter and snatched the just offered paper out of the older man's hands. Then he grabbed his bag of treats and headed for the door.

"Yes to what do you think, eh Cody?"

Cody mustered every bit of maturity he possessed and folded the paper without reading it. Teaspoon had a right to read it first. He was practically in a run by the time he got to the bunk house door.

Rachel Dunne had dressed with care that morning. Her curly dark blonde hair was tamed into a stylish twist and she wore her favorite blue dress, the one Teaspoon said brought out the blue in her blue-grey eyes. She had been wearing this dress when she and Teaspoon had first admitted how much they cared for each other. It probably did too good a job showing off her assets to be proper school teacher attire, but by now the whole town knew she and the Marshall were "living in sin" and they still sent their kids to her school so she wasn't going to worry about properness too much. It may be a mystery to some, how a woman in her mid thirties could fall head over heels for an eccentric man twenty years her junior, but for her the answer was simple. She had met her match, they were two halves making a whole and as committed as they were to each other they were now equally committed to their adopted "kids" and building a future for all of them together.

Rachel put the finishing touches on dinner. Roasted chicken, biscuits and fresh sweet corn. It was one of the boy's favorite meals. She had even baked the famous chocolate cake. She usually saved it for happy occasions, birthdays mostly, but tonight seemed fitting. Everyone was already around the table besides Cody, she wasn't sure if he'd be able to make it or not. They were quiet, Teaspoon had had enough of the bickering days ago and proclaimed that if they didn't have anything nice to say, to not say anything at all and furthermore, all talk of future plans was to stop until after dinner tonight. They were going to have one last pleasant meal as a family before they all hashed it out. Kid and Jimmy were shooting each other dirty looks. Lou was next to Teaspoon and was as far away from Kid as she could be. Buck sat on the other side of her looking beat, frankly. He had completed the last run an hour ago and had just finished washing up. Rosemary wasn't there and for that Rachel was truly thankful. Maybe Jimmy did have some sense after all. This last meal didn't need the extra tension of her presence. There was already enough as it was.

"Teaspoon! Teaspoon!" The bunkhouse door flung open with a bang. Jimmy had his gun drawn in Cody's face before he had even entered the room.

"Oh knock it off Jimmy it's just me, jeez you're jumpy!"

"Yeah and you should know better, where's the fire Cody?"

Cody ignored him.

"Teaspoon you won't believe what I got for you from Tompkins store!"

"Well spit it out Cody we don't got all day!"

Teaspoon stood up, hands on his suspenders.

"The first telegram to Rock Creek is for you, it's from Amanda!"

"What?" He grabbed the paper from Cody's hands, the rest of the riders leaned forward as he quickly read the words.

"HOT DAMN!" He whooped and slapped his knee, then he grabbed Rachel and gave her a quick hard kiss on the mouth.

"I knew that girl would come through, didn't I say it Rachel? Well if this don't beat all!"

"Teaspoon what the hell is going on? What's Amanda got to do with anything?"

Jimmy leaned back on the bench and gave Teaspoon an impatient look.

"Now, Jimmy, boys, Lou, settle down. I'll explain it all. Rachel why don't you put out the vittles and I'll explain after we eat... no, now I mean it, AFTER we eat... I want to make sure we enjoy this meal before we get to talking"

Cody looked like he was about ready to jump out of his skin, but after grumbling a bit, sat down with a thud. They all knew how Teaspoon could be. Sometimes he just wouldn't be rushed.

"And how was the last run Buck?" Teaspoon was all propriety now.

Buck was too tired for all this commotion.

"Same as every other ride from Hollenberg, only this was the last time I'll have to deal with that real hilly stretch five miles east of here."

The rest of the rider grunted in agreement.

"Yep and no more dealing with how dry it is between Lone Tree and Summit" Lou added.

"Or that jackass station master at Ft Kearney, what Rachel, I'm sorry, but not only is he as mean as spit, he smells terrible, it was like he rolled around in horse manure right before I'd ride in" Cody's spirits brightened. This was the one thing they could all still talk about and enjoy. Together they could complain about the job they all loved and sometimes loved to hate like it was an art form.

"You know that all ain't nothin, nothing beats my time in Prosperity" Kid finally joined the conversation and threw out his trump card.

"Well we busted you out of that work camp before you got hurt too bad, ya big baby" Buck gave him a smile.

"Yeah and how many prisoners did we have to escort, how many "special rides" for the territorial governor? He should've had us on his payroll" Jimmy chuckled.

"Are you all forgetting the bear? Hell, no, the tiger! Noah and me takin that tiger to St Joe's beats everything!" Cody's voice grew louder.

"You're right, but it's Noah who wins, putting up with you singing the whole way there. I don't care if it was the only thing that made that cat sleep, it's a miracle he didn't shoot you" Lou's face softened as she remembered Noah ranting about Cody's tone deafness once they had returned safe and sound.

"Well, I still say the bravest thing I've ever seen was you Buck, rescuing Ike from the Kiowa. I'll never forget it" Kid nodded towards Buck.

"He would've done the same for me" Buck shrugged.

"Rachel!" Cody gasped, "Is that cake I see? chocolate cake?"

Teaspoon sat back and beamed, he looked over at Rachel, noted she wore a similar expression and winked. This is what he had been looking forward to all day long, what he had been hoping for. He knew any second someone would remember the telegram burning a hole in his pocket and the big conversation would begin. By the end of the night his boys and Lou would be angry and hurt again, struggling with their uncertain futures and threatening to leave him, never to return. But right now in these few brief moments all that was forgotten. They were family and they loved each other.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4

"Alright Teaspoon. We're all done eatin and being patient, what's all this about Amanda?" Jimmy pushed his plate away from him and settled in to be stubborn, should Teaspoon still want to stall.

"Well, she's moving here, son, said she was going to take the next stage"

"That's wonderful Teaspoon, but why?" Lou was getting impatient too.

"So's she can buy Polly's place course."

"Again... why?"

"So I can buy a horse ranch" Teaspoon was thoroughly enjoying their confusion. Lou just threw up her hands and waited.

"Amanda's going to sell her place and buy Polly's for a profit. She's buying out my share of our partnership. I've had the deed for Emily Metcalfe's farm since she moved back east. I'm going to buy her farm and try my hand at ranching."

"Have you ever ranched before Teaspoon?" Cody wasn't sure where this was going, but Buck had a pretty good idea, he almost allowed himself to get excited about it.

"I've done lots of things before, including ranching. Course that was over twenty years ago, and it was Longhorns instead of horses, but how different can it be?"

"I'm guessing you don't have to break these longhorns" Jimmy was shaking his head.

"Now, I don't recollect doing that, no... but I know these boys and one remarkable young woman who are experts with horses... and I've heard that they're all out of jobs, so I thought, I should offer them equal partnership in my ranch... even got a name picked out, the Express Family Ranch." He let all that sink in and eyed Rachel, she added.

"I know all of you won't be able to be here all the time, but Teaspoon and I would sure love to have you work with us to make this ranch the most successful one in the territory."

"Could use some help in the Marshall office too, maybe a part time deputy or two."

Teaspoon paused looking at his boys and Lou.

"So I've told you my plans, I thought that one at a time, the rest of yous could do the same... and we'll let everyone have their say, _without_ hollering or pulling out guns on anyone, alright? Lou, why don't you start?"

Lou looked around the room. Her eyes fell on Kid, who kept his eyes on the table top and nowhere else. After a long moment considering, she decided now wasn't a time for defensive words and anger towards him. She was just going to be honest with the people who cared about her.

"I want to bring Jeremiah and Theresa back to Rock Creek as soon as I can. I've been saving nearly every penny I've made here with the Express, so I'd have enough money to get them out of the orphanage. I thought with me and Kid, well we'd maybe get a little farm and take care of them together, raise them up right. I don't know what Kid's plans are now or what he'll say, but I've got a pretty good idea" She paused and stopped for a moment, bringing her emotions under control. "But I can't go anywhere else. This is my home now. So I've been trying to think of any way I could still bring them back now on my own. Thought maybe I could teach school with you Rachel, see if the livery would hire me, hell I even thought about asking Tompkins if I could work at his store" She let out a short laugh over that.

"Teaspoon, I would love to be a part of your ranch. You know how I know horses and how hard I work. Seems like I don't even feel alive if I'm not working hard. Jeremiah too, he's fifteen now, he would be a hard worker too and Theresa she can help with household chores when she's not doing her schooling" She was horrified to feel tears in her eyes threatening to run down her cheeks. She thought about not saying another word so the boys wouldn't see her cry, but let out a shuddered sigh and continued instead.

"I'm so thankful for you... all of you, being my "brothers" and my "parents" of sorts. I've thought for so many years that I would be alone caring for my siblings if by some miracle I was ever able to provide for them and give them a safe home, but now I realize even if I tried to care for them alone, you all wouldn't let me. You'll love them too, and you'll yell at them if they're being foolish and you'll teach em things that are important for them to know. I never had all that, and I'm so glad they will"

Without a word Rachel got up from her spot at the table and gave Lou a hug. Teaspoon reached over and grabbed her hand and cleared his throat several times. There were so many words he could say about how much Lou meant to him, instead he croaked out "of course, of course my girl"

Jimmy felt like punching Kid in the face, he didn't like seeing Lou sad at all. It might get him a swift kick with her pointy boot, but he smiled and said, "Now Lou, why would it be any different, we're already used to you, wearing us down as you have with all your stubborn ways, insisting on covering our backs even when we beg you not to, how bad can these two be? Plus they're littler, maybe there's some hope for them yet"

Lou gasped and just stared at Jimmy "why you mean, lilly livered son of a.." she laughed, a nice long laugh.

"Thanks Jimmy"

Then she kicked him under the table, of course. "No problem Lou" Jimmy grimaced and rubbed his wounded shin.

Teaspoon then turned to Buck. Buck had watched Lou's speech with a pained expression. Teaspoon noted it with a bit of surprise, and thought to mull on what that might mean a bit later.

"Buck? your turn"

Buck could barely look at Teaspoon. His heart was still pounding from sitting so close to Lou as she had shared what was on her heart and cried. With every fiber of his being he had wanted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her for as long as she needed it. Instead he had sat there silently with his hands balled into fists. He shot a quick glare over at Kid. How could he have just sat there?

"Buck?"

"Ummm, right, sorry. Well up until tonight, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I had thought about asking you Teaspoon about the deputy thing, so I'm glad you brought it up. I know I want no part in this war. Not to scout and not to fight... unless the fighting comes straight to the Indians while they are trying to live peacefully, but even then I'm not sure how I could help. I think horse ranching is something I could enjoy. I like the challenge of breaking in new horses. I think I'd like to breed them too, have the best horseflesh around these parts. I want to say I'll be around all the time from here on out, but I can't promise that. The people around here have gotten used to me, but there's still a lot I need to work out about who I am and where I belong. I'd like to try and see my brother Red Bear again. It would be tricky. Last time he told me to not look back. But I still love him and I want to see my nieces and nephews someday... I'll put off any of these travels till your horse ranch is up and running, how does that sound Teaspoon?"

"That sounds might fine to me son, mighty fine indeed."

Teaspoon hadn't even realized he'd been holding his breath. He had wanted Buck to stay the most because he knew Buck needed a reason to stay more than the other boys. A wave of relief washed over him. This was going better than expected.

"Alright Mr. Cody, would you care share your plans?" Teaspoon crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head.

"Well I suppose it's obvious that I'm in the army and will be soldiering for a while. I do like this ranch idea Teaspoon. I like that our express family is going to live on like this. Who knows how long this war will last and what I'll do after it's all over... just know I'll come home and be a part as much as I can." Cody fell silent and looked like we was struggling about whether or not he should say anything more.

"Noah dying in my arms was one of the worst things that has ever happened in my whole life. I close my eyes at night and I still see his face, his life slipping away from him. I know you didn't want me to join Teaspoon, but I'm more sure about my choice than ever. I need to do this for him." There was another long pause.

"Buck, I know you've been sore I'm using what you taught me bout tracking for the army. At the beginning I didn't understand what the big deal was. If there was Indians out there killin and causing trouble, we needed to find them and bring them to justice... but some of the men I ride with, they are more savage than any Indian I've ever met. They're ignorant and have no business soldiering... I don't know what I can say bout that cept... I'll try and do right by you Buck. I never want to have the blood of innocents on my hands"

Buck looked to Cody in surprise. Cody had actually listened to him. He wanted to say that from personal experience, working with the army would lead to nothing but innocent blood on his hands... and that's why he wanted to stay out of this fight at any cost... but one look at Cody's unusually serious face and he swallowed the words.

"I know Cody. Thanks".

Teaspoon felt some of his irritation towards Cody dissipate. The boy was growing up, lord knows he had seen enough lately to age him, but he was showing some character, the makings of being a real fine man. Then he looked to Jimmy and Kid and inwardly groaned. These two were going to be the hardest.

"Jimmy? You're next son"

Jimmy was almost afraid to open his mouth, which was ridiculous, he had starred down the barrel of a gun more times than he'd care to recall with little to no fear. This was different though, he cared about the people in this room more than most anybody else, and he knew what he was going to say would hurt them.

"Rosemary and me are going to ride to Kansas either tomorrow or the day after... and don't "oh Jimmy" me. She's been real patient, waiting for me to finish up here with the express so we could go back together. We're going to meet up with her group and my sister and her husband and then..."

"She's using you Jimmy, ya gotta see that" Kid spoke for the first time in a while.

"Well you aint got no right to be interrupting me right now" Jimmy shot him a look that bore no arguing.

"I'm going to ride with her people for a bit. Yes, I had my doubts about Isaiah's methods, but Nathan, my brother in law and Rosemary are in charge now. I'm same as you Cody, there's no going back on this, not after Noah. I've got to do something and I feel this is the right thing for me to do."

"You could get hurt Jimmy, it's dangerous, maybe even more dangerous than if'n you just joined the union." Lou couldn't help herself. She looked at him with pleading eyes.

"That doesn't change nothing... my mind is made up" He was surprised by the harshness in his own voice and sighed, with a little more control he said.

"I am in on the ranch though, so keep a spot for me. I don't know how long I'll be doing what I'm doing, but you know, as soon as I'm able, I will come home and help".

It was apparent Jimmy was done talking. One by one all eyes turned to Kid. He started to blush under the intensity of their gaze.

"Kid?" Teaspoon said softly.

"You all know what I'm going to say, it's not some big secret." oh how he had been dreading this. His stomach was in knots, he hands felt sweaty and his face was hot.

"I'm leaving tomorrow for Missouri, I'm going to sign up for the confederate army there". His voice quivered a bit. He had expected there to be shouts and people clamoring over each other to put their hands on his throat. Instead he was met with silence. So he continued.

"Just the same as Jimmy and Cody feel, about it's the right thing to do? That's how I feel about going back to Virginia. It's not about slavery, it's about the land... and I made a promise long ago to protect it. You've heard me say this all before so I'm not going to go into it. You may not like my decision you may even hate it, but respect my right to make my own decisions about my own life".

"What about me and Jimmy, Kid? What if you are on some battlefield and you see us on the other side huh? What are you going to do then?" Cody finally broke the silence.

"Cody, you know I could never shoot you"

"Well, whys you got to go shoot anyone at all? It may not be me or Jimmy in the blue in your sights, but it will be someone, someone's kin!"

"Because Cody, they'll be shooting at me"

Teaspoon stopped them before they started an argument that would have no end.

"Kid we ain't telling you you can't make up your own mind. I will never agree with this decision, but you're right I do gotta respect your right to make your choice ... Son, my real question is, what about Lou?"

Kid and Lou's eyes met. They hadn't had a real conversation in weeks, he hadn't held her in nearly as long. He felt a pain so intense he wasn't sure he'd be able to go through with any of this... but that would make him a coward, something even worse than the pain.

"Yes, I know. As much as I care about you all, I can't have this conversation with all of you too. Lou can we talk outside, alone?"

Lou considered refusing, putting up a big stink and saying anything he had to say to her, could be said in front of anyone. He had already told everyone else that he was leaving officially before telling her... but she saw how absolutely dejected he looked, like he was going to be sick.

"Alright" she said, mustering up all her dignity. "Let me grab my coat". She quickly shrugged it over her shoulders, Kid grabbed her hand and with that they were gone.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: That was pretty civil, huh? Things are going to get a little more interesting though, on the other side of that bunkhouse door. I wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful feedback! It's been so encouraging. ****There's a lot more story to tell :)**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5

Kid lead Lou over to the corral. It was almost completely dark, the temperature had dropped and the wind had picked up. Lou huddled into her coat. She stared at Kid and Kid looked back at her. The air between them crackled with tension and unspoken words. Lou's stomach lurched in anticipation, she broke the silence.

"So you meant what you said in there? You're really going to leave in the morning?"

Kid swallowed hard.

"I've got to. Every day I wait feels more painful than the last. The Pony Express is done, my obligation there is finished."

"What the hell Kid?" She balled her hands into fists. "I can't believe you're really going to go through with this. Is it really so horrible to be here? To live with a wife who loves you, to have a family who cares what happens to you? To be out of the line of fire and stay alive? Just because some old man made you promise things you should have been too young to promise..."

"He's dead, Lou! I got a letter from my Aunt Elizabeth a couple days ago. He remembered that promise on his death bed! Can't you see I've got to go? Now more than ever... and you know what else? You should want to come with me. Go where I go, make your home where I make a home. As far as you being my _wife, _well, that was part of the promise you made to me... to love and obey, to allow me to be your husband and make decisions for us as a family. You have fought being my wife most every day since Noah's funeral."

Kid let all his frustration out in almost one breath. Lou gasped, her eyes grew wide... it felt like he had physically slapped her.

"Is that what you expect me to do, blindly obey? Just smile and nod, forget that I have a brother and sister in an orphanage that need me? Go to Virginia, watch slaves pick tobacco as white men just stand there waiting to whip them, while I sit on some porch drinking tea? Do you want me to forget everything I believe in, leave everything I love so that you can go fight and defend a way of life that I hate?"

She was crying now. She impatiently wiped the tears away with the back of her hand.

"I can't do it Kid. You can't ask it of me. I know you've expected me to be more like other wives you've seen, and I've tried. I've picked up needle and thread and tried to sew until my fingers bled. I've spent hours with Rachel trying to figure out how to cook. I've put my pants and gun belt away and worn dresses for you... to be your wife, but you can't ask me to change who I am inside. You shouldn't want to if you loved me! Hell, I should be enough to make you want to stay right here, in Rock Creek, but I'm not."

"I made my promise to my grandfather long before I met you... and that land made me. It's apart of who I am. You think I like that there are slaves there? I don't... you know I don't! I think over time laws will be made and slavery will end, but I can't just sit here so far away while our government tries to break the back of the South, takes away all it's rights. This is bigger than me and bigger than you. My grandfather knew that when he asked me... it's worth dying for. It's even worth loosing you."

Lou's eyes narrowed, she felt bile in the back of her throat.

"What exactly are you saying Kid?"

Instead of answering, Kid asked her another question. Her answer would seal their fate.

"Would you move to Virginia, for me, after this war is done?"

She looked up into Kid's eyes. They were flashing with anger and pain. There was none of the kindness or softness that had drawn her to him from the first day they met.

"No... This is my home. This is going to be Theresa and Jeremiah's home. I'm going to build a good life for us here. I'm not going to rip them away from all that for Virginia."

"I'm not going to come back Lou."

"What? Don't say that! Of course you will, you could even get through this war without a scratch on you!"

"I'm not planning on dying."

"I don't understand." Lou started to feel panic rise from deep inside her.

"I'm going to stay in Virginia after the war, the land will need me more than ever, to help rebuild."

"Oh my god" Lou started to sway. She wasn't expecting this. She assumed he would come back at least, come back for her.

"We're on two sides of a rushing river and there's no bridge to meet in between... I don't think there ever will be a bridge."

Lou finally found her voice.

"So that's it then? You're just going to give up... you're really just going to leave and never come back."

Kid could feel his heart wrenching in his chest. Lou. His girl from the first day he knew she was a girl. Her kindness and friendship. Her love... why couldn't she have just said yes? The future he had imagined for them, her caring for him all his days and him protecting her, being her man... it all shattered before his very eyes.

"I went to see that lawyer in town today, Mr. Larson. I had him draw up some papers, just in case you said no... that you'd never move to Virginia."

"What? What kind of papers."

Kid suddenly felt so old, he sighed and continued.

"They're papers to end our marriage. He said what we have is "irreconcilable differences". That would be our reason for divorce... I want you to come with me to see him in the morning, before I ride out. I'm setting you free Lou."

"What if I don't want to be free? We could find a bridge Kid, over that river... if we tried hard enough I know we could."

"You don't love me enough to ever leave here. I can't love you enough to ever come back. There is no bridge that can ever cross that."

Lou stood there thinking furiously, there had to be another way, there just had to be. She tried to make the words come out... that someday she would go to Virginia, but she just couldn't. She had already made her choice. Her feet were set on a path, and that path led her away from Kid.  
>There were several moments of silence before she was finally able to answer him.<p>

"I'll go with you in the morning to see Larson."

Kid let out his breath. Why did she have to look so beautiful in the moonlight?

"Lou..." He reached his hand out to her face, brushing a stray hair out of her eyes. She flinched and took at step back, as if his touch had burned her. She straightened up and said coldly.

"I'm going to stay at Rachel's tonight, you can come get me in the morning. I need you to do one thing for me though..."

"What is it?"

"Go into the bunk house and tell the others what we're going to do, I just don't want to tell them."

Kid paled. He knew this would not go over well with the others.

"Yeah, I'll take care of it"

Lou nodded then turned towards Rachel's. She ran up the stairs, to the extra bedroom. Once the door was closed, the reality of what was going to happen in the morning hit her like a punch in the gut. Her whole body started to shake uncontrollably. She sat on the bed, gripping the edge for dear life. What had just happened, how had this all gone so wrong? Tears clouded her vision and she finally allowed herself to fall apart. She sobbed, pouring all her frustration and hurt into her pillow until she fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

><p>"Louise, Louise honey, wake up sugar. It's morning and Teaspoon and Kid are waiting for you downstairs."<p>

"Mmph" Lou slowly opened her eyes. They felt swollen. Rachel was looking at her with her most sympathetic look.

"So you know?"

"Yes, Kid came in and told us all last night" Rachel frowned. She sat down next to Lou on the bed and grabbed her hand.

"How'd that go?"

"Oh bout like you'd expect. Kid said his peace and Teaspoon and Cody had to hold Jimmy and Buck from tearing Kid limb from limb."

"Did they get any punches in?"

"Well you know how fast Jimmy is, he got in a nice right hook before Teaspoon stepped between them"

Lou grunted. "Good", she stretched her weary body.

"Well, I guess I better get this over with, go git... unmarried. Jeez, I must look a fright."

Rachel suppressed a smile, Lou's shoulder length brown hair was on end and her clothes were a wrinkled mess.

"Let's get you cleaned up first, I think I have one of your dresses over here that needed mending, I'll bring that up. Would you like anything to eat?"

"Just coffee. I don't think I could keep anything else down."

In fifteen minutes she was on the porch looking pale, but beautiful in a dress that happened to be Kid's favorite. Lou recognized Kid's look of appreciation. It made her angry, she walked right up to him, noted his black eye with a small smile and said under her breath "I'm going to change into pants as soon as I get home" Then she said louder for both Teaspoon and Kid to hear,

"Alright, let's go see Mr. Larson."

Teaspoon couldn't help but be proud of his girl. Here was the fighter he knew and loved. Her eyes were flashing, her shoulders were back and her head was held high. He and Kid had to quicken their pace to keep up with her. Kid looked like hell but carried an equal air of determination. He had told them all last night he loved Lou enough to set her free before he rode out of town, especially when he thought he'd never be back . His pretty words hadn't been enough to keep Jimmy and Buck from trying to beat the tar out of him though. Teaspoon sighed. Kid was so anxious to leave them all and walk right into the flames of war and there wasn't a thing he could do to stop him.

Lou swung the door open to Larson's office.

"Good morning Teaspoon, Louise, Kid. Makings of a fine day wouldn't you say?"

"Where are the papers Larson?" Lou wanted to get this over with.

"Of course. I think you'll find everything in order, here's where I'd need both your signatures and Teaspoon, here is where you'll sign as witness."

She wrote her name down clearly as did Teaspoon, Kid wrote his name too and Lou's eyes shot up to Kid's in surprise. His full name. There on the paper was his full name. He had never told her in all the time they knew each other, no matter how many times she asked and there it was in black and white. She said nothing. Larson shook Kid's hand and with that they were done. It had taken less than five minutes.

Lou stopped Kid on the boardwalk outside Larson's office.

"Chester Lloyd? That's your real name? I can't believe I'm finally finding out now, like this" Lou said through gritted teeth.

Kid grimaced. "It's actually Chester Lloyd the second. I was named after my father. I think that I carried his name kept him from beating me same as he beat my mother and Jed... but they always just called me Kid and my father wasn't man enough for me to ever want to be called Chester".  
>Lou almost let her heart soften towards Kid.<p>

"Oh"

Kid took the opportunity and grabbed her hand.

"Lou, here's my wedding ring. Take it and sell it so you'll have more money for Jeremiah and Theresa."

Lou was back to feeling sick again. She allowed him to put it in her hand.

"I have Katy all saddled up and ready to go. I'm going to leave now Lou."

"Kid... I may never see you again." her voice was filled with disbelief. This all felt like a bad dream.

"Lou, I don't even know what do say..." He wanted to hold her one more time, but he knew it would be asking to much, instead he just held her hand.

Teaspoon stood off to the side, allowing the young folk their space. They were only nineteen. He shook his head. At that moment they looked both older and younger to him. They said a few more words he didn't hear or care to as they were private. Lou then let out a choked sob, her hand flew over her mouth. She glanced at both Kid and Teaspoon and walked away as quickly as she could in the direction of the bunk house. Teaspoon started walking with Kid to where Katy was waiting.

"Now son, don't you fret over Lou none. We'll take care of her right good, she's going to be ok."

"I know it Teaspoon, she's the strongest person I've ever met." then he continued,

"I had to do it, you see that right? I had to set her free, I couldn't leave feeling beholden to her to come back."

"Son, I don't agree with nothing you're doing right now, especially with Lou... but we don't know the end of this story yet, or what the future holds."

Kid reached for his saddle and stopped, his shoulders slumped.

"You will say goodbye to everyone for me, right Teaspoon? Don't think the rest of the fellas are in the mood for goodbyes right now."

"I'll pass it along. Kid, I want to let you know, I'm keeping your name as a partner on the ranch. You will always have a home here to come back to. That is a promise I am making to you... you understand that Kid? We love you, we always will."

"I know" he paused for a minute "Teaspoon, when I sign up, I'm going to sign up as Kid Harris. I thought I should let you know if you're... ever looking for news of me." Like the casualty lists, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Alright this is it then. Thank you Teaspoon, for everything." Kid gave the older man who had been the closest thing he had ever had to a real father a quick hug. He mounted his horse with one fluid motion and set off down the street.

"Ride safe, son".

Teaspoon watched his retreating form for a long while, then he looked up to the heavens and said as if in prayer.

"Merciful God."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So I have quite a bit of this story finished and let me tell you, this chapter is far and away the hardest thing I've written. I wrote and re-wrote that break up scene. I didn't want to drag it out, but I didn't want to gloss over how painful it would be either. I'm sorry Kid/Lou fans. This needed to happen for this story to go the way I want it to go and their break up needs to be at least plausible for the rest of my story to work. So, believable? I hope so. Let me know what you think (well, bearing in mind I'm already committed to it). Also, why Chester? I decided on Chester because I always thought it was hilarious that the lead singer for Linkin Park is Chester Bennington. That is a name for an English duke, not a rock star. Kid's this tough western hero, so I thought it was a fair comparison. Lloyd is just a common family name of the Chesapeake Bay area for that time. **


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 6

Buck sat across from Jimmy at the table in the bunk house. The only sounds were the occasional scrapes of their spoons hitting their bowls as they ate their oatmeal. Early morning sun filtered in from the small windows, lighting up dust particles as they floated in the air. Buck found it to be a much more peaceful scene than last night, when he lost his ever lovin mind and tried to kill Kid with his bare hands. He couldn't figure exactly why Kid's news had set him off like it had other than the simple truth that Kid had thrown away his entire future with Lou and had broken her heart. Kid was the stupidest of men.

Jimmy looked over at Buck, his face was like a storm cloud.

"What's eating you?"

"I'm fine."

"Mm hmm, sure you are."

"Let it go Jimmy."

"At least I got a chance to clock him before Teaspoon got in the way, so that's something"

"You were closer to begin with"

Lou walked in the bunk house at that moment. She had paced around in the yard for a few minutes gathering her wits as she knew there was a good chance at least Buck and Jimmy would be inside. Cody would have already left to join his unit. She didn't want them to know how upset she was, but one look at their faces and she knew she had failed.

"Oh I'm alright" she answered the unspoken question.

"Did it go... ok?" Jimmy ventured to ask.

"Quick as lightning. Signed a paper, shook a hand and just like that! unmarried." she laughed but it sounded bitter, even to her.

"And Kid?" Buck continued

"Rode on out of here... on his way to go join."

"So the fool's really going through with it, s'pose I knew he would, I just hoped, maybe last minute..." Jimmy trailed off. Lou just shook her head. She opened up her old trunk and pulled out a pair of her pants, shirt and gun belt.

The boys both looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"I'm going to go and get Jeremiah and Theresa today. Feels like I've been waiting forever and I can't wait another minute. I don't want to think anymore about how angry I am or all the grieving I've been doing and I guess will continue to do. I just want to get to them and see their faces and know I'm bringing them home" She sat down with a sigh next to Jimmy.

"Rosemary and me are planning on riding out today for Kansas City, we could ride with you almost the whole way to St Joe's, until the road turns off."

Lou groaned and then chuckled at Jimmy's offended expression.

"I will on one condition, Buck will you come too, please? That would even out the odds."

Buck looked to be considering for a moment, then he gave one of his usual half smiles.

"Don't see what else I've got to do today. Would be nice to keep company with you two...and Rosemary... I guess."

"Oh come on, she's real nice once you get to know her and I'll not have either of you giving her a hard time, alright?"

Lou and Buck looked at each other and smiled,

"Yes, Jimmy"

* * *

><p>If it had been just Jimmy, Buck and Lou setting off, they could've left within the half hour, but Rosemary didn't have near the level of comfort with horses as the other three and had rented a buckboard. Lou swallowed her impatience. This would nearly double the time of the trip. Instead of arriving in St Joe's that evening, they would have to camp out on the road and reach the orphanage by early afternoon the next day, but she had already said yes to Jimmy so that was that.<p>

The addition of Rosemary turned out to have it's benefits. Rachel packed a whole sack full of real food, not the usual hard biscuits and jerky they packed for their Express rides. She threw in a few blankets on the buckboard too. It would spoil them, but Lou realized on the return trip they'd need to camp out as well, and the food and blankets would be much appreciated, she didn't think either of her siblings had ever slept outside under the stars before and the nights were getting cold.

With a wave to Teaspoon and Rachel they were off. It was an uneventful trip, Jimmy rode in the buckboard with Rosemary, leaving Buck and Lou to ride ahead slightly on their horses. Lou was quiet for most of the day, lost in her thoughts and Buck knew her well enough to give her some space. What happened that morning was so surreal, she still couldn't wrap her head around it. She tried to stay angry. Anger she could deal with, but behind it was deep sadness, feelings of betrayal and worst of all, fear. No, she wasn't going to allow all that to creep in right now. She needed to focus on the task at hand, her siblings and the people she was riding with.

They stopped for the night after sunset. They made camp quickly, started a fire and unpacked their dinner. Unfortunately for Buck and Lou, Rosemary was in the mood to talk.

"Maybe you'll be able to make Nathan see reason when we return, I told him to expedite the procurement of supplies he needed to communicate with our liaison in St Louis, but he's perseverating over every detail, it's most vexing... James?"

Lou and Buck exchanged a look, this was amusing as hell. Jimmy wasn't understanding half of what she said, nor did it look like he cared. Jimmy was smart, but big words from books he had yet to read were useless to him.

"Hmmm? Yes, I'll talk to Nathan... about the process."

"You're not listening to me, are you."

"I am so."

"What did I just say then?"

Jimmy sighed, he did not want to have this type of conversation with her right now, especially not in front of his friends, like they needed any more reason to dislike Rosemary.

"You said Nathan ain't seeing things your way and you think I can get him to agree with you."

"Well, I wouldn't put it like that."

"No you use a lot more words, look Rosemary I get it. There are things in the organization that you don't like and want to fix. You think me being there is going to help things swing your way, but I'm telling you I'm going to figure things out for myself and make up my own mind bout the way things are running, alright?"

Rosemary turned to sugar right before their eyes.

"Of course my darling, this was why I was so anxious for you to come with me, you are a natural born leader and you see the truth and importance of what we are doing. I know you will help us make the best decisions."

She moved closer to him and leaned into his side.

"It's frightfully chilly James."

Obediently Jimmy wrapped his arms around her and Buck and Lou were no longer able to hear their hushed conversation from the other side of the campfire.

"She's a real piece of work" Lou scooted over to Buck, whispering into his ear.

"Yeah, like he's wrapped around her little finger."

"I know! Who would've thought."

"The lion's turned into a lamb."

"A real docile lamb."

"A docile little lamb with a pink bow!"

Lou started to giggle at Buck's mental picture and then looked at Buck in a panic. She needed to stop laughing. Jimmy was going to kill them, but then Buck started laughing too and all hope was lost.

"If you two are making fun, I will pound you into the ground, so help me, don't think I won't. Yeah that goes for you too Lou, you know you fight dirty."

"I do not, Jimmy Hickok!"

"Like Teaspoon says, "puny, but spry" always ready with a mean kick to the shin."

"I have _never_ kicked a shin that didn't deserve it."

Jimmy couldn't help himself, their laughter was contagious. Pretty soon all three of them were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. Rosemary looked at them like they had lost their minds. Finally she had had enough.

"I don't know what's gotten into you three, but I'm going to bed."

Jimmy was immediately contrite and motioned for his friends to quiet down. Lou managed to get her giggles under control and sighed with contentment and looked at her two friends beside her, how did she get so lucky to have two such wonderful men in her life? She appreciated them more than she'd probably ever be able to verbalize. With that thought, bone tired exhaustion hit her like a wave. This day had been very long and had started out so painfully with Kid... she stopped her thoughts abruptly. No, she was going to go to sleep on a happy note.

"Guess I'll turn in too" Impulsively, she walked over to first Buck, then Jimmy and kissed them both on the tops of their heads.

"Thank you for coming with me, I needed this... 'night"

Lou grabbed her bedroll and a blanket. She set them down close to the fire, snuggled under the blanket until just the top of her head was showing and was asleep within minutes.

* * *

><p>Buck and Jimmy stayed up for a bit, picking up camp and making sure the horses were set for the night, then they sat down in companionable silence. Both Lou and Rosemary were sound asleep. Jimmy watched the fire as the flames died down, he threw a few more pieces of wood to feed the warmth and leaned in. He turned to Buck and was going to mention something trivial, maybe about the weather when he saw the look on Buck's face. It was an unguarded expression, full of longing and sadness and he was staring straight at Lou. Jimmy had wondered for a while how Buck felt towards her. There were little clues but Buck was so private. Oh hell with it, Jimmy thought and took a deep breath.<p>

"How long have you been in love with her, Buck?"

Buck startled, he had forgotten Jimmy was even there. He thought about not answering, but the idea of unburdening himself even for a little bit won out.

"For a long, long while... almost from the first moment I met her."

"When we all thought she was a boy?" Jimmy was incredulous.

Buck smiled, "No, I figured out maybe the second day of living with her that she was a girl."

"How? It took me weeks."

"It was her hands."

Buck saw the confusion on Jimmy's face. "They were too small and delicate looking to be a man's hands, even a young teenage boy's... and then there was her walk when she let her guard down and was comfortable, when she thought no one else was paying attention. It was a woman's walk... and her eyes, they're beautiful with those long dark lashes. Sometimes she'd forget to talk like a guy and her voice would come out all soft... she'd smile and it would light up her whole face... still does." Buck let out his breath with a whoosh.

"After a few days all I could see was the woman hidden inside her and I wondered how come no one else could see it... "

Jimmy was speechless. He knew Buck was observant, he wouldn't be such a skilled tracker if he wasn't, but he had never let on, not even once.

"Course bout the time I mustered up the courage to talk to her about it, it became clear that Kid had found out too and that he and Lou were gettin feelings for each other, he made it pretty obvious, I was kinda worried he'd give her away, actually."

"Yeah even I picked up on that, he'd smile like an idiot when he was around her. How'd you do it Buck? Care about her so much and watch Kid get her?"

"I let her go. Let my feelings go, Kid's like my brother. I was going a good job of seeing her just as my friend until recently... and what are you talking about? You were in love with her too Jimmy, how many times did you and Kid get into fights over her?"

Jimmy shrugged "Well that's a little complicated. Yeah I love her, sometimes like you do, sometimes not... but I came to see I'm not the kind of man for her as much as I am a good friend for her, and now there's Rosemary."

Buck just looked at Jimmy and let out a small laugh. Jimmy smiled.

"You'd be a good man for her, Buck... and she isn't with Kid no more."

"Yeah and she's been unmarried for what, fourteen hours now? She's not going to be free in her heart for a long time, if ever."

"Hell. and you and her are going to be the main ones doing the ranching too... how are you going to do this?"

"Same as I always have Jimmy, I'm just going to be her friend, there's nothing else I can do... I don't know if I'm meant to have a woman anyways."

"That's bullshit."

"Really? Do you remember Kathleen?"

"Yeah, the rich bitch banker's daughter?"

"Mmm, yeah. She took _a lot_ from me" Buck paused and looked at Jimmy to make sure he caught his meaning.

"Really? I mean, yeah I wondered, but you heard me and Cody's bull sessions enough, you never said anything."

"Well, it didn't exactly end well, she used me to get back at her father cause she knew he'd be livid that I was Indian. She nearly got me killed... and I went into it blindly, I was so enchanted by her I thought she would actually want to be with me, forever. If I hadn't thought that, I wouldn't have uh, been with her."

"I have never thought I'd have to have forever with a woman before I... enjoyed her company"

"Yeah I know. In Kiowa culture, being with a woman can be seen like two spirits uniting. Sometimes that's all it takes to marry a woman and I felt like that for Kathleen, for a while."

"She really was a bitch."

"Well, any white woman could have trouble for being with me, any Indian woman too, for that matter. It's just part of me being in both worlds and yet neither."

Jimmy knew Buck struggled with his heritage, but it had never sounded as painful as it did just then.

"Well you know Lou don't give a damn what anyone thinks and she can handle any trouble that comes her way... so, you never know."

"Yeah I do... it's alright Jimmy, I'll be fine."

"Well you're taking on a lot when you get back to Rock Creek with the ranch. I know Lou is going to work her tail off, her brother too and Teaspoon and Rachel when they can, hell even Amanda... but you know it's gonna mostly be you."

"Yeah I know. It don't bother me. My life's had it's share of burdens, this one I'm happy to carry. Teaspoon has given me a lot. Closest thing to a father, and a place to belong." Buck shrugged.

"I like to be useful."

"Teaspoon said that the first day, when you identified all those arrows, that you were useful."

"That's what family is, helping each other. Sides, Cody will come around and help, and you, when you're done with Rosemary."

Jimmy raised his eyebrows. "_When _I'm done with Rosemary?"

It was Buck's turn to be surprised, "You honestly think this will last?"

Jimmy decided not to be defensive.

"I don't know" He answered honestly. "She's a good woman, she's smart, she believes in the same things I believe in, she's a very passionate person" and Jimmy couldn't help but add, since they had already opened that door "and she keeps a warm bed, very warm."

"I knew it! I knew you were making decisions with your..."

"No!... well, yeah a little bit."

They looked at each other and chuckled.

"Just keep your eyes open Jimmy. There's something _lean_ about her, I mean in her spirit, she's ambitious but not in a good way and I think it clouds her judgment."

"I'll be careful."

"Just watch your back and come home to us, that's all I ask."

"I will... you know you are a good man, maybe one of the best I know, definitely one of the wisest."

"Aww, I love you too Jimmy."

Jimmy shoved him in the shoulder.

"Shut up, Buck"

Soon their eyelids started to grow heavy and the two friends mumbled their goodnights. The peacefulness of the night, the warmth of the dying fire, and the sound of the winds over the prairie enveloped them and they fell into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I don't have much to add except, I love Jimmy and Buck's friendship. That, and Lou's a lucky girl.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 7

Morning came too soon. Lou struggled to open her eyes as she sat up. The position of the sun told her that dawn had come several hours ago. The boys had let her sleep in, and from the sounds and smell of it, they were already making breakfast and coffee.

"Morning sleepy head" Jimmy walked by her and rumpled her hair. She just grunted in response. Mornings had never been her strong suit. It felt cold. She wrapped her blanket around her shoulders and made her way over to the restarted fire. She sat down beside Rosemary who gave her a thin smile of acknowledgement.

"Coffee?" Buck held up a small mug to her.

"Mmm, please" She scooted a bit closer to reach the mug in his outstretched hands.

"We've got some bread too... Rachel even packed some jam." Buck passed her a slice with the jam already on it.

"Remind me to thank her when we get home, this is great."

Pretty soon they were all packed up and back on the road. Jimmy and Buck were being unusually quiet, something was different. It was subtle and Lou couldn't put her finger on it. She saw them glance at her a few times and then glance at each other, like they were having a moment of mutual understanding. It left her feeling a bit disgruntled, they better not be feeling sorry for her, or she'd give them something to feel sorry about.

She wanted to hurry, she was so close to St Joe's. She'd find herself riding ahead, and then having to stop to wait for Jimmy and Rosemary in the buckboard. She caught Jimmy staring at her again. She rode over to his side.

"What is it Jimmy? You've been looking all sad at me all mornin."

"Was I?" Jimmy looked over at Rosemary, he wasn't sure if going into it would be a good idea, with Rosemary sitting right there, but he decided to go ahead anyway.

"The turn off is a couple miles ahead, I'm going to have to say goodbye to you. This will be the first time in bout two years that I won't be around you most every day. Oh sure, at first it will be a nice break, you being so irritatin and all" He laughed as she frowned and made a face at him.

"But I've gotten used to your way... and Buck too" He noticed Buck had pulled his horse up close.

"I'm going to miss you two, something fierce."

Lou felt like a fool. In her excitement to get to her siblings, she had pushed all thoughts of saying goodbye to Jimmy to the back of her mind. She noticed Rosemary reach over and give Jimmy's knee a little squeeze, followed by what looked like a genuine smile. Maybe she wasn't completely evil after all.

"Well, I hope uh, the two of you will be able to visit real soon."

"I'm sure we'll be able to manage that, sometime" Rosemary answered for Jimmy. Lou's heart suddenly felt very heavy.

"Why do things have to change Jimmy? Why couldn't we have just stopped time... before Ike and Noah died, when we was all together and just stayed right there. I wish I had known then just how quickly everything would change." Lou said quietly, shaking her head.

"Yeah I'd like to live there too" Buck muttered. There had been too many goodbyes, too much grief and he knew they hadn't seen the end of it.

Too quickly they reached the turn off. Buck and Lou got off their horses and Jimmy climbed off the buck board. Rosemary watched them from her perch.

"Ok, I guess this is it." Jimmy couldn't look either of them in the eye, he scuffed the dirt with his boot.

"Remember what I said brother... and come back to us in one piece, alright?" Buck grabbed Jimmy's hand and pulled him into a quick hug.

"Don't I always? and you remember what I said too" He saw Lou's puzzled face and quickly moved on.

"Take care of each other, and Teaspoon and Rachel too... He's getting crazier by the day and she's gonna need the help." They all smiled, this was very true.

"Jimmy, I wish you didn't have to leave us… I'll miss you."

Lou hugged him tight. She met Rosemary's gaze and pulled away from Jimmy.

"Rosemary we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I know you care about him. I wish you two the best."

"Er, thank you Louise... I'm sorry your husband went to the South."

Lou just shook her head. Well, that didn't last long.

Lou and Buck remounted and Jimmy got back on the buckboard. They nodded, waved and Jimmy turned the buckboard away from them. He didn't look back.

"She better treat him well, Buck" Lou sighed, "or I really will have to shoot her."

* * *

><p>The sight of St Joseph, Missouri rose to meet them on the horizon. Lou was about ready to bounce right out of their saddle.<p>

"I haven't seen them in nearly six months, oh Buck I hope they haven't changed too much. Jeremiah's been sproutin like a weed, do you think they'll be excited to leave? I wish I had brought something for Sister Mary Margaret, she is the kindest woman... and presents! Presents for the all the children, why didn't I think of that before we left!"

Buck couldn't help but grin, she looked like a little girl on Christmas morning.

"You've been waiting for this day for a long time, huh Lou?"

"For years and years... so long I didn't think it would ever come"

"Well I think I can offer something for the children, well a few of them anyway" Buck leaned back and pulled out a paper sack from his saddle bag.

"Cody got these for you two days ago, but forgot all about them once Amanda's telegram came. Hard candy and licorice... he left them for me to give to you yesterday morning." Buck tossed the sack over to Lou.

"Cody! That boy never stops being surprising." Lou smiled broadly. "This will be perfect, thank you for thinking to bring them."

They decided to take their horses to the livery first, to get them looked after. Ben, the man who ran the place knew them from their Express days. Lou and Buck led their horses into the barn, what they saw in there made them stop dead in their tracks.

"Katy?" Lou gasped.

"Why in the world would Kid leave his horse here?" Buck was just as floored as Lou.

Ben came up behind them. "Hay there Buck, Lou... Kid told me to expect you Lou."

"Why is his horse here?" Lou was starting to get teary eyed as she stroked Katy's mane. Kid loved his horse more than most things.

"It was the craziest thing, he rode into town yesterday late afternoon... then he paced out front the door for a half hour, talking to himself, more like arguing, bout taking that horse down South with him... I didn't realize he was a Southern sympathizer Lou, surprised the pants off me considering how you all were riding with that colored boy... anyways, finally he came in here and he was actually cryin, wiping tears away. Said he couldn't take that horse with him to war and to give her to you to look after. He said you'd be coming soon. Then he ran off to catch the last train outta here with minutes to spare. Never seen someone so broken up about their horse before."

Lou started to cry, she couldn't help herself. The idea of Kid leaving, never to return was too overwhelming to take in all at once and had left her feeling numb, but now she was looking at proof that he really was gone, and that he was leaving everything behind. Without a word, Lou turned into Buck and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her until her breathing steadied. Ben just shook his head and walked away, this war was doing funny things to people.

"Lou?" Buck pulled away, trying to look into her eyes.

"I'm sorry... "

"Don't be."

"How could he leave Katy, Buck. He loves that horse so much."

"I honestly don't know. All of his decisions lately have made no sense to me."

"Would you have left Buck? If you was Kid?"

"Oh don't ask me that Lou, it's not fair to him, we're all different. I may think it's fool headed and wrong, but he honestly feels like he's doing the right thing."

She looked at Buck for a long moment.

"You wouldn't have left."

Buck looked back into those big brown eyes of hers.

"No... I wouldn't have, and I'm not leaving anytime soon, neither."

Lou just smiled and gave his hand a squeeze.

"You may just be the bestest friend a girl could ever have."

Buck closed his eyes for a brief moment and let out his breath, he had told Jimmy he would be her friend, like always.

"Thanks"

* * *

><p>After all three horses had been watered and fed, they remounted, tying Katy's lead to Buck's saddle. The orphanage was just outside of town and they'd reach it in a few minutes. Lou was nearly beside herself.<p>

"Lou... this is going to turn out just fine, they are going to be so happy to see you and come home with you, wait and see."

Lou could only nod. The orphanage was in view now, she could see children playing in the yard. She could make out a girl with long, shiny blonde hair and a lanky boy with brown curls. She urged her horse to a trot, the children's heads popped up at the sound of the horses and Theresa and Jeremiah broke into a run, Theresa called out,

"Louise! Is that you?"

Lou jumped off her horse and ran towards them.

"Sugarbear! 'Miah!"

She grabbed them both into a big hug.

"I've finally come to take you home"

All three of them started talking at once. Buck hadn't seen such a happy moment in a long time. Theresa looked to be about ten, she was as cute as a button and she wouldn't let go of Lou's hand. Jeremiah was at an age where he was trying to be standoffish, like he thought a man would be, but he kept smiling so big, there was only an excited boy. Buck stood back and let them have their moment. Finally Theresa looked up and took notice of him.

"Louise!" She loudly whispered, "Should I be afraid of the Indian man?"

Lou stopped and looked at her sister, then to Buck in horror. A pained look had flashed across his face but was quickly replaced with his heavily practiced expression of indifference. His hand had instinctively flown up to his medicine pouch around his neck. He remained silent.

"Never Sugarbear. Never, ever. He's one of best men I know, my dear friend. He's gonna be like a big brother to you, if you let him... and you know what else, you probably hurt his feelings a bit by saying you could be scared by him just cause he looks a little different than you or me."

Theresa looked at Lou in curiosity.

"His name is Buck, why don't you say hello?"

She stepped up to him and smiled shyly.

"Hello Buck, I'm Theresa. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

Then she shocked Buck completely and gave him a hug, wrapping her small arms around his waist. He stood there for a second before he put his arms around the girl and returned her hug. Then he bent down and met her innocent gaze, she had won him over forever with one display of acceptance.

"I'm glad to meet you Theresa, I think we're going to be good friends."

Jeremiah cleared his throat, he looked to Buck and gave him a cocky smile.

"I'm Jeremiah, and I ain't scared of you at all, I know I could take you."

Buck looked at him and laughed in relief, this kid was going to be fine. They shook hands and Buck gave him a cocky smile of his own.

"I'd like to see you try."

Two hours later after gathering her siblings things, visiting with Sister Mary Margaret and passing out candy to some of the other children, they were on their way home. Jeremiah rode on Kid's horse and Theresa was riding in front of Lou. Neither her brother or sister had asked about Kid and that surprised Lou, but she was thankful that she could save that conversation for later. The four of them talked, laughed and even sang songs as they rode. Lou squeezed her sister to her and fought back tears. For the first time in a long while she was genuinely happy.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: One of the things that bothered me in the series was the dropped Theresa and Jeremiah storyline. To me their existence and Lou's promise to them made Lou's move to Virginia impossible. A happy reunion in the midst of sad goodbyes.**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 8

Amanda was so tired of being in the stage she could about spit. Her traveling companions had stopped being amusing to her hours ago. There was an older couple who complained back and forth about their various ailments. She now knew more about rheumatism than she ever cared to. She shifted in her seat, trying to keep her back end from going numb and adjusted the collar on her traveling dress. It was a dull brown and wool. She tried not to think how it was scratching her neck and that only made her feel more itchy. She gripped her hands in her lap and willed them to stay there. The only other person in the stage was a middle aged business man who kept trying to sneak cigars out the window. He had been overly nice for the first several hours to her until she pretended to sleep. If this was a normal trip her traveling companions would have been tolerated, hell she probably would have worked to find a way to enjoy their company.

This was no ordinary trip though. Her whole life was in a trunk strapped to the back of this stage. She had all the money from the sale of her saloon tucked away in a tin wrapped in some underthings. It would be more than enough to buy Polly's old place and give Teaspoon his share of their partnership. She didn't even know what exactly he had planned for the money, but she had a feeling whatever the scheme was, she'd be involved as well. She was excited, moving to Rock Creek felt like an adventure, like a treasure hunt almost and she had no idea what she'd actually find.

A half hour later the coach finally came to a halt right in the middle of town, a stone's throw from the Marshall's office. Before she could even put a hand on the latch to open the door, it flew open.

"Amanda girl, are you in there?"

"Teaspoon!" Amanda laughed and jumped out of the stage, wobbling on her feet. She had been sitting for too long. Teaspoon grabbed her in a tight squeeze that lifted her off the floor.

"Where you been girl? I've been watching the stage for days! Bout wore this stretch of road out lookin for ya. " He looked at her with what attempted to be a frown, but the sides of his mouth twitching into a smile betrayed him.

"I had to make a deal with that businessman Teaspoon! Spent most of Thursday going over the deal, making sure I got the best price, then all of Friday getting the money all sorted out. The stage didn't run on the weekend so I took the first one they had this morning straight to Rock Creek". Amanda looped her arm in his, Teaspoon started to lead her towards the bunk house, but Amanda stopped him.

"Oh no, gotta make sure that trunk stays in sight"

"Ah!" He said as understanding dawned on him, "Right! Well, we'll just grab that trunk of yours, shall we?"

Teaspoon grabbed one end, Amanda the other.

"I see you packed rocks as well as dresses!" He huffed.

"Teaspoon, it is so good to see you." She smiled as they struggled along.

* * *

><p>Rachel showed Amanda to the guest room where she would be staying for the time being. It was simple and clean and would suit her needs just fine. Rachel filled Amanda in on some of the recent happenings; Kid and Lou's divorce, his departure for Virgina, Jimmy and Rosemary leaving for Kansas and Lou and Buck bringing back Jeremiah and Theresa. Rachel could not stop gushing about what wonderful children they were.<p>

"They just got here yesterday, but oh it already feels like they've been here forever. Theresa is just as sweet as pie, she's been my little helper all day, she's so excited to start school and she couldn't wait to meet you tonight. Just a few minutes ago she was setting the table in the bunk house for dinner and Jeremiah... that boy reminds me at bit of Jesse, I think it's just the age. You know when they're trying so hard to be men? and it just makes you want to squeeze them and pinch their cheeks? That is Jeremiah to a T. Poor boy, you'll have to go easy on him. I'm sure he's going to be all tongue tied around you."

"He sounds adorable. I'll try to not pinch his cheeks!" Both women looked at each other and laughed.

"Rachel, I am so glad to be here, thank you for letting me stay with you."

"My goodness girl, Teaspoon has talked of you so much, feels like I already know you, you're already part of my family and my friend."

"I admit, being part of this family is the main reason I said yes to moving here. It's been a long time since I've had one." Amanda's eyes flitted to the floor, she felt damned vulnerable.

"Well, let's stop standing around here and get you to it. Come on, dinner should be about ready. Louise wanted to take a turn cooking tonight. It's her first time makin stew so you'll have to tell her how much you love it."

"Absolutely."

* * *

><p>Teaspoon was in a marvel at how much difference a few days made. They had all enjoyed a fine meal together. There had been nothing but praise for Lou; if the others had felt the stew bland and slightly overdone, they were too smart or kind to say anything. Cody had stopped by briefly to give his greetings to Amanda, he had been sweet on her in the past, but Teaspoon hoped Cody would see her like a sister soon. Jimmy and Kid's leaving had taken a lot of the tension with them. In their place were Lou's siblings who delighted Teaspoon's heart from the first moment he met them. Teaspoon sat back, listening to the idle conversation around the table, the occasional bit of laughter and felt right pleased with himself. All his pieces were in place.<p>

"So tell me more about this ranch idea Teaspoon?" Amanda had heard mention of it now throughout dinner but didn't know the details.

"Well a while back a man named Metcalfe came to town with his daughter Emily, I think I wrote about her, her Pa got killed by a snake named Neville after things went bad with a game of cards. Emily called him out and Ike got shot and killed trying to protect his girl. Neville ended up getting what was coming to him..." Teaspoon glanced over at Buck and Buck quickly looked elsewhere. Buck had shot Neville dead in the street. Whether Neville had drawn first had not been seen. The man needed killing, Teaspoon just felt sorry that Buck had to carry the burden of being the one to do it. Teaspoon cleared his throat and continued.

"Emily cleared out shortly after that. It's been about what, six months now? She just couldn't stay here no more after loosing her Pa and Ike. Fore she left she gave me the deed to her property and the address where she'd be staying with her momma's kin back east. Said if anybody ever wanted it for a fair price, to send her the money and the land would be theirs. "

Amanda looked over at Lou and Buck in a moment of empathy. She had met Ike briefly but he had been a good man and she knew all the riders cared for him deeply, especially Buck who had been like a brother to Ike since they were children.

"I'm sorry about Ike." She said nodding to Buck, he gave her a half smile in return but it was clear he wanted to move on.

"It's a real nice piece of property Amanda, it has lots of grazing land and a valley that will shelter the animals. The Little Blue River flows on one edge of the property and there is already a house, barn, some storage buildings and a well. The buildings are going to need some work. They weren't in the best shape when the Metcalfes bought the place and they didn't live there long enough to fix much of anything. " Buck picked up the explanation for Teaspoon. He wanted to talk about the ranch anyways for the last couple days. Something just wasn't setting well.

"We've planned on doing horse ranching since we've gotten a taste of it caring for all our Express horses..." Buck turned to Teaspoon. He felt a little nervous to continue, but tried to shake it off. Teaspoon wore a puzzled look as he noticed Buck hesitating.

"What is it Buck, you haven't changed your mind bout ranchin have you?"

"Well, Lou and I were talking about it, on our way back from picking up these two" He motioned to Jeremiah and Theresa who were busy munching on cookies Rachel and Theresa had baked earlier.

"I started to think, how are we going to make a profit with these horses once we brake them in or breed them, and I realized out here the biggest buyer would be the army. They'll need lots of horses as they ride trying to maintain "order" with the Indians. I know they'll end up buying horses from someone somewhere, I just don't think I could live with it being from me." Buck said with increasing passion. He looked around the room and then to Teaspoon. Lou squeezed his hand briefly and the tension in his shoulders eased as he gave her an appreciative smile.

"I agree with him Teaspoon." Lou thew in her support. Teaspoon just smiled. He saw Buck's hopeful look and Lou's chin go up an inch.

"You're right of course. I can't believe I didn't think of it"

"So we'll have to raise something... What about that cattle you mentioned, the ones with the horns?" Lou asked.

"I figured the army might be the biggest buyer of our cattle too, but I'd rather feed soldiers than give them mounts." Buck started to feel better, Teaspoon didn't look upset at all.

"Longhorns... and yes Theresa they have the biggest horns you'll ever see. They're as long as a man is tall" He threw his arms out wide to answer the questioning look he saw on the little girls face.

"Will I still get to have my pony if we have cows instead?" Theresa sounded a bit disappointed.

"And I was looking forward to breaking horses." Jeremiah tried to keep the whine out of his voice.

"We'll still need plenty of horses, never you fret Miss Theresa about your pony and Jeremiah if you are so fired up and anxious to land on your backside off a bucking bronco, I promise you, you will get your chance... hell you too Amanda, would you like to break a horse?" Teaspoon laughed at the expression the lovely lady shot him.

"I am going to run a saloon Teaspoon, mean to take care of the paperwork first thing in the morning, and I will ride a horse and maybe even herd a cow or two, but I promise you this, I am not going to be breaking in any horses. The poor horse would probably never forgive me!"

"It's not my favorite thing either" Lou admitted as they exchanged a smile. Rachel put down the dishes and sat down to join the conversation.

"Well let's get to the issue at hand here. How are we going to make this happen? It's the end of October and Winter is nipping at our heels. That homestead out there needs lots of fixin just to be ready for winter, and if we're going to buy stock before spring we'll need to do it soon. I think we'll need to move this bunk house out there too. There's a bedroom in that house that would be great for Louise and Theresa, but Buck and Jeremiah and Cody and whoever else rides through to help will need this bunk house."

"Rachel my dear, you are always the practical one and that's why I love you... Maybe we can buy bout fifty head down in Abilene, we might even get some calves in the spring. That would be a good trip for you three to make" He motioned to Buck, Lou and Jeremiah.

"Teaspoon you're going to have to teach us a lot before the three of us try to bring fifty cows that distance." Lou looked a little worried.

"It will all come back to me Lou, I may be a bit rusty, but I am a Texan after all and a Longhorn's bout as common as having a pup in those parts, how hard can it be?"

The rest of the table all exchanged looks and then turned back incredulously to Teaspoon.

"I can imagine it could be very hard Teaspoon, is there a book or something we could read?" Lou answered for them all.

"I find your lack of faith appalling" Teaspoon folded his arms and gave them a pout. Rachel rolled her eyes.

"I am sure it's _not_ going to be easy, but I'm also sure we'll figure it all out in time... what I'm more concerned about right now is moving this building over to the ranch and finding the help to do it."

"You know I talked to Janusz today... Janusz Tarkoski, he's the town's blacksmith" Buck said for Amanda's benefit.

"I mentioned that we was buying the Metcalfe place to turn it into a ranch and he said he'd like to help." Then he continued to explain for Amanda. "We helped him out of a jam a few months ago..."

"He was wrongfully convicted of manslaughter when his wife died in a fire. Someone else set it and at the time he didn't speak any English, he's from, where is he from? right, Poland. Anyways he went to prison for a couple years and learned English there. We helped him find justice when he got out, can you imagine?" Lou couldn't help but tell the whole story.

"Anyways, _Lou _" Buck elbowed her in the ribs, "He wants to help and I told him we could sure use it. He's a strong as an ox Amanda, probably the tallest man in town, he makes blacksmithing look easy."

"He'd be appreciated that's for sure, a good man that Janusz" Teaspoon added.

Amanda was intrigued, "well, he sounds interesting, I'd like to meet him."

"Oh you'll meet him alright, when we're all sweating, hefting this whole room from here to there" Lou couldn't help but grin at the idea of Amanda lifting heavy things.

"You think I can't work hard, don't you?" Amanda smiled but her pride was a bit wounded.

"Just you wait Lou, maybe I'll even out work you"

"I guess we'll just wait and see then" Lou raised her eyebrow.

"Oh please don't take this too far, I don't want to have to take care of you both if you get laid up" Rachel was a bit exasperated.

"Do you have enough money to buy the land and all the cows?" Theresa asked, moving over to Teaspoon, she sat next to him and leaned into his side. From the minute she had met him, she had accepted him as a father figure, he just had that look about him. She had been waiting for someone like him to come along most of her young life. Teaspoon looked down at her for a moment then over to Lou who was beaming at him.

"Well pretty lady" He said as he put he hand on her small shoulder "I believe we do, Miss Amanda here is buying me out of a partnership we had and I've had some money saved, same as Miss Rachel and Lou and Buck, Jimmy pitched in before he left" Lou and Buck looked to Teaspoon in surprise, they had no idea. "Cody too, only his was a bit less, he likes to spend his money more then the rest" Teaspoon paused before he continued, he supposed they'd have to know sometime. "and Kid, night before he left, Kid pitched in too, only kept what he'd need to make his trip."

"Well we don't need his money" Jeremiah interjected. Lou had told them the whole story on the way home and he was still furious, mostly because he had really liked Kid. Though he probably wouldn't admit it to anyone, when he thought of his sister getting married and finally bringing them home, one of the things he'd been looking forward to most was having Kid for a big brother.

Lou looked over at the hurt on Jeremiah's face and felt angry at Kid leaving all over again. The ripples just kept going.

"Yes, Jeremiah, we do." she sighed. "I spect it's going to be real lean the first few years as we get the hang of this ranching business and we're going to need every penny we can get and more. He left his wedding ring too, wanted me to sell it so I'd have more money for you and Theresa. Maybe I can sell both his and mine in Abilene when we go down there." She felt tears in her eyes and blinked them back quickly. They were looking at her all concerned and she couldn't have that. She felt Buck's hand rubbing her back in a comforting motion, she looked at him from the corner of her eye. His face was expressionless, but she could she could see his jaw tighten and knew he was upset. He was becoming her shelter in the storm, if she wasn't careful she was going to rely on him too much. She straightened up and Buck dropped his hand.

"It was a good thing for him to do. Guess he got one thing right when he left." She said firmly then looked to Rachel almost desperately. Rachel came to her rescue.

"That was a nice thing for Kid to do, now why don't we finish up these supper dishes and get ready for bed, we've got lots to do in the morning; plan the trip to Abilene, talk to Janusz and Tompkins too, we're going to need some supplies." Then she continued on as they started following her instructions.

"Amanda's going to be staying in the guest room at my house, I wonder Louise if I should worry about you and Theresa staying in the bunk house with the boys... the properness of it all. The whole towns known you're a girl for a while now, I don't want the gossips talkin mean about you."

Lou let out a short laugh.

"Rachel, I'll start worry about being proper when you do, this bunk house is one of the best places in the whole world to sleep and hang what the rest of this town thinks. They don't understand this family anyways, either they accept that I'm the girl that pretended to be a boy to ride for the Express or they don't, not going to waste anymore thought on it."

"The old biddies in this town are probably jealous anyway" Amanda added. "We'll ignore them together, that type never likes me either." Amanda had lots of experience tolerating old biddies owning a saloon.

"Have I told you just how glad I am you're here? This family needed another girl" Lou said earnestly. Amanda felt like she was really seeing Lou for the first time. She was maybe two years younger than her but she looked more like a girl just then with uncharacteristic vulnerability in her eyes.

"and I've always wanted a sister" she glanced at Theresa and amended, "well, sisters." Amanda gave both of them a quick hug.

"Oh jeez" Jeremiah rolled his eyes. "Can we just go to bed now, please, all this mushy stuff is making me feel kinda sick."

"I guess that's our cue, Rachel my love. Amanda? Shall we retire to the house? Jeremiah, Lou, Buck, Miss Theresa enjoy your slumber, we will be seeing right early to get workin on the Metcalf place." He tipped his hat and lead the two women towards Rachel's house.

* * *

><p>In a little bit Jeremiah and Theresa were sleeping. Buck turned over to look at Lou across the room in her bunk. It had been a while since she had slept in the bunk house. It warmed his heart to see her looking peaceful in the low light of the lantern. She opened her eyes and caught him staring at her.<p>

"Things might actually turn out alright, huh Buck?" she whispered across the room.

"I'm starting to think so, yeah."

"There's only one thing I'm worried about."

"What's that?"

"How in the world do you rope a Longhorn, just how long are those horns anyways?"

"Maybe you _should_ find a book."

"I'm going to look for one. Don't tell Teaspoon."

Buck gave her a smile that made his eyes twinkle.

"I won't, I have a feeling we're going to need all the help we can get."

She grinned and snuggled down into her pillow.

"'Night Buck"

"'Night Lou"

Her eyes closed and soon her breathing was deep and even, it was only then that Buck closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So I still don't know how you'd rope a Longhorn (those horns are six feet across!), and believe me, I've looked. If anyone has any idea, please message me. I'll throw in a reference to it somewhere down the road. This is my last set up chapter. All the pieces are in place now. Next chapter we'll see how Kid's managing in the grey. It's different than he expected**. **Thank you for sticking with me so far. Let me know what you think!**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 9 (Nov 1861)

Kid awoke with a start. He was on his feet, gun in hand before his mind caught up with his instinctive reaction. The bugles, they sounded like they were coming from right outside the tent. It was before dawn and time for roll call. He had mustered in three weeks ago with the Missouri Volunteer Confederate Militia in Saint Louis and from there his company had moved south to Memphis. Kid looked over at Johnny his tent mate who had just swung his legs off his cot and struggled into a sitting position.

"I am _never _going to get used to that. Damn it, it's not natural to be up before the roosters." Johnny got out from under his blanket, felt the cold morning air hit his body and immediately threw the blanket back over his head and laid back down.

"NO. Too cold. Tell them I'm sick or something; scurvy, dysentery. I don't care." Johnny's mumbled from under his blanket. Kid took Johnny's clothes and boots and threw them on top of his friend, and then gave him a little shove with his foot for good measure.

"Johnny we don't have time for this right now, if I go to the sergeant and tell him you're sick, he's gonna come back here to see you, he'll take one look at you and know you're lying, and that I was lying for you. Then it will be latrine duty for the rest of our lives, now, get _up_."

"Fine, fine" Johnny growled and they both got dressed as fast as they could. Kid looked over at his new friend. There was no way anyone would ever buy he even had the sniffles. Johnny McBride was tall with bright red hair and a ruddy face to match. He had warm brown eyes that seemed to take in everything, roving for the next bit of mischief. He was sturdy, almost pudgy, he had certainly never missed a meal. He was the picture of health.

* * *

><p>Soon they were in line for reveille, the first of three calls for the day. It was one of many tedious tasks Kid was discovering made up daily army life. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but standing at attention for roll call and drilling, drilling, drilling wasn't it. Maybe his surprise at the tedium was because getting to this point had been such a challenge. Leaving Rock Creek had been the most difficult thing he had ever done, and leaving Lou... that pain was still so fresh tried he tried not to think about Lou at all. When he had left Katy at the livery in St Joe's and ran for the train, he had still been crying. He had bought his ticket for St. Louis and settled into his seat ready to stare out the window until everything was a blur, until he was numb. Then Johnny plopped down next to him and started talking like they were old friends. By the time they had pulled into St Louis, it felt like they really were.<p>

Johnny was from Virginia too. His parents had immigrated from Ireland before Johnny was born and latched onto Virginia and the Southern way of life with a passion. They decided to move to Kansas a few years ago for the promise of wide open land to farm but also for political reasons. The McBride's felt like the North was trying to take over the West, when they heard about all the Jayhawkers moving in, they felt they should move too, to help keep the balance of power. It was unsurprising then, that the day Johnny turned eighteen he wanted to sign up for the Confederacy and defend his childhood home. His mother had cried anyway and told him not to go. Johnny had told her that the Confederacy needed him to go whip some Yank tail and that he'd be back by Christmas, before she'd even have a chance to miss him.

Kid and Johnny signed up with first Confederate recruiter they could find as soon as they hopped off the train. St. Louis had been in an uproar that day, the Missouri congress was taking a vote to secede and it had passed, at least for the moment. People on both sides were out on the streets either celebrating or protesting. Their new regiment had moved out the next day towards Memphis. Tennessee was becoming a hot spot on the western front and their regiment was sent as reinforcements. It would have been a much easier journey by steamboat, but with the Union blockades on the Mississippi, the regiment had walked for several days before finding a place safe enough for all the men to cross the river. The ferry crossing had taken hours for all the men to reach the safety of the other side.

Now they were north of Memphis in a sprawling tent camp, but there was talk that soon the soldiers would be building a new fort, said to be called "Fort Pillow". Kid and Johnny had both laughed at that. There was not a pillow in sight. In fact, the camp barely had the necessities to live. Kid just had to shake his head at how rough most of the soldiers looked. No two uniforms were alike, except for the general similarities of an uncomfortable and scratchy grey coat. Hats, pants, shoes, guns were all different. There was a feeling that most of the soldiers were just boys who had dropped whatever they were doing when they got the call to war and came with only the clothes on their backs; more often than not this was actually the case.

* * *

><p>Kid and Johnny walked back from roll call and their first drill of the day. It was time for coffee and cornmeal cakes, what passed as breakfast.<p>

"You know Kid, I'm worried that we're gonna miss the whole war without firing a single shot, specially if this is all over like everyone says, by Christmas. We're gonna waste all our days enlisted drilling and splitting wood for the new fort while the boys in back in Missouri, Virginia and Kentucky get to have all the fun."

Kid just rolled his eyes. Johnny was all confidence and bluster.

"I'm more worried we're never gonna get to Virginia. Why did we think it was a good idea to enlist in St Louis again? Instead of just traveling further east till we could actually enlist with Lee's army on home soil?"

"Well the recruiter said that transferring regiments is common and with our experience with horses we'd be shoo ins to join the cavalry where we'd be needed, out east." Johnny said cheerfully.

"And that he'd put a note in our paperwork so our commanding officers would know to transfer us to Virginia... Johnny, I think he pretty much was planning on saying whatever he needed to say to get us to make our marks on the enlistment papers."

"Hell... Why did we sign up there anyway?"

"Because you heard all the fanfare and the Grey troops marching down the streets and the women cheering and smiling and waving their handkerchiefs, saying how handsome the soldiers were and you said to me "Kid, we gotta do it here, look at this crowd, they _love_ us" and I let you drag me down the street and..."

"Alright, alright. So I got caught up in the moment. You don't have to remind me all the time."

"You were the one that asked."

"Well you should know by now that you're the "think it through" one out of the two of us, you should have threatened to shoot me or somethin."

"I had only known you for a day!"

"Well it was a really long train ride."

Kid just threw up his hands. They were probably going to have this argument every day for the rest of the time they were soldiers together.

"It doesn't matter. What we need to do, is figure out a way to get that transfer." Kid said in a reasonable tone.

"I wish we still had horses, that would have made it easier."

"I couldn't bring Katy to war, I tried to make myself bring her and I just couldn't"

"Yeah me neither with Bonnie. She's a good horse, but not a war horse... and I don't have any money to buy me one, what about you, didn't you make a lot of money riding for the Express?"

Kid thought about it for a moment before he answered, Johnny knew about Lou and his friends back home, but he hadn't gone into detail. He was pretty sure not too many soldiers he'd meet would understand how he could care so much for a bunch of "Yanks" that he'd give them most of his savings even though he thought he'd never see them again.

"I did, but I spent most of it before I left."

"I expect better from you young man." Johnny lowered his voice and gave Kid his most disapproving old man stare, stroking an imaginary beard.  
>Kid laughed and shoved Johnny in the shoulder.<p>

"You're the one to talk."

"Me? I've no idea what you mean, I'm one of the finest men in this camp... Oh Kid, that reminds me! Some of the officers are playing poker later today, heard them planning it. Maybe we could get in the game and work into the talk how good we'd be for the cavalry, all casual-like."

"That is a terrible idea. They're not sposed to be gamblin themselves. They're not going to like us hornin in."

"Well, we got some time, think on it."

"I'm not doing it Johnny, and that is that."

* * *

><p>Kid was fairly certain if he ever survived this card game, he was going to kill Johnny. He was surrounded by the highest ranking officers he had seen since he enlisted, including Captain Mitchell, his superior's superior. Johnny's plan had been simple, take all the money they had, walk up to the table, announce they had money to play and wanted in. Captain Mitchell had stood up, fury etched all over his face, his grey eyes flashing, arm raised to send them to latrine duty or worse for even asking when the eldest officer in a fancy uniform at the table stopped the action with a raise of his hand.<p>

"The boys must want something if they risk your anger, Mitchell, aren't you curious as to what it may be?"

Captain Mitchell's words died in his throat. He sat back down and glared at his two charges.

"We just like a good game of cards, there's not much skill with the rest of the enlisted men."

Kid appraised the table with a cool eye. If he was going to go through with this, he might as well do it right.

"Yes, I'm sure that's it." The eldest officer replied.

He looked amused, but his sharp and steady gaze revealed no warmth. He was a man of power and was used to unquestioned obedience. At the moment, their gross breach of protocol was being tolerated. Kid hoped their luck held.

They had been playing for well over an hour. Johnny had been knocked out after only a few hands. He had no real skill for the game. If he had good cards or bad, it was equally readable on his face.

"Where do you boys hail?" The eldest officer's eyes flicked first from his cards then to Kid and Johnny. Kid answered.

"We're both from Virginia. I'm from the Chesapeake Bay area and Johnny's from Richmond."

"But you haven't lived there in a while. You're far from home and you both have lost a bit of the Virginia way to your words."

"No sir, Johnny's most recently from Kansas, and I lived in the Nebraska Territory for several years."

There was a grumble at the table in reaction to Kid's explanation.

"The North. I see. How did two good Southern boys end up in the arms of the North?"

"Johnny's parents moved to Kansas in response to the Jayhawkers. I moved for the adventure. I rode for the Pony Express while it was running. As soon as the Express ended, I enlisted."

The eldest officer nodded slightly and fell silent, it made Kid uneasy. He looked to be about Teaspoon's age, maybe early fifties, with brown hair and a white beard. He held his cards close, his expression unreadable. Kid looked at the table, Mitchell and the other officer had folded. It was just him and the man of power across from him.

"What say you, Private..."

"Harris, Sir and my friend is Private McBride"

"Alright Harris, then, do you call?"

Kid looked at his hand, it was the best hand he'd had all game and it would probably be his last. All the money was in the middle. The tension crackled. Kid glanced up at Johnny who stood too far away to see his cards. Johnny looked almost sick from wondering what would happen next.

"I do Sir" Kid pushed the last of their coin into the middle.

The eldest officer revealed his hand first. It was a full house. He leaned back, his eyes narrowing at Kid. The other officers laughed and congratulated him.

"Looks like you're going to lose it all boy" Mitchell dismissed Kid with a wave of his hand.

"I might Sir, but not today." Kid quietly put down his hand. It was a straight flush.

The other two officers looked at Kid in horror, Johnny let out a whoop before he quickly shut his mouth. The eldest officer just smiled.

"You play well Harris, you must have had a mighty fine teacher."

"I had a lady friend who worked the boats in New Orleans, she was a very good teacher."

Kid smiled to himself. Rachel had worked on a New Orleans gambling boat once upon a time and she had taught them all the finer points of Poker on cold winter nights in the bunk house. He'd let them assume what they wanted from his explanation.

"I see, well now Harris, now that you have proven your skill and cleaned our pockets, what is it that you want?"

Kid took a deep breath, it was now or never.

"McBride and I, we have more skill with horses. We'd like to be transferred to a cavalry unit back east, to our native soil. Virginia."

Captain Mitchell looked to be ready to launch a full protest. The eldest officer stilled him with a glance.

"I think that can be arranged on a few conditions. Prove your worth to me by helping to build this fort for the next several months. I will also arrange for you and your friend here, to help with the procurement of supplies. This may involve riding into enemy territory, or to a nearby plantation. You can show your horsemanship to me that way. Perhaps by early spring we will send you back to Virginia... if the war isn't over by then."

Johnny looked ready to argue but thought better of it. The eldest officer stood up and the rest of the table, including Kid stood up with him.

"That sounds fair, Sir"

They were about to walk away, but Johnny couldn't help asking.

"Is the new fort really to be called Fort Pillow Sir? I'm wondering if my sergeant wasn't pulling my leg."

"I assure you it is to be Fort Pillow, my father never found much amusement in the name and neither do I"

Mitchell saw the look of total confusion on their faces and took pity on them.

"Boys you just took the money of Brigadier General Gideon Pillow, he's in command of this entire camp and more."

Kid and Johnny both paled. Johnny's mouth hung open.

"It's a fine name for a fort." Kid managed to squeak out. The general cracked a small smile.

"Mitchell don't these two young soldiers have a drill to go to?"

"They do Sir"

"They'd better get to it, then."

Kid and Johnny knew a dismissal when they heard one, Kid scooped up his winnings, they both saluted several times and ran towards their tent.

"With respect Sir, why did you let them play at all? Much less agree to what they wanted? I don't want every snot nosed private comin in here thinking they can get whatever they want through a game of cards."

Mitchell was furious but knew enough to tread carefully, at his age of thirty years, he was still considered a pup to someone from the old guard like General Pillow.

"I have my reasons Mitchell. Harris shows promise and they may be of use to me. They have spent far too much time in the North for my liking, however. They will have to prove their loyalty first."

The General smiled coldly at Mitchell then, and Mitchell nodded in return, but suddenly felt a sense of unease. He wasn't exactly sure just what his men had won in that hand of cards.

* * *

><p>Johnny waited until they were out of earshot before he loudly whispered to Kid.<p>

"That was amazing! Why didn't you tell me you could play like that? I thought we'd be dead men for sure the way Captain Mitchell looked when we first walked up, I was bout to turn tail till.. General Pillow, God, I can't believe that's his real name, stopped him... Virginia, here we come! Just wait till we tell the fellas!...OW!"

Kid hit him in the shoulder, hard.

"Shhh! We gotta keep this whole thing quiet, I mean it Johnny, you can't tell a soul."

They were at their tent now and Kid grabbed Johnny by the coat and pulled him in. He started scrounging around in his satchel for a small tin box to put their newly won coin and eyed the tent, trying to find a suitable hiding place. Johnny just stood there, looking at Kid like he had grown two heads.

"Not tell _anyone_, are you serious? That game was the most exciting thing I've seen since we joined up! AND we're getting to go back to Virginia, not as soon as we'd like, sure, but still! We're set for money for a while too, if word got out that you beat the General we'd have all sorts trying to beat you, you could be the richest man in the whole _camp_!"

"That's exactly why we can't tell anyone!" Kid hissed.

"It's not going to go good for us if other privates try to pull the same stunt we just did... and I got lucky, damn lucky with that hand at the end. I don't want some reputation that I don't deserve. I've seen what that can do to a man. Things like that have a way of gettin away from you and the last thing I want is to get shot over some card game gone wrong ."

Johnny went from looking appalled to defeated.

"Ah Hell, Kid, you've gone and pulled all the fun right out of this, you know that? being practical and all."

Kid had to chuckle at the way Johnny said practical, as if it was a curse. He finished burying the tin under his cot. Maybe it would stay safe that way.

"Fine, I won't say a word. I swear, not even to my ma. You happy?"

Kid smiled at Johnny, he was truly disgruntled.

"Thank you, anyways we don't even know what sort of man the General is yet. I hope he's a man of his word. He knows what we want and he has the power to give it to us or leave us to rot here. Does that set well with you?"

"He's a _General,_ we're going to be just fine." Johnny dismissed Kid's concern easily and peeked out their tent. "We're late for drill." and with that they ran to the practice field.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Meet Johnny McBride current ying to Kid's yang. He's a lot of fun to write. Oh and there was a real General Pillow. He was such a character, you couldn't even make up the stuff there is out there about him. I will tell you more about Pillow later, but yeah, its safe to assume you haven't seen the last of him. **


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 10 (Nov 1861)

It was just before three in the afternoon, Teaspoon walked across the street to Polly's old saloon, now named after Amanda. It had been running for just over two weeks and already he could see the changes for the better. The bar was so clean it shined. The tables were in nice rows, the windows had been recently washed. There were even a few paintings on the walls. She had hired a staff of saloon girls who were good at entertaining men, but not _that _good. Amanda had made it clear from the first day that there was Miss Belle's, a whore house on the other end of the street for that kind of entertainment. Her girls were to be treated like ladies. She also had two barkeeps, Ed and Zeke. They were both older gents with lots of experience.

Teaspoon settled in to wait for Amanda at the bar. He had to squeeze in. The whole town had rejoiced when the saloon reopened. There had been steady business with happy customers from day one. After the first week she had been turning the saloon over to either Ed or Zeke's care around three in the afternoon. At three she'd go up to her new quarters above the bar to turn from Amanda the saloon owner to Amanda the rancher. She'd trade her red and black dress with lace for pants, boots, old shirt and jacket. Her hair went from curly and loose to pulled back in a braid. The woman that went up the stairs was almost unrecognizable to the girl that came down. She approached Teaspoon now, brow furrowed, her eyes darting to the street. Teaspoon answered the unspoken question.

"Janusz said he would meet us over at the school when we swung by for Rachel and Theresa." Teaspoon couldn't help but grin at the look of embarrassment that flashed across her face.

"Is it that obvious? Damn it Teaspoon, he barely speaks to me, when he does, he treats me like a child. Why am I letting him get under my skin like this?"

Teaspoon was amused to no end. Here was his Amanda, one of the most confident and self assured women he had ever met flustered like a school girl with her first crush. For the past two weeks He had been picking up Amanda and they would go out to the ranch with Janusz, Rachel and Theresa to help out for the rest of the evening with Lou, Buck and Jeremiah. Only right now the latter three were out on the trail bringing back the cattle from Kansas. They had gone round and round debating whether or not they were ready and if they knew enough about Longhorns to get home safely. Fortunately the problem resolved itself when Henry Lewis, one of Teaspoon's deputees volunteered to go with them. He was a quiet, middle aged man, but had spent some time in Texas in his younger days on a ranch. He would teach them as they went along. The foursome had been gone nearly a week but were scheduled to return any time now. Teaspoon caught Amanda fiddling with the cuff of her coat nervously, he reached over and patted her shoulder.

"I am certain the man ain't seein you as a child Amanda."

"Well, there's a dozen years between our ages and dressin like this probably isn't helping" She gestured to her outfit.

"If you're so fired up to get his attention, I'm tellin ya, you couldn't be doing more than what you are right now. You're working damn hard to get this ranch goin. His head may not be turned by just another pretty face, but if that pretty face comes with your grit and determination, well he'd be a fool not to notice, and Janusz is many things, but he ain't a fool."

"I'm not going to hold my breath" She grumbled, "Well, lets get going. I'm just going to put all this out of my head."

She said as she stomped out of the saloon. Young people, Teaspoon thought and let out a little snort as he followed her out.

* * *

><p>"Here, I carry this one, you follow after with this" Janusz handed Amanda the lantern, and with a grunt threw a hay bale over his shoulder. Amanda grabbed a pitchfork too and followed him up the rickety ladder to the loft in the barn. A few hours of work had gone by and the cool autumn sun was almost down making it especially dark in the barn. They were preparing emergency feed for the animals for the long winter months. There were stacks of hay bales and loose hay too, her reason for the pitchfork. She shoved the hay off to one side with one hand and held the lantern for Janusz with the other. He hefted the hay bale onto a stack of several bales then went down the ladder for more. He repeated this process several more times, Amanda finished her work with the pitchfork and stood there watching him go up and down the ladder. She felt awkward. She didn't need to be there to hold the lantern, she could just set it down and find other work to do, but she was slightly mesmerized watching the quiet man's strength. Finally she snapped out of it.<p>

"Janusz, I don't believe you need me here, I'll go into the house, ask Teaspoon what else there is to do." She said as he finished his last step on the ladder. He threw the bale on top of a very high stack like it was nothing and turned to her. He paused to catch his breath and wipe his brow before he looked at her.

"Yes, ok."

She went to move around him when he lightly placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Thank you. For the light."

"Erm, of course"

She was about to turn to ladder when he added.

"Wait. I wanted to ask you... Ah. I do not know how to ask."

"Yes?" Damn her hide, her heart skipped a beat.

"You have new room in saloon, yes?"

"I do, I just moved in upstairs a few days ago"

"I was hoping I could see room."

"You want to see my room?" The pitch of her voice rose as she looked at him with wide eyes.

"Yes. I was hoping, I could put locks on door."

"Wait, what? locks on my door? Whatever for?" She was confused now.

Janusz looked at her nervously, but went ahead.

"When you sleep, there are men downstairs, these men might drink too much, come upstairs and come to your room. I could make iron locks. They will not even be able to shoot with gun to open. The lock, it will be too strong."

Amanda looked at him, mouth slightly agape before she found words to answer him.

"Janusz, do I look like I can't take care of myself? My door does have a lock and I sleep with a gun right by my side, you may not have seen me use one, but believe me, I am a good shot."

Amanda couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice. Locks on her door. Like a protective papa. She already had Teaspoon, she didn't need another "father". She turned to leave but he touched her arm again.

"Ah, no please. I know. You are strong woman. You work hard and are very smart. You can take care. Maybe you shoot better than me. I just think, I can not do much to be help to you, but I can put lock so you do not worry and sleep with gun."

He was looking at her with what only could be described as desperation. Amanda looked into his eyes and felt her guard going down, just a little bit

.  
>"Oh." Was all she managed to say.<p>

"I worry I not say this right" He ran his fingers through his short sandy brown hair and closed his hazel eyes shut for a second.

"Amanda you are beautiful woman. I worry you be safe, maybe I not have right to worry about you this way. I did not mean to hurt you, say you can not care for yourself."

He looked down at the floor of the loft. Amanda felt her heart begin to race.

"Do you... care for me?"

There was a long pause.

"Tak... Yes"

"Like a brother or father?"

Janusz let out a short laugh at that one.

"No. Not like brother. Not like father."

Amanda gave him a slow smile.

"You could come over tomorrow... for the locks."

He let out his breath and gave her a look of pure relief.

"Good"

She reached for his hand and held it. His large hand dwarfed hers and his warmth sent tingles up her arm. She mentally gave herself a shake to stop grinning like a fool. She cleared her throat.

"I suppose Rachel will have some food for us to eat before we head back to town."

He smiled, let her hand go and motioned for her to go first down the ladder.

They came into the recently reconstructed and completed bunk house a few minutes later. Teaspoon took one look at them and knew Janusz had finally worked up the nerve to have a real conversation with her. And Amanda had been worried. Teaspoon felt pleased as punch. He hadn't even done any scheming to bring about this new bit of potential happiness, but maybe he could find a way to take the credit anyways.

* * *

><p>The next day was Saturday. It had rained during the night, but the morning was bright and clear. They couldn't have asked for a better fall day on the prairie and would probably not have many more like this. Teaspoon and Rachel had stayed at the ranch house the previous night to keep Theresa company and to be around when the four got back with the cattle. They should've been back yesterday, but Teaspoon wasn't overly concerned yet. They were greenhorns and cattle could be stubborn critters when they wanted to be. He expected Cody to be around sometime in the morning as he had promised to help put the finishing touches on the second bedroom in the main house on his day off. Amanda and Janusz had said they might come over later. Amanda had blushed and mumbled something about taking care of locks. He had no idea what that was all about, but felt no need to pry. The girl had stars in her eyes and it was nice to see. Janusz wasn't looking all that unhappy about spending time with her either.<p>

Teaspoon got a nice hug from a sleepy Theresa as she padded by him in her pink pajamas, she sat down across from Rachel at the table for biscuits, bacon and eggs.

"When is Cody sposed to be here?" Rachel asked as she handed Teaspoon his coffee. He let the mug warm his hands for a moment then placed a quick kiss on Rachel's offered cheek as he sat down next to her.

"Surprised he ain't already here. Boy's got a nose like a bloodhound when it comes to vittles."

As if on cue, Cody bound through the front door.

"Mornin folks! I hope I'm not too late! Mmm bacon! Ah, there is no finer smell."

He shrugged off his outer coat and fluffed Theresa's hair before sitting next to her. She wrinkled her nose.

"You're always doin that Cody, messin up my hair"

"That's cause your hair always needs messin." Cody smiled at the little girl.

"Does not!" She frowned.

"Does so" Cody's grin grew wider.

Teaspoon held up his hand before Cody teased the girl any further.

"Ah leave her be Cody, she just woke up, everyone's entitled to their own grumpiness first thing in the mornin."

"Sorry Theresa" He winked at her. Theresa tried to keep her frown, but couldn't and grinned at Cody in forgiveness. Yep, Teaspoon thought, that's Cody in a nutshell, you want to be irritated with him but he won't let you.

"How's soldiering been this week?" Rachel asked from across the table as she watched Cody fill his plate. Cody took a bite, chewed slowly and then set down his fork, wiping his hands on his napkin.

"I've had better." He said with a half smile, but the usual light in his blue eyes was missing.

"There trouble in them hills I should know about?" Teaspoon leaned forward and appraised the boy.

"Naw, the trouble ain't in the hills, it's in the camp. I'm hopin it will blow over. You know how I mentioned some men I ride with are more savage than any Indian? Well they have names. The ringleaders are Steele and Ford. I'm sposed to be trackin for bushwackers, but every day they get a little louder bout how they didn't sign up to chase down some wussy Rebs. They're on me to find some "savage" for them to kill. It's gettin on my nerves."

Cody said with a sigh. He hated admitting that Teaspoon had been right in some aspects about joining. Teaspoon just leaned back and rested his hands on his suspenders.

"Well, I know your Captain to be a reasonable man, why ain't he done nothing with these two?"

Cody let out a snort.

"That's just it, these two are damn near untouchable, that's why they're getting even more brazen. Seems they're family friends of some General in Washington. That's why the Captain ain't doing nothin. Unless they do something like rob a bank or kill someone? His hands are tied."

Teaspoon's frowned deepened, he knew the type and had about as little respect as you could possibly have for those who used connections to get ahead or stay above the law.

"Well Cody, I appreciate the warning. I'll keep my eye out for them in town."

Cody glanced at Teaspoon and nodded, his attention abruptly returning to Theresa, currently playing with her food.

"Well we don't need to talk bout them bad apples anymore, ain't that right Theresa. Not very interestin talk for a young lady such as yourself."

Theresa nodded her head and smiled. Cody shook off his mood as you would a chill and picked up his fork, returning to his breakfast with renewed appetite.

Teaspoon followed Cody's lead and let the matter drop, for now.

"So are you ready to get to work, ? Them boards ain't going to nail themselves."

"Soon as I finish this breakfast here so's I have the strength" Cody grinned, looking around for extra biscuits.

"They're over here" Rachel passed him the bowl. She and Teaspoon exchanged a look and poured themselves some more coffee. It would be a bit.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is actually the first half of a "Rock Creek" section of the story. The chapter got so long, I had to split it in two. ****Tomorrow, the other half will be about the miserable cattle drive. Yeah, they have a good time. On a side note, can I have Cody over for Thankgiving? He's be an awesome dinner guest. I would make him chocolate cake. **


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 11

Lou couldn't remember when she had experienced a more miserable ride. It was getting to the point where she was starting to feel genuinely afraid. Getting down to Abilene hadn't been so bad. It was only 90 miles from Rock Creek and they had made a decent pace with their four horses plus the two they brought as extra so none of their mounts would get overly tired. They had reached Abilene on the second day. It was a small town and had one rancher who sold Longhorns there. He had the stock but proved to be a bit of a problem when he realized he'd be selling to a "dirty breed". He had been persuaded otherwise when Lou cocked her gun in his face and icily said that she had killed a man for calling Buck less and to either take the money or they'd take their business elsewhere, where she'd be sure to pass on what an ignorant jackass he was. The man had lost all his bluster after that and meekly sold them the cattle. While Henry and Jeremiah found Lou's gunslinger act amusing, Buck had not.

"You can't go and pull your gun on everyone who calls me a name, not all of them will be a coward like that guy." Buck pulled her aside as Henry went to show Jeremiah the stock. Lou stopped and turned to face him. She hadn't been feeling good all day and her mood was worse.

"Well someone had to say something to that braying jackass and you weren't going to."

"You gotta know when it's worth it and when it's not, it wasn't worth it that time. You could've gotten hurt." Buck gave Lou a look that usually would have made her back down.

"I can take care of myself, Buck!"

Buck was truly exasperated now.

"Well so can I! I've been dealing with types like that my whole life, on my own."

"You want to be alone right now, fine. Be alone."

She walked away from him, then started to walk faster as she ignored Buck calling after her. She felt her stomach turning and the bile in the back of her throat. She was going to be sick and she didn't want anyone to see her loose her breakfast, especially Buck.

* * *

><p>They had been on the trail for several days and it seemed like every little thing that could go wrong, had. The bull was an ornery beast and all their horses were terrified of it. Henry was the only one that could keep the bull going in the direction they wanted to go. The rest of the cattle were surprisingly docile, but they hadn't yet figured out a good way to keep them going at the pace they wanted. Jeremiah especially was nervous of the horns. He tried to lasso one of the cows who had wandered off like Henry showed him, making and extra wide loop, aiming for both horns with the intention of tightening the loop at the base of the horns. His inexperience however did him in as his aim went wide, only roping one horn. He was tugged forward like a fisherman with a big fish for a second before being jerked back as the loop slipped. He teetered on his horse, arms flailing until he finally found enough balance to stay upright. It would have been funny if they weren't already miserable. The weather had turned and it rained on and off for two days straight. It was so cold and wet, they could barely sleep at night. It was hard to keep a fire going or cook anything to eat. They all had to take shifts watching the cattle through the night to make sure the herd stayed together. It was all taking it's toll on Lou and by the last day she couldn't hide how sick she was anymore.<p>

"Buck, I'm worried bout Lou."

Jeremiah reined in his horse and fell along side his new friend. It was obvious Lou and Buck weren't getting along the best, but it didn't matter to him. Buck had taken Jeremiah under his wing since the day they left the orphanage. Buck had taught him how to hunt with a bow and arrow, and helped him skin his first kill, a rabbit. He had showed him how to split rails and swing a hammer as they built up the ranch. He never lost his patience, even when he'd show Jeremiah the same thing multiple times. Buck had earned Jeremiah's undying loyalty although he would be too embarrassed to ever say so.

"She's white as a sheet and she's run off to empty her stomach a few times. I don't know if it's somethin she ate or what."

Jeremiah kept his voice low to make sure Lou couldn't hear them. Buck let out a sigh. He had felt nearly as sick watching her go from bad to worse the last several days, here they were on day five in the home stretch and he was starting to think she was going to fall right out of her saddle. He hadn't understood what had gotten into her at first, she was being more ornery than he had ever seen her and looked ready to bite his head off any time he tried to talk to her, and she had never been that way to him. Her and Kid could argue something fierce, but Buck's friendship with Lou had always been easy. The sting subsided though when he realized that like always, it was easier for Lou to be angry than scared.

"I'm going to try and talk to her." Buck said. Jeremiah nodded to him and fell back.

"Good luck, you'll need it."

Buck brought his horse up to hers and glanced over at Lou. She looked about ready to drop.

"Lou, please, I can't let you keep going like this, we need to stop so you can rest."

"No, we're almost home, we can't stop now. I can make it."

Her voice sounded raspy and her breathing was ragged, she looked deathly pale. That did it. Enough was enough.

"Like hell." Buck got as close as he could and lifted her off her horse and put her in front of himself in one motion.

"Damn it. You're not gonna let me pretend to be ok anymore, are you?"

All the fight left Lou as she let out a breath she felt she had been holding for days. She let all her weight fall against Buck and she closed her eyes. Buck felt a physical ache in his chest, he rested his chin on the top of her head and felt her forehead with his hand.

"No. Lou, you're burning up. We need to get you to a doctor as soon as we get home."

"Hmph... I'll be right as rain once I get a hot bath and a hot meal."

"If you say so" Buck would be damned sure she didn't leave her bed until the doc gave his ok, but he really didn't want argue with her. She was shivering in his arms and he tried to hold her closer to keep her warm.

"We should have stopped. I figured you were sick even in Abilene, we should've stayed there til you felt better."

"Mmm. No, I wouldn't have let you. I just want to go home." She turned to look at him and saw his fear for her written all over his face. She reached up and lightly touched his cheek and gave him a small smile. He blinked at her in surprise.

"I really have been rotten, Buck. I wouldn't be surprised if you hated me for all your days after how I've been actin."

"You could be more ornery than that bull, Lou and I still wouldn't hate you" He gave her a half smile. Lou's eyes started to fill with tears.

"I can't remember when I've been this sick or this scared. Everything hurts, I'm too hot, then I'm too cold. My head feels like it's in a vice and I can't keep anything down. I feel as weak as a new born foal, but what scares me the most is that I need you... I'm not going to be able to make it home without you."

Lou spoke so softly Buck could barely hear her, it was like she was admitting her deepest secret that she was human and needed help.

"Good thing you have me then."

Buck waited to see if she would say anything else, but she had fallen silent. He looked down and she was fast asleep. He could feel the iron control he usually held over his emotions slipping. The woman he loved was sleeping in his arms. She trusted him and needed him. There was a small voice in the back of his mind screaming to be heard. There might just be hope, that one day...

"You're a miracle worker, you know that? You got her to sleep even? Wow." Jeremiah hadn't heard his sister yell once and had ridden up to see if he needed to help Buck out but now saw there was no need.

"She's real sick Miah. She's burnin up. Go get Henry, we need to figure out how fast we can get these cattle home."

Jeremiah saw the fear on Buck's face and it made him even more uneasy. He rode back to Henry's position, bringing up the rear of the herd and asked him to come see Buck. Henry rode up to Buck's left and Jeremiah went to the right.

"She's taken a turn for the worse?" Henry asked. He rubbed his greying whiskers in concern. Buck just nodded in confirmation.

"She has a fever."

"We should have the boy ride ahead and fetch Doc Gollmer then, bring him out to the ranch. We're bout five miles out I reckon."

"That's what I thought. How quickly can we move these cows?"

"If we push the pace we could be home in two hours or so."

"I spose that's the best we can do... Jeremiah, do you know the way back to Rock Creek from here?"

"Straight north and west. It's starting to look familiar. Yeah, I can do this." Jeremiah paused and looked to Buck for the go ahead.

"Ride fast, Miah" Buck watched the boy urge his horse into a gallop and felt a bit of pride for the man Jeremiah was becoming before going back to the problem at hand.

"I'll go back to the rear, see if I can't get these 'horns goin." Henry turned his horse to go back the way he came when Buck stopped him.

"We couldn't have come this far without you. We'll have some coin waiting for you when we get home, but even that won't be enough to thank you for helpin us."

Henry dropped his eyes and shrugged, he wasn't comfortable with such praise.

"Shucks, weren't nothin, forgot how much fun it is to ride the trail, haven't felt this alive in years."

Buck cracked a smile.

"I wouldn't call this fun, but I do know anytime you feel like doin a bit of ranching when we get home, we'd love to have your help."

"Might just do that." and with that Henry rode to the rear. Buck soon heard the cattle lowing as they were urged forward.

"Hang on Lou." Buck whispered in the sleeping girl's ear.

* * *

><p>It was mid afternoon and Cody was nearly done with the finishing touches on the second bedroom. It jutted out awkwardly from the rest of the rectangular house, but the boards were snug and would do the job of keeping whoever slept in there warm and dry. He leaned against the side of the house and wiped the sweat out of his eyes and let his mind wander for a minute. He wasn't sure what exactly he'd do when this war was over, but he knew he wouldn't have a career in carpentry any time soon. He had enough of sawing and hammering to last a lifetime. Having a career in the theater on the other hand, well that was a whole other story; the applause, the fame, the women... He saw a rider coming in fast from town alone. His senses went on alert and he dropped his hammer, the bedroom instantly forgotten. He headed towards the barn, not taking his eyes off the rider, he could just about make out who it was.<p>

"Teaspoon! Jeremiah's riding in here like he's got hounds of hell chasin him. Something's wrong."

Teaspoon had been showing Theresa the barn cats' hiding spots, but came out in a hurry, reaching for his gun. Cody joined him with his rifle and walked towards Jeremiah. He came to a dead stop right in front of them.

"There trouble boy?" Teaspoon asked as he grabbed Jeremiah's lead.

"Not the gun kind."

Jeremiah got off his horse and paused to catch his breath for a second. Both men only relaxed their stance slightly.

"Lou's sick, she's got some fever. She got sick in Abilene and just kept gettin worse. She had to ride with Buck, she couldn't hold her saddle no more."

Teaspoon's eyebrows shot up in alarm. She had to be real bad off to not keep her horse.

"The doctor?" Teaspoon asked

"Behind me, said he'd need to get his supplies first."

"And Buck and Lou?" Cody followed up.

"With the cattle. Henry was gonna try and hurry em up so they could get here faster. They shouldn't be too far behind me."

"You did a might fine job boy, let's get you inside, cleaned up and tell Rachel what's coming. She'll want to get things ready."

Teaspoon but his arm around Jeremiah and passed the reins of the horse to Cody.

* * *

><p>Within a half hour, the horse was stabled, Jeremiah had washed and eaten and Rachel had the bedroom and fresh water ready for Lou's arrival. Doctor Gollmer had come in from town. The were just sitting down to get to the awful business of waiting when they heard the sounds of the cattle in the distance.<p>

"Lou, wake up. We made it, we're home."

Buck gently nudged her. She had been sleeping since Jeremiah had rode off, but it had been fitful. He had never been so glad to see a place in his life. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Henry head a bit to the left. Buck had described the pastureland for the cattle earlier and Henry recognized the spot and was going to stay behind to make sure all the cattle settled in there. Buck couldn't be more grateful for the man. Lou moved slightly and mumbled something he couldn't understand.

"Good you're awake, stay with me alright? Teaspoon and everyone are comin out to see you. I'm going to get off the horse, you think you hold on here for a minute?"

She gave him a small nod. He quickly slid off the horse then turned back to her, she held her arms out to him and he carried her towards to house and their waiting family.

"Don't like Doctors, Buck, don't want him bleedin me." Lou whispered. Buck shivered at the thought. The white medicine idea of bleeding out a person's life force didn't make any sense to Buck's Kiowa side.

"I won't let him cut you." He whispered in her ear and held her tighter. The rest of the group reached him, they were all talking at once. Rachel and Doc Gollmer stepped forward.

"Bring her in the bedroom, Buck." Rachel said.

He laid her down and she squeezed his hand, her eyes gazed hauntingly into his. She never had looked more fragile. Buck could hardly stand still. The doctor took in Buck's distraught appearance and put his hand on the young man's shoulder.

"I need to you leave now so I can examine her, don't worry, Rachel will be here for her."

He started to lead him to the door. Buck stood his ground. He looked the doctor straight in the eye with such intensity, if Gollmer wasn't familiar with Buck he would've been a bit scared.

"You can't bleed her doc. She doesn't want it. Promise me you won't cut her and I'll leave."

"You have my word. I haven't used leeches or cut veins in years, new research doesn't support it. Now, if you'll leave me to my patient."

With that Buck was on the other side of a closed door.

* * *

><p>"I hate waitin. What in tarnation is takin him so long?" Cody broke the silence. He couldn't take the tension any more. Everyone was quiet and thinking, even Theresa sitting on Teaspoon's lap.<p>

"We gotta give the man the space to do his job, son" Teaspoon answered, he felt the same as Cody though, he had just lived long enough to know pacing round and round the room wasn't going to help.

"Well it's just a fever, right Buck? We've all had those before; some sleep, Rachel's chicken soup and we've all been as good as new." Cody looked at his friend for an answer, but Buck barely looked up from his spot by the fire.

"I've never seen a fever like this one before" Jeremiah answered for him.

"She has more than a fever." The doctor came in the room followed by Rachel. The whole room stood up. Doc Gollmer looked over to Rachel for some kind of permission and Rachel nodded at him.

"She wanted you to tell them, said we don't have any secrets in this family."

Doc Gollmer nodded and took a deep breath before continuing.

"She should've never made that trip. She's suffering from exposure, dehydration and exhaustion. She picked up the fever and the illness in her lungs from pushing herself too far. She needs a lot of sleep and fluids. She needs to be kept cool, the fever must break and soon. That is the most important thing, in her condition."

Those last words fell heavily as their meaning dawned on each person.

"What condition?" Theresa asked the doctor.

"Louise is pregnant, about three or four months along. The fever could be very dangerous for her unborn child."

"Lou is... pregnant?"

Buck looked as if someone had punched him in the stomach and Gollmer wondered for a moment if the idle gossip was true. He had heard some of the women in town gleefully saying that Kid had divorced Louise and left because she had taken up with the half breed. That they lived out on this ranch now was only adding fuel to the fire. Gollmer had to admit the way the boy was acting certainly made him think there was something to the talk, but it wasn't his place or his way to speculate or talk about his patient's personal lives.

"I gotta get out of here." Buck had a wild look in his eyes, he reached for his coat and made for the door.

"Where are you going? She was asking for you, Buck" Rachel rushed up to him and put her hand on his arm. That made him pause.

"Don't let her go worrying for me alright, I just need to get out for a bit. Clear my head."

The desire to escape was so strong it was all he could do to not start running. He made his way to a fresh horse and grabbed the ax off the wall. Cody stuck his out the door just in time to see him gallop off as fast as he could.

* * *

><p>Rachel came back into the bedroom and sat down next to Lou, she gave her a small smile as she put a wet cloth on her forehead. Then she poured some warm water in a cup and held it up to Lou's mouth.<p>

"Doc says you need to drink lots and keep cool to get rid of this fever." Lou struggled to lift her head and took a few small sips.

"Where's Buck?"

Rachel made her voice light and unaffected.

"Oh he'll be back soon."

"Back? Did he leave?" She tried to sit up and Rachel put her hand on her shoulder.

"Yes, but he didn't want you to fret over him, he'll be right by your side soon enough, I think he's been so worried for you, he just needed some time to get over his worry in his way."

"Oh Rachel I've made a mess of everything" Lou cried, tears fell unchecked from her eyes.

"Shh now that ain't true."

"Yes it is. How could I not have known? I haven't had my monthly in a while, but that ain't so unusual. Spent so much time ridin, pretending I was a boy, it was like my body got confused and I'd only get my monthly every so often."

Rachel just murmured in sympathy and brushed Lou's hair away from her face.

"My body's felt different for a while, there's just been so much to do and with Kid leaving I just pushed it all out of my head... Rachel how could he leave? How could he leave me with a child?" She paused and took a deep, shuddering breath.

"I hate him you know, no really I mean it. I still love him and I hate him at the same time."

"We could write him, he would want to know, maybe then..." Rachel offered hesitantly. Lou's eyes flew open in alarm.

"No! No, please don't write him, not you, Teaspoon, nobody. I don't want him to know. He divorced me and left me for Virginia. If he came back just for that? No. He gave up his rights to this child when he gave up his rights to me."

"Alright Louise, no one will tell him. Please rest. I know it's hard, you've gotten some big news, but you need to sleep and put these thoughts away for a while."

Lou's eyes were heavy, her whole body was heavy and screaming for rest, she reached for Rachel's hand.

"I should've told them all myself... bout the baby. I was a coward. I hope they'll forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive, Louise." Rachel stroked Lou's hand and watched her finally let go of her worries and fall into a deep sleep.

* * *

><p><em>Thwack!<em> _Thwack!_ Buck's arm brought the ax down harder and harder against the fallen three. He had seen this tree a week or so ago on the property. It was large and had been down for quite a while. He had thought it would be perfect for fence rails. Just now though he wasn't thinking about anything but beating the tree with all the aggression he had in his body. His shoulder had turned numb a while ago, he hadn't brought his gloves and his hands were raw. None of it mattered. His guilt over Lou's sickness felt like it was going to crush him, she never should have gone the doc had said... she had endured that whole miserable drive and she had been pregnant? He couldn't wrap his mind around it.

He thought of Kid and his rage increased. It was his fault, all of this. His fault for leaving Lou hurt and broken and now with child. His fault for divorcing her and leaving her alone here, with him. When Kid was here together with Lou, Buck had come to peace with his feelings. He had been her friend, nothing more. But the bastard had left and every day Lou had looked to him more and more and their friendship was closer than ever. He had actually started to think that maybe someday he'd be able to let Lou see just how much he cared, that they would build a life together with the ranch and it would grow into a life with him. If she returned even a portion of how he felt about her, he would be a happy man. With a baby though, Kid's baby, how would it be possible? He couldn't hit the tree hard enough, pieces of wood flew around him, sometimes hitting him, he barely felt it. Kid would always have her now. It didn't make a damn difference that he was never coming back.

"Bastard!" Buck growled at the tree.

"Buck? That tree's already dead, you don't need to beat on it like that."

Cody walked up to Buck, keeping his distance. Just how far could Buck throw that ax, he wondered. Cody backed up a few extra feet just to be sure. Buck looked at Cody, shooting him a glare that would leave him dead, if it had the power to do so. He went back to swinging at the tree.

"Go away Cody. Don't need the company just now."

"Well everyone else was wondering where you went. I saw the ax and remembered you said something about this tree making good rail. It's not even going to be good enough for firewood if you keep it up like that, there won't be anything left."

"I told you to go away."

"You know I think I know what your problem is, I feel partially to blame."

Buck stopped mid swing and let his hand drop. He looked at Cody like he was crazy.

"Oh this is going to be good. What Cody? What is my problem? I'd love to hear what you've figured out."

"Well you don't have to take your mad out at me Buck, I know you're blamin yourself for Lou getting sick, but I think you should let that one go, even if she had known she was carrying she would've wanted to make that trip, fool that she is. Don't know if she'd been able to talk to you into it, but she would've wanted to go."

Buck decided to hold off punching Cody, this part at least, was probably true.

"Problem is, Kid's gone and Jimmy, and I ain't able to come around much either. You've become brother to Lou's siblings and the man of the house for Lou without any of the benefits. So instead of sharing a bed with a woman, you're out here destroying this tree. It ain't right."

Buck just stared at him, he almost had to smile.

"You're crazy."

"I am not! I should've seen this sooner. Next time I go to Miss Belle's, you're coming with me. There's this girl, they call her Candy and she is Buck, as sweet as can be, she can take you places no man's never been before."

"I'm pretty sure lots of men have been there before."

"Well you'd never know it! When you're with her, it's like you're the only man alive. I'm telling you, you'll thank me... and you know what else? I'm going to try and come around more, share the "man of the house" responsibilities."

"_Please_ don't do me any favors, sides you're too busy scouting for the army to come round here much."

"I'm not even going to bite at that Buck. Not going to let you get me sidetracked." Cody was looking damned pleased with himself.

Buck let out a big sigh and dropped the ax. He looked at his battered hands, he'd still be able to hit that smirk of Cody's face if he had to.

"Get it through your thick skull that I'm not going to go whoring with you. Not ever."

"Why on earth not? It's either that or you're going to be chopping down a lot of trees. There won't be one left standing for miles."

"Do I really need to spell this out for you? Fine. For the Kiowa becoming one with a woman is not something we take lightly, but even if that wasn't important to me, do you think I could just use a woman, throw some coin at her and leave? Look at me Cody. My white father used my Kiowa mother, he used her violently then left her for dead. I may not be forcing a whore, but I'm still using her. I'm takin something from her even as I give her money for the pleasure of using her. I can't do it."

Cody looked at Buck, mouth agape for long moment, then he screwed up his face like he had just smelled something foul.

"Aw Hell Buck! Why'd you have to go and put all those ideas in my head for? It's going to be long time before I'll be able to forget them and enjoy Miss Belle's again!"

Buck tried to hold his frown but couldn't, his shoulders started to shake and before he could stop himself he was full out laughing, holding his sides.

"What did I say? huh? Buck are you alright?"

"Oh Cody you idiot... let's go home."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So yeah, this is a long one, with a bit of a bombshell in it, hope you stuck with me. I was prepared to leave this chapter on a dramatic note, but when Cody started talking it veered in a totally different direction. I admit, when I heard what his solution was, I laughed out loud. Hope you all are enjoying good company and good food, wherever you are on the globe!**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 12 (December 1861)

"This is the worst named fort in the history of forts. Fort Pillow? It should be Fort Dirt and Sweat. _My_ sweat."

Johnny grunted as he threw another shovel full of dirt behind his shoulder. Then he leaned against the edge of the trench behind them and rubbed his back. His breath came out in little visible puffs. The earth was cold and hard. He would've been cold too if not for the backbreaking work they were currently engaged in. Kid snorted in agreement and then looked behind him.

"Shoot, pick up the shovel Johnny, Jones and Peterson are coming this way."

That was all they needed. Most of the other soldiers were decent fellows and Kid had no quarrel with anyone. The only problem were the two soldiers coming straight towards them. They were from Mobile, Alabama or "God's country" as they called it. As soon as they had caught wind that Kid and Johnny had joined up from Nebraska and Kansas, they had made it their mission to bring up this supposed inferiority every chance they got. It was like salt in the wound. More than once Kid had put his fists in his pockets and walked away so he wouldn't grab one of them by the collar and ask if they had any idea what he'd given up to fight for this cause and to keep their ignorant thoughts where they belonged, in their empty heads.

"Oh let them come, I am too tired for their bullshit today. "

Johnny wiped his brow with his sleeve, leaving a dirt smear. To add insult to injury these two were already in the coveted cavalry unit and the cavalry hadn't been assigned to digging the trenches.

"What do we have here? Two prairie dogs in their hole." Jones sneered as he tugged straight his clean jacket.

"Spose that's the only thing two Yank boys are good for, digging in the dirt."

Peterson added as he leaned over to look down at them. He scuffed the earth with his shoe and dirt and pebbles went flying onto their heads. Johnny growled and took at step forward, Kid grabbed his arm and answered them.

"Don't know if you have trouble with your hearing as well as your understanding, but I believe we've told you before we're from Virginia. Now why don't you just go on your way" Kid said between his teeth, he was quickly loosing patience. Peterson just smiled and licked his lips, he turned to Jones while still keeping his eyes on Kid and Johnny.

"Jones, how many Yanks do you think their mommas had to roll in the hay to get boys that ugly?"

"Maybe it weren't the Yanks, maybe theys the ugly ones" Peterson laughed harshly.

The gauntlet had been thrown down, Peterson and Jones backed up and waited for the fight they were itching for. Kid looked to Johnny and nodded. With one motion they both flung their shovels down and jumped out of the trench.

"If you want a beating so bad, alls you gotta do is ask."

Johnny pushed up his sleeves and cracked a kink out of his neck before settling in to a fighting stance. Kid just gave them a grim smile and motioned them forward with his hand. Peterson and Jones were not small men, and they had been in more than their fair share of fights, but the force of Kid and Johnny's punches still took them by surprise. Kid took Peterson. He landed a solid left hook and backed it up with a right jab to the gut. Peterson sprawled on the ground. Kid followed him down. Soon they were both kicking up dirt and leaves, fists flying. Jones connected a solid punch to Johnny's chin, his hand was still tingling as he looked at Johnny who barely shrugged. Johnny smiled crookedly.

"That's all you got Jones? Jeez, you're in trouble."

Johnny didn't have Kid's technical skill, but what he lacked in finesse he made up for in brute strength. A hard punch to the face, another to the man's chest and Jones was reeling. By this time they were starting to attract a crowd. Calls of "fight, fight!" echoed in the air. People started to egg them on. Kid felt oddly elated. Months of pent up frustration left his body through his fists. He almost felt bad for Peterson. Within minutes it was all over. Peterson and Jones were lying on the floor, trying to regain their feet and failing. Kid and Johnny accepted the congratulations from the other soldiers. Kid laughed as Johnny patted him on the back.

"Maybe you'll remember this next time you think of cursin our mommas. We ain't just from Virginia, we're from the wild west boys. We eat fools like you for breakfast out there and... oh hell, there's someone behind me, isn't there?"

Johnny noticed the crowd had grown totally silent during his little speech. Kid joined him as he turned around. It was Captain Mitchell and he was looking none too pleased. They both quickly stood at attention and saluted.

"Disperse immediately!" Mitchell shouted. "Peterson, Jones. Get out of here now! and you two" he motioned to Kid and Johnny, "follow me."

"Great, we're gonna get it now." Kid muttered under his breath.

"I know. Felt good though, didn't it?" Johnny quietly answered.

"Yeah, yeah it did." Kid had to agree.

"Quiet! You look like you've been rolling around in a pig pen and you smell worse. I have to bring you to the General. _Pretend_ you're soldiers."

"General Pillow?" Johnny's voice rose in surprise. Mitchell just shot him a glare.

"Who else? Or have you forgotten the General said he would use you for the 'procurement of supplies'?"

They hadn't forgotten. They had talked about it nearly every night for the past few weeks as they lay shivering in their chilly tent. They were helping build the fort as he had mentioned. Their aching bodies were a testament to that fact. They had been wondering if the General had forgotten all about them and his promise to transfer them to Virginia.

"And wipe the blood off your faces, good lord."

Mitchell tossed over his shoulder, they were almost to a large command tent. Kid felt the blood coming from the side of his mouth and dabbed at it with the edge of his sleeve. Johnny had a gash over his eyebrow, blood flowed freely down the side of his face. There was nothing to be done with that cut before they entered the tent.

"Privates McBride and Harris, Sir" Mitchell raised the flap of the tent and motioned them in, following behind them.

"My my boys, what sort of altercation led you to look like this? Surely you do not bleed from digging trenches."

"There was an accident Sir" Kid said quickly.

"You cannot believe me to be that simple." The general leaned back from his desk and appraised the two young men.

"It was an accident involving our mothers' honor Sir" Johnny amended.

"Ah, that I believe." The general stood up and moved around his desk.

"I received wonderful news today from the Confederate Congress. They have sent an official vote of thanks for my role in the Battle of Belmont." The general looked as puffed up as his name. He paused, clearly waiting for praise.

"It was a great victory for our cause Sir" Kid managed. Actually he had heard that this battle had been no more than a skirmish and the General's role had been inconsequential but there was no way he would open his mouth to say so.

"Indeed. Grant and his federals will soon see even more of our boys in Grey. Enough to send him right back to Illinois and his spirits." The General chuckled to himself. Then he turned his attention back to the dirty young men before him.

"Now I can't say I am pleased by your current state of appearance, but I will send you on my errand all the same. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be meeting with General Leonidas Polk and General Albert Johnston. There is a package that will be of utmost importance to this meeting. I would like you to bring this package from Bardstown, Kentucky back here by the twenty third of December. If you leave tomorrow, the tenth and are quick about it, you should be able to make it back in time. Of course, I will be most displeased if you are late."

Kid and Johnny looked at each other quickly in confusion. What could be in Kentucky? Mitchell however, hearing the specifics of this errand for the first time, knew and his frown deepened.

"I have a general area map to assist you on your journey and this box that you will give in return for the package. When you get close to Bardstown, ask for the family named Beam. They are well known in the area and will be giving you my package."

"We can leave at first light Sir" Kid answered taking the small wooden box from the General's offered hand. He wondered just what they were getting themselves into.

"Good, good. I suggest you stock supplies and find your civilian clothes. Kentucky has not yet officially joined the Confederacy, although we should hear news of it any day now. It will be better for you to not wear the uniform should you find yourself among the hostiles." The General made a move to usher them out the door but Johnny stopped.

"Excuse me Sir, but we don't have horses."

"I happen to know two cavalry men who have recently been in an accident and will not have use of their mounts for some time."

Mitchell's lips almost twitched into a smile under his moustache, but he quickly returned to his former serious expression. Kid and Johnny shifted uncomfortably. This was a new development, Mitchell offering assistance.

"Fine Mitchell, I trust you to see to it. Now if you don't mind, a letter to to Confederate Congress awaits me."

With a dismissive wave of his hand the General turned his back, Kid and Johnny already forgotten. Mitchell led them back out. The boys were looking at him with confused expressions.

"I watched the entire exchange between you two and Jones and Peterson. Find them insufferable myself. I will tell them that you will be using their horses. Now, get moving, you have much to prepare."

Johnny and Kid saluted and quickly walked towards their tents. Mitchell just shook his head at their retreating forms. At first he had been highly annoyed by both of them. He was sure he would never be able to play poker again uninterrupted, but the interruptions never came. The boys had shown good judgement and kept their mouths shut. He had watched them since then. They worked hard and were well liked by the men except for Jones and Peterson. As an Alabama boy himself, he found their conduct on behalf of his great state embarrassing. Truth be told he could see a bit of himself in Kid and Johnny. He was very much like them ten years before when he graduated West Point. He was a seasoned veteran now, but remembered how those early days felt.

He thought back to his first feelings of unease when General Pillow declared he had plans for the two young men. The feeling only increased now. Sending them to Bardstown was a fool's errand and spoke to the General's state of mind. Mitchell would be watching this situation closely.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure the map said to go over this ridge? There's barely a walking trail here." Kid shouted up to Johnny who was a few lengths ahead of him. Johnny reined up his horse and waited, he brushed aside a few low hanging branches out of his face and held out the map to Kid.<p>

"Well we have to do bout fifty miles a day, right? Ain't going to do that if we don't go as the crow flies. We need to go the most direct route. That would be over this ridge."

"Going as the crow flies isn't going to help if the crow flies over a cliff." Kid grabbed the map from Johnny's hand.

"We should be going further north, it's a bit out of the way, but the land is more open. It will be faster, we gotta back track."

Johnny looked to Kid like he wanted to argue, but finally just shrugged.

"Don't know how you're getting that from that map, but I'll go along, just so I can say 'I told you so'"

"Won't happen."

Kid grinned. They headed back down the ridge, towards the open fields. The trip had been going surprisingly well. Up to this point the weather held above freezing and the skies had been clear. They had crossed what they thought would be their biggest problem, the Tennessee River, without much trouble. They were on their fifth day of the trip and they had hardly seen a soul, except for the occasional farmer or towns person. No one seemed particularly interested in the two young men in nondescript clothes, travelling light and headed north. The best part though, were the horses. For what Jones and Peterson lacked in personality and common decency, they made up for by owning a pair of Morgans. These were true war horses. They were compact and fast with great endurance and seemed near unflappable. Kid's mount was a chestnut while Johnny had taken the slightly larger mount, a black. It still made Kid laugh to remember Jones and Peterson's shouts of outrage when they learned that Kid and Johnny were taking their horses on the General's orders. Only after Captain Mitchell threatened them with trench duty had they shut their mouths. Kid hadn't realized just how much he'd missed being on a horse. He felt more like himself than he had in months. The chestnut wasn't the same as Katy, but it still felt pretty damn good.

Days later and right on schedule they approached Bardstown, Kentucky. They were brimming over with curiosity and had been working on several theories as to what the mysterious package was and what the General would use it for. Johnny's latest idea was that they were picking up covert intelligence, the "family Beam" were spies and when they got back to the Fort, they would be hailed as heroes. Kid had his doubts but now that Johnny had latched on to this idea, he would not be persuaded otherwise. They came up to a wood bridge at the edge of town and crossed over, Johnny rode up to the first person they saw, and elderly man pulling along an even sadder looking mule.

"Excuse me Sir, I was wondering if you'd be willing to help us?" Johnny smiled and turned on his charm.

"Well now, I spose it would be dependin on what you be wantin" The old man eyed them warily.

"We just need to find the Beam place, we were told their establishment is near by." Kid added as he moved his horse next to Johnny.

"I should have guessed that's what you'd be after, seems that's what all young men care for nowadays and in such troubled times too, I tell you I don't know what this country is coming to." The old man muttered. Kid and Johnny could barely understand him, but it was clear he was irritated and they couldn't for the life of them figure out why.

"Sir, is there anything unusual about the Beam place?" Johnny asked.

"Unusual? Ha! I spose not. Now don't get your gander up, I'll tell you, I'll tell you. Theys just on the other end of town, maybe a mile. I hope you brought some burlap sacks with you. Can be might dangerous if peoples see you carrying Beam around, more e'en then flashin your coin."

Kid and Johnny didn't know what to say to that. Clearly the man was so elderly he was a bit touched. They waved and gave him thanks as they rode through town.

"You'd think the way that ol coot was talking, the Beam family packaged whores!" Johnny said in a loud whisper. Kid had to laugh at that. He could see Johnny was picturing it.

"Beautiful, travel sized whores! Ha!" Johnny was just winding up, he had more, but then he pulled his mount up short.

"Kid, does that say "The DM Beam and Company _Distillery?"_

Kid looked at the house with the building attached and willed it to go away.

"Aw hell!" Kid spat out the words.

"We've travelled almost a week, in the cold so Pillow can impress his cronies with booze?"

"Looks to be that way, yeah."

"Damnation!"

"Well, we can't just sit here, let's get this over with."

They knocked on the door and after a minute a man in maybe his late twenties answered. He had a kind face and warm eyes. He was much shorter than both Kid and Johnny and the pudginess of his mid section spoke to his comfortable place in life. He took in the disgruntled expressions of his two visitors with amused curiosity.

"Anything I can help you boys with?"

"Sir we've come all the way from a fort north of Memphis to buy some of your fine drink for our General" Johnny said, his voice dripping with disappointment. The man chuckled.

"Well, nice to see word of our brew has spread so far. I'm David, and you are?"

Kid answered for both of them.

"Privates McBride and Harris, Sir."

"Let's get you set then shall we? Why don't you come in?"

They sat down at David Beam's kitchen table. Kid took the wooden box out of his pocket.

"I believe this would be your payment." Kid said as he slid it across the table. David sat down and counted out the coin.

"This will buy your General four of my finest bottles of bourbon." David scooped up the money and disappeared into his back room. He came back with several burlap sacks, a bag of straw and the four bottles. He saw the question in their eyes and let out a little laugh.

"Trust me, from experience this is necessary. I'm going to pack two bottles per sack with straw so they don't break."

Johnny took one of the bottles and examined the label closely.

"What are you looking for there son?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe some secret code or something. You're not a Confederate spy are you?" Johnny asked hopefully. David threw back his head and laughed.

"Not even close. Sorry to disappoint you, this here distillery is as neutral as the Swiss. It ain't good for business to choose a side."

Kid took a quick look over at Johnny and saw from his expression that he was going to launch into an impassioned speech about states rights. It's amazing how he could nearly read his mind now. Even though they had only known each other for a few months, it felt like a lifetime. Kid cleared his throat and gave Johnny a subtle shake "no" of his head. David didn't miss any of it. He smiled at them.

"I can see how at your age, these things are very black and white and you've got it all figured out. I admire your conviction... but maybe once you live a little bit longer, you'll see all the shades of, um, grey."

Kid felt like he was already starting to see them. He saw them when he closed his eyes at night and the faces of Lou and his family back in Rock Creek filled his thoughts. He hadn't fired a single shot yet, but already his idealism that made him ride out so sure of his decisions was loosing it's luster.

"You're being real kind to us mister, it's just that, we came all this way, and our general wasn't real truthful to us bout the whys. I had built up some pretty brave notions." Johnny admitted.

"Here, I believe I can give you something for all your troubles." David left the room and came back with a smaller bottle.

"This here ain't the same fancy brew I gave your general, but it's one of my favorites and I'd like you to have it. You'll never know when it might come in handy." He saw they were about to protest.

"Won't hear any "no"s from you. I also have some stew, so I'll send you on your way with full bellies for the long trip back to, what Fort did you say you belong?"

"We didn't. It's Fort Pillow" Kid answered, wincing.

"Did you say... Pillow?" David was trying not to laugh.

"Yes, the brilliant General that sent us all over creation for drink is named Gideon Pillow, he's building our fort in his own honor." Johnny added with a little more 's mirth was contagious.

David couldn't help it. He started laughing in earnest then.

"Oh I'm sorry boys... Pillow. I hope that's not the last I hear of him."

In a little under an hour they were fed and their horses were tended to. They slung the unimpressive burlap sacks that disguised the treasure contained within over their saddles. They thanked David again and were on their way.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: First, I have to give MsSilenthorse a big thank you for knowing how to rope a longhorn. You're awesome! **

**This is the first half of a Kid chapter that got too long. The second half involves my first real action scene. Boy was I intimidated writing it. I'll post that tomorrow. This whole idea of Kid being sent on a life threatening errand for booze is actually taken from a real-life experience of my grandpa's. He was a B-17 pilot in WWII. He is a true hero and his adventures are worthy of his own book. Before he left for England he had pilot training stateside. He was ordered by one of his superiors to fly from one base to the other to get a case of whiskey. On the return trip he had to land in freezing rain. His windshield froze over. He had to open his window and stick his head out in order to land. As long as there have been men in power there have been men happy to abuse it. **

**Oh and yeah, Jim Beam. It's been around for a while, it just wasn't called Jim Beam until a few generations down the road. David ran the show during the Civil war... and in my head anyways, was a really nice guy! **


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 13

"Johnny stop! Shhh. Do you hear that? There's a rumbling in the distance. Like thunder." Kid drew his horse up next to his friend, and cocked his head to the side, straining to hear.

"There's not a cloud in the sky... well except for the smoke over there in the distance. Oh no, Kid. You don't think?..." Johnny trailed off, his face loosing a bit of it's ruddiness. "I knew we should've just taken the same way home that we took coming up here!"

"That stretch with the shale and the steep incline was tough on the horses, I thought this western route would be easier." Kid mumbled. Internally he was already cursing. What he assumed to be the sounds of battle were right in front of them, along the Green River. He had chosen this particular route because the map showed a bridge in the Rowlett's station area. It was the only crossing for miles.

"Well let's take a closer look and see what's going on" Kid said grimly. He had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Johnny could only nod.

It was about noon on December 17th, the second day of their return trip. The weather was perfect. They didn't even need their coats, it was such an unusually warm day. Johnny and Kid had rallied from the disappointment over the bourbon. Johnny had been strategizing how they could shave time off the return trip, it was part of the reason Kid had chosen to take this route. If they got home early, Johnny explained to Kid, it would show their skill, dedication and horsemanship. It would give the General another reason to keep his promise to them.

They cleared the trees at the top of the hill and looked over the valley below. They were both rendered speechless. There were remnants of a railroad bridge to the left of them. It was charred and smoldering. The metal rails in the middle sagged, broken. On the south side of the river they could see the battle. The Union soldiers were infantry units and looked to be outnumbered, but they held a good position on higher ground. The Confederate forces were represented by infantry and cavalry. They held behind a long stone wall, for the moment. The wood bridge that must have been there before was destroyed, in it's place was what looked to Kid to be a bridge floating on boats. Like someone took a row of canoes and put a wooden sidewalk on top of it. It had to be a pontoon bridge. He had heard some of the men back at the fort talking about these portable structures. Kid looked to the east then to the west. Both directions were heavily wooded, the narrowest point of the river laid right in front of them, the pontoon bridge the only way across. Kid took a deep breath.

"Well, what do you think?"

"I think that shale doesn't sound so bad right now."

"Be serious. What should we do?"

"I am serious." Johnny closed his eyes for a moment, then continued. "We don't have any options, you know that. We try and go around this thing, we are going to be late, maybe even by days."

"So the only way out is through." Kid knew this, but looked to Johnny for confirmation. If they were going to risk their lives, he wanted to know they were in agreement.

"Yes."

"We'll need to cross that bridge as fast as we can, full gallop. It's not very wide, so that part will be tricky and there are soldiers on the bridge guarding it too. Once we cross I say we break to the west. We gotta stay as far away from that battle as we can. We're not in uniform. If we're caught by the Union they could take us for spies. There is no prison camp for spies. I heard they execute em. The Confederate soldiers could shoot us too. They won't know which side we are on."

"Right, right." Johnny looked like he was going to be sick. "You got enough ammo? Course, don't know when we'd get a chance to reload... This is really happening, isn't it Kid? After all my fool talk." Kid just nodded in the affirmative.

"OK, you ready?"

"My horse is scared." Johnny said quietly

"Your what?"

"You heard me! My horse is scared! Give her a minute!" Johnny closed his eyes again and took a couple deep breaths. Kid heard Johnny whispering but he couldn't make out the words. Then he turned to Kid calmly, his jaw set, his eyes hard.

"Ok. Let's do this."

Kid felt his heart start to race, his palms were sweaty. He stared at his friend for a moment.

"I got your back Johnny."

"And I got yours."

Kid nodded. With one quick motion he dug his heels into the side of his mount's flank and let out a harsh yell. His horse immediately responded and leapt forward. Kid felt like he was falling down the hill. The trees, rocks, bushes passed in a blur. Johnny was right behind him, just as agile as Kid. He held his gun cocked in one hand, his horse's mane in the other. They reached the sand at the water's edge. The Union soldiers on the bridge whipped their heads around. It was now or never. Johnny flanked him slightly behind. They might be able to barrel through and push the soldiers right into the water. Two soldiers jumped off just before they reached them, but a younger soldier up ahead stood his ground. He screamed at them to halt. They just increased their speed. The boy in blue fumbled for his side arm. Kid took his six shooter and fired a warning shot at the soldier's feet. _'that's five' _Kid thought, keeping track of his bullets. He screamed,

"Move outta the way! I don't want to shoot you!"

Kid could see just how scared the boy was. He was blonde and skinny. He raised his gun and had Kid square in his sights. For the briefest of seconds Kid felt like he was staring at Cody. Kid shot again, meaning to hit the boy in the hand, maybe shoulder, but he was jolted by his horse.

"No!"

Kid screamed out in anguish._ 'Cody!' _His mind echoed. But it wasn't Cody. His shot had killed the boy instantly. They blazed past as the soldier's lifeless body splashed into the water. He heard shots behind them now and the soldiers on the other end of the bridge were running towards them. Kid shot again in their general direction. _'Three'_ Kid didn't even feel the tears that now flowed freely down his cheeks. Escape. They must escape.

"Right! We gotta go right. Now!"

"I got your back Kid, go! go!"

Johnny turned back, trusting his horse to follow Kid's and shot three rounds. He wounded at least one. They were entering the open field of battle. The Confederate cavalry soldiers were pushing their advantage, but the blue line held. It was loud, the gun smoke was thick. They could see the dead scattered, laying in heaps from the corner of their eyes. One of the Union soldiers chasing them found partial cover behind a tree, raised his revolver and took steady aim.

"Ahh!" Johnny jerked back in surprise. His arm suddenly felt like it was on fire. He looked at his left arm and saw red quickly staining his shirt. For the briefest of seconds he felt like he could faint. He pushed it away and rode harder. Kid heard his friend and whipped his head around in alarm.

"Johnny!"

"It's nothing. Keep going!"

Kid ignored him and let his mount fall slightly behind Johnny. '_Two_' Kid took aim at the blue form behind the tree, the bullet ricocheted off the bark. Kid allowed seconds to slow to eternity as he took aim again, waiting for his chance, his horse still galloping away. The soldier was partially exposed now. '_One_', he calmly pulled the trigger. He barely glanced at their wounded pursuer before rejoining Johnny's side.

They pushed their horses as hard as they could. Bullets still whizzing around their heads as they crouched low. They rode like the wind as the sounds of battle grew faint, they rode until they couldn't hear it at all anymore. They crashed through the woods and kept going. Finally after a long while the adrenaline slowed its pounding in their veins. They came to a brook shadowed by heavy woods. They slid off their horses and staggered to lean against the trees while their horses, glistening with sweat and frothing at the mouths, drank greedily.

"You're hurt!" Kid gasped, exhausted.

"It smarts like the devil." Johnny winced as he slid down the tree. "Don't think it's bleedin too bad."

Johnny dared to peek at his arm, but quickly looked away when he saw the blood dripping off his fingers. Kid went to his satchel to grab supplies, but suddenly felt hot and dizzy. His throat tightened. His was going to vomit. He quickly ran behind a bush and emptied his stomach. He finished retching and rinsed his mouth with water from the stream and refilled his canteen. He had shot men before, shot them dead even, but no previous experience shook him to the core like killing the boy in blue on the bridge. The boy that could've been Cody. He felt the bile in the back of his throat again and angrily ordered his thoughts away, his friend needed him.

"You're not going girly on me, are ya Kid?" Johnny tried to smile and then winced again. Kid shot him a quick glare and sat down next to him, rummaging in his satchel. He found what he was looking for.

"We're needing this sooner than I thought."

Kid set down their gift bottle of bourbon and took out a knife. He tore away Johnny's shirt sleeve and ripped it into a few strips. Then he poured the water from his canteen over the wound, rinsing the blood away. Kid held Johnny's arm and examined the wound.

"It's not bad, but the bullet didn't pass through." He looked closely. "I think I could get it."

"Like hell you are." Johnny said through gritted teeth.

"You know I have to do it."

"Fine. Give me the bourbon." Kid opened the bottle and passed it to Johnny's shaking hand. Johnny tilted his head back and took a big swig, coughing and sputtering when he was finished.

"Ok. I'm going to do this fast. Not gonna drag it out for you."

Johnny gave a barely perceptible nod of his head and squeezed his eyes shut. Kid took out his knife and pushed into the flesh. He hit the bullet and twisted the knife slightly to push it out. Kid let out his breath with a whoosh.

"It's done."

Kid looked with surprise at his friend, Johnny had barely made a sound. Then he saw the blood trickling from his lip. He had nearly bit clean through. Kid took one of the bandages and handed it to Johnny.

"Hold this on there to stop the bleeding. You're not done yet..." He gave their current position a once over. "I think I can risk it, I'm going to make a small fire. Pour some bourbon on that wound while you wait."

Soon Kid had his kindling spark to life, followed by a decent flame. He started to heat his knife.

"Kid? What the hell are you doing over there? I know you are not planning on poking me with that thing again... Kid?" Johnny pushed himself against the tree and looked wildly at the knife approaching him.

"If I sear the wound it will stop the bleeding. I've got to do it Johnny. You know I don't want to. Just don't look ok? Think bout that girl you were telling me about, the one back in Kansas? What was her name, Moira?"

Johnny looked away and closed his eyes again.

"Moira Wallace. From the farm down the road. Irish lass, hair's bout as red as mine. Eyes blue like cornflower. She's all spit and vinegar, why at the last dance, she stomped off in a huff just cause I took pity on poor, cross eyed Matilda and danced just one measly... augh! That hurt, Kid!" Johnny could smell his own burning flesh and felt like he was going to be sick.

Kid quickly started to to wrap a bandage snugly around Johnny's arm.

"Oh quit your whining. You're going to be as good as new now."

* * *

><p>The next two days passed in misery. The weather remembered that it was December and unleashed winds and freezing rains. They were soaked to the bone, still pushing their horses as fast as they dared, riding even after sunset. Kid was starting to worry about Johnny though. His friend insisted on the grueling pace, but had barely spoken all day and looked pale. They needed to stop for the night and get out of the elements. They were traveling alongside some bluffs, Kid peered into the inky light of twilight to see if there was any natural overhang under which they could find shelter. Then he blinked in surprise. It couldn't be. Their luck had been so rotten, it couldn't change just now. His eyes were not deceiving him however, up ahead was the mouth of a large cave. The opening was wide and tall. There would be more than enough room for their horses and a good sized fire. Inside the cave was plenty of brush dry and waiting to be used as kindling.<p>

"You won't believe this, but there's a cave just up ahead to our left. We gotta stop for the night." Kid yelled to Johnny as he fell back and waited for his friend.

"I should say that we keep going, make up more time, but I'm not going to. I'm beat."

They quickly set up camp, Kid let the horses roam just outside the cave on a lead to graze, he'd pull them inside in a bit. Soon there was a roaring fire and clothes laid out to dry. The bedrolls were damp but serviceable.

"If I never eat pemmican again it will be too soon." Johnny groused and he slowly chewed the fat and berry traveling rations. "It takes all the fun out of eating. I mean, I'm starvin and I can barely choke it down."

"I have some soda crackers." Kid tossed one towards Johnny. Johnny bit into it and chewed.

"Not sure this is much of an improvement."

Kid just rolled his eyes.

"At least you're alive." Then he looked over at Johnny closely. "You're not feeling feverish or anything are you? Cause I don't have the supplies to make any teas or anything like that."

"Well other than my whole arm hurtin like hells fire and being tired and soaking wet and hungry, I feel fine." Johnny scrunched up his nose and looked at Kid with an odd expression on his face.

"I've been meaning to ask you, how'd you know what to do with this bullet hole? and now you're talkin bout healing teas, I wouldn't even know where to start. Would probably pick some poison leaf and kill whoever I was trying to help."

"Well back h... in Rock Creek " Kid winced at his near slip "when I was ridin for the Express I got shot a few times, my friends too, we all took turns gettin banged up. So much so that the doc in town just thew up his hands and told us how to dress wounds in the field. Think he figured he'd be less busy that way... and the tea, well whenever we'd have a fever or an ache Buck would make up a willow bark tea. Tasted awful, but it would help."

"You got shot? More than once? Weren't you just delivering mail?" Johnny asked incredulously. Kid just laughed.

"Yep, delivered mail among other things. Teaspoon, the station master was also the Marshall. We got deputized quite a bit. Transported prisoners, went after outlaws, that sort of thing." Kid said like it was no big deal.

"You know, when we beat up Jones and Peterson, I bragged we was from the wild west, but mostly I just farmed." Johnny grumbled.

"Believe me, there were many times all of us wished we were farming instead. A few of them are ranching now."

"Including Louise?" Johnny didn't want to push it but he was curious about Kid's life before he joined. He knew Kid had been briefly married, but he barely spoke about her or anyone he had left in Nebraska. He knew Kid missed them though. He could see it in Kid's eyes every time there was mail call and he'd get a letter from his ma or from Moira and Kid would get nothing.

"I spect so. She was planning on bringing her brother and sister from an orphanage and working with Teaspoon and Buck to get the ranch going when I left." Kid said softly.

"She's out there on a ranch with the half breed? I'm sorry Kid, I know he's a good friend and all, but that just ain't proper."

"He's family to her Johnny. Sides what she does with her life ain't my business anymore."

"I can't figure it. From what you've told of her, she seems like a one of a kind gal and she had the sense to marry you, good man that you are. How she could love the Yanks more than you just beats all."

"Every belief we have about the rightness of this war, she believes the opposite. It was so strong in her she couldn't see it any other way." Kid dared to glance at Johnny and saw the astonishment and pity in his eyes.

"It's my past Johnny. I like to keep it there. My future is Virginia, helpin with the family plantation. That's home, not Nebraska." Kid said to convince himself as much as Johnny.

"Well if she's such a happy Yank lover, you're better off without her." Johnny said firmly, trying to be helpful.

"Spose so. You should try and get some sleep. I'll go bring in the horses."

Kid got up quickly as Johnny just nodded and settled himself in. He was asleep in moments. Sleep did not visit Kid until much later. The door in his mind to Lou and his friends held tightly shut most days. Now it was cracked open, cold air creeping in from behind it, chilling his soul, wrapping him in loneliness. He couldn't shake the feeling he had killed Cody, even though he was sure Cody was safe and sound hundreds of miles from him. That boy had done nothing against him except try and defend a bridge as was his duty. When he had talked to Johnny about his feelings of guilt, Johnny had blithely said Kid had to shoot him, because the boy was shooting at Kid. It was nearly the same conversation he'd had with Cody months before. It seemed much more senseless now that he had actually lived it. And Lou. He missed her now more than ever, but even in his weakest moments he still felt he had made the right decision. So why did he feel so abandoned just now and why did he feel like he had abandoned her?

* * *

><p>It was the twenty third. Fort Pillow was on the hill just up ahead. It was nearly dusk and the evening air was chilling them to the bone but they had made it. Their horses were going to need a good feeding and brush down but they were in decent shape. Johnny and Kid on the other hand were dirty, smelly and in need of a good, hot meal and a warm bed. The odds weren't looking good to get clean or truly warm any time soon though. There was a fine dusting of snow covering the camp. Men were huddled by fires at their entry ways, wrapped in their blankets. Coffee was scarce, men made brews of roasted beets or cornmeal, anything to have something hot to warm their bellies and warm their hands. Kid could hear a soldier playing a familiar tune on his guitar, after listening to if for a moment he could tell it was "It came upon a Midnight Clear." They had been so busy rushing, riding, dodging bullets and freezing on this trip Kid had forgotten just how close it was to Christmas.<p>

"The General's Tent." Johnny nodded to their right. "He better be happy."

"Let's hope so."

They got closer and looked at each other in alarm. They could hear arguing from inside the tent.

"Pompous Ass! How dare you question my judgement! Recall my victories in the Mexican War!"

"Victories of your own imagining Pillow! There are still rumors of how you hid behind a tree. No matter how many painters you pay to put your brigade at the center, defeating the Mexicans, there are still those of us who know the truth!"

"Sirs please, let us have peace tonight."

"No Johnston, I will not sit by and allow him to besmirch my good name!"

"Ha! Your good name! Your name would be nothing if it not for your friends in high places. I mean to tell President Davis next time I see him."

"The audacity! You speak the words of a jealous man!"

"Polk, Pillow stand down. I outrank both of you..."

Kid looked to Johnny in horror.

"We can't go in there, Not with all that going on!"

"Oh no, we did not go all that way, to not meet our deadline. I mean to give that bastard his bourbon" Johnny hissed.

He dismounted and grabbed one of the burlap sacks and then the second sack off of Kid's horse. Kid dismounted too, but could barely move from his sense of dread. This was not going to go well. They opened the flaps of the tent. General Pillow whipped his head around, his eyes ablaze. The two other men of about the same age and demeanor as the General turned to follow his gaze.

"Who dares to interrupt this meeting?"

Kid and Johnny stepped out of the shadows.

"It's Privates McBride and Harris Sir. We have completed your errand. Here are your supplies." Johnny said as he put the sacks on the General's desk.

"You are late!" The General positively seethed.

"Sir? It's the twenty third. You told us the twenty third. We made it back in time." Kid said in disbelief.

"I expected you _hours_ ago, at the beginning of this very meeting that you have just now interrupted. Endeavour to improve next time. Now, you may take your leave." The General walked them back to the entrance of the tent and with a shove they were back out in the night air.

"I've a mind not to give this to you Polk! You wouldn't know a good bourbon if it bit you on your arse!" The Generals continued to argue.

Kid and Johnny just stared at each other, then slowly made their way back to the horses.

"Did that just happen?" Johnny shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.

"I can't believe it either. It's like a bad dream." Kid answered.

"We rode day and night, we galloped through a battle, you had to kill someone. I got shot in the arm. The weather was terrible. We get here on the twenty third and we're _late_?" Johnny's voice was growing louder.

Kid looked behind them but they were far enough away from the tent to speak freely.

"I'm more concerned about what he said about a 'next time', I never want there to be a next time!" Kid growled.

Johnny stopped in his tracks, he looked to Kid with what may have been the most serious expression he had ever seen on Johnny's face.

"That is _it_, Kid. That man ain't good for our health. We need to get out from under his thumb."

Kid couldn't help but grin as a thought occurred to him. "Should we overthrow the Pillow?"

"Deflate it at least." Johnny's mouth twitched into a smile.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The battle Kid and Johnny rode through was the battle of Rowlett's Station, fought on Dec 17, 1861 on the Green River in Kentucky. It was inconclusive.**

**There are reports that General Pillow hid behind trees. It's also true that he had an official painting altered to show his men key to a battle's victory. ****But this is my favorite find, from his wiki page: **

**Pillow was "amaible and possessed of some acuteness, but the only person I have ever known who was wholly indifferent in the choice between truth and falsehood, honesty and dishonesty:—ever as ready to attain and end by the one as the other, and habitually boastful of acts of cleverness at the total sacrifice of moral character."**

**Poor Kid and Johnny. Next is a Jimmy chapter (yea!) with Rosemary (boo!), Are you ready J?**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 14 (December 1861)

"Mmmm, Yes. More James... Oh how I need you" Rosemary gasped.

Jimmy looked down at her. Her face was flushed and her hair a loose, dark halo on her pillow. She squeezed her eyes shut and bit her lip. Jimmy smiled and leaned down to kiss her. Unashamedly this was his favorite part of his relationship with Rosemary. This is when she would let her control go and allow him to be her man. Moments later they were both spent. He had rolled over and Rosemary leaned in to him, wrapping her arm and leg around him. She made murmuring sounds of appreciation as her breathing slowed. She was warm and soft to him just then, she'd give him a smile that reached her eyes. But inevitably just like every other time, he could count the seconds till this Rosemary went away and the other returned. She stretched.

"That was very nice James" She patted his cheek and got out of bed to wash.

Jimmy put his clothes back on and watched her naked form disappear quickly into her nightgown. Then she turned the lantern completely down and came back to bed. She mumbled goodnight, her back to him. Minutes later she was asleep. Jimmy lay there, his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling of his sister's second bedroom. They were staying there briefly, but would probably be leaving soon. They were constantly moving. There was always some danger, real or perceived and they never stayed in one place too long. It would be Christmas soon. Jimmy had originally thought they could lay low with Celinda and Nathan and his round and happy four month old nephew, but after only two days, Rosemary was talking about moving on, taking Nathan with them.

Nathan Smith was a good man. He loved Jimmy's sister and little Butler was the apple of his eye. Jimmy couldn't figure what gave Rosemary the right, saying they should take him deep into Missouri, right where the action was thickest. It disturbed him so much he gave up all hope of sleeping just then. He sat up and watched Rosemary sleep, curled into a tight little ball on her side of the bed. The moonlight brushed her face. She looked so peaceful, girlish. In the day time her eyes were always fire, she ate, slept, drank the cause... but then there was this beautiful woman underneath it all. Vulnerable, soft, unsure... and he cared deeply for that woman.

"Rosemary" Jimmy whispered. He lightly rubbed her shoulder. She didn't move. "Rosemary!" He said a little harsher, using more pressure on her arm. "Wake up."

She grunted and swatted his hand away, then she turned to him, gathering the material of her nightgown to her chest and struggled to open her eyes.

"What is it James? Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, I couldn't sleep."

"That's it? You woke me up from a fine sleep, to tell me you couldn't?" She glared at him, eyebrows furrowed, lips forming a pout. Jimmy chuckled at her expression.

"No, I woke you up cause I wanted to talk to you. It's not that late yet. You'll still be able to sleep. I got some things on my mind and I don't want to wait till mornin." He had her attention now.

She sat up and leaned over to relight the lantern. She turned it down low so her eyes could adjust and scooted over to be closer to him.

"What is it James? Is there news on Quantrill's men?"

"No, it don't have nothing to do with that. I want to talk Christmas with you Rosemary."

She let out a short little laugh, and leaned forward and patted his leg.

"Christmas? I hadn't given it much thought, the Cause doesn't take a vacation James."

Jimmy frowned and tried to stay patient.

"Yeah well you need one Rosemary. You run yourself ragged with the traveling and the raids. That last one into Missouri was bad news. The bullet hole in your hat... Doesn't that mean anything to you? That maybe you should take a break? Lay low? There is always going to be one more raid. It don't have to be tomorrow, the next day or even this month. We could have Christmas here with Celinda, Nathan and little Butler. It's the babe's first Christmas, we could celebrate it together as a family."

"James I mean to leave here in two days to go meet our brothers in arms in Missouri, as we planned. Nathan is more welcome to come with us, but we will not stay here."

"Hold up Rosemary. What is this "we". I ain't told you I'm riding out with you yet."

"Excuse me?" Rosemary was fully alert now. She jumped off the bed and hurried around to Jimmy's side of the bed, standing in front of him in full warrior mode, hands on hips.

"What exactly does that mean James?" Jimmy took in the sight before him. Rosemary was furious, eyes flashing, hair a mess, acting like she was queen of the world. Damned if he didn't find her beautiful. He stood up next to her.

"I don't want to get into some big knock down, drag out fight with you Rosemary. I just want to have Christmas with you. Is that so hard to believe? That I'd want to spend the holiday with the woman I care for?"

She stared at him, her eyes softened.

"Oh."

"I would like to spend a few days here with Celinda and her family first and celebrate an early Christmas. Then I'd like us to go visit my family in Rock Creek at the ranch."

"Rock Creek?" Her eyes shot up to his, her voice almost a shriek.

"You did say you would come and visit with me sometime." Jimmy said softly. He put his hands on her shoulders to try and calm her.

"I just said that to be nice to Louise! I spent more than a month waiting for you in that town. I don't want to go back this soon, just for Christmas! There are more important things going on right now in this fight for both you and I to go waste more time back in Rock Creek! We're needed in Missouri!" She reached up and shoved Jimmy's hands off her shoulders.

"So that's what you think about your time in Rock Creek? A waste?"

"I was there for you, and you only!"

They were nearly shouting by now. Jimmy could hear voices in the hall, little Butler was crying. Footsteps moving quickly to their door. Celinda cracked it open. Jimmy could see her disheveled long blonde hair and her shawl thrown over her shoulders in haste. On her hip was Butler, winding up to let out another shriek. His adorable face was wet with tears, his cheeks pink from crying.

"I may be able to tolerate this livin in sin, as I don't have to stand in front of my maker to answer for it, but you will have to answer to me, if you wake up my sweet baby again with another one of your fights. So help me, judgement day will look merciful in comparison" Celinda hissed as she shot them both her angriest look.

She saw Jimmy's sheepish expression and just sighed and slammed the door, taking her upset son with her.  
>Jimmy looked at Rosemary and felt angry all over again. She barely looked contrite. She may be quiet now, but he could see the stubbornness setting in. Jimmy sat on the bed and pulled her down next to him and held her hands.<p>

"I ride with you Rosemary because I believe the same things you do and cause I feel for you, but don't for a second think that you pull my strings. You ain't controlling me. I mean to stay here to have some Christmas with Celinda and her family, then I'm heading out for Rock Creek. I'd like it if you'd ride with me, but if you don't, I'm going anyway."

Rosemary's whole demeanor changed. Tears shone in her eyes. She leaned in and rubbed his arms.

"You would leave me James? I don't like us to be apart, even for a day. Stay... and ride with me." She whispered into his ear. He closed his eyes, starting to feel lost in her touch. _'Oh hell_' he thought, he quickly stood up and growled at her.

"Not this time Rosemary. Your body ain't gonna make me change my mind."

"How dare you! You imply that I'm a whore?" She leapt to her feet, her hand in mid air to strike his face.

Jimmy caught her wrist instantly. Then he said with deceptive calm.

"No, I mean to say I'm not _your_ whore."

She gasped. She had a wild look in her eyes.

"You will come back to me James? After your visit? You will know how to find me in Missouri?"

"I'll try."

"No. There is no try. I need you to come to me James." She walked closer to him, and put her hands under his shirt, rubbing his chest, his back. She nuzzled into his neck. With her free hand she started to undo the buttons of her nightgown. Jimmy tried to find thought under the haze of her assault on his senses.

"What are you doing Rosemary?" He said through gritted teeth.

" Wild Bill, I'd like you to make love to me, and not gently either." Her eyes were burning ember, heating him to his core.

"You know I ain't Wild Bill, you know I hate people thinkin that's who I am" Jimmy tried to back away. She was confusing him.

"Oh I know that. I don't want the Wild Bill out there with people shooting at you, I want Wild Bill here, in my bed. I feel you, you know. Feel your power. Feel your animal instincts that have kept you alive thus far. You are all man. Show me James... show me Wild Bill, give me a night neither of us forget... so you will always come back to me."

Her hands were everywhere, making it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. He did know that if she wanted more than her gentle lover James, that she wanted the power of Wild Bill, she was going to get it. He grabbed her and carried her back to the bed and tossed her down. He almost felt sorry for little Butler as he leaned in to show her just what a wild night they could have.

* * *

><p>A few days later Jimmy was on his Palomino headed northwest to Rock Creek. With the icy wind in his face he was already regretting his decision as the sight of Leavenworth, Kansas retreated from view. It was going to be a long, hard ride alone in weather that traded rain for snow then back to rain again. Rosemary was on her way into Missouri with a few others from their group, but he had managed to persuade her to leave Nathan well enough alone.<p>

They had spent a few peaceful days as a family. After their night together; an experience Jimmy couldn't think about without feeling hot, Rosemary had been nothing but sweetness. Hell, she had been acting damn near submissive. It was an attitude switch that left Jimmy feeling uneasy, but he didn't examine it too closely. He was just thankful for the easy time with his sister that Rosemary's willingness to participate afforded. Even Celinda had noticed the change as Rosemary doted on Jimmy, asking what in the world had gotten into her, but Jimmy just shrugged. Celinda had made him a thick, dark blue knitted scarf and some knitted socks to match. He had chuckled a bit at the gift, knowing how little his sister liked to knit but as he wrapped the scarf around his face and wiggled his warm toes, he was thankful. Jimmy had given the baby a baseball bat and glove. His sister had just raised her eyebrows at that, but Nathan had laughed and said that once he and Jimmy figured out how to master the fool game, it was something that Butler would need to know how to play.

Jimmy hadn't known what to get Rosemary. She wasn't really interested in the usual womanly baubles. He had gotten her a few books instead, books he knew she'd like. Thoreau's essays on Civil Disobedience and Frederick Douglass' autobiography My Bondage and My Freedom. He knew she had read both of them, but she had never owned her very own copy. Rosemary had given him his gift while they were still wrapped in each others arms that very morning.

"James?"

"Mmm?" He said sleepily from her shoulder.

"Your Christmas gift to me was absolutely perfect my love, I couldn't have asked for better."

"Glad you liked em" He gave her cheek a quick peck.

"I wanted to give you yours now, before you leave this morning." She leaned over to the end table and opened the drawer. She grabbed something small that Jimmy couldn't make out. He tried to take it from her but she wouldn't let him, she laughed and batted her lashes.

"Behave James and I'll give it to you... now close your eyes and hold out your hand."

He looked at her skeptically, with one eye open.

"James, a little trust please. I don't keep snakes or spiders in my drawers."

"Oh alright." He gave her an exaggerated frown and put his hand under her closed fist. She placed the gift in his palm.

"Now you can open your eyes."

Jimmy blinked. He was holding a silver locket. He looked at her questioningly and opened it. A lock of her hair fell out revealing a small Daguerreotype of her, almost in profile. It was a beautiful portrait. He held the hair between his fingers and gently placed the curl back in the locket and snapped it shut.

"It's a beautiful gift, just like you" He said as he leaned over to kiss her forehead.

"I wanted you to have a piece of me, even when we're apart." She paused and then gently placed both of her hands lightly on the sides of his face. "I love you James Hickok. I don't know what I would ever do without you. Promise me, after you are done with your visit to Rock Creek, you will come back to me." She kissed him then, letting him feel her emotion.

"Promise me." She breathed again, against his ear. He gathered her up in his arms and held her, he breathed in her sweet scent and ran his fingers through her hair.

"Course Sugar, I promise." He smiled as she proceeded to thank him.

He fingered the locket in his coat pocket as he thought of her. He couldn't quite figure her out. She was hot then cold. Volatile, then peaceful as a summer's breeze. It was never easy but it was always intriguing and of course there was the Cause that bound them together. Some things were bigger than any two people.

* * *

><p>After three days on the trail Jimmy was almost to Rock Creek. It was the twenty third. He was starting to feel a bit nervous, he hadn't received more than one letter since he left over two months ago. Teaspoon had written briefly and said the building of the ranch was going well and that they were making plans to go get the cattle soon. They may have written more, but he doubted he had stayed in one place long enough for mail to find him. Now that he was so close his heart turned to "home". He had a lot of questions. How was Amanda settling in. Had Cody managed to get himself kicked out of the army yet. How was it going with Lou and her siblings. And Buck. He wondered about Buck most of all. He felt a twinge of guilt. He knew how much his friend had on his shoulders, it felt wrong not to help him carry it. He'd be able to help for a time at least, he told himself to ease his conscience.<p>

Finally, in the light of the setting sun he saw the ranch before him. There had never been a more beautiful ramshackle building. There was smoke billowing from the chimney, the windows were all lit up and frosted, he could see motion inside. He quietly brought his horse into the barn, hoping he'd be able to quickly stable his horse before the others heard him. He had just finished putting feed out and throwing a blanket over his horse when he heard his name.

"Jimmy? Jimmy Hickok, I was hoping it was you!" Lou squealed. He turned around just in time to catch her as she ran straight for him.

"The others didn't believe me when I said I heard a rider... Oh I suppose Buck did, but he probably heard your horse and knew it was you and thought it'd be fun to have me find you... I can't believe you're here!" She gave him another hard squeeze. "We weren't expecting you! You sent no word. I mean I hoped you'd come... where's Rosemary?" She looked around the barn expecting her to appear like some phantom. Jimmy just laughed and hugged her back.

"She's in Missouri. I came by myself. Now let me look at you, Lou! Ain't you freezin?"

"I got too excited to grab my coat." She smiled sheepishly.

Jimmy held her out at arms length and looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. Her hair was now long enough for a braid and she was wearing a loose fitting dress, and her form; she looked curvier than he remembered, in fact, when he had hugged her...

"Lou?"

Very slowly he reached out his hand towards her stomach. She caught his hand before he touched her.

"I have some news to tell you Jimmy."

Her eyes flitted to the ground for a second before meeting his gaze squarely. Jimmy knew what she was going to say and his heart sunk, he had a fleeting thought that perhaps Buck... but immediately he chastised himself, that went against everything he knew about his friend and she was too big for that anyway. So that could only mean... Lou read Jimmy's eyes and sighed.

"Doc says I'm bout five months along. Guess Katy isn't the only thing Kid left behind." Lou let out a shaky laugh, telling a joke that was now old to her as she pointed to Katy, stabled a few yards from where they were standing.

"How in the world did Kid's horse get here? Oh never mind that, you're pregnant? Lou are you OK? Do you feel alright? You're crazier than a loon to be standing here in this cold! We need to get you inside."

Lou just shook her head and stood her ground, even though she was shivering.

"Oh now don't you start too Jimmy! I've got a hen house full of mommas in there with Rachel and Amanda, Theresa, hell even Jeremiah and Teaspoon sometimes! I've even caught Janusz tryin to hover over me on occasion. The only one that still thinks I can do much of anything is Buck and for a while that weren't even the case... course I did give him a pretty good scare, he hasn't treated me exactly the same since then."

Jimmy could barely make out the last few muttered words.

"Wait. Scare? Just what exactly have I been missin around here?" Jimmy said with alarm, his hands went to his hips. Lou winced.

"Oh lots and lots has happened. Not all of it bad, I promise! Why don't we go inside so we can fill you in... uh, just remember how Teaspoon likes to exaggerate." She said as she looped her arm in his and lead him to the house.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So Jimmy and Rosemary, putting the "fun" in dysfunctional. Not really. Actually the two songs I wrote this bit to are Eminem/Rhianna Love the way you Lie and Jack White's U2 cover of Love is Blindness (probably the best cover ever. You should check it out). BUT! Fun Christmasy warm fuzzies are ahead, including sappiest scene I have ever written. I dove right into the sappy and I loved every minute of it. **


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 15

The next few moments were so full of chaotic joy Jimmy could hardly process it all. He got slapped in the back by Teaspoon, who called him "son" several times. Rachel squeezed him declaring she already had her Christmas gift and Buck had put his arm around his shoulders, asking him what had taken him so long. It felt so good, the chill from the outside instantly left his body, leaving him warm from his head to his toes. Jimmy looked around at the rest of the faces giving him greeting. Theresa hung behind Lou, giving him a shy smile, Jeremiah stood by Buck, trying his best to look tough. Just like Jesse, Jimmy thought and frowned slightly although he could see Jeremiah was a good kid. Amanda and Janusz were there too. He received a hug from Amanda and a handshake from Janusz. The blacksmith's presence surprised him slightly till he saw the quick looks he and Amanda exchanged. Interesting development, Jimmy couldn't help but smile.

"Where's Cody? It ain't like him to miss a get together"

"He's probably off pouting, he pulled the short straw for guard duty tonight. But he should be round tomorrow and the day after." Rachel answered as she took Jimmy's coat.

"Henry Lewis will be comin in tomorrow too. He's been a big help here with the ranch and he ain't got any kin nearby, so he's having Christmas with us. We're going to have us a full house, all the better now that you're here." Teaspoon motioned Jimmy to sit with him at the table as Amanda set him out some supper leftovers. She gave him a big smile and went back to the kitchen with Rachel.

"So anyone want to explain what alls been going on round here, what this big scare was... Lou." Jimmy looked over at Lou as she sat across from him, she looked annoyed but he wasn't going to let her off the hook.

"Louise almost _died_!" Theresa piped up as sat down next to her sister. Jimmy almost dropped his fork. Lou just rolled her eyes.

"I did not! I just got really, really sick coming back from Abilene when we got the cattle. I found out I was uh, carrying when we got back and the doc saw me." She really did not want to rehash all this with everyone around, although her audience was smaller with the other women in the kitchen and Janusz playing his guitar, showing basic chords to Jeremiah over by the fire. Remembering her close call was likely to get at least Buck and Teaspoon agitated all over again. Buck sat down next to Jimmy. He gave Jimmy a guilty look.

"She never should've made the trip Jimmy, I still feel like I pushed the pace too hard, the weather was miserable and Lou just got wore out."

"_Lou_ helped set that pace" Lou said irritated that they were talking about her like she wasn't sitting right across from him. "Sides, you took really good care of me. I got better cause of you." Her voice instantly softened. "He stayed by my side when I was near out of my mind with fever, making me drink foul smelling teas, not letting me slip away. Think he's near as stubborn as you Jimmy."

Jimmy took in the sight of his two friends. Lou's eyes were bright with emotion as she reached her hand across the table to Buck. Buck slid his hand over to hers and allowed her to give it a brief squeeze. His eyes met hers for a moment and then he dropped his gaze back to the table. Jimmy was going to make damn sure he talked to Buck alone later. There was a lot going on in his friend's mind and he was going to make sure he got some of it out.

"and you and the baby are alright now?" He got a nod of affirmation from Lou. "I think thanks are in order Buck, for keepin this runt around so she can drive us all to distraction for years to come... and Lord help us all when this child is born." Lou smiled but she paled a bit, worry clouding her eyes. Jimmy was about to open his mouth again when Teaspoon gave him a warning look.

"Now Louise my dear, you are going to make a fine ma, you don't need to stew over that. You got enough love in that heart of yours to fill an ocean and you're already doing a fine job with Theresa here and Jeremiah. Sides you gots all of us and we're gonna love this babe to bits."

Jimmy felt like the biggest heel. He should've kept his big mouth shut.

"Aw Lou, of course. I may love to tease you, cause you're so fun to tease, but any fool with eyes could see what a wonderful mother you're going to make."

"Thanks Jimmy, that means a lot. I mean I don't think I'll be terrible at it, but sometimes the worry grips me and I can't think bout nothin else. Teaspoon, expert on women that he is, tells me this is normal." Lou let out a short laugh as she elbowed Teaspoon, who tried to look wounded.

"I'm an expert on lots of things Lou, just less of an expert with women."

"Amen to that." Rachel called from the kitchen. Lou started to giggle and Jimmy and Buck grinned, this was going to be good.

"Now woman, I don't recollect any complaints from you" Teaspoon stood up and sauntered into the kitchen. He put an arm around Rachel's waist and kissed her cheek.

"Well course not, darlin... not to your face least ways." She gave him an impish grin, then shrieked as he let out a growl and chased her around the kitchen. Amanda jumped out of the way, laughing. Rachel tried to fend him off with a wet dish cloth, but he would not be deterred until her grabbed her and gave her a big kiss.

"Oh Eww!" Theresa exclaimed. "Kissy stuff!"

Teaspoon turned to face the girl and smiled.

"Miss Theresa I surely hope you find kissy stuff unappealing for years to come!" Then he walked over and made an exaggerated 'mwah' sound as he planted a big kiss on her forehead.

"Alright, let's start getting that scraggly excuse for a tree decorated." Rachel said, drying her hands on her apron.

"Oh! I'll get the decorations I've been collecting!" Theresa jumped up from the table.

Jimmy watched the scene unfold as he finished his dinner and drank his coffee. Theresa and Lou put up pine cones and handmade straw angels on what was admittedly a sad excuse for a tree. Amanda hung strings of popcorn and berries. Even Jeremiah, after some reluctance helped out and placed a few paper snowflakes on the tree. Buck put on the finishing touch by placing a tin star on the very top. Jimmy thought Janusz must've made it in his shop. Janusz was strumming away on his guitar, it was probably a Christmas carol, but Jimmy had never heard it before.

"What is that tune Janusz?" Jimmy asked as he walked over to the fire and sat down near it, stretching out his long legs. Janusz took a moment to answer, he had a faraway look in his eyes, he blinked a few times as if coming back to them from a long distance. He saw he had the attention of most of the room and looked a bit embarrassed.

"It is Christmas song my father taught me when I was boy in Szczecin. That is town in north Polska... Poland. It is called 'Gdy śliczna panna', it is "Cradle Song" in English. I do not have voice to sing, but I will tell you words.

'As lovely maiden cradle her dear Child,

She rock Him gently, singing with voice mild.

Li li li, my darling, dear Child of mine,

Li li li , my dearest, lovely, lovely Child.'

He looked around the room till he found Lou. He nodded to her.

"I think of you when I play this song, you are blessed like Mary and will have beautiful baby."

Lou's hand flew to her stomach, she felt the baby kick, as if the little soul understood all the love there, waiting, in that room. She looked back to Janusz, a few tears escaping her eyes.

"It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard Janusz, thank you." She smiled as Buck stepped closer to her and put his hand on her shoulder. Amanda walked over to Janusz, she suddenly felt shy in front of everyone, but she sat down next to him and rested her head against his shoulder.

"Play it again Janusz, you play wonderfully." She looked into his eyes and Janusz stared back. A smile spread across his face and he whispered in her ear something in Polish, but from her blush it was obvious she understood. Teaspoon cleared his throat and Jeremiah shifted in his seat and let out a snort.

"Yeah, play the song already."

Janusz played the Cradle Song again and then a few others that he remembered from the old country. Then he played a few they all knew, Deck the Halls, Hark the Herald Angels Sing and Oh Holy Night. Jimmy just closed his eyes and listened to his families' voices as they sang along. He wished he could put this night in a bottle, seal it tight and keep it close to his heart always. He knew times wouldn't always be this good. Especially when he went back to fighting and raiding in Missouri with Rosemary. It shocked him for a moment to realize that hardly anyone had asked about her and he hadn't thought to mention her either. He opened his eyes and looked to find Buck, who wasn't singing either but seemed to be enjoying it just as much as he was. Buck felt Jimmy's stare and looked at him curiously. Jimmy looked at Buck then looked towards the door and nodded. Buck understood and joined him as they both grabbed their coats and quietly exited the room.

* * *

><p>The night was crisp and cloudless, the moon was full and they could see their path easily. They were at the corral before either of them spoke.<p>

"So Amanda and Janusz huh?" Jimmy started off with an easy one.

"Ha, yeah I didn't really see that one coming, him being so quiet and all, but once he got up the nerve to talk to her, that was pretty much that. They have lunch every day at the saloon, and she spends time out here with him helping out and her keeping Lou company. She's got some good men at the saloon who help her run the evenings. Pretty busy operation. She's probably makin more now than she did back in Benton."

"Good for her... and him. They both deserve some happiness."

Buck just nodded in agreement as he leaned against the corral, one leg on the fence. Jimmy assumed the same posture. From behind they looked like brothers, with matching mannerisms and long, untamed hair. After a bit of silence Buck turned to Jimmy.

"So you must be wanting to ask me something"

"Nope, not particularly" Jimmy smiled and Buck chuckled.

"Come on Jimmy, out with it."

"I want to know it all Buck. With Lou. The ranch. You."

"I spill my guts to you one time in a moment of weakness... I should've known you'd make me do it again." Buck tried to look angry, but he couldn't pull it off.

"You gotta tell someone Buck."

"Yeah, gotta admit, I'm glad you're here, real glad. You know I've got Cody trying to help me out? He comes round saying he's going to help share the "man of the house duties", and he does actually do the work, so I appreciate that, just wish it didn't come with his advice. You know he told me the answer to all my problems was to go whoring?"

Jimmy let out a long laugh.

"It's really not such a bad idea." Jimmy raised his eyebrow and smiled knowingly. "It's easier than chopping down trees." Buck's eyes shot up to Jimmy in surprise.

"How'd you know about that?"

"Know what? I just know whenever you'd get upset bout some girl before, you'd volunteer to chop firewood... why, did you do that recently?"

"The day we got back from Abilene and I found out Lou was pregnant." Jimmy chuckled and gave his friend a sympathetic look, but Buck could only shake his head. "When the doc told us, I couldn't think straight. I rode out of here as fast as my horse could carry me and made Lou worry. I'm not proud of it. Alls I could think was how much I hated Kid. Still feel like hating him most days, but can't make it stick. He doesn't know. Not sure it would do much good if he did know, but Lou made us all swear not to write him. Don't think she could handle him coming back for the baby when he wouldn't stay for her." Buck paused and Jimmy just muttered a curse about Kid's mother.

"I thought bout leaving too Jimmy" Buck could barely look him in the eye. "I don't think I was ever real serious about it, but I did think on it. Sam Cain wrote and offered me a job as a deputy with him a while back. It would be great to see him and Emma again, and their baby. You know they're back in Sweetwater right?" Buck glance over to Jimmy and saw his look of mild surprise so he continued with more detail.

"Sam got sick of Omaha and all the politicking real quick, didn't like the stuffed shirts trying to tie his hands. He found out his old job as Marshall was open and snatched it right up. Emma I guess is real glad to be back at the old station."

"I wondered how Sam would handle Omaha, guess now I know. Good for him." Jimmy paused and waited for Buck to continue.

"Mm hmm. So being his deputy… even though I would be closer to the Kiowa out there and I might be able to find my brother, it's just too far away."

Buck stopped talking and Jimmy had no idea what to say. He wished with all his might that he was free to stay, that he hadn't promised Rosemary he'd come back.

"Buck you don't need to feel bad bout considering Sam's offer, why wouldn't you? It's a good opportunity... sides, as rotten as this is to say, you ain't married to Lou."

"I sure as hell ain't" Buck said, the anger rising in his voice. He pushed himself away from the fence and turned to Jimmy, running a quick hand through his hair. "Definitely not married, don't know what exactly I am to her, cept "the bestest friend a girl could ever have"" Buck saw the look of horror pass over Jimmy's face and laughed, "Yes, she actually said that to me... and in town near everyone thinks I'm the father. That I'm the reason Kid left, can you believe that? I hate going into town now."

"People are small minded in small towns." Jimmy felt lower than a snake now for even letting the thought cross his mind that Buck could be the father.

"I hate that livin out here with me makes people talk bad bout Lou. She says she don't care. She holds her head up high each time she goes into town for supplies, but she's real quiet when she gets back and I know she only goes to places where she feels like people accept her. Gotta admit, Tompkins been pretty decent to her. Still, I know they've called her a "half breed's whore". If I ever hear that for myself, I won't be responsible for my actions." Buck growled.

"Well don't get yourself in any duels, that's my department, you're supposed to be the cool headed one, remember?"

Buck just grunted.

"I'm not always the cool headed one, not when it comes to stuff like that. Sometimes, I wonder if it'd be easier for her if I _did_ leave..."

"That's bull and you know it"

"You didn't let me finish. Then I realize I couldn't leave even if I tried. I couldn't leave her. I care too much, even if she never cares for me that way... and then there is the ranch. It's taken a lot of work, but it's startin to come together Jimmy"

Jimmy saw the truth of Buck's situation and couldn't imagine are harder place to be. Like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

"So what you going to do when the baby comes."

Buck just shrugged, looking completely lost.

"Be whatever she needs me to be, I guess. I'm trying not to think that far ahead."

Jimmy just nodded, but he could look down the road and imagine it, Buck would love that child as his own, just as he loved the child's mother. Jimmy saw a little girl with Lou's spirit and Kid's eyes calling Buck "Pa" because she'd know no other... and Lou still being in love with Kid, blind to what was truly before her. He shivered. He didn't know if he'd be able to endure the same. Then Buck continued on in almost a whisper.

"She near scared the life out of me when she was sick. Don't know if I'll ever get over it. There were times before her fever broke I almost spit out everything, just in case she... left. But I didn't and she got better. I try to treat her the same as always, but I think part of me holds back now. She notices it, but she doesn't notice anything else." Buck heard footsteps and tensed up for a moment, then relaxed.

"Hay Lou" He said without turning around.

"I really wish you wouldn't do that. I can't never sneak up and surprise you."

"That's good cause I don't like surprises."

Lou just rolled her eyes and let out a "hmmph", she squeezed in between her two friends.

"What you two talkin bout Jimmy?"

Jimmy's eyes twinkled, he looked over her head to Buck and answered her.

"Oh we was just talkin bout how scared Buck was with your fever and all, how he thought he'd loose you."

Buck went from wide eyed to full glare at Jimmy, but quickly put on a neutral expression as Lou turned to stare at Buck.

"Well I'm never going to scare you like that again. You're never going to loose me, ever. We're partners right? We're going to make this the best ranch in the territory, you and I" Then she wrapped her arms tightly around Buck and gave him a long hug. Buck sighed as he wrapped his arms around Lou gently, making room for her rounded belly, he wished he could wipe that smug look right off Jimmy's face. Before either of the men had a chance to say anything else, Amanda rushed up to them.

"Oh I'm sorry to interrupt your reunion... it is really good to see you again Jimmy, don't think I had a chance to tell you that earlier... but Louise? I need your help. I've got a few more things to get set for the uh, Wigilia. I completely forgot about the whiten linen table cloth. Is there one in the house? I can't go back to town without Janusz asking and I think he already suspects something." Amanda was wringing her hands and looked like she was about ready to jump out of her skin. She wasn't wearing a coat and was visibly shaking. Lou immediately rushed to her side.

"Oh gosh yes, I think I have one in the trunk in my bedroom. Let's go look." Lou and Amanda rushed off together continuing their conversation, Lou looked back once quickly and gave her friends a smile and a wink before turning her head back to whatever Amanda was saying.

"What the hell was that about... why won't these women wear coats?" Jimmy asked laughing.

"Oh no. First you're going to tell me why you just pulled that stunt with Lou" Buck frowned and crossed his arms.

"What? What stunt? You said she didn't notice... I just gave her a little push to help her notice."

Buck opened his mouth, prepared to tell Jimmy just where he could go, but finally just gave him a half smile.

"I don't know who's worse, you or Cody... oh hell. It's Cody. Just don't go pushing too much alright? I really don't need any help."

"Mm hmm."

"I mean it."

"I know you do. Now, what's Amanda frettin about, she weren't makin any sense."

Buck smiled wide.

"Amanda's been planning a big surprise for Janusz for Christmas eve. She's been working on it all week. For a while now she's been asking him as much as she dares about Polish Christmas traditions. She's making the meal that he had every Christmas eve back in Poland. Cept Amanda's never really cooked much, don't think she realized what she was getting herself into, so we've all been in on her secret, helping out."

"So what's this traditional Polish meal?" Jimmy chuckled as he imagined Amanda putting together a big Christmas dinner when she had barely cooked before. The girl had guts. Buck made a face.

"Well the main thing is fried fish. So Jeremiah and I went out to the river and managed to catch a few trout. It wasn't easy. Guess the fish he had was something called a carp, but we don't have that kind round here, so she's making do..."

"Fish? Fish for Christmas?"

"Oh it gets better. She's also making something called Borscht. It's beetroot soup... and some dumplings with potato and onion in it."

"Hmm. Well, maybe the dumplings will be good."

"Don't worry, as soon as I heard about the fish, I took Jeremiah hunting and got us a deer. We'll have venison Christmas day."

"You must've known I was coming, that's my favorite... and Amanda makin all those strange foods, just cause she knows it'd make her man happy, well if that ain't the mark of a woman in love, I don't know what is."

They both thought on that for a bit, the love of a good woman, their minds taking them different directions but both coming back to the same place.

"Janusz is one lucky bastard." Buck said as he stretched and motioned for them to head back to the house.

"He sure is." Jimmy agreed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I have a soft spot for Janusz and all things Polish, so there you go. A few warm fuzzies here, but nowhere near the fuzzy level as Christmas Eve! :) You'll see for yourself tomorrow. Let me know what you think!**


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 16 (December 1861)

Jimmy woke up the next morning gasping for breath, arms flailing. His eyes flew open to Cody's smiling face as he jumped back from Jimmy's bunk.

"Cody I told you if you ever held my nose to wake me up again, I'd take you out." Jimmy growled as he flopped back on his pillow. He'd kill him as soon as he could breathe normally.

"Good to see you too, Jimmy. Git up, it's a beautiful mornin. I've been awake for hours already." Cody started rustling around in the cupboards. The other men sleeping in the bunkhouse couldn't help but wake up to Cody's racket.

"Cody, don't you think you could get yourself to the house, go wake the dead over there? At least the women are probably already awake, makin the vittles you're looking for." Teaspoon said grouchily with one eye open. He had been banished to the bunkhouse with the rest of the men last night. Rachel explained the women had things that needed doing and they didn't need the menfolk getting underfoot. She had been completely unmoved by his protests of the bed in the second bedroom being softer and warmer than a bunk in the bunkhouse. Rachel said he'd survive one night. So, much to the amusement of Jimmy and Buck, Teaspoon had stayed the night with them. Nearly every bunk was used with Jimmy, Buck, Jeremiah, Teaspoon and Janusz sleeping there. Cody threw open another cupboard, he found supplies for coffee and a few biscuits.

"Well, I went there first. Rachel wouldn't let me in the door. She said to let you all know that we're on our own until three this afternoon. The house is off limits to all of us."

"Oh hell... I'm goin to go have a talk with her." Teaspoon forced his eyes wide and sat up, trying not to hit his head.

"I wouldn't bother Teaspoon, she said not a minute before three."

"Well if that don't beat all." Teaspoon sighed in defeat.

"But that's all day" Jeremiah whined, "what are we gonna do all day?"

Jimmy glanced over at Buck, his eyes flicked over to Janusz now just starting to wake up. Buck gave him a half smile, they were thinking the same thing. Janusz better appreciate his surprise dinner tonight if they were going to be banished from the house all day as the women cooked.

"Jeremiah, we could show Jimmy the longhorns. We'll have to check on them in the pasture anyways. We could bring em out some hay. They've been doing alright finding grass under the snow, but I'm guessing they'd like the supplement." Buck said as he hopped out of his bunk. His bare feet hit the cold ground and he shivered. They'd need to get the wood burning stove going right away this morning.

"We could play cards too, I'd be happy to take all y'alls money" Cody said, mouth half full of biscuit, "or we could sing! Janusz has his guitar and I know you've missed my singing, haven't ya, Jimmy?"

Jimmy let out a strangled groan and Buck laughed as he threw a few logs into the stove.

"Aren't you glad you came home, Hickok?"

Cody's eyes took on a mischievous gleam, he smiled from ear to ear.

"You know I feel a song comin on right now? In honor of Jimmy's return," Cody took a deep breath and belted out with gusto.

"Oh Susannah! Oh don't you cry for me, for I came to Alabama with a banjo on my...hay!" He laughed as he ducked several flying pillows.

* * *

><p>The day moved faster than they expected. Jimmy was impressed at how quickly Buck and Cody had picked up ranching. With only fifty head, it was a small operation, but the foundation was solid now, the ranch would be able to quickly expand next year. They had just returned from the pasture and caring for their horses. Jimmy made his way over to Cody as the rest of the men were leaving the barn. There had been something he'd been meaning to ask Cody about for a while and now was as good at time as any.<p>

"Cody, you got a minute?"

Cody stopped in his tracks and looked at Jimmy warily.

"That depends, you still feelin sore bout this mornin?"

"No, believe it or not I've actually missed how annoyin you can be."

"That's beautiful Jimmy, I'm touched." Cody grinned, putting his hands over his heart. Jimmy rolled his eyes.

"Right. Look, I wanted to ask you somethin about your scouting for the army."

Cody's face immediately turned serious and his spine straightened.

"What do you want to know?"

"Have you heard any word about Jesse or Frank lately?"

Cody crossed his arms as he leaned against one of the stall doors.

"They were around here for a while. Every day I hoped I wouldn't find em. I mean, I wanted to find Frank and hand him over, but not Jesse, you know?"

Jimmy just nodded so Cody continued.

"Pierson's gang split up, most went down south, but a few went east. We captured a couple who had done neither a while back. There'd been talk some had gone into Missouri to join Quantrill's Raiders. My captain um, _persuaded_ one of the captured men to write down names of men who went to Quantrill... jeez, I'm not supposed to be telling you any of this... anyways, one of the names he wrote down was Frank James." Cody sighed and kicked the dirt with his boot.

"That's what I was afraid of" Jimmy muttered, his expression darkening.

Cody had a sinking feeling and his frown soon matched his friend's.

"Where have you and Rosemary been ridin, Jimmy?"

"Kansas border mostly. Rosemary and some others just crossed over into Missouri bout the time I left. I'm supposed to meet them there when I go back. Rosemary means to go after Quantrill."

"Well spit."

He saw in Jimmy's eyes now what he had been feeling for the last several months. Jesse had been a brat, but he was _their _brat. He had gotten under all their skins till he was part of the family... and for every step forward, where they'd see the promise of the good man Jesse could be, there would be a step back because of Frank. They had been family to the boy, but Frank was his brother.

"Maybe Jesse's no longer ridin with Frank, maybe he went home to his ma." Cody said, not believing his words, even as he said them.

"Best thing Jesse could do, but we both know there's not a chance in hell he'll leave Frank's side. Not when Frank's been filling Jesse's head with all sorts of fool notions, justifying robbing banks and beating on people cause it'll help "the South"... and if they're with Quantrill... well Quantrill makes Frank look like a school boy."

"Yeah I've heard the same thing." Cody studied his boots. He knew Jimmy was right, but he felt uneasy. There were plenty vigilante abolitionist groups out there just as violent as Quantrill's... he wondered if Rosemary's was one of them. Cody cleared his throat.

"What if you find him?"

"That's just it, I have to find him... before the others do."

Cody looked at Jimmy curiously.

"I hope you find him Jimmy, I surely do..."

Both men were silent for a long moment. A strong gust of wind blew through the barn causing one of the doors to crash shut, startling them both.

"Come on" Jimmy put a hand on Cody's shoulder "let's go in. Gotta be bout three by now."

Cody just nodded and watched Jimmy walk ahead of him. He thought about how Jimmy had taken Jesse under his wing, and fought to protect the boy more than once. What would it take to protect Jesse this time? Cody shoved the worry to the back of his mind and quickened his step to catch up to Jimmy.

* * *

><p>"Rachel, you need to come here and see this." Lou called as she peeked out the window. "I think the men are about one minute away from stormin in here."<p>

Rachel leaned over Lou's shoulder and let out a snort.

"What a bunch of babies. You would think we didn't even take pity on em and set out that plate of sandwiches around lunch time. _Men_!" Rachel walked back to the table and appraised their work. She had to admit, she'd had her doubts they'd be able to pull this dinner off, but everything looked beautiful. There were candles lit around the house and on the table. Garland hung from the rafters, Theresa had made a centerpiece out of some pine branches, ribbon and berries... and the food, it looked wonderful and smelled even better.

"Amanda, you ready for me to let the men... and Janusz in?" Rachel raised her eyebrows at Amanda and grinned. Amanda had been a whirling dervish all afternoon.

"Hold on, one more thing." Amanda stepped on a chair and tied something on a string to the rafters.

"Is that... mistletoe?" Lou peered at the leaves and white berries above her head.

"Um yes, it sure is" Amanda gave Lou an embarrassed smile.

"How in the world did you find that?"

"Saw it up in an oak outside of town a while back. Theresa climbed up the tree and got it for me."

Lou turned and looked to her sister in surprise.

"I'm a very good climber Louise" Theresa told her with wide eyed sincerity. Lou couldn't help but laugh.

"That's my girl."

"Well ladies, do I look alright?" Amanda patted her hair nervously.

"I think we all look beautiful. Those men are damn lucky they have us around to look at." Rachel put her arm around Lou and Amanda. It was true, they had really outdone themselves. Amanda had on a white dress with red flowers dotting the skirt and bodice. Lou had one of her most attractive blue dresses let out. They had both put their hair in papers the night before and their hair hung loose and curly around their shoulders. Rachel had on a new green dress and even Theresa had on a new pink frock with shiny new black shoes.

"Yep, pretty as a picture, now why don't we let them in before they break down the door." Rachel gave the girls one last squeeze and flung open the door.

"Bout time woman! We were bout to faint from hunger out there in the cold" Teaspoon met Rachel and kissed her cheek in forgiveness.

"Yes, I can see that" She smiled as she patted Teaspoons slightly protruding belly.

"Don't know what you're talkin bout" He winked as Rachel laughed, leading him into the room.

"Well it sure smells good enough to be worth the wait." Cody said, taking a big whiff.

Jimmy and Buck let Janusz come in next and Jeremiah and Henry followed in after them. Janusz greeted Amanda with a warm smile, then his eyes fell on the table and he stopped walking towards her mid stride. He took in the sight of the fried fish, the borscht, pierogi and dark rye bread. There were oranges and fruit cake as well. He looked closely at the white linen tablecloth and could see straw underneath, as was Polish tradition for Christmas eve dinner.

"You did this... for me?" Janusz took another step towards Amanda.

Amanda bit her lip and nodded.

"This why so many questions?... I didn't understand."

"I hope you like it. I wanted to give you a taste of home, I wasn't sure..." She stopped mid thought. Janusz was now standing right in front of her, she tilted her head back to look up at him. She felt her like her heart was going to beat right out of her chest the way he was looking at her.

"You did this for me." He repeated softly, he reached his hand to her cheek, his knuckles brushing her skin. He glanced up and saw mistletoe right above their heads.

"Does this plant mean same here in America?" He asked as he leaned closer. Amanda blushed to the roots of her hair as she nodded.

"Good."

Janusz wrapped his arms around her and kissed her then, lifting her feet off the floor. She had never been kissed so thoroughly. Certainly not in front of a room full of family who were all now laughing or cheering at the delight of Janusz's out of character public display of affection. Janusz finally let Amanda down. She looked completely flustered, while Janusz still noticed no one else in the room.

"Don't you think you should taste it Janusz before you thank her for it?" Cody asked as he took a closer look at all the food unfamiliar to him.

"It is not taste. It is thought." He answered simply. Amanda smiled, she was so happy she couldn't hold in her last surprise.

"Kocham cie, Janusz" She said softly. The rest of the room grew quiet, even if they couldn't understand her words they could read their importance from Janusz's reaction.

"Ah moja droga... how have I won your heart? I have nothing... I have been in prison. You could have any man."

Amanda no longer cared that everyone was watching them with rapt attention.

"You have everything. Everything I need. You were an innocent man. I don't care about your past and you have certainly lead a more honorable life than me. The question is more, how does a man as wonderful as you care for me?" She entwined her fingers in his. He shook his head in disbelief but his smile grew.

"I thought to wait many months... be patient and how you say in English? court you. Perhaps it would be better to wait, but now I cannot." Janusz closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Amanda frowned slightly in confusion then she let out a gasp as Janusz dropped to one knee. Tears filled her eyes, she couldn't stop smiling.

"I love you Amanda. I love you from first day. I will love you my last day. Please... marry me."

Tears rolled down her face as she nodded and gasped out a yes before she threw herself into Janusz's waiting arms. If the room had been happy before, they were damn near ecstatic now. Rachel and Lou were teary eyed. Teaspoon was blinking rapidly and the rest of the men were grinning ear to ear. Slowly Amanda stood shakily to her feet, still clutching Janusz's hand tightly.

"Let me be the first one to congratulate you, Amanda my dear." Teaspoon said gruffly. He couldn't hide his tears now as he grabbed her in a bear hug. The next few minutes were a blur of congratulations, hugs and slaps on the back for both of them. Neither could stop smiling or looking at each other.

"I don't know what gift could top that!" Lou exclaimed as she hugged the woman who felt more like a sister to her now.

"I know!" Amanda laughed. She was still shaking like a leaf. It would take a while for the shock to wear off.

"Well why don't we sit down and eat this here Polish feast? Can't let all this hard work get cold!" Teaspoon snapped his suspenders and plopped himself down at the head of the table. The rest followed suit. Janusz declared it was all just as good as his mother's cooking. Amanda doubted it but beamed and thanked him all the same. The food may have tasted unusual to them but after a few hesitant bites most cleaned their plates.

* * *

><p>The rest of the evening was spent in laughter, memories. Teaspoon read the story of the Nativity as they all gathered by the fire. He closed his old family bible and set it down beside him. The room was quiet, most sitting close to the warmth. Janusz had his arms wrapped around his bride to be. Rachel was by Teaspoon's side and Theresa on his lap. Jeremiah and Henry were sitting a ways back. Most amusing to him were Buck, Lou, Jimmy and Cody all in a row in front of him, sprawled out, leaning back watching the fire dance. Lou, despite her belly, had assumed the same posture as the boys, much like she had countless times before. She was so much more "womanly" than she used to be, she just didn't realize it most of the time. Teaspoon couldn't have asked for a better gift than for so many of those he held dear to all be in the same room. It made him miss those who weren't more acutely .<p>

"You know the words of that angel, talkin peace on earth, good will toward men... There's a war outside these walls. Sometimes it feels like it's right on our doorsteps, sometimes in a far off land, but it's already cost us too much... Noah. Jesse and Kid leavin... and it makes my heart sore. But tonight we're all together, enjoyin each other's company, makin new memories and startin new lives" he turned to Janusz and Amanda and winked. "Can't say I remember a time more filled with hope and love than this night right here. If angels do walk among men, I hope they're lookin and listenin real hard to what's been goin on in this country of ours. May the good Lord bring peace back to this country, a quick end to all this madness and keep safe those we love who are not here." Teaspoon took a peek over a Lou, to make sure she was alright after his little speech but he shouldn't have worried. Buck and Jimmy had both moved towards her slightly, offering their comfort should she need it.

* * *

><p>"Louise! Louise! Wake up! Look out the window, it's <em>snowing <em>sister, big fluffy flakes!" Theresa shook Lou's shoulder then ran back to her small bed right by the window. Lou slowly opened her eyes, rolled to her side and peered out the window, sure enough, there was a steady and gentle snow fall blanketing all she could see.

"Beautiful... well I guess we should go see what Santa brought you, hmm?" Lou struggled to sit up. Her belly was just starting to get in the way of normal activities and it made her feel enormous and awkward. She had told Rachel as much yesterday and had been horrified when Rachel had just laughed and declared this was only the beginning. Lou put on some wool socks and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and met her sister dancing by the door.

"Oh Louise, you know I'm too old to believe in Santa anymore."

"You are? Well spit, I'd hoped I'd have at least one Christmas where you and me could believe in that magic together." Lou gave her sister a small smile. She had missed so much of her sister growing up.

"Well, how bout we pretend he's real, would that be ok?" Theresa asked as she gave her big sister a hug.

"I like that idea... com'on, let's see what he brought."

Turned out, "Santa" brought a lot for Theresa. She had a new doll, candies, another new dress and bows for her hair. There was discarded wrapping paper everywhere. Most of the gifts for the adults had been practical, as everyone on the ranch was saving for the spring to buy new cattle. Buck had splurged on one gift. It was for Lou, Jeremiah and Theresa, but he let Theresa open it. He handed the rectangular package to her with a smile. She looked surprised by the weight of it and with the usual impatience of a child, ripped off the brown paper. It was a book, almost as big as Teaspoon's bible, it had a shiny leather cover with letters embossed in gold, she read the title slowly.

"The Complete Works of William Shake... Shakes?"

"It's Shakespeare. He wrote stories and poems hundreds of years ago. Teaspoon and I were talking bout what would make a good present, something that would help you with your schooling and also something we could read together this winter." Buck said, he glanced at Lou and could tell that she at least liked it. Teaspoon chimed in.

"I've always said only two books you need are the bible and Shakespeare. Lots to keep your mind busy in both those books. I think you'll like em Miss Theresa... and I'll be sure to come over and read "Romeo and Juliet" to ya. It's his most famous story. Gots fights and romance and deaths by sword and by poison." Teaspoon's eyes opened wide as he paused for dramatic effect.

"It's a real page turner."

Theresa turned the book in her hands and then looked at Teaspoon doubtfully.

"Well ok, but I think I might like that drawing paper you got me better."

* * *

><p>Jimmy stretched out on the couch and struggled to keep his eyes open. He had eaten second and then third helpings of the entire Christmas day feast. Roasted venison, sweet potatoes, rolls and pudding. He may have even put Cody to shame, which took some doing. Maybe his stomach wouldn't burst if he could sleep for just a few minutes...<p>

"Ooof! What the hell? Lou, get off!" Jimmy shoved Lou off his stomach and scooted to the side so she could sit in front of him. He held his stomach and let out an exaggerated groan.

"What, you don't want to be my pillow? Fine then." Lou adjusted her dress primly as if she hadn't just bounced onto Jimmy with all her might.

"Watch it, runt." Jimmy growled.

"Oh, did you eat too much Jimmy? Your tummy feelin uncomfortable? That's gotta be tough." Lou gave him her most sympathetic expression, but then patted his stomach a little too firmly. She had missed messing with him. Jimmy looked at her, one eye open.

"This how you feel most days?"

"On a good day. Rachel tells me it's just gonna get worse. Been meaning to write Emma and asked her what other fun surprises I can expect."

"Emma was more than a house keeper, the time she was with us, she was like your momma, wasn't she?"

"Yeah I miss her, specially nowdays. She's the only woman I know that's had a baby. I mean, really know."

"Well, she'd tell you whatever you ask. Wish I knew more about babies. I'd tell ya whatever I knew."

Lou saw Jimmy was completely earnest and it made her smile.

"You know plenty bout makin em. You and Rosemary going to make me an aunt any time soon?"

Jimmy visibly paled.

"God I hope not. We're really careful. I'm more careful with her than I've ever been."

"Why? Thought you were pretty serious bout settlin down with her?" Lou frowned.

"Well, we're serious, but neither of us are the settlin down type. Sides, she's made it pretty clear that she's got more important things to do. Can't go ridin for the Cause when you're nursin a babe I expect."

Lou didn't want to get into an argument with Jimmy about the finer points of Rosemary's character so she just nodded.

"That would be difficult."

Jimmy didn't buy her non-answer for a minute but he appreciated Lou's willingness to keep peace, at least for the moment.

"Hay where'd everybody go?" Jimmy looked around and realized nearly everyone had cleared out except Rachel and Amanda who were putting away the supper dishes and Theresa, who was drawing at the table with her new paper and drawing pencils, putting to use her favorite Christmas present from Teaspoon.

"All the men went out to the barn and the pasture." Lou giggled at his perplexed face.

"So I really did fall asleep?"

"You were out for a solid half hour, sawin logs. Got so bad, Rachel asked me to come over here to get you to stop."

Jimmy called over his shoulder.

"You set this hellion on me? Thanks Rachel."

"Hickok, I wish you could hear yourself snore. You would do the same. Actually, I think you have to Buck before." Rachel laughed and then turned back to the kitchen. Lou leaned in and whispered.

"It's true you know, I've heard you both. You're worse." Then she patted his hand, as if to soften the blow. She stared at him for a long moment, her eyes losing their laughter.

"What? What is it?" Jimmy asked her, concerned. She sighed.

"I was just thinkin... I wish you could stay. You're a big brother to me. You leave a big hole when you're not here. I miss you and I know Buck misses you too." She cast her eyes down, if she looked in his eyes she'd probably get emotional.

" I have a feelin you're the only one he tells his secrets to. He needs someone like that, specially since Ike's gone. I worry bout him."

Jimmy felt a tug on his heart. He had so many reasons to stay, but he had two very strong reasons to go that made staying impossible. His promise to Rosemary... and Jesse.

"Well he worries about you too, so you make a fine pair."

"He does, doesn't he... sometimes I think he might be too lonely or bored out here. With just me and Theresa and Jeremiah to keep him company... and it's gettin colder too. Will be harder for him to get out and go ridin as much."

Jimmy thought there was probably nowhere Buck would rather be on a cold winter night then holed up next to a fire with this woman, but didn't say so. She had opened a door for him though and he was going to walk through it, test out a hunch.

"You know what might be an answer? Millie Coe. You know her right? She was one of the finest saloon girls Polly had when she owned the joint in town and Amanda said she hired her real quick once the place re-opened... Millie told me before she had her eye on him, found him real appealin."

"Millie Coe? For Buck?"

Jimmy held back a laugh as he saw the distaste on Lou's face.

"Well, why not?"

"Why not? Well... she's, she's not his type, that's why not." Lou sputtered.

"Not his type? She's blonde just like that bitch Kathleen and Jenny too. She's beautiful, she's got curves in all the right places and she's a nice girl. She'd make him happy, what's not to like?"

"Well jeez Hickok, why don't you go find her." Lou said crossly.

"I already have a girl, but Buck is as free as can be, so why shouldn't he?"

"I don't know!" Lou threw up her hands in exasperation, "There's just something about her I don't like... her laugh! She sounds like a donkey when she laughs! It would drive him out of his ever lovin mind!" Jimmy just looked at her like she was crazy so she continued.

"and how does she feel bout him bein part Indian? I'd have to kill her if she ever looked her nose down on him." Lou crossed her arms and stuck her chin out in defiance of the whole idea.

"Don't make a difference if you don't like her, only if Buck does... and the way she's talked about him, well, I don't think she cares much about the _color_ of his body."

"Ugh! Men! All y'all are going to find the most horrible girls to marry, just to drive me to an early grave."

"Who said anything bout marryin her? He could just enjoy her company." Jimmy couldn't hide his smile now, she was really worked up and he bet she didn't have the foggiest idea why, but to him at least it was clear. Even if she wasn't being honest to herself, she cared about Buck. More than she had a few months ago.

"Hmmph."

"Lou, why does the idea bother you so much?" Jimmy asked softly. Lou stood to her feet.

"Well cause she's not good enough that's why, same as Rosemary's not good enough for you and Belle's place ain't good enough for Cody. I got to protect you men from yourselves."

With that Lou stormed off to her room and slammed the door. Rachel and Amanda walked into the room, looking confused.

"Jimmy what in the world did you do?" Amanda asked.

"Oh nothin, just doing Buck a favor." Jimmy smiled as he stood up and stretched his legs.

"A favor? By trying to get him together with Millie? Millie has already tried every time Buck comes into the saloon to say hello to me. He can't stand her, finds her laugh annoying." Amanda was truly puzzled.

"Really? I didn't know that!" Jimmy laughed "I'm pretty sure Lou didn't know that either." He gave them a sly grin. Rachel and Amanda looked at each other, Jimmy had confirmed in so many words what they privately had assumed. Buck had feelings for Lou.

"Jimmy, you shouldn't interfere." Rachel admonished.

"Who's interferin? Not me. Maybe it's just somethin in the air. Everybody should be as happy as you two, specially you Amanda. I could get a toothache watchin you and Janusz together." Jimmy moved to stand between the two women and put an arm around each, giving them a squeeze.

"Alright Jimmy why don't you go make yourself scarce with the men and we'll go try and smooth the feathers you ruffled." Rachel said as she shooed him out the door. He barely had time to grab his hat and coat.

"Yes ma'am." He smiled and winked at her as the door closed.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you don't need anything else? Maybe some extra coffee? I could try and find another blanket, Jimmy... don't want you freezin to death between here and Missouri." Lou asked, eyes to the ground as she walked.<p>

"I've got everything I'll need. Jeez Lou, you sound like my ma." Jimmy put an arm around her and smiled, taking the bite out of his words.

"Wish you weren't going Hickok. You were almost getting useful with the 'horns." Buck walked on the other side of Jimmy as they made their way to Jimmy's horse.

"Yeah, give him another week, he might even stop bein scared of em." Cody added, jumping out of the way as Jimmy reached around Lou to shove him.

The four stopped in front of Jimmy's horse. It was early morning on new years day and for the first time in days the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It had snowed off and on since Christmas, making for an easy excuse to put off the inevitable. But now Jimmy was afraid if he didn't take advantage of the break in the weather, he'd find another excuse to stay, and then another... he needed to get back to Rosemary and he needed to find Jesse.

"It feels like there should be a rider comin over those plains, don't it? With us standin around here like this... like I should mount up, and wait for the mochilla to be passed." Jimmy stared off into the distance.

"But when I rode off those times, I always knew I'd be seein you all again within a day or two... wish I knew how long it'd be this time... hopefully before this little one is walkin." He glanced over to Lou and his eyes dropped to her small belly. She reflexively placed her hands on her stomach and gave Jimmy a stern look.

"You better come back sooner than that, this babe's gonna want to meet the uncle Jimmy he or she keeps hearin about."

"If there weren't things that needed to be done in Missouri, I would never leave." Jimmy said flatly.

"Jimmy, I hope you find what you're looking for in Missouri. Ride safe." Cody looked at Jimmy seriously. They had agreed they wouldn't mention their suspicions about Jesse's whereabouts to the others, but he couldn't help but allude to it just then. Jimmy just met his eyes and nodded in acknowledgement. Cody sighed.

"It's gettin late, I need to get a move on, head back to camp before drill, don't think I can sweet talk the Captain for more personal time, now that the holidays are done." Cody jogged back to the barn for his horse. Jimmy turned to Lou and Buck and couldn't hide the sadness in his voice.

"I know you'll take good care of each other... so I don't even need to ask you that, just wish I weren't sayin goodbye, so I wouldn't be sayin that sort of thing at all."

"Well, when you're done riding Jimmy, when you've found a time where your spirit wants peace, this ranch will be here waiting and so will we." Buck promised as he handed Jimmy his reins.

"I know."

Jimmy swung up onto his horse and then waited a moment as Cody rode out of the barn to meet him.

"Well William F Cody, go do the army proud."

"Every day! Best soldier around these parts, so they say... Until next time Jimmy." Cody tipped his hat towards Lou and Buck, he'd see them soon. Then he gave Jimmy an exaggerated salute before he set his horse off in a gallop towards town. Jimmy smiled and shook his head.

"Never tell him this, cause there'd be no livin with him... but for all his fool ways, Cody is a good man to have watchin your back. I'm glad he's within helpin distance... if I can't be."

Buck nodded and Lou reached up her hand to Jimmy's.

"Please take care... don't like that we're not in helpin distance for you neither."

Jimmy squeezed her hand and let go. It was not lost on him that both Lou and Buck referred to themselves as "we".

"Buck... I think at the end of the day, things are gonna turn out as they should."

"We'll see Jimmy."

Lou glanced at Buck, then to Jimmy. Again she saw the look of some unspoken knowledge but it passed quickly.

"See ya, runt." Jimmy laughed at the frown Lou gave him and urged his horse to the east, the opposite direction Cody had just left moments before. Lou and Buck were alone now in the yard, standing in the snow and cold. Lou felt a sudden wave of loneliness and without thinking about it, put her arms around Buck.

"I hate that things will never be the same again." She said wearily.

"You never know. It's the first day of a new year right? If there's ever a day to hope for the future, it's today... maybe someday soon, this war will be over and things will be better than they ever was." Buck said as he put his arm around her. They were quiet in their own thoughts until Lou looked up at Buck, worry in her voice.

"Buck?"

Buck took his eyes off the spot in the horizon where Jimmy had just disappeared and looked down at Lou's unguarded expression. Her eyes were wide and uncertain. Instinctively he pulled her closer to him.

"What is it?"

Lou bit her lip and spoke hesitantly.

"When Jimmy talked bout things turnin out, he wasn't talkin about Millie Coe was he?"

Buck gave her a look of genuine surprise.

"Millie Coe? Don't believe so, why on earth would Jimmy talk to me about her?"

Lou gave him a relieved smile. Buck frowned at her, completely confused. Lou stepped away and shrugged.

"Oh, no reason. He mentioned her to me before is all... com'on let's go inside before our toes get frozen."

Buck watched her run ahead of him back into the house, then with a shake of his head, followed her in. He doubted he was ever going to understand how her mind worked.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** **Amanda and Janusz... wuv, twu wuv! I was surprised how quickly their relationship progressed, but I guess once you know, you know. I think you could take a lot of short cuts with societal norms out in the wild west. Did you enjoy the warm fuzzies? Jimmy channeling Hello Dolly! makes me laugh. Oh and I am the current caretaker for my family of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare just like the one mentioned. It's from 1854 and it was one of my great (great etc) grandfathers. If there was ever a fire, I would grab my children, husband and that book.**


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 17 (February 1862)

"Letter must be pretty good, way you've been rereading it all evening." Kid said to Johnny, turning in his cot to face his friend. Johnny eyes flicked from the paper he held gently in his hands, to Kid. There was barely enough light to read, the lantern was turned low, but it didn't really matter. He almost had it memorized. Johnny ran his fingers over the words and gave Kid a sheepish grin.

"It's from Moira. You feel like hearin bout it? Don't want to bore you."

Kid pulled his blanket tighter and switched to his back. He knew what his friend really meant. For all Johnny's loud ways, he could read people pretty well. He knew Kid missed his family, hadn't heard from them and didn't want to rub his news from home in his face.

"Course. Tell me everything." Kid answered, closing his eyes, preparing to listen.

"Well," Johnny started out, settling himself in to talk a while. "She wrote this after Christmas. Got here pretty fast. Her family, my family and the Hasburghs down the way all got together. Our three families have known each other for a long time, our parents knew each other back in the old country. The Hasburghs settled in Kansas first and then the Wallaces and finally my family. All Irish Catholics you know... there's a whole mess of kids between the lot of us... we all have mass together. Make up half the parish." Johnny paused there and waited for Kid's reaction. Kid opened his eyes after noticing Johnny's silence.

"Yeah, and?" Kid gave his friend a puzzled look, wondering why he had stopped.

"Oh nothin, it's just the first time I came right out and said my family was Catholic. There's lots of people who don't like the "papists". Weren't sure if you was one of them." Johnny said, examining the lint on his blanket. Kid let out a short laugh.

"I assumed you was from the first day I met you... and you know sometimes when you're surprised you let out a 'sweet Mary!'. Don't think you even realize you say it. Once when I was ridin for the Express we went with Teaspoon to help out an old friend of his from his days of being a Texas Ranger, only this friend wasn't a lawman no more, he was a priest and about as Irish as they come. Real stand up fellow, got him out of a pretty big jam. Sides, I rode with a colored free man, a part Indian and a girl pretending to be a boy, you think I'm going to be out of sorts cause you're Catholic?" Kid couldn't help but laugh again.

"I figured you'd be alright with it, but it's nice to know. I'm not as uh, good maybe as I ought to be, but you know, since bein in, I think more about that stuff. Gotta admit, you're more acceptin than me, I think I would've found it... strange to share that bunk house with folk from all walks of life like that." Johnny admitted.

"I think you would've surprised yourself, once you got to know em. People is just people... now, you was telling me about Christmas."

Johnny gave him a funny look, like he was rolling some idea around in his head, but finally he just shrugged and smiled.

"Well here's the big news. Moira's older brother Patrick has made his intentions known towards my younger sister Addie. Coward. He waits till I'm away to declare himself, he knows I would have tanned his hide just on principle."

Kid chuckled.

"Why, you don't like this Patrick?"

"Naw, aint that. He's probably one of my best friends. It's just that he's bound to have had some impure thoughts towards my sister and he'd need the reminder to keep his hands to hisself. She's only seventeen you know. Then there's the fact that he refused to join up with me. Said he means to stay neutral. Don't really know how that's possible. Either you believe in the necessity to fight this second war of independence or you believe in tyranny." Johnny sighed.

Kid smiled under his blanket. Johnny had total faith in his convictions. Months of drudgery and battle had turned many passionate believers into cynics. But Johnny, even his bullet wound hadn't dulled his fervor. Kid found it oddly refreshing, he couldn't muster up the same feeling anymore, but he found it refreshing all the same.

"Sounds like Patrick was just playin it smart, waiting for you to leave I mean. You pull a hard punch."

"I do at that, and Patrick's a scrawny one. He ain't much bigger'n you."

Kid sat up in his cot and turned to Johnny's grinning face.

"I ain't scrawny! Not everyone can be an overfed tree of a man!" Kid reached down and threw a dirty sock towards Johnny, who ducked and looked for ammo on his side of the tent.

"Well least Patrick has more sense than you... I'll show you overfed tree!" Johnny settled for his boot and launched it across the tent, it bounced against the canvas wall onto Kid's cot.

"Ugh! Did something die in these?" Kid shoved the horrible smelling boot on the floor. They both were laughing when Johnny suddenly stopped and held out his hand.

"Shh! There's someone outside the tent." Johnny whispered.

They heard a few footsteps followed by a hand opening the flap of their tent.

"If you are finished giggling like school girls, join me outside. I need to have a word with you." Captain Mitchell popped his head in to frown at them briefly and then disappeared just as quickly. Kid looked to Johnny as he got to his feet, unable to fully stand in their low hanging tent.

"You haven't done anything recently I should know about, have you?" He whispered as he wrapped his blanket around his shoulders.

"Just digging and marching, same as you." Johnny glared at Kid as he put on his boots and grabbed his blanket.

"Just checking."

Kid went out first, followed by Johnny. They held their blankets around their shoulders with one hand and saluted awkwardly with the other.

"At ease boys." Mitchell studied them with arms crossed and an unblinking gaze. Kid and Johnny both squirmed, they weren't used to the scrutiny. . Mitchell finally broke the silence.

"I've been away on assignment for a while and I've been meaning to ask you how your errand went for General Pillow."

Kid and Johnny looked at each other, unsure how to answer. Mitchell saw their hesitancy and sighed.

"I would appreciate your candor."

"Does that mean you'd like us to speak plain even if it ain't very flattering to the General?" Johnny asked.

"Yes. That's what candor means. I would like the details of your entire trip. Don't leave anything out."

"Why don't you tell him Kid, you're better at this sort of thing." Johnny begged off.

Kid made a face, but after mulling it over for a moment launched into the tale, leaving nothing out. Johnny jumped in a few times to accentuate the more harrowing parts and as well as their reception when they returned, recounting the General's curses verbatim. Mitchell couldn't hide his surprise.

"So you completed this journey of well over six hundred miles in the time allotted, despite unfamiliar territory, weather, a battle and one of you being wounded in this battle... all for some bourbon." Mitchell just shook his head. He regarded them again, his next question spoken quietly.

"Do you trust the General's leadership abilities?"

Kid and Johnny looked to each other quickly. Neither of them knew where Mitchell was going with this entire conversation, but they had a feeling it was very important. Johnny cleared his throat and answered.

"Truthfully Sir? No."

Kid wasn't going to leave Johnny out on a limb like that, so he added.

"The two of us have talked bout how we could get out from under General Pillow many times, still haven't figured out a good way to do it yet though."

"You boys got more than you bargained for in that card game, didn't you?" Mitchell almost smiled, he had heard enough to be confident in his next decision.

"I will put you out of your misery now and explain why I am so interested in your adventure and your opinion of the General. I have been transferred recently to Lt Colonel Forrest's Seventh Tennessee Cavalry, I was given orders to bring a company from this fort to meet his regiment at Fort Donelson. General Pillow recently has been given command there." Mitchell stepped closer to them then and lowered his voice.

"Without divulging too much I will say that Lt Colonel Forrest and I share your opinion regarding General Pillow's leadership. That is why I am putting in for your reassignment to my new company." He saw their look of surprise and the beginnings of smiles on their faces. He held his hand up.

"Before you get too excited let me explain in further detail. First let me say that despite my initial irritation over your poker stunt, I believe you will be a good fit for Forrest's unit. You are good horsemen and have performed well in an untenable situation, if all you say is true... and I do believe you, you do not need to defend your character." He said to preempt the argument he could see brewing in Johnny. "So perhaps I would put in to transfer you to my company regardless... but the fact of the matter is that as Forrest and I discussed General Pillow, I mentioned he had utilized you two for his errand to Bardstown. We agreed that perhaps you should remain close to him. Offer to help him again and agree to whatever he asks... Now let me finish," he said, noting their alarm.  
>"I want you to report to me first, before you do anything for him. Whatever you may or may not do for him will go through me. I also want you to be watching him, without seeming to be watching. He will not be as guarded around enlisted men as he is with the officers."<p>

Kid found his voice first.

"You want us to spy on the General?" Both Kid and Johnny looked at Mitchell in disbelief.

"In a word, yes." Mitchell said calmly, he couldn't help but smile at their astonishment.

"Well finally! Somethin that's not digging trenches or drilling!" Johnny said with a snort, then he turned to his friend.

"Kid? Whaddya say?"

Kid saw the gleam in Johnny's eyes and his usual infectious smile. He couldn't help but return the grin.

"We're in."

* * *

><p>"Kid you gotta tell em your idea." Johnny brought his new mount, a brown-black Tennessee Walking Horse next to Kid, sitting on a nearly identical horse. They had wondered where they would get horses to join Forrest's Cavalry only to learn Forrest was one of the richest men in the South, owning several large plantations. He had purchased the horses and supplies for almost his entire company. Kid and Johnny had only seen him from a distance since they had reached the Fort Donelson area on February 11th, the day before, but already they were in awe of their new leader, based on his generosity alone.<p>

"I don't know Johnny, ain't sure it's such a good idea." He said with voice lowered as they quietly rode in the trees with the rest of their company.

"Why ever not? You've seen it work, I've heard tale of it too. Can scare a man so bad, it's like to take the curl out of your hair, so I've heard."

"Oh I know it'll scare the Yanks, just can't shake the feeling Buck would be upset." Kid looked down and patted his horses' mane, avoiding Johnny's wide eyed, open mouthed look of disbelief.

"Kid" Johnny answered as if speaking someone especially dimwitted, "Buck ain't here, ain't within hundreds of miles of here. You gotta good tactic. Can't keep it back just cause some friend who'll never hear bout this anyway might get sore about it!"

"Sure I know..." Kid shrugged his shoulders, then he straightened up, his face hardening, lips in a thin line. "We ain't got much time, sounds like Grant's men are coming closer, they'll make the next ridge in a couple minutes here... have you seen the Captain?"

"He's ahead to your left... hurry up." Johnny slapped the flank of Kid's horse. Kid trotted up to Mitchell, gathering his courage. Mitchell caught Kid's approach out of the corner of his eye as he watched the horizon.

"Harris, we're about to run screen here, this better be important." He said through gritted teeth.

"It may be Sir. I have an idea how we could put some fear into the Yanks before we even get close enough to fight them."

Mitchell turned and cocked his head towards Kid.

"Tell me quickly."

"Well, it's something I learned from an Indian friend back on the plains in Nebraska." Kid said. Then, resolving to go through with it, proceeded to demonstrate. Mitchell blinked several times and noted nearly every soldier in the area had stopped their horses and whipped their heads around towards them.

"What the? That is a god awful noise, straight out of the pit of hell." Mitchell shook off his surprise, he allowed a small smile.

"An Indian friend from Nebraska you say?"

"Well yes, him... maybe a bit Lakota too."

"Ride the line and demonstrate this to the rest of our company, when Grant comes over the hill and we get the order to rush them, I want every man making that same noise as loud as they can."

Kid nodded and saw Johnny ride up beside them. The both rode through the rest of their company, quickly explaining what they were to do.

Minutes later the whole regiment broke through the trees to harass Grant's soldiers as they marched towards the fort. They zigged and zagged across the field, shooting off volleys, slashing with sabres and retreating back to the safety of the trees, slowing the Union march to nearly a crawl. Lt Colonel Forrest crashed back into the trees and raised his hand for Mitchell to wait.

"Good god Mitchell, do you have men riding with you or banshees?"

Mitchell was nervous for a second that he had overstepped his bounds until he heard his superior laugh.

"One of my privates, Harris actually, of that Bardstown errand, he heard this warrior's yell from an Indian he knew on the plains."

"Warrior yell, you say? Quite effective. Saw some Yanks damn near drop their rifles. Tell this Harris to show the rest of my troops... yes indeed, a perfect Rebel Yell" Forrest let out another short laugh before raising his sabre and galloping back out of the trees.

* * *

><p>Mitchell felt weary to his very bones. He pulled his coat closer to his body and walked up the hill to the barracks of Fort Donelson, where he was hoping to find his privates Harris and McBride. If it smacked of favoritism to the other soldiers in his command he was too tired to care. His decade of service as a soldier and his studies at West Point could never have truly prepared him for this, his first major battle as an officer. Though he had always suspected it was true now he knew, good soldiers are born, not made. The last few days had gone by in a blur of misery, fire, smoke, frost and death. It was all he could do to keep his wits about him and follow Forrest's battle plans which he had to admit were brilliant. Forrest exemplified the born soldier. He had very little formal education but he used tactics Mitchell had studied in books, only Forrest wasn't aware the tactics existed before he ordered them.<p>

Harris and McBride too, they were born soldiers, which is why he looked for them now. They had been Mitchell's and by extension, Forrest's eyes and ears for days now. It was the evening of the 15th, the fourth day of engagement. On the 12th Harris had taught their entire regiment a sincerely unsettling rebel yell, a cry that had been wholeheartedly embraced by the regiment as well as by Pillow's infantrymen. Mitchell could recall hearing of rebel yells out east, perhaps influenced by old Scots war cries, but this was the first time Grant's men were getting a taste of the tactic and it had visibly unnerved them. On the 13th there were small skirmishes as more and more Union soldiers moved into the area. Mitchell had Harris and McBride running back and forth doing battle with both his company and with Pillow's division.

The evening of the 13th had provided what Mitchell thought was a squandered opportunity. The temperatures had plummeted to dangerous lows that night, leaving all soldiers, both Blue and Grey colder than the vast majority had ever been. Hardly anyone had slept and when he looked over enemy lines on the morning of the 14th, he could see soldiers without coats, covered in a blanket of fresh snow, frozen to death where they sat. The weather had been so nice only a few days earlier some of the Union soldiers had thrown their blankets and coats off on their march. Forrest had bellowed to the four Confederate Generals in charge to launch an all out assault before more Union reinforcements came. They answered with half measures, Generals Pillow and Floyd thought the Fort was doomed and wanted only to secure a break out route for the troops before the Fort fell, but attention had been drawn away from this plan as the Union gunboats shelled from the river.

Finally on the morning of the 15th Forrest was able to convince Pillow to attack the unprotected right flank of the Union line. This is when, for Mitchell, Harris and McBride had proved their worth. All day long they fought, sometimes on their horses, sometimes off, with sabres, revolvers and even the occasional hand to hand combat... all the while keeping an eye on General Pillow. They watched to make sure Pillow and his men pushed forward and took a joke Forrest had made to them seriously, to check behind the trees. They thought quickly on their feet, watched each other's back and even if they felt it, they showed no fear. Mitchell was pretty sure they had no idea just what an excellent team they made and how they urged the rest of his men forward with their fearlessness. The entire regiment had gained sizable ground that day, enough to secure an escape route out of the fort, should it fall. That is why after a whole morning's worth of effort, Mitchell had to hold Forrest back from wringing General Pillow's neck when Harris had galloped up to them and breathlessly announced Pillow's men were falling back to the fort because Pillow felt his men needed to regroup and resupply before any breakout attempt was made. They tried three more assaults on the enemy lines but it was too late, their hard fought ground had been lost.

Mitchell cleared the hill and saw most of his company sitting too close to small fires. They all looked under dressed and frozen, exhausted and starving. A few managed to salute him as he walked past and he returned the gesture. He saw Harris and McBride from a ways off huddled by another fire. It may have been the sleepless nights, privation of food or the fact that for lack of time to shave both men had acquired the beginnings of beards, but to Mitchell they looked significantly different than the boys who wanted to play poker. They looked like hardened soldiers now, they looked like men.

Kid glanced up and saw Mitchell approaching them. He nudged Johnny in the arm.

"Look alive Johnny, Captain's comin our way."

"Wonder what fool thing they suspect Pillow of now?" Johnny muttered as he eyed Mitchell walking towards them.

"Can't be any worse than Pillow ordering his troops to withdraw this afternoon."

"I know it, could be celebrating the Yanks skedaddle by now."

Kid grunted in agreement as he threw another stick in the fire.

"Him telling us yesterday in the midst of a charge to go back to command to get him cigars was pretty bad too though."

"I was so surprised when you told me that, a Yank nearly ran me through."

"Well Mitchell put a stop to it, and you had the drop on that Yank by a good mile, don't know what you're complaining about."

Johnny was about to make some smart remark about Kid not knowing how to measure distance but shut his mouth as Mitchell stopped in front of them.

"Harris, McBride... A word?"

Both heads snapped to attention at the sound of his voice. With a quick motion both were on their feet. They were among the smart ones who had brought along full winter gear when they joined, including scarves and gloves. They had their blankets around their shoulders for added warmth. They saluted him and waited. Their initial nervousness around him was gone as they had begun to realize how valuable they had become.

"Sir?" Johnny asked.

"Come, let us step away, over to the trees."

Without another word they moved several yards away from the rest of the men.

"I spoke to Forrest a bit ago. He requested that I talk to you to specifically..." Mitchell was unsure how to continue, he sighed and rubbed his temples with his fingers. It had been a very long day and it was sure to be much longer before any of them would have true rest.

"I'm sure you realize how upset he is that Pillow withdrew this afternoon. We've lost the escape route and Forrest and I suspect that Pillow, Buckner and Floyd are now planning on surrendering."

"Hell." Johnny spat out. "If we had gone for their throats yesterday morning as they were all thawing out, the only surrender we'd be talkin bout is theirs." Johnny couldn't help but put voice to his frustrations. Kid nodded in agreement and frowned. Mitchell's face darkened.

"We are in full agreement on that point... It may be too late now however, more Union troops arrive by the hour. They may nearly double our forces of twelve thousand men by now. The Generals do not have the will for an all out attack, much less the courage for a siege. They talked of surrender last night and Forrest was able to convince them we still had the upper hand. He does not think he will be able to do so tonight... which brings me to why I seek you out."

Kid and Johnny leaned in to him, there was an edge of eagerness to their faces, despite their exhaustion. Mitchell continued.

"We'd like you to leave now, as quickly and quietly as you can and go along the river, perhaps along Lick Creek. We need to find a different escape route. See if you can find a crossing point that is not guarded by the enemy. If they mean to surrender in the morning we will leave tonight. I'll be damned if we spend this war rotting in a prison camp." Mitchell nearly growled his last few words. All visible signs of weariness left Kid and Johnny. Kid met Mitchell's eyes with a steely gaze.

"We'll leave now and we will not fail."

Mitchell felt a small amount of relief. He believed in them as much as he could in his current frame of mind. He gave them a curt nod.

"When you return, go to the Dover Inn. Forrest with meet you there. That is where I am sure Pillow and the rest of the Generals will be... warm by their fire, drinking their bourbon as they plan how to give Grant the biggest present of the war so far." Mitchell couldn't keep the disappointment and bitterness he felt out of his voice.

"Couldn't we at least let Grant take Pillow prisoner?" Johnny muttered as they walked back to the fire to grab their knapsacks. Mitchell let out a rueful laugh.

"Grant's too smart for that. He'd probably give him back."

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later they were on fresh horses and slipping as quietly as they could through camp. The last bit of twilight fell beneath the horizon. One piece of luck was on their side, it was a cloudless night and the moon was full, the few inches of snow they had received two nights ago reflected the light well. If they were going to make a break for it, tonight was the perfect opportunity to do so. They barely made a noise as they slipped through the trees and wove around the small hills. They could hear the Union soldiers in their gunboats on the river so they moved farther inland until they passed Dover and any sign of the enemy. They only spoke when they reached the banks of what they believed to be Lick Creek. It ran north and south into the Cumberland River.<p>

"I think this might be the spot." Kid whispered. He lead his horse into the partially frozen swamp leading to the creek. He halted his horse in the middle and called back to Johnny.

"Yep, come out here, bout three feet at the deepest point and no sign of the Union anywhere."

Johhny just shook his head and stayed on the edge.

"No thanks, I believe you. If Pillow stays true to form, I'll be feelin those icy waters soon enough."

Kid made a face at Johnny that he doubted Johnny would be able to see in the darkness and rode back to meet his friend.

"We should both cross and scout a ways on the other side, just to make sure there are no surprises before we tell Forrest this is the way to take."

"Fine, fine" Johnny sighed. They crossed and travelled about a mile on the other side before stopping.

"There's not a Yank for miles. The whole Confederate force could leave through this gaping hole." Johnny said in amazement.

"It's tellin to Grant's knowledge of Pillow and Buckner, that this is wide open. He knows how lily-livered they are. He's not expectin a break out attempt at all." Kid could only shake his head.

"Well, Grant don't know Forrest then yet. We'd better get a move on." Johnny answered as he turned his horse back the way they came.

They rode quicker on the return trip, now that they knew there was no enemy around and were more familiar with the terrain. Johnny rode closer to Kid and said seemingly out of nowhere.

"Some Valentine's Day huh? Probably the worst I've had in my life."

Kid blinked at Johnny in surprise.

"I suppose that was yesterday, wasn't it. Hadn't even occurred to me til you just mentioned it." Kid maneuvered around a low hanging branch.

"I believe I killed two men yesterday at least, a few more today. Certainly wounded quite a few... I don't have a scratch on me... I thought I'd be more broken up bout that, but alls I can feel right now is numb." Johnny's voice took on a bit of wonder. He looked up to the stars and seemed lost in his own thoughts. Then he turned back to Kid abruptly.

"Never did finish tellin ya bout Moira's letter. Last time I wrote, I asked for her to wait for me, said I knew now I'd never want no other. She answered me that she was agreeable to it... long as I hurried up and finished whippin Yank tail and came back to her. Said she's not the patient type and she'd get real sore at me if'n I made her wait too long." Johnny said with a sigh.

"I told you she was all spit and vinegar... course I wouldn't want her any other way." Johnny grinned, almost embarrassed to meet Kid's eye. Kid returned the grin. He could see the lights of Dover just up ahead.

"She'd have to be to put up with you. If we both get through this, I'd be happy to dance with her at your wedding."

"Ha! Like I'd let her dance with the likes of you, there's plenty of other pretty lasses you could dance with." Johnny snorted.

"Likes of me?" Kid laughed

"Well yeah, she's already curious about you and havin you close with your big blues and girly lashes? Oh hush, I have a right to be protective... Isn't that the Inn?"

Johnny pulled his horse to a halt as they saw a large house on the edge of town. There was smoke from the chimney and they could see light from the windows. A few Confederate guards stood by the main entrance. They dismounted and left their horses by the hitching post and approached the guards.

"Your names?" One of the older guards asked crossly.

"Privates Harris and McBride, Sir" Kid answered, raising his chin an inch.

"Ah. Lt Colonel Forrest is expecting you. He and the Generals are all in the main parlour, wait for him outside the door, until he calls for you."

Without another word the guard opened the door and let them pass. The warm air from inside the house hit them like a wave. It almost felt too hot, so long had they been living outside in the cold. They walked the main hall in a daze, their footprints leaving a wet trail behind them. They found a plush couch right outside the parlour door and heard the muffled voices arguing inside. It could be a while. They both sat down and were struck with overwhelming weariness as they grew accustomed to the softness and warmth of their seat. Within minutes they were both asleep. A few hours later they awakened to a bang and Forrest shouting their names. They sprang to their feet before they were fully conscious.

"Harris! McBride! You're here, good! Do you have the news I am hoping for?" Forrest asked, hands clasped behind his back.

Even in Kid's sleepy state he couldn't help but stare at Forrest in admiration. He was as tall as Johnny, but sleek; in a more fanciful moment he'd even say the man moved like a mountain lion, he certainly had the instincts of one. He radiated authority from the way he held himself to the way he spoke, always bluntly, usually at full volume. His eyes were a piercing dark grey, they seemed to take in everything, as they were doing right now.

"We do, Sir. There is a pleasing route right through Lick Creek, just as you suspected." Kid answered, blinking his eyes wide, his mind clearing rapidly. He could see the other Generals through the now open door, and just like Mitchell predicted, they were sipping bourbon in front of a roaring fire. Pillow leaned over to look to see who was at the entrance of the parlor.

"Forrest? What are you doing with my aides?" Pillow jumped to his feet and made for the door. Forrest's face hardened to stone, his barely contained rage threatened to boil over.

"These are _my_ aides Pillow. I'll not have you abusing your power again, risking their lives for your drink. They are under my command now." Forrest's lip curled into a sneer. He clenched and unclenched his fists and Pillow walked within swinging distance.

"You overstep yourself Forrest, you've been damn near insubordinate all evening long." Pillow's face reddened as he pointed his finger at Forrest's chest.

"Is it any wonder? How do you expect to beat back this Northern aggression if you lay down your arms every time an ill wind blows... and now you all agree to surrender... I did not fight my ass off to come here and surrender my command!" Forrest took a step back before he wiped the smug look right off Pillow's face. General Buckner got up from the table and stood between the two men.

"Forrest, we agreed you could take your entire regiment and some of Pillow's men too, if they are of a mind to leave... if you found an escape route. I take the presence of these young soldiers to mean a way out has been found?" He asked calmly.

"It does. I will take my leave of you _gentlemen_ now." He motioned to Kid and Johnny to follow him and he started to leave the room.

"All this cowardly talk makes me ill. Boys, they are going to surrender this place and I am going out of here before they do or bust hell wide open." Forrest spoke loudly as he marched down the hallway, letting his voice carry to the parlor. Kid and Johnny had been glued to their spots by the couch, mouth agape for the entire confrontation. They looked at each other then to Forrest's retreating form and broke into a jog to catch up with him.

* * *

><p>They rode back to the fort in silence but as soon as Forrest saw his men he started barking orders. Within seconds soldiers were leaping to their feet. Supplies were gathered at a run. Several Captains in Pillow's regiment agreed to come, they hastily made formation, preparing to march. It was two o'clock in the morning before Forrest and Pillow's men were ready to move out. Kid and Johnny moved to the front, riding with Forrest and Mitchell as they retraced their earlier path. They saw the looks of disbelief or jealousy from their other fellow privates and just stared straight ahead, hyper alert to make sure they didn't lead the company of over 1500 men even slightly astray. Kid could appreciate their disbelief, even he couldn't believe the important role he and Johnny had played in this whole battle. He was just relieved he had proven himself useful and not a coward.<p>

Soon they hit the creek. As Kid watched the cavalry and infantry troops cross in relative ease without any sign of Union troops, his overly tired mind started to wander. He mentally started writing Teaspoon a letter, telling him all about the several days of battle. How he had used Teaspoon's "bag of tricks" more than once to get out of harm's way. He longed to write that he hoped Teaspoon had forgiven him for leaving and fighting for the South. He wanted to say that he had fought with a courage he didn't know he possessed and explain his role in helping them all escape, in hopes it would make Teaspoon proud. Then he shook his head to clear it. He knew he would write no such letter.

The first rays of dawn lit the sky as the last man crossed the creek into safety. Those who crossed first were already miles ahead. Johnny and Kid rode to the front. There would still be no rest. They were on their way to Nashville to relieve the city of anything that possessed military value before the Union troops marched from Fort Donelson to their next obvious conquest. Forrest rode up to the two of them and tipped his hat in a show of respect.

"I may be a man of small praise, but know this. I will not forget your acts of bravery or how you helped find this route to safety... so many more could've have escaped had Buckner allowed it." Forrest frowned as he thought of the General who may have been at that very moment surrendering the fort to General Grant, allowing thousands of Confederate soldiers to become prisoners of war. Forrest then gave them a small smile.

"My good opinion is hard won, but once it is won, it is kept. Thank you."

Johnny and Kid could only salute and nod their heads at the man they esteemed so highly. Kid, to his horror could feel himself blushing. Forrest noticed and laughed. Then he turned and yelled so hundreds of soldiers could hear.

"Double time boys! On to Nashville!" Forrest pushed his heels into his mount and leapt forward while the rest of his men increased their pace.

"Just wait til I write Ma and Moria bout all this!" Johnny said to Kid with more enthusiasm than he should have possessed with so little sleep or food.

"Ma will near bust with pride."

Johnny grinned widely at Kid, then sent his horse into a gallop without seeing Kid's reaction. Kid's face fell, he was so worn out, emotions he usually pushed down threatened their way to the surface. His vision became blurry from unshed tears and he blinked quickly. He felt more homesick for his family back in Rock Creek at that moment than he had since the day he enlisted. There were times when he'd have a real rough ride and he'd come back to the warm smiles of his friends and Lou's open arms. Seemed like she always knew when he just needed her warmth and would hold him close, eyes shining with love for him. He had thrown it all way... not just with her, but with everyone. He was surrounded by hundreds of men and yet felt almost crushed by the weight of his own loneliness. For the first time he wondered if he was genuinely the world's biggest fool. You couldn't be embraced by a cause. He let out a heavy sigh, straightened up and hardened his heart. With a swift kick of his heels he urged his horse forward into the bright morning sun.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is pretty much how the battle of Fort Donelson went down. Two of Forrest's aides were the ones who found the escape route, which was only open because Grant knew Pillow from the Mexican war, in fact he did say if he had captured Pillow he would have let him go. Pillow did him more good "leading" than he did in a prison camp. Some of what Forrest says in the parlor are direct quotes from that night, including the one about busting hell wide open. ****A very colorful character, that Forrest.**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 18 (February 1862)

"Jesse hold on alright? Just try not to move too much and stay awake. We're gonna get you help in no time." Jimmy's voice was strangled, he squinted into the darkness at the boy sitting in his arms as he rode as fast as he dared. Jimmy's heart raced as he saw the red stain seeping through the bandages on the Jesse's chest.

"Feel like no man sittin like this, it ain't right." Jesse gasped through pained breaths. "I coulda kept my horse."

"Let hell you could. Not gonna have you loose more blood just cause you feel like you gotta prove somethin." Jimmy tightened his hold on Jesse's extra thin frame against the jostling of his horse. He swallowed hard, his stomach in knots.

"I am so sorry Jesse... I swear I had no idea she was following me. I wouldna never tried to find you if I knew I would be puttin you in even more danger." Jimmy pleaded. He'd beg for forgiveness if he had to.

"Hell I know that. The way you yelled at her to get out... I've never seen you so angry. I'm glad you're done with that bitch. Never did like her." Jesse said weakly, rapidly loosing his strength. Jimmy sighed.

"She'll stay far away, if she know's whats good for her... now will you shut up? You always did talk to much. Just rest and concentrate on not bleedin on me."

Jesse fell silent. Jimmy strained his ears and was relieved to hear Jesse's soft and ragged breathing. It wasn't like Jesse to so quickly obey.

"I've missed you Jimmy." Jesse whispered.

Jimmy felt like a knife was twisting his heart. God, if he had only left well enough alone...

"You haven't finished the job, have ya Hickok?" Frank James slowed his horse in the darkness and pulled up next to Jimmy. If looks could kill Jimmy would be dead in the saddle. Frank anxiously leaned in look at his brother.

"Leave him be Frank, ain't his fault."

"Yeah Jesse it kinda is... Frank, we'll talk on this later, we gotta get him to help first." Jimmy said before Frank could argue.

"Just as long as you two don't go shootin yourselves..." Jesse trailed off and leaned his head against Jimmy's shoulder. Frank pursed his lips together and sighed.

"We'll be crossing into Kansas soon. We don't got much further to go."

After another look at his brother, Frank flicked his reigns and went back to leading the way.

The whole night felt like a horrible dream. But Jesse bleeding in his arms from a gunshot wound just above his heart into his shoulder was very real. Rosemary... he had been the biggest fool. Everyone who knew and cared about him had warned him about her, but he had been too stubborn to listen. He had to think though that even her biggest critics would've have been surprised at how she had unravelled in the last several months. Jimmy couldn't help but cringe. Maybe that was his fault too. He had come back from Christmas changed, she had sensed it right away.

* * *

><p>"James darling, is anything wrong? Come back to me. You're thousands of miles a way my dear." Rosemary said as she linked her arm around his. They were walking in a field near their latest safe house. It was a warm early February day and the sun was shining. A dozen of Isaiah Burke's men were back in the barn. They had been fighting amongst themselves when Jimmy had gotten up abruptly and walked out. Rosemary followed him outside and walked next to him silently until she turned her sugary sweet voice on him. It grated on his nerves and he tensed to her touch.<p>

"I'm fine Rosemary, nothing's wrong. Just thinkin." Jimmy said with more sharpness than he intended.

"What are you thinking about?" She turned her face to his. He didn't looked at her.

"Nothing in particular." Jimmy shrugged, but he was lying. He was actually thinking how close he was getting to finding Jesse. As the rest of Burke's men rode back and forth over the border looking for Quantrill, Jimmy had quietly been asking about Jesse. Jesse and his big mouth tended to leave an impression on people. He was so close. He knew it. The last person he would tell about his search though, was Rosemary. He knew she'd never be able to see the boy beyond the fact he rode with Quantrill. It bothered him a little that he couldn't trust her, but not enough to force himself to confide in her.

Rosemary waited to see if Jimmy would say anything else, but he had fallen silent.

She stopped in her tracks. Jimmy walked a few more steps before realizing she was no longer next to him and sighed as he dropped his head. He was in for it now.

"You know what you _should_ be thinking about? Embracing your role as a leader to those men in that barn! You think I don't hear what they're talking about? They've noticed how detached you've been since you came back from that accursed Rock Creek. They need a strong hand and before that was you James. They feared you! When you said "ride", they'd ride. Now you sit back and say nothing as they argue about where to strike next. They wait for your say and you ride off to places without explanation... or you walk out of the discussion, just like you did now!" Rosemary flipped her hair over her shoulder. It was loose and wild looking, like she hadn't brushed it for days. That may have actually been the case. Each day she seemed to get more and more agitated and erratic. She had been sleeping poorly, her moods swung from high to low several times a day. It was getting exhausting. Jimmy turned to face her. He pulled his hat lower over his eyes and crossed his arms. His voice was deceptively calm.

"They are your men Rosemary. I started riding with you to continue my father's work. I stayed with you because I've been your man and I promised to come back. I ain't here to strong arm people into doin what you want them to do... and I'm tired of you pushin me that way." He leaned away from her and braced himself.

"Oh how I wish I was a man! You know I heard George and Donald talking about moving on? They were arguing about who they should ride with next... one of the Redlegs like Jennison, Montgomery or Lane, joining one of their cavalry units. They ruled out Montgomery and were saying maybe Jennison was too violent and Lane too power hungry. The talk went on and on. They didn't even care that I was right there in the room with them! Isaiah would be turning over in his grave to see his friends, his comrades in arms deserting like this!" Rosemary's voice increased in pitch until it almost painful as she paced back and forth in front of Jimmy.

"You can't force somethin that ain't there Rosemary." Jimmy put both of his hands on her shoulders to still her. His words echoed in his own mind.

"Don't you think there's other ways we could support this cause? Work with the underground railroad maybe. Freedom can be reached from many different roads. The road we're on is getting more violent by the day and that usually don't end well."

Rosemary just whipped her head up to him and glared. She shrugged his hands off and backed away.

"This is the only way I know James. This land needs to be cleansed of it's sin... sometimes that only occurs with the blood of the sinners. I thought you knew that. Of all people, I never figured _you_for a coward." She turned on her heel and flounced back to the barn. Jimmy's hands twitched. No man would have been able to push him that far without retaliation, but as Rosemary so frequently reminded him, she was no man.

* * *

><p>"Goodnight James... Happy Valentine's day." Rosemary turned down the lantern and rolled to her side of the bed, her back to him. She and her men had rode hard that day. Nathan had joined them in Westport, Missouri the day before. All of Burke's men had hit slave holder's farm that afternoon and liberated their three slaves, but not before shooting the owner, and setting his fields on fire. They had raced over to the other side of the border and set the slaves on a stage north with a few coins on their pockets as was their usual way. The safe house that night was an especially nice one owned by an older widow with several bedrooms. It was the first time Jimmy and Rosemary had been able to share a bed in many weeks. Normally Rosemary wouldn't have let him sleep until both of them were too satisfied to keep their eyes open anymore, but not that night. Jimmy turned his back to her with a grunt. He laid still but his eyes were wide open. She had been icier than he had ever seen her. He supposed it was because he had missed the raid and evaded every question as to where he had been instead. He had to accept the truth. In a bit, when he left to go meet Jesse he would not be coming back. Every single reason he had to stay was now dead.<p>

He hadn't been able to believe his luck. He had been on his way to Clay County, Missouri where he knew Jesse had some family and on his way his horse had thrown a shoe. He had been more irritated by the delay than anything and stopped at the first place he found, a one bar town called Farley. He brought his horse to the blacksmith to get a new shoe fitted and the blacksmith, a fellow named Enoch had been in a mood to chat.

"Well sir, I can tell you care for this animal a sight lot better than those two boys in here earlier today. They thew a shoe too they did, the younger of the two strutted up to me an said just to hand my tools over, he'd worked for a blacksmith before and could probably do a better job! You should have seen him, scrawny little thing actin like he was twice his size... and his brother just sneered and told me to get a move on or they'd just leave the horse and come back tonight. A real hurry they was in. Suited me just fine. Never could cotton boys too big for their britches."

Jimmy stared at Enoch as if he had grown two heads. He took a few quick steps forward.

"Did you catch the names of these two?" Jimmy asked carefully, trying to keep his voice unthreatening. Enoch looked at him in mild surprise and furrowed his brow.

"Oh James I think. Yep, the older said 'Frank James don't wait for no one', as if I should have heard of him before."

Jimmy closed his gaping mouth, his mind worked rapidly.

"Well if that don't beat all! Ma will be tickled pink to hear I'm in the same town as the James boys! We're old neighbors, but they moved on." He let out a laugh. "Those boys, always been scalawags... Enoch I sure appreciate you shoeing my horse all quick like you is, you don't suppose I could ask one more favor? If I could have a scrap of paper and pencil I'd like to leave a message for the younger one, his name's Jesse. I've got to get going now, but maybe we can fix a time to meet if'n you give them my note." Jimmy gave Enoch his most winning smile.

"Neighbors you say? Don't wish that for myself but sure, I can pass it on. Let me go find some writin supplies for you." Enoch wiped his hands on his apron and went over to his work bench and came back with paper and pencil. A half hour later Jimmy was rushing back to Kansas to meet the rest of Rosemary's men before evening fell. His note had simply read.

Jesse, it's Jimmy. If you don't believe it's me know I still am grateful for how you saved my life from Dobbins. I'm tryin to return the favor. Saw a real tall Oak over by the Platte River outside town, you can't miss it. Meet me there tonight. I'm going to try and be there by midnight. I'd like to just see you, but if Frank has to come, let him.

James Butler Hickok.

* * *

><p>Jimmy reached the tall oak by the river and pulled his horse to a halt. He was starting to doubt if Jesse would show up, maybe he hadn't come back for his horse today to get the note he left or worse, maybe he had and simply wouldn't want to see him. The full moon was high in the sky providing enough light with the dusting of snow on the ground to see as well as you could expect in the middle of the night. Jimmy dismounted and paced, rubbing his hands together and jumping around to keep warm. Leaving the widow's house had been surprisingly easy. He had been most concerned about leaving Rosemary's bed as she was a light sleeper, but she hadn't stirred. He had moved through the house soundlessly, a trick well learned from Buck and slipped out the back door. He was on his horse with his few possessions moments later. If he had any regrets it was that he hadn't seen the writing on the wall and left earlier.<p>

Now that he was waiting by the Platte River scanning the horizon, he wondered what he'd actually say to Jesse if he showed up. Ask him to go back with him and join the ranch? Tell him his momma needed him on the farm more than Quantrill needed him? It sounded weak even to him. How Jesse felt and acted was like looking back five years at himself. At that age all he had wanted to do was prove himself, feel like he was part of something important. Experience and loss had been hard teachers. Jimmy winced, he doubted he would've heeded the life lessons of another at Jesse's age. Maybe Jesse would be smarter. Jimmy closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. Cool, clean air filled his lungs, calming him. The river was swollen and free flowing. He concentrated on the sound of the water rushing by, the distant sound of hoof beats coming closer. His eyes flew open and he twisted his head to look behind him. His hands reflexively going to his colts. The two horses were right on top of him now.

"Jesse?" Jimmy said in disbelief, though there was no mistaking the James boys, even in the dark. They were both slight of build, but wiry. He could just make out their faces. He couldn't exactly see Jesse's cool blue eyes, but he knew they were staring at him intently right now. Frank had a swagger about him, even in his saddle. He was a little bigger than Jesse, but Jimmy guessed Jesse would catch up soon enough. Frank tipped his hat up and cocked his head. Jimmy could just imagine Frank's hazel eyes narrowing as he moved closer.

"Whaddya want Hickok?" Frank spoke first. He rode his horse between Jimmy and his brother, his hand obviously on his gun. Frank and Jimmy hadn't exactly seen eye to eye in the past and Frank looked none to pleased to see him now either. Jimmy looked up at Frank and gave him a wry smile.

"You still ain't sore I tried to have you arrested, are you?"

"There was no tryin about it, you _did _arrest me... and why would I be sore bout that when I could be sore at you bout the time you shot me in the arm!" Frank said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I didn't exactly leave our last meetin without loosin some blood neither and I was one of the lucky ones, Noah wasn't." Jimmy said through bared teeth, he could feel himself starting to loose his cool and he didn't even care, it had been too long since he had gotten angry and been able to do anything about it.

"You want to finish this Hickok? Maybe that's why you wrote your pretty little letter, to settle your score with me!" Frank was about ready to launch himself off his horse, but a gunshot stopped him cold. Jesse moved in still mounted, holding his smoking gun over his head.

"Quiet! both of you! I know yous got bad blood but I also know Jimmy enough to know he wouldn't drag us out here at night just to fight ya Frank. He'd call you out in the middle of the street for that... not none of this secret stuff!" Jesse's voice grew louder, he gestured with his gun from one brother to the other "brother" for emphasis. Then he turned his eyes to Jimmy, even in the darkness Jimmy could see the stormy expression on Jesse's face, still so much like a boy, but harder and leaner, if that was possible. Jimmy couldn't even imagine what he had been through the last several months.

"Why did you want to see me Jimmy?" Jesse finally asked, his gun still extended. It was the moment of truth. Jimmy hesitated, then said.

"Well I... I'm fixin on going back to Rock Creek. I was hopin you could..."

He wasn't able to finish his thought. The sound of horses approaching at a gallop made them all jump. One rider was a few lengths in front of the other and crashed through the river without hesitation. As the moonlight hit the rider's face, Jimmy felt his blood turn cold. The rider had gun raised, pointed at Jesse.

"No! God, no Rosemary! Stop!" Jimmy shouted as he raced towards her. It was too late. The sound of her shot thundered in his ears. Jesse let out a yelp of pain and slid off his horse onto the ground. Frank jumped off his horse, took aim and fired, his shot narrowly missing her.

"Frank! Don't shoot! I got her, see to Jesse!" To Jimmy's surprise, Frank listened to him and turned mid stride, running to Jesse's side. Jimmy reached Rosemary's horse just as the second rider cleared the river. He could see now it was his brother in law, Nathan.

"Have you gone insane woman? You shot Jesse, he's only a boy!" She dismounted her horse and Jimmy grabbed her by the arm dragging her toward Nathan, now running towards them.

"I know who he is. He's one of Quantrill's men now! Don't deny it James! Way you've been acting, I pretended to sleep and as soon as you left I woke Nathan and followed you. I knew you were up to something... but I had no idea you were capable of being a turncoat!" She spit out every word and struggled against his grasp.

"Jimmy is this true?" Nathan asked, looking completely confused.

"Of course not! Jesse ain't Quantrill's man to me, he's my friend... I was tryin to get him to come home to Rock Creek with me sos he'd be safer! How could you shoot him?"

"You were going to leave? Leave me? Bastard! How dare you!" Rosemary was shaking with rage.

"Answer the damn question!" Jimmy roared, inches from her face.

"I heard the shot, saw the gun in his hand and knowing he's the enemy... it was reason enough for me. This is war James! There are casualties in war! He marked himself as soon as he joined Quantrill's loathsome cause." Her eyes flashed as she leaned in, lips curling into the coldest smile he had ever seen. He could feel her breath in on his face. Jimmy jerked his hands off of her and jumped back. He felt his stomach turn. She may have just killed a boy and she was smiling. He knew she was deliberately trying to hurt him now. Jimmy whipped his head back to to Frank and yelled.

"Is Jesse alright?"

"No thanks to your whore! Get her out of here Hickok or I will shot her myself!"

Jimmy had no doubt Frank could kill a woman in cold blood. He steeled himself against Rosemary's shriek of outrage at the insult and turned her around, leading her back to Nathan before she goaded Frank into killing her.

"Nathan, get her out of my sight right now... don't know why you let her follow me out here, but let me tell you this, you've just seen the road she's headed down. If you love my sister and your son, you will get as far away from her as you can. Find some other way to fight the for cause, but don't follow her. She'll lead you all straight to the gates of hell." He growled, ducking as Rosemary swung to strike him, cursing as she did it.

"My God Jimmy, I'm sorry, I..." Nathan stuttered as he held on to Rosemary.

"You will live to regret this James, as God as my witness I swear it!" Rosemary fought against Nathan's hold and screamed in Jimmy's face.

"It wouldn't be the first time, but with you? No, don't think so. This will be the last time you ever see me... Nathan? Leave. NOW." Jimmy roared the last few words as he turned his back on both of them, making long strides towards Jesse.

"I must hate you know, James! I will never forget this! Traitor! Bastard!" She continued screaming curses as Nathan hauled her up on her horse. He grabbed her reigns and quickly lead her off the way they came. Jimmy could still hear her cursing him as her voice faded with distance. Jimmy muttered curses in return as he knelt by his friend.

"Jesse?" Jimmy crouched close to Jesse next to Frank and breathed a sigh of relief, if they found help soon, Jesse had good odds.

"You sure know how to pick em, Hickok" Jesse gasped as he struggled to sit up. Both Frank and Jimmy put their hands out to stop him. Jimmy gave Jesse a weak smile.

"Maybe next time I'll listen to well, everyone."

Frank rolled his eyes and scoffed. Jimmy turned to him.

"Believe you're more familiar with this part of country than me. We need to get him some help quick. You know a place?"

"Well no doc that I'd trust, but there's a farm not far from here on the other side of the border in Kansas. It's been a safe house for Quantrill before. Best choice we got."

Jimmy gave him a quick nod.

"Let's bandage him up then to stop the bleedin and go." Jimmy stood up to find an extra shirt he could use in his saddlebag.

"Who says you're goin anywhere with us?" Frank jumped up and blocked his path.

"I do Frank. Let him be." Jesse said as loud as he could.

Jimmy crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow at Frank.

"You wanna waste time doin this while he lies there bleedin?"

Frank opened his mouth to argue but finally sighed and moved out of Jimmy's way.

After carefully patching Jesse up Jimmy gingerly carried the boy and placed him on his horse, then he tied the lead for Jesse's mount to his saddle. Noting Frank's look of displeasure, Jimmy called over his shoulder as he mounted up behind Jesse.

"You know I'm stronger n you Frank. Not even goin to argue the point."

"Go to hell, Hickok." Frank muttered. "This way." He pulled his reigns to the right and they were off.

* * *

><p>Soon Jimmy started recognizing the terrain. They were just north of Leavenworth, a city he had visited many times. Nathan and Celinda had lived here once and recently he had rode through with Rosemary and her men several times. The name "Bleeding Kansas" was certainly appropriate around here. Frank refused to tell him any details other than they were close. Jimmy thought Frank would've blindfolded him if he could. Jimmy smirked at the idea of Frank even trying. In the distance he could see the dark outlines of buildings directly in their path. Jimmy gently lead his horse over to Frank so as not to disturb Jesse and asked.<p>

"This the place?"

Frank didn't answer directly, instead he glared at Jimmy.

"Any of your _friends_ ever show up at this farm and I swear, I will hunt you down and kill you."

"Frank, I ain't got no quarrel with you just now, and I certainly don't with the people livin there, who are gonna stick their necks out to help your brother. You got no cause to worry."

"Really? History would speak otherwise." Frank couldn't help but add.

"Shut. Up. You two are makin me hurt worse." Jesse hissed. Both Frank and Jimmy mumbled an apology.

"Truce Frank?"

"Yeah. Truce... Alright we're here. Take em to the barn. I'll go get help from the house."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Ta Ta Rosemary! Good Riddance! and here we go with Jesse and Frank again. Part 2 tomorrow! Let me know what you think! :)**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 19

Jimmy rode into the barn and spied the cots in the back right away, a tell tale sign they were at a safe house. Jimmy dismounted and laid Jesse down on one. He quickly brought the horses over to one of the stalls, noted there was fresh hay and turned back to Jesse. He'd finish caring for them later. He found a lantern and lit it. Now that he could see better he searched for supplies. He found a blanket and brought it back to Jesse and draped it over him, careful to leave Jesse's shoulder exposed. He held the lantern over the cot, getting his first good look at his friend.

"My god, Jesse, when was the last time you had a decent meal?" Jimmy tried not to look too concerned.

"Well, there's no Rachel ridin with Quantrill, that's for sure."

Jimmy made a sound of agreement. There were too few Rachels out on the road. He held the light over Jesse's chest. The bleeding hadn't slowed enough to his liking. He turned to go and see what was taking Frank so long when Frank walked in leading his horse, two others following behind. They were about his age, a young man and woman, definitely siblings. The man was a little taller than him, but slight of build with brown hair. The young woman however had long hair the color of fire. She was petite and slender, although it was hard to tell as she wore a robe and had a shawl wrapped around her shoulders. As she drew nearer he could see her pale skin and freckles. She stopped a few feet in front of him. She held up the lantern she was carrying and regarded him calmly. She had bright blue eyes. Jimmy couldn't explain it, but her presence made him feel better about the whole situation, perhaps because she seemed so unaffected by waking up in the middle of the night to help a boy with a bullet in his shoulder. Her brother looked a little more disgruntled. His suspicion was obvious as he frowned at Jimmy then Jesse laying in the cot.

"I don't know about this sister, you know how I feel about the way Ma and Pa have been supportin the cause... and look at this one" He said gesturing to Jimmy. "With those colts, he's obviously a gunslinger."

Jimmy was about to let this stranger know there was no time for this sort of foolishness when the sister beat him to it.

"Hush Patrick. We can talk bout your feelins later. This boy needs our help." She moved around both Jimmy and Frank and sat on the edge of the cot by Jesse.

"I'm Moira Wallace and this is my brother Patrick. Your brother tells me you are Jesse. I'm gonna poke around in your shoulder a bit. Sees if I can get the bullet out. It's gonna hurt something fierce. Would you like somethin to bite on?"

"I ain't gonna make a peep. You do what you gotta do." Jesse stuck out his chin defiantly, but Jimmy could see Jesse admiring the girl, even through his pain.

Jimmy almost smiled. This Moira was probably too old for him, but it would do Jesse some good to have a pretty girl like her nurse him.  
>The next hour was tense. Moira and Jimmy worked on Jesse's wound. Jimmy held Jesse still while she cleaned it. She ruefully said the bullet was too deep to remove and instead packed the wound with some healing herbs her mother kept on hand before wrapping the wound up tightly. By the end Jesse had passed out. Now that Jimmy knew Jesse would live he was thankful his friend had slipped into unconsciousness, sleep would be the best thing for him.<br>Frank came over and put another blanket over his little brother and stared at him. He turned to Moira and Patrick and said gruffly.

"Thank you. Don't know how I'm gonna repay this."

Moira gave him a small smile, she looked to her brother before answering.

"Well my brother may not agree with me, but the work you are doin with Quantrill is repayment enough for me. Folk like you and my Johnny are keeping liberty's light bright in these dark days."

Frank nodded and looked over her shoulder to Jimmy.

"She makes a lot of sense, don't she?"

Jimmy resisted the urge to roll his eyes as Frank gave him a cocky smile. Moira turned and gave Jimmy a puzzled look.

"You know I never did get your name, you are?"

Frank laughed before Jimmy could answer.

"Don't you recognize him? Why this is Wild Bill Hickok in the flesh..."

Moira's eyes grew wide as Patrick exclaimed.

"I knew it! I knew I recognized those colts. Moira, we don't need this sort of trouble."

Jimmy was going to attempt to defend himself when Frank continued.

"Oh it gets better, he just left his Jayhawkers to come see us, tell us how dangerous it was to ride with Quantrill when his lover came up and shot Jesse, ain't that right Hickok?" Frank laughed as he saw Jimmy take an instinctive step towards him, fists clenched. Jimmy then stopped, took a deep breath and shook his hands loose.

"Frank, _not now_... it's Jimmy, don't go by Wild Bill, seeing as it's all a pack of lies. Look Moira, Patrick you're good people. You've helped my friend. I'm not proud that someone I... knew is the one who shot Jesse, I sure as hell didn't want or expect that to happen...I don't mean you no trouble and I'll leave if you want me to, but I'd rather stay."

Patrick was about to say that leaving sounded like a fine idea when Moira held up her hand. She stepped closer and studied Jimmy intently.

"I believe you. You care for this boy, and you risked a lot comin here, knowing who we support. You may be on the wrong side of things, but I can see you're decent folk. When my Pa wakes in the mornin, I will tell him bout all this and you, Mr Hickok and I will tell him I think you should stay. He won't deny me. I can be very stubborn."

Jimmy smiled at her. She reminded him of Kid. She had the same air of Southern righteousness Kid had.

"Thank you Moira, I'm mighty obliged to you."

She nodded curtly and said to Patrick without taking her eyes off Jimmy.

"We have enough blankets for these boys?"

"Jesse's got the two that were in here. I'll go back to the house and get a few more... I'll be right back" He said pointedly towards Frank and Jimmy, he didn't like the idea of leaving his sister with these dangerous men even for a few minutes. Moira looked from Jimmy to Frank, then to Jimmy again.

"If you're a Jayhawker and Frank if you ride with Quantrill how in the world are you two friends?" She asked, unable to hold in her curiosity.

"We ain't." Jimmy said flatly, "I'm friends with Jesse. He lived in Rock Creek for a time when I was ridin for the Pony Express."

Moira's eyes flew to Jimmy's in total surprise.

"Rock Creek? You said Rock Creek? and you rode for the Express?"

Frank and Jimmy both looked at her in confusion, Jimmy answered her,

"Sure, our waystation moved there a while back, Jesse had a job with the blacksmith in town."

"What are the odds? Well he'd have to know him then." Moira muttered to herself.

"Um, know who?" Jimmy suddenly felt very tired. This woman was making no sense.

"My Johnny, the man I'm waitin for, he writes me often...long letters. He's made a very good friend. He was from Rock Creek too, ain't no Jayhawker though. He feels like me n Johnny. They joined up together and are stationed in Tennessee last I heard. His name is Kid. He rode for the Express too, you know him?"

Moira gazed up at Jimmy. Jimmy struggled to find words while Frank let out a snicker.

"Well if that don't beat all!" He laughed.

"Yeah I know him. Kid's like a brother to me." Jimmy answered softly.

"Really?" She said eyes narrowing "Reason Johnny first mentioned him is cause he felt bad for all the letters he gets from me and his ma... said Kid ain't got a one since they joined."

Jimmy let out a sigh and sat down on a hay bale. He didn't think it was possible to feel any more guilty than he had earlier, and yet here he was. He looked up at Moira's frowning face.

"You really want to hear the whys? It's pretty late. We could talk on it tomorrow." Jimmy hoped for a small reprieve.

"I'm standin here, ain't I?" She said dryly, arms crossed.

"Yeah Hickok, why don't you tell us a bedtime story?" Frank looked smug as he took off his boots and made himself comfortable on his cot. Patrick came in just then with the blankets and threw one at Jimmy and at Frank who promptly wrapped it around himself.

"What'd I miss?" He asked, taking in his sister's irritated expression.

"Wild Bill here knows Johnny's friend Kid, I've told you bout him, he's the one who never gets any letters." Moira replied coolly, not taking her eyes off of Jimmy.

"Really now? Small world we live in." Patrick said, matching her tone.

Jimmy let out a groan. He wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and motioned for the two frowning siblings to have a seat next to him.

"Please it's Jimmy... and if you want to know, well I'll tell ya. Kid and I, we knew we was on different sides of this war for a while, but we had an agreement we wouldn't let it come between us. Was his best man at his wedding to a girl I see like my own sister, Lou... well, Louise. Right after, a good friend of ours died in a skirmish between Union regulars and Pierson's raiders. Frank knows all bout that, don't ya Frank?" Jimmy couldn't help but shoot Frank a look, which Frank returned, managing to keep his mouth shut.

"Anyways, after Noah's death I thought for sure Kid would stay. But he was more determined than ever to go. He left two days after the express ended. Said he wasn't comin back and left without saying goodbye. He divorced Lou just before he rode out."

"Divorce... Sweet Mary." Moira said in disbelief, making the sign of the cross.

Frank sat half way up then, and looked at Jimmy in surprise.

"He divorced Lou? From what Jesse told me bout those two, seems like a fool thing to do."

"Well he did. Light a match and burned every bridge between the South and us... you see Lou would've never gone to Virginia like he wanted. She's very much on the Union side of things."

"It's a wonder they ever got married in the first place" Patrick remarked.

"Well we all hoped for more peaceful times. S'pose we know better now. Anyways, cause of how he left, I didn't know where to write... ain't nobodys heard from him and I wasn't sure what I'd say if I did write em." Jimmy leaned back, it was a release to talk about Kid, it had been so long since he had allowed himself to miss him.

"I have to say I'm surprised. Divorce? Man Johnny speaks of sounds so kind, a real straight shooter." Moira shook her head as she pulled her shawl closer.

"Oh he is at that. He's also stubborn, selfish, deaf to the advice of others... take your pick."

"Well now that you've told me all that, I feel even more keenly for him. He must be so lonely. He's made a great sacrifice for our cause." Moira reached out and gave Jimmy's arm a gentle squeeze, then she stood up.

"Patrick? what say we go back to bed before the roosters start crowin?"

"Past time if you ask me." Patrick said as he led his sister towards the barn door.

Jimmy stood up.

"Wait, Moira... you got a letter goin to your Johnny now?" He asked, his voice sounding slightly desperate. Moira stopped and turned around.

"I sure do, why?"

Jimmy looked to his boots.

"Well, I'd like to try and write Kid somethin, maybe Jesse could too, he knows him as well..." Jimmy trailed off and glanced up quickly at Moira, she was smiling at him.

"That sounds like a might fine idea. We'll work that out in the mornin after we all get some sleep. Good night." She nodded to them and followed Patrick out of the barn, shutting the door quickly against the cold.

* * *

><p>Jimmy made short work of taking care of his horse, as well as Jesse's but he'd be damned if he was going to do the same for Frank's. He stepped out of the stall, horse brush in hand and walked towards Frank's cot. Jimmy felt his temper rise as he caught Frank's eyes for a second, full smirk on his face before he closed them and turned his back on Jimmy.<p>

"You ain't sleeping, so don't pretend you is. Git up. Your horse needs attention." Jimmy lobbed the horse brush at Frank. It hit his back and bounced down on the cot. Frank quickly turned back around.

"Don't feel like it. In fact it seems the least you should be doin after nearly gettin my little brother killed." Frank sat up, throwing his blanket off as his feet hit the floor. Damn if he wasn't grinning from ear to ear. Jimmy took a few steps forward, flexing his hands.

"I've had a long day Frank, and I've been feeling like beating the tar out of someone for weeks. If I weren't more concerned bout Jesse dying, I'd have knocked you out hours ago, but, hell... kid's asleep now, ain't he?" Jimmy couldn't help but smile as Frank jumped up and walked towards him.

"and he'll stay asleep too... the only sound's gonna be me hitting you and you hitting the floor." Frank shrugged his shoulders and gave Jimmy his most cocky smile. That did it. Jimmy threw the first punch, it connected with Frank's chin and left him staggering back, but Frank recovered quickly and threw a punch of his own. Jimmy ducked as the punch went wide. Jimmy could see Jesse stirring out of the corner of his eye. He needed to finish this. He grabbed Frank by the shirt with his right hand and landed a solid hook with his left. With an "oof", Frank unceremoniously landed on his behind.

"Are we done here?" Jimmy cocked his head to the side as he crossed his arms.

"Not even close. Don't have to knock you out, maybe I'll just shoot you, next time your back is turned." Frank sneered as he brushed himself off and made a move to take his feet. Jimmy sighed and shook his head. He took another step forward and pushed Frank back down with his boot.

"No you ain't... and I'll tell you right now, I won't neither. You and I are going to have a real truce startin now, long as we're both here for Jesse. Much as it would make me smile to see you six feet under on account of Noah, you mean too much to Jesse and he means too much to me, so..." Jimmy reached down and offered Frank his hand. Frank glared at him but finally took it and stood up.

"That's real sweet Hickok, got tears in my eyes." Frank rubbed his jaw and straightened up. "Just so you know, you got lucky with that punch. Got some dust in my eyes. Could almost say you was cheatin."

Jimmy couldn't help but grin.

"So which is it? Tears or dust?"

"What? Shut up Hickok. I'm going to sleep." Frank sat down in a huff and laid back down, throwing his blanket over himself.

"Most sensible thing you've said since you rode up." Jimmy muttered as he took off his boots and carefully removed his colts, tucking them behind his boots. He laid down and was almost asleep when one of the horses let out a soft ninny. Frank's horse. The damn thing was still not brushed. Jimmy saw the poor creature had found some oats at least. The rest could wait until morning where he'd lead Frank by the nose to care for his horse, if he had to. Jimmy let out a small chuckle at the mental image and finally fell asleep.

* * *

><p>Jimmy awakened to the sounds of whispering children.<p>

"Jane I dare ya to poke him."

"No way Denny. You heard Pa. We's just to come and tell them Pa like to see em while Ma comes to care for the hurt one."

"What'd you give me if'n I touched his guns?"

Jimmy's eyes flew open at that. He bolted upright. The two children shrieked in surprise and backed up several feet. Jimmy grabbed his guns from where they rested behind his boots.

"Didn't your ma tell ya it ain't safe to play with guns?" He tried to look cross, he was still half asleep and very tired but the two redheads in front of him were as cute as buttons.

"Sure she has. We' weren't gonna play with them mister. Just touch em. They're pretty fancy guns." The boy said and the girl nodded seriously peeking out from behind her brother.

"Alright then, Jane, Denny is it? Why don't you wake up ol' Frank there and we'll go meet your Pa."

* * *

><p>The next few days proved several things to Jimmy. One, that he had been outside a family for too long and two, people were the same everywhere no matter what side of an issue you were on. He had meet all the Wallaces. The Father, the Mother and all six of their children; Patrick, Moira, Edwin, Cullen and the two imps Denny and Jane. He had met the McBrides and the Hasburghs too and heard more about Johnny McBride from his sister Addie, who was also Patrick's girl. The more he knew about Johnny the more thankful he became that Kid had found a solid friend in what had to be a miserable experience. He had laughed at Johnny's descriptions in a letter Moira shared of the monotony of enlisted life..."In the morning we drill then we eat, then we drill some more, followed by more drilling, then we set a spell, then drill, drill, drill. We eat again and for a change of pace we drill before we go to bed."<p>

As soon as Mrs Wallace saw Jesse that first morning she took to him like he was her own boy. She immediately insisted he move inside and set up a bed on the couch for him in front of the fire, paying no heed to the boy's protests that he was man enough to get better in the barn. He quieted down though after Mrs Wallace started to feed him her delicious cooking constantly, insisting the boy would leave her care only after he put some meat on his bones. Jesse put on that all this attention was a bother, but Jimmy could see the smiles he tried to hide as he was fussed over by Mrs Wallace and Moira. Jesse was especially fascinating to little ones and he would let them talk his ear off without complaining.

Jimmy hadn't been sure if Mr Wallace would heed Moira and let him stay, but sure enough Mr and Mrs Wallace extended their hospitality, albeit hesitantly at first. Jimmy decided he'd stay about as long as Frank. After that first night they both tried to stay out of each other's hair. Jimmy especially tried to make himself useful around the farm while Frank spent more time talking to Mr Wallace about Confederate politics. Jimmy would make himself scarce when the topic came up, it wasn't something he could stomach for very long. Jimmy spent more time just talking with Jesse than he could ever remember. He decided to avoid asking Jesse about Rock Creek until he was ready to leave as he knew it would be a hard discussion for both of them.

* * *

><p>It was February 23rd, a Sunday and they had been with the Wallaces just over a week. Jimmy could see Frank was getting antsy. He knew the feeling well, it was time he stopped imposing on this hospitable family and move on. He had been sitting with Patrick and Moira at the kitchen table and heard Frank and Jesse arguing about Frank leaving. Frank insisted Jesse follow Mrs. Wallace's instructions and stay with them for a month or so to fully heal up. Then Frank would come back from him. Jesse was in full pout and whiney as all get out but he finally accepted it. Frank decided he'd write a couple lines to Kid, even though he had never met the man. He handed the note to Moira and said his goodbyes. After taking in Jesse's sad face, Jimmy followed Frank out to the corral.<p>

"You _will _come back for him, right?" Jimmy finally asked after they walked along in silence.

"Hell Hickok, you know I will. I need him by my side. I'm not a total fool, I'll give him some time. I know he needs to rest here before he can go back to ridin."

"I'm fixin to move on here myself today. You know I'm plannin on talkin to Jesse bout moving back to Rock Creek after he's better." Jimmy stopped and looked Frank square in the eye. To his surprise Frank smiled.

"Yeah I know. It's nice to know my little brother's got folk out there that care bout him almost as much as I do, even if it is the likes of you."

"That's mighty generous, comin from you." Jimmy raised an eyebrow, he and Frank had been getting along almost too well, and now Frank was damn near complimenting him. There had to be a catch.

Frank smirked, taking in Jimmy's sceptical expression and got on his horse.

"Jesse made me promise mornin after you cheated in our fight to act real friendly and forgivin to you or he wouldn't go no where with me. Knew he was bluffin, but I decided to humor him all the same. Spose it _was_ that bitch that pulled the trigger and not you, though it's almost as bad you were fool enough not to check an see if you was bein followed... so don't think this makes us friends or anything. I'd just as soon as shoot you on sight next time our paths cross."

Jimmy let out a laugh, now it all made sense, Frank's one redeeming quality was his genuine care for his brother.

"I didn't cheat, you had dust or tears in your eyes, remember?"

"Not how I remember it." Frank let out a little smirk.

"Maybe I can refresh your memory, next time our paths cross."

"I'll look forward to it, believe me."

"Alright then."

Frank tipped his hat to Jimmy and urged his horse to a gallop with a yell and a dig of his heels. Jimmy just shook his head and walked back to the house. While he didn't believe he'd ever call Frank James friend, he was surprised to realize he wouldn't call him an enemy anymore, either.

* * *

><p>Jimmy walked into the house and back over to Jesse's side. Jesse was laying down on the couch and had his good arm over his face. Jimmy sighed and looked around. Since it was Sunday morning most of the family was in town for Mass. Moira had volunteered to stay and look out for Jesse and Patrick declared he was staying to look out for Moira. She was over at the kitchen table knitting away while Patrick had just left for his room to go read a book. Now was as good a time as any to talk to Jesse and say his goodbyes, but he felt rotten doing so. Jesse was obviously already upset that Frank had just left. Jimmy pulled up a chair next to Jesse's makeshift bed on the couch.<p>

"Jesse?" He finally asked.

Jesse lowered his arm and blinked rapidly, lips quivering until he pressed them together to stop the tell tale sign of emotion.

"You've come to tell me you're ridin out too, ain't ya. But that you can come back to take me to Rock Creek as soon as I've mended." Jesse said the last part as fact. Jimmy leaned back in his chair, dropped his head down slightly and gave Jesse a one sided smile.

"Guess you figure you're pretty smart now, huh?"

"Well you've been sayin it, even from the time I first got your note, just not in so many words."

"Spose I have at that. Well, what do you say?" Jimmy said slowly, he knew the answer even before he asked the question. He still felt compelled to ask anyway and hear what he already knew.

"Know what I say? Even though this bullet's hurt me worse than anythin has before and laid me up like some kind of baby... I'm alright with it happenin."

Jesse dropped his eyes and bit his lip before continuing.

"You and Frank is almost friends now" Jimmy let out a snort and Jesse smiled quickly before continuing, "no, you is... and this is the most important I've ever felt to either of you. Like I's really your brother and not some pest botherin you back in Rock Creek."

"You weren't a pest." Jimmy protested.

Jesse gave him a disbelieving look and Jimmy put his hand up.

"Alright you were a pest... but you were also always important... to all of us, and to me. You're family Jesse... I haven't done a good job of watchin out for you, that's for certain" Jimmy's face darkened as he glanced at Jesse's bandaged shoulder. "but I do think it would be better for you to go back. Let us be your family again."

"You're probably right, it would be better to go back. I miss Teaspoon and Lou especially. I'd like to meet her baby... Oh and don't worry, I didn't mention a word about it in my letter to Kid." Jesse cut off Jimmy before he got another warning not to spill the beans. He took a shallow breath and continued.

"I know I'm still scrawny and young. Maybe I'm not much use to Quantrill yet, but I will be. Missouri needs to be defended and I need to do this... someday I'm gonna be someone, Jimmy. Just like you."

Jesse was looking at him defiantly and it was all he could do not to shake the boy. Why would anyone ever want the same type of reputation he carried?

"That's a fool thing to say Jesse. I'm alright now if someone comes for me, cause I'm young and quick. What bout ten years from now? That road looks so dark I hardly ever peer into those shadows too closely. It could be different for you."

Jesse blinked at his friend in surprise at the deadly serious way Jimmy described his future.

"Maybe it coulda been, were it not for this war, but Frank rides with Quantrill, and even though Quantrill may not need me yet, Frank does. We're a team, him and me."

"Even to the bitter end, Jesse?" Jimmy asked quietly, leaning in, his hair falling forward partially covering his face.

"Course. You'd do the same wouldn't ya? For Buck, Cody, Lou...Kid?" Jesse's eyes were wide and innocent. Jimmy just shook his head and smiled.

"I would, and have... I'd do the same for you." Jimmy saw Jesse nod solemnly. He felt a lump in his throat, he took a deep breath and continued.

"I'm gonna leave now, I spect you'll go with Frank but know alls you ever need to do is get word to me, if you're ever in trouble, you got that Jesse? and you will always have a home in Rock Creek... no matter how bad this war gets."

"Well you know what they say, it'll all be over by Christmas" Jesse gave Jimmy a wry smile. Neither of them really believed that anymore. Jimmy stood up to leave, but before he took one step, he looked back down at Jesse. He couldn't help but add,

"I have to say it again, before I leave. I'm sorry Jesse. Sorry about Rosemary. I'm sorry I didn't protect you." Jimmy couldn't look anywhere but the floor.

"Jimmy. I forgive you for havin horrible taste in women, alright? Forget it. I have."

Jimmy glanced up and read Jesse's face. The kid really meant it. Jimmy shrugged.

"Will be a long time before I forgive or forget it, but I appreciate you bein able to."

"Oh don't get me wrong. Next time me or Frank see her? Not gonna be her best day." There was no jest in his tone and the hardness to his face was back

.  
>"Maybe for all our sakes then, she'll stay far, far away... Mind Mrs Wallace now."<p>

Jesse rolled his eyes and Jimmy smiled, he fluffed the boy's brown curls as he walked around the couch to the door. He was about to call Moira over to say goodbye when she jumped up from the table, stuffing whatever she had been knitting into her apron pocket.

"Jimmy, wait. Let me grab my shawl. I'll walk with ya to the barn." Moira then spun on her heel and ran to her bedroom on the other side of the house. She was back a minute later, blue shawl wrapped around her shoulders. Jimmy held the door open for her and she slipped under his arm and hurried outside. Jimmy looked back at Jesse.

"Till next time Jimmy."

"Till next time."

Jimmy held Jesse's eyes for a moment, unspoken words passing between them. He had hope for next time, that it would be in more peaceful circumstances... but even if it wasn't, he knew they'd be able to step outside the struggle around them and meet as family. With a final smile towards Jesse, Jimmy walked through the door and let it close behind him.

* * *

><p>"Do you have your letter for Kid?" Moira asked as she shifted from foot to foot. She hugged herself and rubbed her arms against the chill in the barn as she watched Jimmy pack up his belongings.<p>

"Damn it woman, you know I have... you watched me struggle over it, till I had to come out here to finish it, so's I could think what to say." Jimmy bent over and pulled a folded piece of paper from his saddle bag. He grinned at her as she snatched it from his hands.

"Just want to make sure I got a finished one, before you left is all" She made a face at him and carefully folded the letter again before putting it in her other apron pocket.

"Already got Jesse's and Frank's now... wanted to make sure I had everything fore I go to the post tomorrow."

"Well I made sure to write in there to 'tell Johnny that I met his Moira and that I say, 'good luck'". Jimmy laughed as Moira let out a little gasp of indignation.

"I'm startin to see the reasons Kid never told Johnny he knew Wild Bill" Moira smiled then raising one eyebrow. "Oh Jimmy don't frown so, your face will stay that way. You tease me, I tease you. Fairs fair... I've almost a mind not to give you your goin away present."

"Present?" Jimmy gave her a puzzled look and stopped doing up his bed roll. Moira tossed her long, bright red braid over her shoulder and smiled mischievously.

"Sure, can't have you leavin without a goin away present. Know it's a bit late for Christmas, but in my defense I didn't know you then. This is one of the things Johnny got and I made one for Kid too, so now you'll match." She took her knitting out of her pocket and placed it in his hand. Jimmy looked down and felt the soft yarn between his fingers. He held it up and couldn't help but smile at the color.

"A cap? A _grey_ cap? It'll go mighty nice with the blue scarf and blue socks my sister knitted me for Christmas."

Jimmy took off his cowboy hat and pulled the knit cap over his ears. From the look on Moira's face he could tell the cap didn't have the same effect as his usual hat, but he had to admit it was warm.

"Well maybe someday you'll get your colors figured out... stop walkin around thinkin your dark is light. That sort of thing."

Jimmy didn't answer her, instead he put his hat on over the cap and brought his things over to his waiting horse, he could hear Moira following him.

"You're not sore is you? I mean, we've managed to become friends even if we can't see eye to eye on this whole war thing at all."

"Actually, that's just it. You're a surprisin person Moira. You probably should've kicked me out here first night, especially after you found out who I am. Don't know why you didn't but I'm glad. You got a real nice family here, won't ever be able to repay you for how you you all took Frank and me in... and with Jesse now, well you're bout as close to saints as I've met in a long time." He hesitated then and reached into his coat pocket. He took something out and touched her hand.

"I know this ain't much, but it's most of what I got. Tell your folks thank you for all their troubles carin for Jesse." He placed some coins in her open palm and closed her hand, giving it a squeeze as well as a look that bore no arguing. Moira looked ready to argue anyways, but finally just smiled.

"You're like the Good Samaritan, you know that? Who would've thought..."

Jimmy grunted and lead his horse out of his stall and pulled himself into his saddle.

"Never heard of em." Jimmy muttered. Moira took in his expression and giggled.

"Oh I'm not teasing you this time. It's in the Bible. I was giving you a compliment."

"Hmmph. First time anyone's said I'm like someone from the _Bible_."

"Well, you're a surprisin person too, Jimmy Hickok."

Jimmy didn't know what to say to that so he just smiled.

"So you're back to Rock Creek then? Shouldn't take you too long from here." Moira asked as she walked along side Jimmy and his horse as he exited the barn.

"I thought so, but you know I think I'm gonna go out further west a bit. Visit some old friends first. Need time to be alone I think. Clear my head... bet this Samaritan fellow never had a Rosemary." Jimmy couldn't help but grimace mentioning her name. He wished Moira hadn't learned the whole sordid tale. There was nothing in it he'd want a good girl like her to know but Moira turned her big blue eyes to him and there was no mocking or judging to be found there.

"No one's perfect. Not even my Johnny, or maybe especially my Johnny. Point is, you've done right by Jesse... I sure hope you find what you're lookin for out there, visitin your friends."

Jimmy nodded at her, then looked around, taking in his surroundings. It was cool but the cold bite in the air had faded, the sun was bright and the snow had melted off. The day looked as promising as any for travel. He needed to get a move on.

"Thanks for the cap Moira, it's a nice thought, me n Kid wearing the same thing. Odd way to get it though. Johnny's probably goin to be able to knock Kid over with a feather when he gives him your package from us." Moira laughed and nodded in agreement. Jimmy continued,

"Give my thanks and my farewell to your family."

"I will... maybe we'll meet again someday Jimmy."

"Stranger things have happened" Jimmy said motioning to the cap he was wearing. They both smiled as Jimmy gave her a wave goodbye which she returned. With one last look at Moira and the house where he knew Jesse would be safe as long as he stayed, he lead his horse into a trot and headed west.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Did you catch the Breakfast Club shout out? see if you can find it :) Yes Johnny's Moira. It IS a small world, couldn't resist meeting her after Johnny talked about her spunk. Don't think this is spoiling anything, next stop for Jimmy is a Sam and Emma visit! I hope you like it. Thanks so much for all your kind feedback and faithful reviews!**


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 20 (February 1862)

"It was a beautiful wedding, wasn't it? Well, _weddings_, really. Teaspoon pulling Rachel to his side after giving the Bride away and asking the preacher if there was room for two more... I think they managed to shock all of Rock Creek" Buck cast a sideways glace to Lou sitting next to him on the buckboard as they headed home to the ranch.

Theresa and Jeremiah rode in the back. It had been a long day of making food, setting up tables and decorations, the actual wedding and then the party afterwards. Everyone was tired, Lou especially. She had been extra quiet and distant throughout the day. He figured it had to be hard on her, remembering her own wedding and how all that turned out, much less running around helping as much as she had with her ever growing belly. Lou blinked a couple times and pulled her lap blanket up to her shoulders.

"Hmph... at least all the old biddies can quit their yammering bout Teaspoon and Rachel livin in sin. S'pose doing it like that fits Teaspoon's dramatic way. I'm just glad Rachel was game for it and that Amanda and Janusz didn't mind sharing their special day."

"There could have been a blizzard outside, no food and no guests and I think Mr and Mrs Tarkoski still would've been happy." Buck couldn't help but smile remembering the goofy grins both Amanda and Janusz had worn all day.

"I know. I've never seen a bride so happy... including myself I think." Lou muttered. She saw the questioning look on Buck's face and quickly continued.

"It was meant to be. She wanted to get married quickly and here comes Valentine's day, right on a Friday. You know what my favorite part was though? Aside from watchin every single mouth drop open when Rachel and Teaspoon stepped forward to get married too? As I was standin up there like some sort of moose in a dress watching Amanda float down the isle, she only had eyes for Janusz, and his face... that was my favorite part. His face looked like some flower reaching for the first bit of light from the morning sun." Lou dropped her eyes. She rarely voiced such fanciful thoughts. Buck raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"You're pretty in your dress, not like a moose at all" Buck elbowed her gently "but you're right. That's exactly what he looked like, that's a beautiful picture Lou" He leaned towards her to try and catch her eye. She shifted uncomfortably on the bench, brow furrowing slightly.

"Well, it's all Shakespeare's fault, way we've been reading him all winter... " Lou looked behind her and saw in the low light of twilight Theresa leaning in to Jeremiah, eyes closed. Jeremiah's unfocused gaze showed how tired he was as well as he stared into the darkness. Lou turned back around. Jeremiah had managed to dance with quite a few young ladies from town. He had balked initially when Buck and Lou had approached him right after Christmas and said that since the ranch was up and running, there was really no reason why he shouldn't go to school at least for another year. He had grumbled and complained the night before his first day, but came home oddly silent on the matter. Rachel confirmed what they had suspected. There were several pretty girls in his class and they were very friendly to him. Seems like you couldn't throw a stone without hitting someone falling in love, in love, or comfortable in a lasting love. It made Lou grumpy... and then there was that whole conversation she had with Amanda last night to consider...

"Com'ere, you're tired." Buck said as he lifted his arm over Lou's shoulder. Lou thought about resisting for a second, this was not helping her disprove Amanda's theory, but instead she sighed and scooted in to his warmth and allowed herself to relax. She let her mind drift to the night before as the steady rhythm of Buck's breathing soothed her.

* * *

><p>"Can you you believe it? By this time tomorrow night I will be Mrs Tarkoski! and we'll be on our way to our Honeymoon!" Amanda did a little twirl around her room above the saloon and then bounced down onto the bed next to Lou, who, as the maid of honor, was spending the night. Lou giggled. Amanda sat cross legged in front of her surrounded by a white lace gown and white silk robe, part of her wedding trousseau. In the corner of the room hung her actual wedding dress that was more of the same; beautiful, white, silk and lace. Amanda's cheeks were pink and her eyes bright, her joy was contagious.<p>

"What I can't believe, is that the first time Jausz will be seeing all this," Lou said teasingly as she reached over to feel the lace hem of Amanda's gown, "is tomorrow night after the wedding!"

Amanda groaned and flopped down on the bed. Lou laid down next to her, scooting from side to side until both she and her belly were comfortable.

"I know! It's a new experience for me, that's for sure. Always said I was a lady, Janusz is the first man to really treat me like one, even at his own expense. After he proposed to me, I made it clear he could move his things out of the back of his shop and stay with me, but he wouldn't hear of it. Said it didn't matter if we had shared a bed with others, when we shared a bed together for the first time, it would sacred, blessed by God even. Why do you think I rushed this wedding? Every night those goodnight kisses get a little longer... it's about driving me mad!"

Lou had to smile at Amanda's honesty.

"Well I'm glad you'll get that one night in a hotel before going on to Janusz's sister's house in Iowa. That's going to be a long trip and then once you reach that house full of family and kids? You ain't gonna have much privacy."

"Oh I know. Doesn't matter, I'll make use of the privacy we get, I'll get creative if I have to! and I'm just so happy he'll get to see his family... it's been such a long time since he saw them last. I want to meet them anyway. They'll be my family too now."

Amanda reached over and gave Lou's hand a little squeeze.

"I'll be getting a new sister tomorrow, but know you were there first."

Lou struggled to sit up and met Amanda's heartfelt gaze.

"Amanda, I don't, well I mean you know how much you... um, thank you." Lou felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes. She glaced up at Amanda and saw the same. Before Lou could move away in embarrassment Amanda wrapped her up into a hug, and after a second, Lou hugged her back.

"It's meant a lot when you've stopped by during the day. I know it takes you away from your work, but with Buck being a deputy now and Jeremiah off at school with Theresa during the day, it's been lonesome out there lately." Lou eyed the floral pattern on the bedspread. She had been more lonely than she'd ever truly admit.

"Rachel was telling me all bout Jeremiah complaining he's too old for school, which he's not by the way, but that he went, dragging his feet the whole way."

"Did she also say what he was like after his first day? Nary a complaint. Seems he sits with several pretty girls." Lou chuckled as she rolled her eyes. Amanda joined in the laughter, but her smile faded.

"I'm glad work has picked up in the Marshall's office for Teaspoon to finally be able to hire Buck on, just wish it wasn't on count of the Indian troubles out west of here."

"Yeah, he don't tell me much bout his deputy shifts, I've taken that to mean there's not much nice to tell." Lou muttered.

"Hmm, well I might able to fill you in on that a bit, but I think it will get better for him now that Cody's unit has moved further out west."

"Really? Why? Wish Cody wasn't moving on, I'm going to miss him. We all will... Cody was pretty upset about missing the weddings." Lou asked sleepily, she leaned back and propped herself up on a pillow.

"Yeah it has nothing to do with Cody. I wish he was able to come too. It's some of the men in his unit. You may not have heard much about them, but there's two big brutes especially, what are their names? Privates Steele and Ford. They come into my saloon, they're born jackasses anyways, and when they get drunk they're near insufferable. They talk about how many savages they're going to hunt down and kill, then they start to hassle my girls. My barkeep Zeke near always throws them out in the street and then more often than not Teaspoon or Buck have to drag them over to a jail cell till they sleep it off, not before they take a few cheap shots at Buck though." Amanda sighed and shook her head.

Lou narrowed her eyes and frowned.

"They're gone though you say? That's too bad. Would've been nice to knock some sense into them. I really wish he had told me he was going through that."

"That does seem odd, I know he'd be more likely to tell you things than most anyone else." Amanda looked at Lou closely.

"I know. We do talk, but not as much since the deputy job. When he's around he's doing ranch chores. There's still lots of daily things that need to be done that I can't do anymore. Makes me feel large and useless." Lou let out a little grunt in frustration as she motioned to her belly.

"He probably just doesn't want me frettin. I think when he gets home he just wants to be around peaceful things and not worry about what may be happening with the Indians out west that he can't do nothing about." Lou then let a small smile creep onto her face.

"He helps Jeremiah with his math homework or listens to Theresa go on about her kitten's newest adventures. But his favorite thing is when he gets all comfy on the couch and I read Shakespeare to him. I just sit next to him and read out loud to my heart's content. He leans back with his eyes closed, not saying much and I wonder if he's fallen asleep, but then he'll smile at some of the funny parts... so I guess he likes it." Lou blushed slightly.

She wasn't telling Amanda everything, like how she'd look forward to reading to him as she worked, skimming the book before he got home to find the best parts she knew he'd like. Or that when she sat close next to him by the fire reading, it was her favorite moment of the day.

Amanda noted the blush and cleared her throat.

"I'm sure glad it's going to work out for you and Buck to stand up for me and Janusz and Teaspoon and Rachel. When we first hatched this plan a while back, we all agreed there were no two people we'd like to have by our sides more." Amanda said as she got up to put a few more items in her trunk.

"Wish I wasn't the size of a cow, but yeah, there's no place I'd rather be, than standing for you... and Rachel. Sides it will give me the best view of everyone else when Teaspoon has Rachel join him up there. They'll be so surprised, jaws will be on the floor." Lou said with a small chuckle. Then she stopped suddenly and put her hand on her stomach and let out a little gasp.

"Amanda! Quick, put your hand here! Oh the wee one's kicking a lot today, you should be able to feel that real good." Lou took Amanda's hand as she sat down and put in on her belly. Amanda felt the movement and laughed.

"Hello little one! I can't wait to meet you!... Lou, I can even see the kick! Does that hurt?"

"Only when she gets wedged up under my ribs... I'm callin her a girl today, tomorrow maybe I'll call her a boy, anyways watching this baby squirm is quite the entertainment at home. Even Jeremiah likes to watch the baby kick... and Buck will put his hand on my belly like you just did and say hello in Kiowa. He's certain she hears and understands him." Lou's face softened at the memory.

"I can't wait till that's me and Janusz" Amanda smiled, then she leaned back and looked at Lou seriously.

'What is it?" Lou asked, noticing Amanda's frown.

"Well... I've just been wondering for a while now, have you and Buck talked? about your future together?"

Lou's eyes grew wide and flew to Amanda's. She was deadly serious.

"I don't know what you mean. He's my friend, we run a ranch together."

"Oh come on Lou, really? Haven't you thought about this? In a couple months this blessed little baby will be joining you out on that ranch. You're going to be a wonderful mother. Jeremiah and Theresa are going to make a great aunt and uncle. Teaspoon's going to be that child's grandpa just as if he was her blood kin... Who do you think is going to be caring for that baby like a father? Who is that baby going to call "pa" when she's learning how to talk?"  
>Amanda noted the blush rise on Lou's cheeks and her eyes start to flash, but she didn't back down and her gaze remained steady.<p>

"I ain't asked him to be that." Lou muttered, putting her hands on her belly.

"Yeah? Maybe not with your words, but your actions tell otherwise."

"What actions?" Lou asked, pitch higher than normal.

"Well it's in the little things. You turn to him over anyone else for comfort, touch him without even realizing you're doing it... and then there's that business with Millie Coe. Jimmy told you she was interested in him, and the few times the two of you have visited the saloon you put yourself between Buck and Millie. Why would you try and stop him for caring for another woman, if you didn't care yourself? and you know what else... I think if you opened your eyes, you'd realize Buck cares for you too, more than just a friend and that's why he'd love this baby like his own."

Lou look horrified, she dropped her eyes, unable to form a reply. Amanda sat patiently and waited.

"My god, I am a selfish fool. Amanda it hasn't been that long since Kid left, I'm still in love with him, even though I'm still angry and hate him at the same time... but maybe... god, maybe I do have feelins for Buck. When I've thought bout raising this baby, watching it grow, take it's first steps, learnin how to ride a horse... I always imagine Buck right next to me. I just accepted it, didn't even question why... but why he would even take that on? I've been holding him to me without even holding him." Lou buried her head in her hands. Amanda reached over and put a soothing hand on Lou's back.

"You'll talk to him right? He deserves to know where he stands in your life and in this child's life."

"How can I? I don't even rightly know where that is yet... and I think you're wrong. You can't know how Buck feels about me. He's always just treated me like a good friend, or sister."

Amanda raised an eyebrow and sighed. She had been around both Buck and Lou for a while now. Buck was as in love with Lou as the day was long, but it wasn't her place to make Lou see something she wasn't ready to see.

"Just think on it, alright? See if you can talk to him before the baby is born at least." Amanda got a small nod from Lou, probably the only allowance her stubborn friend would make for now.

"Want to see some of the other surprises I have for Janusz tomorrow night? As soon as we got engaged, I got these lacy things ordered from St Louis..." Amanda jumped up and went back to her truck. Buck wasn't mentioned for the rest of the evening, but he was never far from Lou's thoughts.

* * *

><p>"Woah there." Buck pulled the reins back with one hand as he brought the buckboard into the barn. Lou startled at the sound of his voice and straightened up, moving away slightly as Buck's arm slid off her shoulders.<p>

"Buck, I'll help you take care of the horses. Then I'm hittin the hay right after. I'm beat." Jeremiah said as he jumped off the back of the wagon.

"Sure, take the reins. I'll walk the ladies back to the house and join you in a minute." Buck tossed the reins over to Jeremiah and gave Theresa a helping hand down before coming back to Lou. He stood there, hand on hip waiting to see if she'd be in a stubborn mood and want to get down herself. Lou knew exactly what he was thinking and gave him a small smile.

"If you insist, Mr Cross." She held out her arms to him and he lifted her down, his hands staying on her waist a little longer than necessary. Lou felt her heart skip a beat as she looked into his warm brown eyes. Amanda's words haunted her. She had some thinking to do tonight and then tomorrow she owed it to him to have a good long talk.

"Um, thank you, for all your help today." She said, breaking eye contact. Buck stepped away and cleared his throat.

"Well we made a good team. Course, I don't want word of that getting out, or we'll be organizing every wedding from here to Ft. Kearney."

"Right, we've always been good partners" Lou laughed nervously and fidgeted with her hands as walked towards the house, following Theresa in. Buck looked at her strangely.

"You alright?"

"Hmm? Oh sure. I'm fine. Tired of course, going right to bed... Buck? You think we could talk tomorrow?" She asked as she stopped in the open doorway. She blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted to the light of the lamp Theresa lit behind her.

"I think that could be arranged" Buck drawled "as we manage to talk every day." He leaned against the door frame and tried to figure out what had Lou so flustered.

"Oh hush. I mean talk more serious, bout the future of the ranch... and other things."

Buck stilled, all teasing set aside. In the low light of the lamp, he could see a pleading look in her eyes. She bit her lip and reached her hand towards his and held it loosely. He hardly dared to breathe.

"Sure. We can talk... bout things." He replied softly.

"Good"She gave him a small smile and on impulse, leaned up and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. Then she slipped through the doorway, whispered goodnight and quietly shut the door. Buck stood on the porch, his hand reflexively reached up to touch his cheek. He shook himself mentally as he slowly backed away from the door and started towards the barn, telling himself whatever "things" she wanted to discuss couldn't possibly mean what he secretly dared to hope. As he fell asleep that night he nearly convinced himself he believed that.

* * *

><p>Lou woke just before dawn, she rolled to her side to stare out the window past the peaceful sleeping form of Theresa. It was a miracle she hadn't woken her sister at some point during the night. Sleep wasn't an easy thing lately, especially with the baby pushing down on her bladder, necessitating more then one dark and chilly trip to the outhouse at night. This night was particularly bad though, she hadn't been able to turn off her thoughts, alternating between fond memories of better times with Kid and her life with Buck now. She finally admitted to herself he did truly feel something for Buck and she supposed he did have a right to know that. If he did return some of those feelings, they'd have some decisions to make. Part of her felt guilty. Buck deserved a woman who could give a whole heart to him if he was going to do the same. She didn't want him feeling beholden stay either. Lord knows she'd love to have him stay forever, if for no other reason than running a ranch and raising a baby on her own scared her more than anything else ever had. There was a small part of her mind though nagging at her that she had been a failure with Kid, how could she expect to be any better for Buck? There was a whole wide world out there for him with better opportunities than this little ranch... and her. Her dreams had been dark and unsettling and even though she couldn't remember what they were about, they left her feeling anxious all the same.<p>

She swung her legs off her bed and stretched, but stopped midway. She was sore all over, especially in her back and in her legs, her stomach felt tight and uncomfortable. Usually sleep helped all the aches and pains of carrying this child, but she felt worse now than when she had gone to bed the night before. Lou quickly dressed through the aches, pulling her underclothes on and a light green dress over her head. Rachel had the local seamstress make it for her a while ago, it was made for pregnancy, shapeless as a tent with a tie around the back that could be tied more loosely the bigger she got. Lou then slid her feet in some moccasins Buck had made for her after he saw her struggling to tie her usual shoes. Tears clouded her eyes as she wrapped her shawl around her shoulders. Her family was taking such good care of her... '_oh snap out of it Lou_' she thought as she gave herself a good mental shake. She could cry at the drop of a hat nowadays, it was completely mortifying.

She started working on breakfast to keep busy and to keep her mind off the pains in her back that were starting to feel less and less normal. If Buck stayed true to form he'd be coming in soon for some coffee and food before he went off to do his morning chores. It was going to be quiet out at the ranch for a while. Amanda and Janusz could be gone for as long as a month and Rachel and Teaspoon for a week at least. They weren't going nearly as far though, only to Omaha for a few days, to catch a play or two and have a few fine meals.

Lou brought the finished coffee to the table, set it down and stopped. She gripped the top of a chair as this particular pain seemed to shoot from her back all the way around to her front. Buck chose that moment to walk into the house.

"Morning Lou, makings of a good day out there, you can feel some warm air coming in from the south." He stopped in his tracks when he turned to look at her.

"Lou? what's wrong?" in several long strides he was by her side. She waved him off as she exaled a breath. She gave him the brightest smile she could manage.

"Oh I'm fine. Just feeling more sore than usual this morning. Here, I made you some pancakes and coffee." She moved around the kitchen to give him a plate full of pancakes and set a mug down in front of him. He didn't move, the hairs were standing up on the back of his neck, which usually didn't happen unless there was danger or something else wrong. Lou took a few breaths to steady herself, she was feeling more anxious by the moment. She needed to just spit out what she needed to say to him before she lost her nerve.

"Please sit Buck, I'm alright."

"If you say so." He said as he finally sat down, not taking his eyes off her. Lou looked into his eyes full of concern for her and her heart skipped a beat. He did care, it was written all over her face, Lord she had been so blind. She gathered up her courage and plunged in, still standing by the chair, holding on to it for strength.

"I wanted to talk to you about our future, you and me and this baby." Lou said shakily. She glanced up at him as he stopped chewing his bite of pancake and set his fork down. She watched him struggle to gulp it down. He pushed his plate away, no longer interested in food.

"What about our future?" He asked quietly.

"Well I... our future with this baby, and our feelings to each other." She squeaked out. Just then she gasped, she gripped the chair with both hands and leaned over with a groan. Buck flew out of his chair and stood next to her, putting one hand on the small of her back.

"Is it the baby?" His voice was shaking, he could feel Lou trembling under his hand.

She could only manage a nod, after the pain subsided, she found her voice.

"Something's wrong. I've been having pains all morning... and now, oh god Buck, now I'm leaking."

Her voice was barely a whisper, she turned up to look at him as tears started running down her cheeks.

"Oh my god."

Buck had birthed a baby once and had seen many babies born as a child with the Kiowa. "Leaking" could only mean one thing, her water had broken. This child was coming now.

"I think you're in labor, Lou" He said quietly, his mind already racing towards what he needed to do next. Lou heard his words and started crying harder. She knew they were true, she just desperately didn't want to believe them.

"I can't be in labor! It's too soon... the baby, It's too soon for the baby!" She cried. Buck gathered her up in his arms and squeezed her tight. She clung to him for dear life.

"Listen to me. I'm going to go and wake up Theresa and Jeremiah, have them come in here with you. Then I'm going to ride as fast as my horse can carry me and get Doc Gollmer. I will drag him over her in his nightshirt if I have to, alright?"

"Please... don't leave me!" She held on to him tighter as he tried to pull away.

"You know I can get him here fastest, Lou. I'll be back before you can miss me." He said as he placed a quick kiss on her forehead. He ran into Theresa and Lou's room and gently shook the girl awake, only saying that Lou needed her. He was about ready to run out the door when he caught the panicked look in Lou's eyes, she was gripping onto the chair so hard her knuckles were white.

"You _will_ be alright, Lou, no matter what happens. You have to be, won't allow nothing else." He looked at her almost desperately. Her eyes were wide as she nodded.

"Hurry." Was all she could manage as another wave of pain hit her.

Buck was less gentle as he woke Jeremiah. He pulled the boy into an upright position and only said to get to the house now, that the baby was coming early and tersely said he was going for the doctor as he ran out the door. Buck didn't bother with his saddle, only placing the bridle on his horse as he swung himself up and kicked Warrior into a full gallop towards town. He rode as if his life depended on it. To his heart, it really felt like it did.

* * *

><p>"Son? You should really get some sleep. There's nothing else to do right now, except pray. She's had a hard go of it, but she'll recover in time." Doc Gollmer looked into the face of the pale young man staring at his hands, sitting at the kitchen table. Buck had only left Louise's room after he forced him out so he could do his final examination. It had been his longest day in recent memory. The little girl had cried herself to sleep in the other bedroom a while ago while Jeremiah had fallen asleep on the couch. The labor had taken all day and been quite painful, but these three had stood vigil for the whole thing until exhaustion claimed the younger two. Buck glanced up at the doctor.<p>

"And the baby? Doc, I need to know, is there any chance at all for her?" Buck slowly stood to his feet and met the doctor's eyes, daring him to be anything but truthful.

"I can only tell you what I just told Louise, that babe's lungs, they just aren't ready to be breathing our air." He lifted his hands in a helpless gesture. Buck felt like punching him, even though he had no real cause.

"How much time do we have then, before..." Buck couldn't finish, his voice cracked and the tears he had held in check trickled down his face. He barely noticed. The doctor sighed.

"It's up to providence now, it could be hours, it could be days... why don't you go to her now and be with your daughter." He put his hand on Buck's arm as he turned to walk out the door. He needed his nice warm bed and the comfort of his wife after a day like today.

"But she's not my..." Buck started, Gollmer turned and interrupted him.

"Sure she is son, maybe not by blood, I can see that... but she's yours in the eyes of that young mother in there, and right now that's the only thing that matters."

Buck barely acknowledged his words and with a sigh the doctor slipped out the door.

Buck stared at the entrance of Lou's room for a long moment, finally his care for Lou won out over his fear to face what was in there. He took a deep breath and walked to her side.

Lou was bathed in candlelight and more pale than he had ever seen her. The doc had done a good job cleaning her up and even after all the pain Lou had experienced, she looked beautiful to him. Then there was the bundle in her arms... Lou motioned with her eyes for him to sit next to her. He sat down so gently the bed barely moved.

"She's beautiful isn't she? I'm going to name her Angel McCloud, on count of her being too perfect for this earth... If I can just hold her, keep her warm, do you think she'll remember it? Do you think she'll ever know how much I love her? How much I hoped..." Her voice cracked, the shock she had been feeling all day started to ebb and tears flowed freely.

"She will Lou, she always will." Buck's voice shook with emotion. He shuddered as he took in the face of the tiny child wrapped in Lou's arms, she was absolutely beautiful, like she had been sculpted by the spirits. He memorized every feature of her face and reached a trembling hand to touch the tiny warm cheek. Lou took in a shaky breath.

"Oh god Buck, I can't do this, I can't just watch her slip away!" Lou turned her head away, but Buck put his hand under Lou's chin and brought her eyes to his.

"You won't be alone, I'm staying right here and we'll both stay strong, for her."

Lou saw the tears running down Buck's face and just nodded as she leaned in to him. Buck shifted position to lean against the headboard as he put his arms around Lou. She moved the baby so the bundle was nestled in between the two of them. Angel McCloud was surrounded by love and tears until she slipped away in the middle of the night to rejoin the stars.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Whew. I don't even know what to say. I tried to avoid this, but this is the story that stayed and wouldn't go away. I will post the second half of this portion of the story tomorrow, as there is some resolution. I cried just editing this chapter to post it. I don't know how you'll feel about this, but I appreciate you reading it all the same.**


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 21

Teaspoon paced around his office, unable to sit still. He couldn't believe how fast all his bright skies had turned to grey. He and Rachel's first stop after coming home from their week long honeymoon had been the ranch. It had been a rainy Saturday afternoon, they had gone straight there after dropping off their bags. He remembered Rachel had swatted his hands away from her curves and told him to behave in front of the children as they walked to the front door. Instead of the usual greetings of their loved ones on the other side of that familiar door, there was silence. Theresa and Jeremiah had found refuge in the bunkhouse as Lou slept, only Buck was sitting by the fire, unmoving... and it was by that fire they learned about Angel. She had been buried along side Noah the day after she had been born with only Lou, Buck, Jeremiah and Theresa there to pay their respects.

Teaspoon moved to lean against the door frame, watching the street without seeing it and let out a deep sigh. Lou. He didn't know how in the world he or anyone else could help her. From talking to Buck he gathered that Lou had been able to hold it together until the burial was finished. After that, the iron will that had seen her through so many tough times finally gave way. She wouldn't leave her room. She barely ate and only slept fitfully, and for reasons he couldn't fathom she was pushing away those who loved her, Buck most of all. The pain surrounding the ranch was like a thick fog, with no warmth penetrating to burn it all away. His concern for all of them troubled him deeply, from his sweet little Theresa who was too young to understand her sister's grief and was frightened by it, to Jeremiah who was also lost. If it had been a physical problem he knew Jeremiah would have gone to the ends of the earth to help his sister, but there was no destination, no object that could heal Lou's heart or mind. Then there was Buck. Teaspoon pushed off the door frame angrily and went back to his pacing. He knew grief did funny things to people and he couldn't fault Lou for how she chose to grieve right now, but pushing Buck away seemed especially cruel.

"Sweetheart set down, you're going to wear a hole straight through the floor."

Teaspoon stopped mid-stride, he was really loosing it, he hadn't even noticed Rachel walk in. He gave her a small smile as he closed the distance between them.

"I'll stop my pacing now that you're here. After three already? The days flown by." He made motion for her to join him as he sat at the edge of his desk.

"and how was my lovely wife's day?" He asked as he offered up his cheek, she obliged him with a quick peck as she sat down next to him.

"Oh, bout how you'd expect. Theresa can't keep her mind on lessons and I had to hold Jeremiah back at lunch. He overhead that brat Milton Andrews say our sweet little Angel deserved to die for being "part savage". I separated them before the first blow fell, but I gotta tell you, I was tempted not to. Boys got no right walking around being that hateful and ignorant." Rachel frowned at the memory.

"There's many times I've wished ugliness like that was an arrestable offense." Teaspoon's expression now matched his wife's. Rachel rubbed her eyes and continued.

"It's just unfair... Buck's got enough going on, to deal with the ignorant of Rock Creek, even though I think there's only a few bad apples. He's still doing all the work at the ranch and as your deputy and trying to take care of Lou at the same time even though she wants nothing to with him. It's breaking his heart."

"You know that's the puzzle I can't figure. I know she's in a dark place now, and she has a right to it, but of all people, she can lean on Buck. There was something bout the way she was actin at the wedding, I thought she was starting to do more than just lean on him. Thought there was really something there starting to blossom." Teaspoon lifted his hands and looked to Rachel for answers. Rachel bit her lip and cast her eyes down.

"I've been in her shoes you know. Only I lost my baby at six months and not seven. Losing my husband and our child on the same day nearly broke my spirit and it was a long time before I cared to live again. I love Louise with all my heart, I want to see her pull out of this something fierce. I wish I was stronger..." Rachel's voice broke as she struggled against her tears. Teaspoon stood up and pulled her by the hands up to him. Without a word he wrapped his arms around the woman he loved more than anything.

"You don't have to talk bout this right now, if you don't want to." Teaspoon said as he leaned back slightly, his hands resting on her shoulders.

"Oh I'll be alright. I just wish I could be around her without feeling the memories creep in. Sometimes I feel like I'm choking, the pain feels so fresh, like it was yesterday." Rachel let out an involuntary shiver and dried her eyes with the handkerchief Teaspoon offered her.

"I think I know why Lou is that way to Buck though, you're right I think they was close to admitting some feelings. From the few things she's said about him to me, she now thinks he'd be better off without her… and she's trying to get him to move on."

"Well I hope she gets cured of that notion right quick before he's so heartbroken, he actually does." Teaspoon looked at Rachel as she nodded sadly in agreement. A thought occurred to him and he wasn't sure what Rachel would say, but he felt he needed to ask her all the same. He reached out and held both her hands.

"Have you ever thought about tryin to have a child… with me?" Teaspoon shifted awkwardly from one foot to the next and looked to his hands holding hers. He rarely felt this vulnerable. He didn't like it. He could feel her tighten her grip and he dared to look into her eyes. They were full of emotion but he wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

"I have. It's just… we've never talked real serious on the subject. I figured you were happy with the children we already call our own." She said quietly.

"Well I am at that, but there is always room for whoever else we are blessed with, be that our own child or the grandchildren we're sure to have. I thought, maybe you wouldn't want to, it bein so hurtful the first time around and on count of me being no spring chicken." Teaspoon's eyes shifted to the floor, but Rachel wouldn't let him look down for long.

"Hay...we're both still in the prime of life. Don't think your age should matter. Let's think on it a while alright? Once the dust settles around here, we can talk it out. "

Teaspoon released her hands so he could place his on the sides of her face, he gave her a gentle kiss then.

"Don't know how I managed to get so lucky as to marry the likes of you." He said gruffly. She gave him a true smile then, one full of mischief.

"Well haven't you heard? Seven's a lucky number."

Teaspoon initially cringed at the mention of how many times he had previously been married, but then gave her a sly smile.

"May have taken me a few tries, but practice makes perfect, I'm sure you've noticed." He gave her an exaggerated eye brow wiggle. Rachel rolled her eyes and let out a groan before succumbing to laughter.

"Guess we'll find out if that's true, if we really do try for a child."

Teaspoon let out a growl and moved towards her as she moved away from him, but then stopped his approach when something down the street caught his eye.

"Lordy, Lord. There's a dust cloud of soldiers comin in from the west end of town. Would appear Mr Cody is back from fightin the Indians."

* * *

><p>Day and night blended into one. It only felt dark and slightly less dark. Each morning, when Lou awoke, if she had slept at all, she wondered that she was still alive. It seemed impossible that she should be. It hurt too much to live, too feel. Her dreams haunted her. She remembered them in little snippets. She'd get a flash of Kid walking away, saying he couldn't stay with her because she was a failure as a woman. The next time Kid would be holding her sweet Angel in his arms and ask her, how could she let their baby die? A few times she'd even witnessed her father beating on her poor mother, her father would turn to her and sneer, 'there's nothing you can do to save her' and then he'd be gone. Buck was in her dreams too, arms reaching out to her. She'd walk into them, like she had countless times before, but then he'd pull away abruptly, saying he could do better than her and disappear into the mist.<p>

The worst was when she dreamt of Angel. Lou would see a little girl's brown curls bounce as she ran ahead, Lou would chase her calling her name, trying to get just one glimpse of her face, but she could never get close enough, never catch her... Angel would run farther away over the hills until she was gone. Each time Lou woke sobbing, begging for her little girl back. It was too much for her to bear. What Lou really wanted was silence, silence from the voices condemning her and to be alone so her numbness could overtake her. But she was rarely alone. Even though Lou's nightmares had made it impossible for Theresa to share a room with her anymore and both her siblings were unsure of what to say or do, they would still visit her. Rachel and Teaspoon came over as well, encouraging her to eat. In her less clouded thoughts she knew she needed to reach out to them, but the clouds would roll in again and those thoughts would be lost.

Buck was a constant presence too in her waking hours and even when she slept. She gathered he must have moved the couch outside her bedroom door so he could sleep close by if she woke from her nightmares, screaming. For a moment before she was fully awake she'd cling to him and bury her head in his shoulder. Her subconscious mind accepted the care her waking mind wouldn't allow. Her eyes would fly open though after a second and she would scoot away quickly from him and turn to her side without a word. It hurt too much to see the care in his eyes. The feelings he had for her would be better spent on a different woman. A woman who was not already a failure as a wife, a woman whose body could do the one thing God designed it to do. For a while she tried to tell herself she hated him for staying. He was a reminder to her of all she had foolishly hoped for, a second chance of sorts that now she knew she would never have... but after a while she got too tired even for that. It was much easier to simply hate herself.

* * *

><p>Buck attacked the muck in his horse's stall with all the energy that remained in his exhausted body. Sometimes when he was working the ranch or patrolling the streets everything would feel normal. There would be a moments peace in his soul, but then his current reality would crash in; Angel's death, grief and Lou pushing him as far as she could even as he tried to help her and save her from herself. It had been three weeks now since he had held the tiny child he would privately always think of as his own and watched her slip away. He prayed to the spirits in a way he had not since Ike's death, that his Lou would come back to him... even if she never cared for him in the way he formerly hoped. He just wanted his friend back, he wanted her to be alright. He tried to tell himself she was grieving, that she was pushing everyone away, not just him, but it didn't make it any easier to accept.<p>

Buck had just finished with his own stall and was moving on to the next one when he heard a rider approaching. He listened for a second, the pace was quick and sounded familiar. He tossed his shovel to the side, wiping his hands on his pants as he made his way out of the barn. It couldn't be...

"Cody?" Buck waited as Cody pulled his horse up within a foot of where he stood, his eyes widened as he took in the soldier's appearance.

"Where the hell have you been?"

Cody hopped down off his horse and paused to catch his breath, catching the sight of his clothes as he did. Blood. He swayed a bit as he closed his eyes and tried to shake off the images the blood brought back fresh, as if it was still warm. He saw the increasing anger in Buck's face as he knew his friend was putting two and two together. Cody grabbed his reins and headed for the hitching post by the corral. He may need to make this a quick visit.

"Just got into town. Stopped by Teaspoon's office on the way in, and came over as soon as I heard. I need to see Lou."

Buck blocked his path.

"Like hell you are. Whose blood is that Cody?" Buck's eyes narrowed as he crossed his arms.

"No kin of yours. Arapaho. Bout a days ride west of here. We was ambushed by a bluff, nearly lost my horse when a brave knocked me off of it and then nearly lost my scalp to his knife." Cody stopped and brought a shaky hand to his forehead, he could still feel the tip of the blade, then he dropped his hand with a slight shrug as met Buck's gaze.

"It was either him or me... yesterday it was him."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Why'd you ever have to join Cody? You use what I taught you so you can lead the white man... lead them as they ride right over those useless treaties the Indians signed in good faith!"

Cody knew Buck's words to be true and had no defense against them, the brutality he had seen in the last few weeks rivaled what he read in the papers of the war out east. He doubted he would ever get what he had seen out of his head. He stood and let Buck seethe in front of him.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just beat the tar out of you right now!" Buck asked in a shout, fist raised. It would feel so good to put his anger somewhere. Cody stopped and thought about it, and to Buck's total surprise, smiled.

"Well... I'll give you two. I'm like a brother to you, and you love me."

Buck felt all the air leave his lungs. He dropped his hand and really looked at Cody... dirty, sweaty, perhaps even tear stained, covered in an Indian's blood. He sighed.

"I may... love you, but I don't have to like you just now. You want to see Lou? Change your clothes and wash up first. You stink like death." Buck turned and walked towards the bunkhouse, not waiting for Cody to follow, but after a second he heard his friend's footsteps behind him.

* * *

><p>Cody finished running a comb through his wet hair, then smoothed down the white shirt he found in the trunk he kept in the bunk house. He was cleaner now than he had been in a while, almost like he was fixing to go to church. He didn't feel clean on the inside though. He was tired and sick inside. After he had turned the brave's knife on him and plunged it into his chest, he'd shoved the dead body off of him and taken a look around at the rest of his unit. A few of the soldiers had rode ahead into the village on the other side of the bluffs. Cody scrambled up the hill and watched helplessly as he saw private Steele shoot a woman as she ran away, a small child in her arms. In the chaos Cody had finally found their Captain, screaming until he was hoarse that they needed to sound the bugle to fall back before more innocents were killed and finally they had done so. Now here he was, getting ready to try and offer comfort to the woman he viewed as a sister over the loss of her own child. He had no idea what he would say and felt like he had even less of a right to try. He looked down at his hands scrubbed clean and sighed. They would never feel clean to him again. Buck moved from the other side of the room where he had been watching Cody like a hawk and cleared his throat.<p>

"You finished?"

"I guess I'm ready as I'll ever be." Cody said as he maneuvered around his friend, not meeting his eyes as he made for the door.

"I'm going to stand right outside her door, if she sounds even a little bit upset to have you in there with her? I will drag you outside and throw you on your ass." Buck blocked his way and pointed his finger into Cody's chest.

"No pressure there." Cody said, tone more lighthearted than he felt. Buck's face was like stone. Cody sighed.

"The last thing I want to do is upset her, alright? I'm scared to death that I'll say the wrong thing, but I've got to see her all the same." Buck took in the total earnestness of Cody's face and finally let him pass.

Cody entered Lou's room. It was dark, the shades were drawn. He could just make out the outline of Lou's petite frame on her bed.

"Hay there Lou, mind if I light this lantern here?" Cody asked as he lit a match and watched the light illuminate Lou's face. He had never seen her look so pale or sad. Her grief was so tangible he could already feel tears forming in his eyes. She blinked at the light and sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes as she brought her knees up to her chest.

"Cody? You're really here?"

Cody sat down next to her and put his hand over her hand.

"I'm here, just got back from bein out west. I saw Teaspoon and he told me... well I had to see you. I'm so sorry Lou. I am so, so sorry. It's just not fair."

Cody's voice quivered. His own emotions were so raw, tears fell easily down his cheeks. Lou looked at him vacantly at first but then his words seemed to register and her eyes grew wide.

"Cody? Are you crying... for me?"

Cody looked at Lou, his surprise obvious.

"Well course I am... you're my sister. That little girl was gonna be my niece. You shouldn't have to go through this." Cody moved closer and held his arms out slightly, his eyes a question. Lou stared at his arms for a second then glanced up at him and gave him a slight nod. Tears ran hot down her face as she let Cody hug her.

"It's all my fault... I wasn't good enough. I couldn't hold her inside till she was ready... and I couldn't do nothing to save her... all I could do was hold her as she died." Lou finally spoke her thoughts out loud into Cody's shoulder, letting her sobs come in full force.

"It's not your fault." Was all Cody could think to say as he cried with her, Lou shook her head 'no', so he repeated it again softly, and then again. Finally Lou quieted in his arms and gently pushed him away.

"Thank you for coming Cody, think I'm going to sleep now." She pulled her blanket up and turned away, disappearing under the covers. Cody sat there next to her small form for a full minute before he was able to pull himself together and walk away. He shut the door softly and startled at Buck's sudden appearance right next to him.

"How'd you do that? That's more than she's said to anyone in days. Every time I try and talk to her, she turns away from me." Buck didn't even try to hide the hurt in his voice. Cody wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Really? I don't know. Maybe cause I was crying like a little girl?" Cody stared at Lou's closed door and then let out a shudder. "I need to get back to camp. Didn't really ask permission to come here."

Buck just grunted and followed him out to the corral. He couldn't believe Lou had talked to Cody, let him hold her even. He couldn't fool himself in thinking she was pushing him away because she was pushing everyone away, not after what he had just witnessed. Cody cast a sidelong look at his friend's crestfallen face. A thought occurred to him and he blurted it out as he walked.

"God, Buck, you love her, don't ya? How could I have missed it, I might need to get my eyes checked!"

Buck stopped in his tracks and ran a hand through his hair, he looked to Cody and didn't even try to deny it.

"Don't make a bit of difference. Maybe it's even making it worse... maybe, maybe I need toleave. Maybe that'd be best for her."

Cody's brow furrowed and his mouth fell open in disbelief.

"Now I think it's my turn to be mad at you. If that ain't the dumbest thing you've ever said! Take time to lick your wounds if ya have to, but don't you dare leave. I don't know what's going on in that head of hers, spect her mind will need some healin... and that will take some time, but she needs you Buck. Hell...you're the one who's been here through thick n thin. It would hurt her something terrible!"

Cody was truly angry, both hands on his hips. Buck opened his mouth to argue, but stopped. Finally he just shook his head.

"It's not right, you turning the tables like this. I'm still real angry at _you."_ Buck muttered.

"Fine, be mad at me all day long, as long as you want... just don't give up, alright? One of us gotta make sure she gets through this and we both know you're the better man for the job." Cody took the bundle of his bloody clothes and attached them to his saddle, then shrugged himself into his jacket. He swung up on his horse and settled in to ride back to camp in a hurry, but Buck grabbed his reins and held them for a moment.

"Cody... I'm glad you didn't die. Don't like what you're doing, but I never want to see anything bad ever happen to you either. Like you said, you're my brother... and it may have been hard to hear, but you're right. I'm not gonna give up on her."

A slow grin spread across Cody's face.

"Good."

"Right. Now, get outta here." Buck said as he slapped the flank of Cody's horse. Cody gave him a wave and then he was gone.

* * *

><p>It was early evening. Buck had been riding aimlessly for a while now, but was unsurprised to find himself at his "spot". He had built a rock pillar on the gentle rise of this hill a long time ago. He came here to pray often; burn herbs, cleanse his spirit and purify his thoughts. This was also the spot he had built Ike's funeral pyre and released his brother's spirit to the air. He needed to feel close to Ike just then. If Cody hadn't yelled at him to stay, he might be packing up his things right now. Rejection was a recurring theme throughout his life, he'd accepted those blows as part of being who he was. With Lou though, it was different, it had nothing to do with his heritage. It had to do with him. He got off his horse and looked around. There were little telltale signs of spring everywhere; the smell of the air, the sound of returning birds and the first bit of green grass peeking through on the prairie. It was if nature itself was telling him not to give up hope and to keep going. He remembered what he had said to Lou on New Year's day not so long ago and almost had to laugh, better days seemed so far away just now. He walked over to his rock pillar, took out some sage from his medicine pouch and lit it. As the fragrance passed his face he started to pray more desperately than he had in a long while. '<em>Please... she's had enough now, please help her come back to us. I need her. Give her a reason to live.'<em>

* * *

><p>Lou was in a place unfamiliar to her and yet not. The fields and trees seemed recognizable but everything was so much more beautiful than any place she had ever been. Light seemed to shine from every rock, every blade of grass. A warm, gentle breeze blew about her, bringing music as it passed. Lou heard the sound of a brook off to her left, she turned and walked towards it, the water almost sounded like it was laughing as it rolled on down stream. '<em>Where in the world am I?' <em>She wondered.

"Hello Lou."

Lou heard the voice and stopped, the voice was unfamiliar to her and yet somehow she knew it. She turned around slowly.

"Ike?"

Ike grinned and opened his arms. Without another thought she ran into them. She felt warmth from the top of her head to the bottom of her toes from his first touch. She pulled away and looked at him. He seemed to have the same glow as everything else around her... and he had hair, beautiful brown curls. She reached up to touch them, with wonder on her face. Ike laughed.

"It's so good to see you."

Lou smiled broadly and then exclaimed.

"You can talk! Oh I must be dreaming, ain't I... unless I'm dead... Ike, am I dead?" She asked almost hopefully. Ike just smiled.

"You're not dead, just visiting. Come on, some other folk really want to see you again."

He took her hand and turned her around. She saw two people with the same light about them as Ike, walking towards her hand in hand and gasped. She broke into a run towards them, tears running down her face.

"Noah?... _Angel_?"

She barreled into Noah first who laughed out loud as he swung her around.

"Well hello Lou! Aren't you a beautiful sight." He said as he set her down. Lou could only nod in astonishment. Noah smiled as he motioned to the girl waiting patiently next to him. Lou covered her mouth with her hands and fell to her knees. She trembled as she reached one hand out.

"Angel? Is it really you, baby girl?"

"Hi Momma." The girl smiled the purest smile Lou had ever seen. She stepped forward and wrapped her little arms around Lou's neck. Lou gasped as she felt a sense of overwhelming love and warmth radiate from the girl in her arms. Lou felt like sobbing and laughing at the same time. She gently pulled back and cupped the girl's face in her hands.

"I can see you now, for the first time... really see you. I knew you would have blue eyes... but I think you have my stubborn little chin."

Angel giggled, then put her little hands in Lou's and held them in front of her.

"I'm happy Momma, I want you to know that. I have my uncles to play with all the time... and your momma too, my Grandma. She loves me very much."

"You've seen my mother too? She's happy?" Lou felt fresh tears in her eyes as she gently squeezed her daughter's hand.

"Yes." Angel said simply, then she looked at her mother in wonder. "There's no hurt here, nobody is sad. Your tears are the first I've seen."

"Oh I'm crying because I'm happy baby girl, I've missed you." Lou wiped her tears away quickly and smiled. Noah reached down then and helped her up.

"We need to get going... Maybe I shouldn't say anything, but thank you. I'm honored." Noah put his hand on Lou's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. Then he looked down at Angel.

"We need to say goodbye now, do you want to go to the waterfall?"

Angel took Noah's offered hand and smiled.

"Oh yes! Goodbye Momma! I'll see you again!"

Noah gave her one last smile with a wink before he turned away with Angel who was skipping as she walked. The seemed to disappear into a mist before her very eyes. Before Lou could call out for them to come back, Ike was beside her again.

"It will be a blink for her, before you're back home for good." He saw the hopeful look in Lou's eyes and chuckled. "It won't be that soon for you however. You have things you need to do yet with your life Lou, and much to live for... and you have people down there who love you very much and need you to come back to them."

Lou shook her head and cast her eyes down.

"No. I mean I know I have people who care about me... but it hurts so much and it doesn't hurt here. Why do I need to go back?"

"I think you know, or you will. Believe me, it's worth it." Ike tipped her chin up and gave her an encouraging smile. Then he looked behind him as if he heard something.

"I need to go now too. Lou you will be alright, better than alright. You'll see." Then he gave her one last hug, he was already fading from her sight.

"Oh and same as Noah. Thank you."

Lou peered into the increasing mist, she felt cool air surrounding her.

"Thank you for what?" She couldn't help but ask.

"Just... Thank you." His voice echoed from far away.

Lou woke with a start and sat up, gasping for breath. It _had_ been a dream. Tears streamed down her face. Her heart physically hurt from the force of seeing her loved ones and now being away from them... then she started to laugh as she cried. Angel had been so beautiful, so _happy_. She could still feel the warmth of Ike and Noah's hugs. The warmth of Angel's little hands in hers. It had been so real. Lou sat in a daze, remembering every detail of her dream until dawn.

* * *

><p>Buck had just finished making coffee in the house and was about to sit down to eat some biscuits Rachel had left on her last visit, when the sound of Lou's door opening startled him. He couldn't believe his eyes. Lou walked out of her room wearing her work pants, shirt and vest, jacket in hand. Her hair was neatly brushed and in a braid. She took a few steps towards him and met his eyes shyly.<p>

"Had a dream last night. Ike and Noah were in it... and Angel." Lou closed her eyes, and then shook her head before opening her eyes again and continuing.

"Ike told me that I was needed here and that I needed to keep on living. So that's what I'm going to do." She gave him a firm nod of her head and took a few steps towards the door, then she paused and turned back to Buck.

"Wasn't sure where to start, but figured a good a place as any is with my chores. Going to give Lightning a good brush down. You have anything else that needs doing?"

Buck tried to speak but could only nod as Lou moved around him to grab a few biscuits, she took a bite of one and put the other in her pocket. Lou gave him an awkward smile and then walked out of the house. Buck watched through the window as she put her jacket on and made her way towards the barn. He let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding and looked to the skies, at the rays of light peeking through the clouds.

'_Thank you.'_ He prayed as he left the house to join her.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I cried verklempt (J!) tears with Noah, Ike and Angel. I loved seeing them again. Lou's got a long road, but her feet on on the path now. There are rays of light through the clouds. **

**It's going to be a bit now before I post again. Wrote chapters and chapters of this story before I got the guts to post. Now I'm all caught up and have an outline for the next chapter only. My goal is to post a chapter a week, but we'll see with the impending holidays. Subscribe to my story! and let me know what you think. :)**


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 22- (April 1862)

"You keep fiddling with something in your pocket, what is it?" Kid asked succumbing to his curiosity. He relaxed his stance slightly and let his eyes wander to Johnny's face instead of staring at the empty road and quiet creek they were supposed to be guarding. The distant sounds of battle filled his ears and rattled his nerves. He needed a distraction. Johnny looked around, making sure there was no one else paying attention before he took a few steps towards Kid and motioned Kid to open his hand.

"It's my mother's, it's called a rosary. it was my mother's mother too, from the old country and it may even be older than that." Johnny said quietly.

Kid opened his palm studied what looked to be a necklace. Blue glass beads caught the light, they seemed to be spaced in some sort of pattern, Jesus dangled on a cross at the end.

"She wanted you to have this when you went into battle, didn't she?" Kid asked as he gave the rosary back to Johnny. Johnny quickly returned it to his pocket.

"Yeah. I didn't bring it with us to Bardstown and it was in my saddle bags at Fort Donnelson, but something tells me, I need to have it close." Johnny gulped and his eyes flicked over Kid's shoulder, towards the sounds of battle. Kid turned to find the same spot Johnny's eyes found. Black smoke billowed over the trees ahead of them. Kid sighed.

"You can feel it too can't you? My stomach has been in knots since we arrived...There's something in the air at this place..."

"Death?" Johnny interrupted, a half cocked grin on his face.

"Maybe. Maybe it's more on count of where they say all the Yank Generals have their headquarters. It's called Shiloh Meeting Place. It's a church and someone with a lot of learning was saying it meant 'Place of Peace.'"

Johnny stopped and thought about that for a second.

"It's Sunday today Kid, His day of rest... maybe he ain't going to be too pleased we're warring on His day."

Kid was about to agree when they heard a loud commotion coming from the front of the regiment.

"Colonel Forrest is back and he's talking all quick with Captain Mitchell." Kid said quietly as he took a few steps closer, glancing towards his horse tied up in the bow of a tree not too far from him.

"Here it comes." Johnny said under his breath as he saw Forrest draw near, motioning the soldiers to move in. Captain Mitchell fell in behind with the other captains. The anticipation was thick as Forrest held up his hand.

"Boys, do you hear that rattle of musketry and the roar of artillery? Do you know what that means? It means our friends and brothers are falling by hundreds at the hands of the enemy and we are here guarding a damn creek! We did not come here for such work, and the reputation of this regiment does not justify our commanding officer leaving us here while we are needed elsewhere. Let's go help them. What do you say?" Forrest's voice rang out loud and clear, brimming over with passion. His lips curled into a smile as he saw the reaction of his men; a chorus of "yes!" as his soldiers ran to their horses. Without another word he turned his horse into a gallop towards the fight.

"You better start praying to your 'Sweet Mary', Johnny" Kid called out over his shoulder as he mounted his horse. Johnny, already mounted, waited for Kid and just shook his head in the seconds before they both broke into a gallop.

"Way ahead of you."

* * *

><p>A hornet's nest. That was a good way to describe where they were, in the thick of things. Kid had heard another soldier say the words as an exclamation as they drew near. The horses were useless in the thickly wooded area with soft ground and were quickly tied to the trees and abandoned to fight on foot with the rest of the infantry. Their charge was fierce, the Yankees started to scatter towards the marshes and away from the peach orchards ahead of their current position. Kid fought close to Johnny at the center of the fray; saber in one hand, revolver in the other. Kid stopped to wipe his saber on the uniform of a dead soldier and reload his gun. It was then that he saw Captain Mitchell fall. Kid looked frantically around him.<p>

"Johnny! I just saw the Captain go down! I'm going after him."

Johnny turned towards Kid's voice and nodded. He pulled the soldier he had been fighting close and knocked him out with the butt of his rifle.

"I'm going with you."

They ran as fast as they could over open terrain before they reached the overhang of the peach trees. Wounded and dead men littered their path as they made their way to Mitchell. A bullet grazed Kid's sleeve and he flinched reflexively, hunching lower as he hurried.

"Oh my god." Kid breathed as he leaned over Mitchell. Their captain had crawled to the shelter of the trees a few feet from where he had crumpled to the ground. Pink petals fell like snow from the branches overhead and landed in Kid's hair, on his uniform and over Mitchell. Kid froze where he stood and blinked as he watched them fall on Mitchell's mangled and bloody right leg.

"Johnny! We have to get him to the field hospital before he bleeds to death!" Kid said as he noticed his friend come to halt next to him. Johnny fell to one knee and put a hand to his stomach. Mitchell's lower leg had been hit by the Minie ball of a rifle. It had torn through his flesh, shattering bone. Bone fragments protruded partially exposed through tendon and skin, blood oozing thick through the gaping wound.

"Do you think he'll make it that far?" Johnny asked as he watched Kid remove his belt. Johnny sprung into action then and reached his hands around Mitchell's leg, applying pressure until Kid was able to finish putting on the tourniquet.

"Help...me...please." Mitchell groaned. He struggled to lift his head, but only raised his shoulders a few inches. Pain marred every feature on his face. Kid's eyes flew wide open.

"Captain, you're with Harris and McBride. We're going to get you out of here."

Mitchell barely nodded. Kid pulled his belt tighter for good measure and forced himself to look closely at the injury. The flow of blood had slowed. Maybe Mitchell had a chance. Kid meet Johnny's eyes, ready to ask a question when Johnny just grimly nodded.

"I'll carry him out of here, get your horse."

Kid ran ahead covering Johnny's path as Johnny held the Captain instead of his gun. Kid's horse was only a few lengths away. A shadow fell tall across his path. Kid had his revolver raised and cocked before he realized he was face to face with Colonel Forrest.

"Private Harris, you are not at the lines." Forrest growled. It would not be the first time he had shot a soldier he believed to be a coward.

"Sir, it's Captain Mitchell... we need to get him to the field hospital, he leg is badly wounded."

Forrest cast his eyes up over Kid's shoulder to Johnny's advancing form.

"Good god. Take your horse and fly, Harris... Get him to the surgeon before we lose him. McBride, stay by my side. Harris, I may have a task for you both tonight." Forrest's frown increased. Before he rushed back into the battle's chaos, he paused and turned over his shoulder to Kid.

"Harris you have met my son, Willie... I have not seen him for several hours, see if... see if he is not among the those at the hospital." Forrest's anguished expression betrayed his emotions only for a moment before the mask of the warrior snapped back into place. He nodded at both men and quickly returned to the lines. Johnny watched Forrest leave and then made his way to Kid's horse at a near run.

"Spose I need to follow him. Find me later. Let me know... how he fares." Johnny said as he placed a groaning Mitchell as gently as he could on Kid's horse.

"I will." Kid jumped up behind Mitchell and checked for a second to make sure the man was still breathing before breaking into a gallop away from the field of battle.

* * *

><p>"Do you have a strong stomach lad? If you promise not to vomit on my shoes, I could use your help." The harried middle aged surgeon asked Kid as he wiped sweat from his brow and looked closely at Mitchell. He was now laying on his makeshift table of a several planks set up on a few drums. Kid stared transfixed at the sharp and bloody instruments on a table next to the surgeon and felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He made his lips a thin, hard line.<p>

"I'll manage, what do you need me to do?"

"Well, I need you to help me take his leg off just below the knee, that's what I need you to do, and I need to be quick about it." The surgeon said impatiently as he moved to his table and reached for a glass bottle and a rag.

Mitchell let out a loud groan, he was coming to, his eyes blinked open and Kid could read his face shift from confusion to horror as he realized where he was. He looked up and saw Kid above him.

"Harris... my god, Harris! Don't let him take my leg! No! No!" He started to panic, shifting his weight as the table shook under his struggle.

"Don't just stand there boy, grab him! Make him hold still!" The surgeon snapped. He ripped the top off one of the bottles and doused the rag with it.

"I'm sorry, Sir" Kid said in a strained whisper as he forcefully held Mitchell's shoulders down. The surgeon muttered a curse and quickly placed the rag over Mitchell's nose and mouth. Mitchell's eyes first bulged wide and then rolled back into his head. Kid could feel the wounded man's body go limp under his hands.

"Got a new chloroform shipment in today, thank god for small mercies." The surgeon said more to himself than to Kid. He quickly washed off the leg with a wet rag pulled from a water bucket already stained red with blood and poked around with his finger into wound.

"Do you really need to take his leg off?" Kid asked desperately as he saw the surgeon pick up a scalpel. The surgeon eyed him sharply before leaning forward to make the first cut.

"Hold that tourniquet tight for me soldier and keep his leg still... that Minie ball tore through this man's bones and muscle. There is no other choice. Keep your wits about you now, I need to concentrate."

The scalpel cut skin and tissue away till he hit bone, then with a deep breath the surgeon quickly switched to the saw. Kid closed his eyes shut tightly as he gripped Mitchell's leg to hold it steady. The sound of metal to bone turned his insides and he took several deep breaths to hold his panic at bay. He didn't open his eyes again till the sound stopped. Mitchell's leg was gone. Kid could see the detached limb out of the corner of his eye piled with others but looked away quickly, choosing to train his eyes on the tent ceiling. He guessed the surgeon would be upset if he vomited after being told not to.

"It's done. I've stitched him up and dressed his wound... now we wait and see." The surgeon wiped his bloody hands on his apron before looking up at the ashen faced soldier before him, his face softened in sympathy.

"You've done well, lad... now, carry him over to one of those cots. I know I should send you back to the lines, but I think you've seen enough fighting for today. I'm ordering you to stay and care for you friend here and the other wounded."

Kid could only nod as pulled Mitchell against his shoulder and struggled towards the closest cot he could find. As he placed Mitchell down and listened to the cries of the wounded and dying, he doubted the surgeon had actually given him the intended act of mercy.

* * *

><p>There was a rooster crowing somewhere in the distance, waking Kid from his light sleep. He cracked his eyes open and stifled a groan as he pulled himself to sitting. There was not an inch of him that didn't hurt, which did not surprise him as he couldn't remember ever pushing his body to its limit like he had the last several days. One day would have been enough to make him want to sleep for a month and now he waking to his third day in the war zone. He could see the campfires one by one light up around him as the rest of the camp stirred. Johnny was already awake and preparing coffee. Kid hid a wry smile under his whiskers, there was a time not so long ago Kid would have to nearly push his friend out of his cot to wake him and now the man was making him coffee before sunrise. His smile faded as he realized this change of habit probably had more to do with the horrors they experienced during the day haunting them as they slept than anything else. Johnny grunted and set a mug of coffee in front Kid as sat down to drink his own. Kid rubbed his hands over his face and then stared down at them, they were bloody and bruised and dirty too. Like he been playing in the mud... Kid's eyes closed as a voice called to him from far away.<p>

_"Boys! Where are you? Didn't you hear the bell for lunch?" Sarah ran from veranda and looked around, instead of seeing three little boys, she only saw one. She approached the little boy with a frown on her brow, but her lips twitched at the sides, betraying her amusement. _

_"Kid, where is your brother and your cousin?" She asked as crouched down, moving her yellow skirts to get closer. The little boy looked up from where he had been digging and blinked in the sunlight shining behind his mother. He shrugged his shoulders._

_"Don't know Mama. Jed an Danny, they was with me playing, but they heard you calling and they ran off." _

_She let out a soft laugh then; to the little boy, it sounded like music._

_"I'm sure they did run off, if they're anywhere near as dirty as you." She said playfully as she extended her index finger and tapped his dusty nose. The little boy stuck out his lower lip and turned his wide eyes to his mother._

_"Am I in trouble? We wanted to make mud pies! and I picked these for you too, they're real pretty, just like my momma." He gave her a big grin then and put his hand in his pocket, pulling out three bent and wilted dandelions. Sarah took one of the dandelions and after pinching off the lower half of the stem, placed the yellow top in her hair. Then she put the other two in the belt of her dress._

_"They're beautiful Kid." She smiled as she pulled her son to standing. She started to brush him off and Kid looked up into her eyes when he heard her sniff. She looked like she was about to cry._

_"Did I make you sad momma?" He asked reaching for her cheek. She shook her head smiling wider and she held his small hand in hers._

_"No, my precious boy, you make me very, very happy. You have so much sweet in your soul, I can't even be mad at you when you're being naughty." _

_She paused a moment, her smile slowly leaving her face. She looked closer into her son's eyes. _

_"Never forget that Kid, I know you won't stay my little boy forever, but never forget that sweetness in your soul, when you become a man."_

_Her words confused him, but whatever she said must be true, so he nodded seriously._

_"Ok, momma. I'll stay your sweet boy." _

_She blinked her tears and laughed again, a little harder this time. _

_"I know you will. Now, let's go to the pump and get you cleaned up, before your father sees you and becomes cross, shall we?" A quick frown marred her face, but as she looked at her son, it left just as quickly. _

_"What about Jed an Danny?" He asked, hesitating._

_"Oh, if they want to miss Cook's delicious stew, I suppose that's their business, but I bet they're trying to sneak through the kitchens even now." She smoothed her skirts as she straightened up, then tossed her auburn curls as she looked back at her son._

_"Want to race to the pump? Bet I can beat you!" _

_She took off into a run and Kid giggled as he raced to catch up. _

"Kid, hay Kid... Hello? You haven't touched your coffee yet and we're fixin to leave any minute now, you awake?" Johnny waved a hand in front of his friend's face while he dumped the last few drops out of his mug with his other hand. Kid shook his head and blinked hard.

"Yeah, sorry. I was daydreaming I guess. This memory came to me from a long time ago... with my mother." Kid glanced over at Johnny and knew he had caught his friend's attention. He couldn't remember ever mentioning his mother before, other than to tell him she was dead.

"What kind of memory? A happy one?" Johnny asked carefully as he finished packing his things up.

"It was. I was maybe three or four. I was at my grandfather's plantation with my family and it was during a time of peace between my parents. They didn't get along so well later on..." Kid said deciding not to elaborate, then he continued.

"My mother was young and spirited then, and very loving. Well, she was always full of love... even to the end." Kid cleared his throat, he could feel his chest tightening and decided to move away from her memory before his sadness for her became too much.

"All we've seen in this war so far is death and defeat. We've got to get back to Virginia, Johnny. Back to our native soil and the whole reason we signed up for this war, before we get wounded or die hundreds of miles away from her. I wasn't able to protect her when I was younger, but I am going to make damn sure I keep my promise protect her now." Kid's eyes hardened as he took a few sips of his coffee and reached for a corn cake. Johnny looked at him curiously.

"Are we still talkin bout Virginia?"

"Hmm? Yes, course we are." Kid frowned, but then he wasn't so sure. His mother's face battered from his father's abuse swam before his eyes. He took another sip of coffee and, realizing he had lost his taste for it, dumped it out over the fire.

"You better start packing up your things." Johnny said quietly as he moved to further extinguish their fire.

Kid nodded as he shoved the last bit of corn cake in his mouth. He knew what the plan was to be today and he looked forward to it with a mix of relief and bitter disappointment. Soon it would be time to move out and join the rest of Forrest's men covering the Confederate retreat away from Shiloh, Tennessee. He watched the rest of the camp begin preparations to move out and started to do the same. The sooner they left this place where hell had met earth, the better.

The battle had started on April 6th, with Captain Mitchell losing his leg that afternoon. That evening after Kid had spent many agonizing hours caring for Mitchell and other soldiers too far gone to save, Johnny had burst in and told him quickly of their new orders from Colonel Forrest. It was another scouting mission. This time they donned the uniforms of captured Union soldiers and followed the river north to see if Forrest's suspicions were correct, Grant had reinforcements coming via the river.

It was a miserable night. A storm rolled in from the south, thunder roared over their heads and lightning crashed, making their horses difficult to control. They managed to get close enough under the protection of the trees to see Forrest's suspicion were indeed true. Thousands upon thousands of Federal troops poured off ferry boats in the middle of the night, taking hours to disembark as Johnny and Kid watched with growing dread. Finally they left their hiding spot to return to the camp and report to Forrest, only to witness one of the most gruesome sights either of them had ever seen. In flashes of lightning they could make out wild pigs, roaming the field of the main battle, falling upon the dead and eating them. Johnny wanted to shoot every last pig but after Kid told him he would risk starting another round of fighting, retched over the side of his horse instead.

They had found Forrest back at camp sitting with Willie under a tree and grimly relayed the information. To their surprise Forrest jumped up and after looking at his son, grumbled that if the Union came in with thousands upon thousands of fresh troops, their own exhausted army would be greatly outnumbered and they'd "be whipped like hell" in the morning. Then he ordered Johnny and Kid to stay by his son's side as he went to find any superior who would listen to him tell them just that. Willie did not appreciate the minders but after a while grudgingly explained that his father was upset because he had run off with another fifteen year old soldier and brought in sixteen prisoners of war into camp. He complained that while his father appreciated the bravery, he didn't appreciate the risk. Kid thought Willie sounded just like his father and told him so. The boy beamed and gave them no problems after that.

April 7th dawned with a return to battle. Forrest had been unable to convince his superiors just how badly they were outnumbered and all the gains made the previous day were quickly erased. Kid couldn't imagine a bloodier day in human history. It was too much to take in all at once. He fought for survival seeing only the faceless enemy in blue before him. It was only when their regiment was given orders to cover the retreat did he get a glimpse at the scope of the carnage. He had wondered with curious detachment if he'd be able to walk across the entire length of open field without ever touching earth, so thick were the dead laying where they had fallen. By late afternoon Forrest's men had the duty of covering the rear as all troops withdrew, making their way twenty miles south to Corinth, Mississippi. As evening descended they set up camp a stone's throw from the field hospital where Kid had brought Mitchell only the day before. To Kid, it felt like a lifetime ago.

Now after only a few hours rest Kid knew they'd be in for more of same, guarding the retreat. He hoped this new day would hold no more blood shed, the ground was already saturated as it was. Kid tried to shake the mental picture and turned his attention to the sound of Johnny's voice.

"Wasn't sure we was going to make it through this one Kid, there was more than once when I felt a bullet whiz by my ear and I thought, 'This is it', but I'm still in one piece. Gotta wonder if that Rosary kept me safe." Johnny said with a half smile, patting his pocket before continuing.

"Either that or God needs us to make it to Virginia, to chase all those accursed Yanks right off his land."

"So God's a Virginian?" Kid asked as hopped to his feet.

"Course he is! Well... he's really fond of Virginia anyway." Johnny amended.

"Makes perfect sense to me." Kid said seriously for his friend's benefit. He jumped around a few times, forcing his body and mind into wakefulness after so little sleep in the last few days.

"Do you think if we hurry we'll be able to see Captain Mitchell before we move out?" Kid asked as he finished gathering his things.

"Maybe if we're _real _quick." Johnny allowed, not looking too happy about the possibility.

"I don't know how you can charge into the mouth of hell like you do, Johnny, and be so squeamish about the wounded." Kid slung his knapsack over his shoulder and was already making his way towards the large tent in distance. Johnny hesitated and let out a groan before falling into step with Kid.

"Suppose it's the same reason I don't exactly feel comfortable around the real old and feeble minded. Neither are possibilities I like comtemplatin for myself." Johnny grumbled.

"It ain't my favorite place either, after Sunday, but the Captain's done a lot for us, so just keep you mouth shut and try to look sympathetic." Kid said with an eye roll as they neared the entrance. The sights, sounds and smells of the wounded or dying almost made Kid reconsider as they walked in. He caught the eye of surgeon and made his way over to the man before going to Mitchell.

"How is he today, Sir?"

"Who, your Captain? Well, he's not dead yet, so that's a good sign. No high fever, no additional blood loss... If you'll excuse me, I have much work to do before the Yankees move into this area." The surgeon gave a quick nod and had already moved on before Kid could ask anything else.

"Charming man." Johnny mused dryly.

"Well, he told us what we needed to know. Come on." Kid took a deep breath and wove a path through the cots to their Captain. Mitchell appeared to be sleeping. He had poor color and looked sweaty but his breathing seemed to be steady. His right leg, or what was left of it appeared to have been recently re-bandaged and was only slightly bloody.

"Maybe we shouldn't wake him." Johnny said in a loud whisper. Mitchell's eyes fluttered open at the sound.

"Water." He croaked, turning his head towards a mug on the ground next to him.

Kid knelt down next to Mitchell and held the mug up to the man's lips.

"How are you today, Sir?" Kid asked hesitantly. Mitchell stared at him for several moments but didn't answer. Finally he asked a question of his own.

"So our forces are in retreat then?"

"Yes Sir they are, even now. We will be leaving you to go protect the rear with the rest of Forrest's men as our army moves to regroup in Corinth." Kid felt uneasy as he watched the anger build in Mitchell's face as he relayed the information.

"So there is not even a victory to show for this. It was all meaningless..." Mitchell looked to his leg with disgust. Finally he looked back up at his soldiers, "I hope one day I will be thankful that you saved my life instead of leaving me to bleed to death on the field... if I do in fact recover... You may go boys." Mitchell dismissed them with a small wave of his hand and turned his head to the side. Kid slowly stood up, having no idea what to say to the man he had grown to admire and who had helped them more than once. The difference in him now was as sad as it was startling. Kid made motion to Johnny that they should leave and Johnny nodded but couldn't help asking one more question.

"Sir, when the Yanks get here, what will happen to you?"

Mitchell let his head fall heavy to his pillow.

"Don't suppose much of anything. Half a man isn't much of a threat, is it. If I live they will send me back to Alabama, and that is where I will stay... Now, go. Go kill some Yankee bastards for me." Mitchell's voice came out in a growl, Kid could see he was experiencing pain as Mitchell closed his eyes tightly shut.

"Thank you Captain, for everything." Kid said softly and Johnny made a murmuring sound of agreement as they both walked away.

"Kid that was the worst idea you've ever had... He's not even grateful we saved his life!" Johnny said as he stomped away from the tent and ran a hand over his whiskered face.

"I wanted to say goodbye and make sure he was ok." Kid said quietly.

"Yeah, well he's not. You know I hope I either march into Richmond in victory or go down in a blaze of glory. That is no life for a man." Johnny said as he readjusted his knapsack on his shoulder and increased his pace to where his horse was tethered.

"You don't mean that." Kid protested at a near jog to catch up. Johnny just tossed him a hard look.

"Ok, maybe you do... We'll just have to make sure we march into Richmond victorious then."

"We better. I'm tired of this turnin tail. I just want to get back to Virginia."

They reached their horses together and Kid swung his leg up over his saddle. He could hear the bugle call to move out just ahead. They were nearly to the rest of their regiment before Kid answered him.

"Me too Johnny... more than anything."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This took me forever to write with the holidays and other busyness, so I'm sorry it took me so long to update. This part of Kid's story is not near finished, not by a long shot. The next chapter will pick up right where this one is ending and starts at a gallop. These boy's adventures are only just beginning.**

** Happy New Years! My favorite part of 2011 was discovering that I love to write fiction. LJR and EJM have been the world's biggest encouragement from day one and I would not have posted a word without them. Once I did start posting I know I'll never be able to stop now in part because of the wonderful ladies in this community and over at google+. You have inspired me and made me laugh through some dark days, making this whole experience better than I could have ever imagined. ****Thank you! and thanks for reading, let me know what you think!**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 23

"Looks like they may not let us go quietly after all." Johnny said with alarm as he looked behind him. Kid turned his horse to the side and watched where Johnny was now pointing. Union infantry troops were just making their way into the clearing. At first glance the number of their forces seemed near double their own.

"They're coming." Kid looked around him quickly, all his senses coming alive.

"Where is my father?" Willie Forrest squeaked, his voice betraying his age. Kid let out a muttered curse. Up until just this very second the morning had been a quiet one. They had traveled several miles and were making good time to Corinth. Willie had decided to ride along side them and proved to be quite the chatterbox. Kid had almost felt home free, but now it was clear, they weren't.

"How are they going to get to us with all that fallen timber blocking the path?" Kid mused.

"Maybe they're just here to wave their hankies and say goodbye?" Johnny asked even as he reloaded his revolver. The rest of the regiment noticed their unwanted company at nearly the same instant.

"Don't think so... I can hear their issue to charge." Kid said through tight lips. Willie's horse started prancing next to him.

"Damn Yanks! Where is my Father? Where's our own call to charge?"

Before Willie even finished his question, it was answered. Colonel Forest ran the lines first, saber drawn.

"Are you ready men? Charge!" He screamed, bolting ahead.

There was a second of delayed reaction before every man in Forrest's cavalry answered with their now well practiced Rebel Yell. The horses leapt forward, running through ground made soft by miry clay and over the fallen logs. Kid wondered at the skill of his fellow cavalrymen and they plowed through the rough terrain and fell upon their enemy. Horses trampled men, sabres slashed and quickly the Union soldiers were overwhelmed causing many to flee. Before Kid could feel relief he looked ahead to find the Colonel. In his zeal Forrest had outpaced them all and was now surrounded by blue coats. Kid could hear the Union soldiers screaming even from a distance. "Kill him! Kill the bastard! Shoot him off his horse!" Kid galloped up close to Johnny and Willie's position.

"The Colonel!" Kid yelled and motioned towards Forrest with his saber.

"Father!" Willie screamed as he shoved his heels into his mount's flank. Johnny and Kid looked to each other in a panic.

"Hold him here, whatever it takes! I'll see if I can't get Forrest out of there." Kid growled as he pushed his horse into a gallop. Johnny quickly nodded, galloped forward and grabbed Willie's reins.

"Let me go! My father needs me!" Willie cried.

"You know what your father needs? A son who ain't dead!" Johnny yelled in Willie's face as he grabbed both his reins as well as the boy's arm.

"Let me go!" Willie struggled. Johnny held his arms steady, barely feeling the boy fight him.

Kid galloped ahead and was horrified to realize Forrest was trapped. Union soldiers surrounded him. As Forrest aimed his pistol to shoot his way out, one of the Yankee soldiers raised his rifle into Forrest's side and shot at point blank range. Kid let out a shout and tried to fire shots into the crowd but he was still too far away. Kid could hardly believe what he saw next. Forrest let out a roar and swung furiously with his saber and reared his horse. He looked down and picked up with one hand a small Union soldier. As his horse came down he threw the man behind him in the saddle, using him as a shield and galloped away from the enemy lines, towards Kid. Kid altered his course and raced to meet up with Forrest, firing shots over his shoulder the whole way. His shots no longer reached the men who moments ago had been holding Forrest.

"We're out of range, Sir!" Kid yelled as he pulled up next to Forrest.

"Time to get rid of the baggage then!" Forrest said with a grimace as he shoved the stunned but unharmed Union soldier off his horse. The man rolled several times before coming to a stop. Kid watched as Forrest sped ahead of him to the cover of the trees. If he didn't see the blood seeping through Forrest's clothes and witness the shot himself, he wouldn't believe the man was wounded. Kid looked over his shoulder briefly and saw the Union soldiers give up pursuit, then he increased his pace to ride next to Forrest.

"You need a doctor, Sir" Kid ventured once he had caught up. The other soldiers were joining them now in the trees. Forrest called for them to resume retreat formation and waved them on.

"Where's Private McBride? You are not usually alone in your acts of daring." Forrest said as he tried to catch his breath, holding his fist into his side. Forrest saw Kid's concerned expression.

"The bullet may have passed through. It's not bad. No need for a butcher just yet." Forrest grimaced, seeming to be annoyed with the pain he felt. Forrest returned his eyes to Kid, waiting for an answer.

"Well, McBride held your son back, Willie wanted to ride after you. I went instead."

Forrest shook his head and frowned as he tried to straighten up in his saddle.

"That boy will be the death of me before any Damn Yank gets me. Appears I owe you two another debt of gratitude. Mitchell told me a few things about the two of you, and I mean to set things straight... there will be one last errand first. When we make camp tonight, you and McBride find me. I will have new orders for you."

"Uh... Yes, Sir" Kid managed with a quick salute. Forrest nodded in return and then was quickly whisked away by two superiors talking rapidly, concern evident in their voice. Kid was sure Forrest would be seeing a doctor soon, whether he wanted to or not.

"Did he just do what I thought he did?" Johnny asked incredulously as he caught up to Kid.

"Yeah, I don't believe it either and I was there." Kid said with a small laugh before looking around Johnny.

"Willie should be catching up to his father right about now. I let him go once you two cleared the trees." Johnny answered Kid's unspoken question, then chuckled. "When that boy grows into his britches, he's gonna be just as bad as his father. Threatened to tan my hide, he did, the little pipsqueak."

"He'll get over it. Better to be a little put out, than dead." Kid smiled dismissively, then he grew serious again and motioned Johnny closer.

"Forrest is going to send us on another errand tonight. Called it our last... and said something about paying a "debt of gratitude". Don't know what that is all about, but we're supposed to get orders from him once we make camp."

"Think we'll be able to get a night of sleep first before we go off to do whatever he wants us to do?" Johnny asked not really expecting an answer but got one in Kid's doubtful expression. "Yeah I s'pose not. Well as long as it ain't for drink, I'm game... real curious how he plans to pay whatever 'debt' he thinks he owes us though." Johnny said flatly, Kid grunted in agreement as they rode on with the rest of their regiment.

* * *

><p>"Well, are you ready to push on <em>sergeant<em>?" Kid asked with a slight smirk as he finished watering his horse. He caught Johnny startle at the term before he threw back his head and laughed.

"I could get used to bein called that, 'sergeant'... ha!" Johnny let his horse lap water from the small creek they had stumbled upon and patted the beast's flank.

"You think Forrest'll keep his word, Kid? I mean, we've been wanting to go serve in Virginia even before we put this uniform on... and to finally be goin back and with a promotion besides? Feel like I should pinch myself just to make sure I ain't dreaming."

"I think the only thing Colonel Forrest and General Pillow have in common is that they've asked us to do personal errands for them. It's an honor to be sent to do what we're doin now... and there's nothing in the Colonel's character that would ever make me think he'd go back on his word." Kid said confidently as he remounted and joined Johnny waiting for him on the road.

"I know" Johnny said with a smile, " It's just going take a while to sink in, that our luck has finally turned."

"Well it ain't finished turning yet. We still have to get back to Forrest with word from his wife after delivering his letter to her." Kid said with half hearted caution.

"Kid, we just survived the worst battle the world has ever seen. Alls we got to do now is deliver a plain ol letter. This'll be as easy as pie."

"Really? You ever try to make one?"

"All the time. I could make a pie in my sleep." Johnny said seriously as he looked to Kid from the corner of his eye before turning full face.

"Well of course I don't make pies, but my Ma makes it look easy and anyways can't you just let me enjoy that we're going home... finally? Virginia! Here we come!" Johnny shouted and let out a whoop. Kid felt himself catching Johnny's enthusiasm and let out his first real laugh in months.

Two days ago Colonel Forrest had sent them on their current errand with a promise. Deliver a letter to his wife Mary Ann at their cotton plantation in Coahoma County, Mississippi and return to Corinth with her response, and he would send them east to Virginia to join JEB Stuart's cavalry attached to General Lee's army. Kid and Johnny were so shocked when he told them this news, Kid was sure someone could've knocked them over with a feather. Forrest explained that Captain Mitchell had told him of Pillow's promise to send them east. Forrest felt their acts of bravery deserved a promotion to sergeant as well as a fulfillment of Pillow's word to transfer them to Virginia. If Kid had admired Forrest before he near idolized him now. He couldn't believe a great man like Forrest thought of them highly enough to go through the trouble of keeping another man's word, much less promote them at the same time. It was the first time in a long while he felt all the pain and loneliness in leaving Rock Creek would be worth it. Kid took a deep breath of sweet spring air and looked ahead on the tree lined road they were currently traveling.

"Johnny, I think we're close. Willie's directions were pretty thorough and that looks like it could be the fork in the road we need to take to get to their plantation."

"I think you're right. Bet I beat you there!" Johnny said without waiting for an answer as he galloped ahead. Kid was about to yell that two soldiers galloping in to her yard may make Mrs. Forrest swoon, but decided he'd rather win instead.

* * *

><p>Mrs. Mary Ann Forrest read her husband's words quickly. She began to visibly shake and slowly sunk into a chair in her small parlor. She looked pale and fragile to Kid, but he doubted this was a normal condition for her, not when she answered the door with a rifle aimed at his heart. Her whole demeanor changed after she saw her husband's handwriting on the envelope.<p>

"I can't thank you two boys enough for bringing my dear Bedford's words to me so speedily. When I think that he was shot by those dreadful Yankee's at point blank range... but you do agree with this account? He is well? He will recover?" Mrs. Forrest asked as she held the letter in one trembling hand, while wiping tears from her eyes with her other.

"Ma'am, sometimes I ain't so sure your husband is the same sort of man as the rest of us. He was shot, sure, but he was walkin around almost like he wasn't when we left." Johnny assured her.

"Yes, I have reminded him he is merely flesh and blood more than once... and my son? How does he fare?" She asked.

"He is on his way to being as good a man as his father. He wanted to come with us, but decided to stay with your husband to make sure Colonel Forrest followed doctor's orders. I believe he will go with the Colonel to meet you in Memphis." Kid answered

"Bedford says as much in his letter. Oh how I have missed my men. As soon as I feed you brave soldiers a fine home cooked meal, I will begin to pack and close up this house. The sooner I leave for Memphis the sooner I can care for my husband as he recovers. I am so pleased his superiors are giving him leave to heal." She stood up quickly, gripping the letter to her chest.

"I will tell cook to begin the meal while I write my response. You will return then, this very night?" She asked lightly but Kid could see the desperation in her eyes. He exchanged a quick look to Johnny and caught his expression of resignation. There would be no warm beds tonight.

"Yes Ma'am. We'll hurry back to the Colonel as soon as we finish your fine meal, thank you for offering... is there a place we can wash up?" Kid asked as he glanced briefly at how dirty and out of place he and Johnny were in the nicely decorated room.

"Feeding you boys is the least I can do as you have brought me such a wonderful gift. There is a pump out back, you can refresh yourselves there." She nodded her head towards the back door as she hurried into the kitchen. Kid and Johnny left their gear on the floor and walked out the back. Johnny rolled his eyes.

"She's a real nice lady. Think she wants us out of here and back on the road bout as fast as our legs can carry us though."

Kid was about to tell him it was understandable when he looked up past the pump. The slave quarters were just ahead, about a dozen plain shacks in two small rows. Men, women and children lined up, bowl in hand to receive their dinner from another slave stirring a large pot. They all looked tired, hungry, dirty. A few of the men caught Kid's curious gaze but quickly averted their eyes to the ground. Kid began to feel an queer sensation in his stomach and his previous eagerness for the upcoming meal faded. Lou's words echoed in his mind. Drinking tea on the porch while slaves were whipped, she had said something like that. It had been a long time since he had seen this life so close, though he knew the evil well. It didn't set right at all. He heard Johnny calling, turned away quickly and headed back into the house.

* * *

><p>"We may not be sleepin in a bed tonight, but I almost don't mind. That was the best meal we've had in a coon's age." Johnny patted his belly, much leaner since enlistment but full all the same.<p>

"The food Mrs. Forrest packed for us will make this return trip easier still." Kid said feeling a little too full himself. He wasn't able to enjoy the meal of fine food and drink after seeing the reality of what, or rather who, made the plantation run. They rode down the main road back the way they came, Colonel Forrest's land stretched as far as he could see on the north side of the road. The slaves had finished their dinner as well and had returned to work tending to the cotton seedlings on the far side of the field by the road. He could hear a strong male voice raised in a mournful tune. Kid could barely make out the words,

"_Follow the drinking gourd, for the old man is waiting to carry you to freedom, follow the drinking gourd. When the sun come back and the first quail calls, then the time is come, follow the drinking gourd._"

"Kid, why are you slowing down? We need to cover some ground before dark." Johnny called out, somewhat annoyed.

"You don't hear that?" Kid asked, not taking his eyes off the field.

"Hear what? The negroes singing? So what?" Johnny turned his horse back around to join the spot where Kid had stopped to listen.

"The tune is familiar to me. Seems like the slaves was singing it the day I left my grandfather's plantation to come out west. Gave me the chills then. Hell, it's giving me the chills now. I wonder what it means? The words don't make any sense." Kid asked.

"Does it matter? Times a wasting." Johnny said with a turn of his head back to the road.

"Sure, sure." Kid muttered. He was about to kick his heels into the flank of his horse when he heard shouting from the fields reach his ears.

"_I've told you not to sing that damn song! How many times have I told you? You have sang your last, you schemin, no count.._."

The screaming and cussing continued as Kid saw the tall, well built white foreman leap from his horse with a whip in his hand. He beat on the man who had been singing with a fury that shocked Kid. The slave went down quickly and curled into a ball. The much larger white man kicked him in the side as he unwound his whip and let it fall with a crack Kid could hear clearly even from a distance.

"No...No... NO." Kid didn't even realize he was off his horse or speaking out loud until he felt Johnny grab his arm.

"What the hell are you doing, Kid?" Johnny growled as he held on tightly.

"That foreman is going to kill that slave! I can't just stand here and watch him do it!" Kid yelled as he struggled against Johnny's grip.

"Like hell you can't! I ain't going to have you risk everything we've got waiting for us back east over something that ain't even our business." Johnny shouted even louder than Kid.

Suddenly Kid noticed it was silent. He turned back to the fields and saw the foreman squinting at them as he realized he was being watched. Kid could see the man reining in his fury. He spoke to one of the women and made motion to the fallen man. Although Kid couldn't hear it, the foreman must've given the order for the beaten man to be picked up and carried back to his quarters. He could hear the sob of the woman echo over the field as she ran and dropped to her knees.

"_Noah! Oh sweet Jesus, Noah!"_

Kid's heart stopped in his chest. It couldn't be, his ears had to be playing tricks on him. Kid took a few steps forward as he watched the beaten man helped to his feet by the woman and another man. The man's broken body leaned heavy as the man and woman struggled to carry him off the field. The foreman kept his eyes locked towards them and took a few steps forward in Kid's direction. Even from their distance Kid could see the hate in the man's face, the challenge in his stance.

"Kid, I don't like that look. Obviously he ain't the type to mess with. I'm getting out of here, you coming or not?" Johnny asked as he tugged on Kid's arm. Kid felt his heart racing, a warring within. He couldn't take his eyes off the field, off the foreman and the other slaves who were slowly stooping over to return to their labor. He couldn't seem to make his feet move.

"Kid! Now! Let's go!" Johnny gave him one last tug as he jogged over to his waiting horse. The foreman continued to stare them down. Finally Kid blinked.

"Right behind you."

* * *

><p>Kid didn't say much for the rest of the day, by the time they stopped to make camp for the night a few hours later he knew Johnny was concerned. For the first time since he had known his friend he didn't know what to say to sort things out. He wondered if Johnny had ever even had a conversation with a slave, former slave or freeman, like Noah had been. Noah. As they put more miles between the plantation and themselves Kid grew increasingly convinced he must've heard the woman cry out 'no' instead of 'Noah', that had to be the only explanation. They finished a portion of food Mrs Forrest packed for them and the two friends went about the well practiced routine of cleaning up and settling in to sleep by the light of their low fire.<p>

"Kid? You still feelin sore bout this afternoon? Been thinkin about it this whole time, since you ain't been talkin to me and I've realized why you took that beatin so hard. Your... friend, the colored one who rode with you, his name's Noah too, ain't it?" Johnny muttered sleepily as he pulled his blanket over his shoulders. Kid who had been about ready to say goodnight and turn over, sat up straight.

"What? Say it again."

"Say what? Damn it, Kid. Maybe you were right... we shouldn't have let that slave get beat. I forgot you knew a colored man."

"Not that! The part about the name!"

"Noah... I heard the woman say 'Noah'. Geez Kid, you alright?"

"I thought I was hearing things... You know my friend Noah was a good man, and smart too, smarter than me easy. You would have liked him if you had given him a chance." Kid said shakily as he laid back down.

"I spect that's true. You know Kid, it's not that I like slaving, that's not why I'm fighting this war. It's our government reaching far and wide, farther than our founders ever intended. You can't force a whole way of life to change overnight without destroying the good and the bad. Once we win this thing, there'll be laws made and slavery will end over time. You'll see." Johnny said comfortingly. Kid involuntarily shivered. The sick feeling in the pit of his stomach was back.

"Yeah, I've argued as much before." Kid muttered, remembering Lou's tear stained face as he used that logic the night before he left her. Johnny let out a grunt of agreement, adding almost as an afterthought,

"and sides, if the negroes don't pick the cotton, who will? Me? You?"

Minutes later Johnny lay softly snoring. Sleep was much longer coming for Kid.

* * *

><p>He was back in the field again. Evening. Only the sky, the ground, every rock and tree was red. Like the sun had turned to blood. He heard the song, the sound of the whip, a cry of agony. Kid ran through the planted rows looking for the foreman. He had to stop him. There up ahead. The man was huge, his whip cracked once more. His foot smashed into the fallen man's body one last time and all was still. Kid ran faster and skidded to a stop in front of the man's body face down in the dirt. He was too late. He dropped to his knees, pushing the bloody and broken body over and let out a cry of anguish. Noah. <em>His<em> Noah. His friend's lifeless eyes stared at him, open wide, blood still ran fresh out the side of his mouth. Kid wept as he pulled Noah's body to him. He was ripped away with one hard jerk, pulled to his feet.

"_You'll take his place_." The foreman's voice boomed low as he shoved Kid forward, a hulking shadow behind him. Noah's body was gone. There was now only cotton, rows and rows of cotton stretching endlessly before him. He worked stooped over, back twisting, sweat running down his face along with dozens of other black men and women, all blurry to him. He felt the whip cut his back as he was forced to work faster. Then the cotton turned to tobacco, the fields to those he remembered running through as a child.

_"Work faster, slave"_ He heard snarled above him as he was shoved to the ground. Kid wanted to scream he wasn't a slave and fight back against the faceless white man hitting him, only as he held his arms out in front of him to block the blows he realized his skin was dark. He lay on the ground wracked with pain and gasping for breath. Faces of other slaves came into focus, care and concern seen briefly before putting their heads down, returning to work. Darkness seeped over the sky, a feeling of hunger and thirst overwhelmed him. As he struggled to his feet, a hand rested gently on his shoulder.

_"Drink" _

He looked up into a face vaguely familiar to him. It was the green eyed girl from his grandfather's plantation. She set a bucket of water before him, scooped a ladle full and held it out towards him. He reached for her, held the ladle. As he brought it towards his lips he saw light from the night sky reflected in the water. It was a pattern of stars, shining bright.

"Kid? Kid! Wake up! You're having a bad dream." Johnny shook Kid gently. Kid's eyes blinked open. He could feel the cold sweat and tears on his face and took a few shuddering breaths. Johnny leaned back on his haunches, genuine concern etched on his face.

"You alright?"

Kid ran a hand over his face and concentrated on steadying his breath before answering.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be alright."

"Well... ok then. Mean it's not surprising. We've seen things that'd give most men enough nightmares to last a couple lifetimes... you know what helps me get back to sleep? Moira... and thinking bout bein home in Virginia. Just think of Virginia, Kid."

Johnny waited until he saw Kid give him a slight nod in acknowledgement before settling down and going back to sleep. Kid lay in the dark, eyes open with an increasing sense of heartsickness and dread until dawn.

* * *

><p>"You know I have to tell him, right? I couldn't live with myself if I didn't" Kid asked as they rode towards Colonel Forrest's tent. They had rode hard, and with the mild spring weather, made good time back to Corinth. Johnny slumped slightly in his saddle.<p>

"Yeah, I know... and I'm not going to try and stop you, though I really wish you wouldn't. I'm goin to be really cross with you if he gets angry and decides not to transfer us after all."

"Well, it may make him angry, but I still think he'll keep his word. Anyways, he's got a right to know what's goin on at his own plantation." Kid said with more confidence than he felt. Johnny just muttered something about do gooders as they dismounted.

"I'll leave with Willie as soon as I can make this fool doctor see reason. Thank you boys for your quick return. I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow. You must be in an awful hurry for that promotion and transfer, eh boys?" Forrest asked, his amusement evident as he regarded his two soldiers nodding sheepishly.

"Have to say, it will be a shame to lose you two... but a promise is a promise. So my wife is well and she is on her way to Memphis, how goes my plantation? It seems to me you're not telling me everything." His eyes narrowed slightly.

Johnny let out a sigh and shuffled his feet as Kid cleared his throat.

"Well Sir, I did want to tell you one more thing. We saw a foreman on your plantation beat a slave within an inch of his life. He stopped when he realized he was being watched, otherwise, I'm sure the man would be dead."

"Really? What was the cause?" Forrest asked, alarmed.

"A slave was singing a song... something about a drinking gourd." Johnny added.

"That damn gourd song. Must've been Noah. Have had trouble with him trying to escape before."

"Sir? What does the song mean? Why would your man beat a slave over a song?" Kid asked, he had wondered over the answer for days now.

"You don't know? It's a song that works as a code. The gourd is the big dipper. It's directions to escape to the north." Forrest struggled to his feet from behind his desk, his wound obviously still causing him pain.

"So which of my foreman used excessive force?" Forrest asked quietly as he held his side.

"He was very tall, very broad. I believe he had darker hair. We only saw him from a distance." Kid answered.

"Simon." Forrest growled, "I've had to rein him in before. He's gone to far this time. He's going to have to find work elsewhere. I won't tolerate excessive force.. It's just common sense. My horse, my stock. If they are treated with a light hand and cared for, they work hard. It's the same with slaves. It's just good business. Only a damned fool beats their slaves."

Forrest went on to talk details of their promotion and gave them their transfer papers as well as a letter to give to their new commanding officer, JEB Stuart. With a salute, a firm handshake and a wish of good luck in their travels, they said their good byes to Forrest.

* * *

><p>"I knew Forrest was a decent sort, that he would be alright with it." Johnny said the next morning as they packed up their supplies in their tent to begin their journey east. Kid laughed.<p>

"Sure you did. You were wringing your hands like a woman."

"I was not!"

"I've seen little girls less worried." Kid laughed again as he dodged Johnny's punch to his arm. Johnny reared back his leg ready to connect with Kid's backside, but stopped mid-swing.

"Did you hear that? It's mail call and I think I heard my name! Wouldn't that be great? Getting a letter before we leave?"

Johnny turned quickly and ran out of the tent, his previous annoyance with Kid clearly forgotten. Kid sank back down onto his cot. He wanted to be happy for Johnny getting word from home, but it was just a reminder that he didn't have the same. They were about to leave for what they had always wanted. To defend their home soil in a cavalry unit that Kid felt from reputation alone was probably the greatest the world had ever seen. He should be ecstatic but instead he felt his purpose shaken and a growing emptiness inside. Maybe when he got to Virginia, when he finally reached his grandfather's plantation, he could change things. There had to be a way.

Johnny walked into the tent quietly, a curious expression on his face. He sat down on the cot across from Kid before speaking.

"It's a letter from Moira. She wrote it in February, but it's only found us now... why didn't you tell me this 'Jimmy' you've told me about was really 'Wild Bill Hickok'?" Johnny asked, a bit of hurt in his voice as he shuffled through the folded papers in his hands.

"What? Jimmy?" Kid asked, completely startled. Johnny nodded as he held a few letters out to Kid.

"These three are for you. Appears those I care about and those you care about, crossed paths... I need to finish reading Moira's tellin of it." Johnny said as he turned to Moira's letter.

Kid's hands shook as he opened the first letter. It was from Jesse. Kid could hear the boy's voice in his head as he told of meeting up with Jimmy and getting a bullet in the shoulder from Rosemary. Most of the letter complained about being treated like a baby and wanting to get back into the action as soon as his shoulder healed. He ended by thanking Kid for being his friend in Rock Creek and that he hoped they'd meet again after the war was over and the south was free.

The next was from Jimmy. Kid felt tears welling in his eyes, blurring the page from the first words. Jimmy was never much for putting thought to paper, but he could feel his care and friendship all the same. After a brief explanation of how he ended up on the Wallace farm, including that he would never see Rosemary again if he could help it, Jimmy ended with these words.

"_Kid, all those times we fought over this war and all the things we said bout how this country should go, well I spect that hasn't changed much. Doesn't matter. You're my brother Kid, now and always. I feel a fool some days for leavin Rock Creek, I mean to go back soon and I wish you was too. Ride safe Kid, come home to us someday. Your brother, Jimmy._"

Tears spilled down his cheeks and landed on the paper. Kid sniffed and ran his sleeve over his eyes.

"Good letter, huh?" Johnny asked, a smile growing on his face as he saw a weight seem to lift off Kid's shoulders. Kid smiled sheepishly at being caught crying.

"It is. Jimmy ain't 'Wild Bill' to me. He's my brother." Kid set that letter aside and looked at the third letter curiously.

"This has gotta be from Jesse's brother Frank... wonder why? I never met him."

Kid opened the letter and read quickly. His whole demeanor changed. His face hardened and went dark. With a muttered curse, stronger than Johnny had ever heard Kid use, Kid jumped to his feet, crumpled the letter into a ball and stormed out. Johnny stood up and reached for the letter, opening the paper and scanned the words.

_ "I've never met you before but thought I'd drop you a line. Jesse's told me how you looked after him when he lived in Rock Creek and now you're fighting for the Cause in the Confederacy, sos I know you must be a good man. Cause of that I felt you had a right to know. I overheard Hickok tell Jesse something and make him promise not to tell you. Lou's pregnant with your baby, bout seven months along I've heard. Seems your half breed friend is in love with her too and meaning to help her raise your child. Thought you'd want to know. Frank James."_

"Hell... Oh damn it... Kid, Kid!" Johnny shouted as he flung the paper down and ran out of the tent after his friend.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The beginning scene is the day after the battle of Shiloh was officially over. It was called "The battle of fallen timbers" and Forrest did go all Rambo in it. A very complicated and contradictory person, Nathan Bedford Forrest. He's definitely worth reading about, and yes he did go by "Bedford".**

**I know I am mean to give Kid one really happy moment after all he's been through recently only to have it all come crashing down and leave it there! I will come back to him, I promise! I will be taking a break though from this story for a little bit to work on something the ladies and I have cooking. It's going to be awesome! You'll see :) **

**I've been taking a while to update so thanks for sticking with me, let me know what you think!**


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 24- April 1862

_She danced faster around the flames. Drums beat, feet stomped and shook to the rhythm. She twirled with her tribe, praying for the Great Spirit to grant her the vision she desperately sought. 'There has been so much pain, so much loss... where do I go now, if not to join those I love?' She glanced at the ceremonial cuts the medicine man had made on her arms, blood trickled a small river down her arms to her fingertips. 'My heart's blood still flows for my children, my husband. Though my mourning time is finished and many moons have passed... why can I not obey the wishes of my Chief? Become the wife of the one he has chosen?" She danced on, eyes trained, yet unseeing the sacred fire. The flames grew taller and waved towards her. She stopped, knelt a few feet away from the dancers and watched, eyes wide. The flames opened to tall prairie grass and clear skies. She saw a stag sprinting over the hills, its head held high. Behind the stag came a wolf, large with teeth bared. The wolf ran alongside the stag. She was sure the wolf would leap for the throat of its prey, but instead the wolf kept pace with the stag. They ran side by side over the hills and into the forest. Then she saw a bird caught in a thistle. The stag disappeared, the wolf stayed. She could hear growling of other wolves all around them. This large wolf let out a menacing growl, picked the bird up in his jaws and set it free. Then the flames of the sacred fire returned as did the sound of the drums. The woman's breath caught in her throat as tears filled her eyes. She knew what she must do._

"_You have not failed to tell me anything, this is all you saw?" Her chief looked at her sternly._

"_It is."_

_His face flickered his distress in the darkness. _

_ "I am sure the meaning is as clear to you, as it is to me."_

_ "Yes... I will not marry Long Spear. I must leave my people and follow this vision."_

_ "Dark Sparrow, my blood kin. It is a lonely and dangerous road. It has been very painful for... "_

_She couldn't help but interrupt him._

_ "My spirit died the day I set the funeral pyre for my husband and children. Long Spear does not want a ghost for a wife. The Great Spirit has chosen a different path."_

_ "Then you must go."_

_She held out her arms and put her hands firmly in his grasp._

"_Good bye."_

_Her chief watched her slight form slip out of his tipi and disappear into the night. He had lost another._

* * *

><p>"Now Jimmy, if you keep bouncing him like that you'll be wearing what he just ate all over your nice clean shirt." Emma Cain scolded as she looked up from the stove.<p>

"Aw Emma, he likes it, don't you, Short stack?" Jimmy said, his voicing rising as he turned his attention back to the baby gurgling in his lap. The baby giggled in delight and clapped his chubby hands together.

"There now, you see? Happiest baby there ever was." Jimmy said smugly a few seconds before letting out a startled yelp.

"When will you ever learn and listen when I warn you? You're about as bad as Sam." Emma said with a laugh as she moved through the kitchen to the table. Jimmy held the baby out at arm's length and stared with dismay at the spit up all over the baby and on his shirt.

"Junior, why'd you have to go and make me look bad in front of your Ma? Here I was defending you."

Emma let out a snort as she took her son from Jimmy's arms and wiped the child's mouth before handing the burp cloth over to Jimmy.

"His name is Samuel and it is a fine name. Don't know why you and Sam have to call him everything under the sun except his God given name. Now Mr. Samuel, you are coming with me and you're going to get all cleaned up. We'll give your uncle Jimmy here time to change."

Jimmy watched Emma cuddle her son against her chest. The baby nestled into the crook of her neck. She glanced up at Jimmy and her eyes danced with pure joy as she placed a kiss on her son's red curls, a perfect match for her own. Emma walked by Jimmy up the stairs to the bedroom she shared with Sam and her son. Jimmy heard the bedroom door softly close and stood up from the table and walked out of the house. He took off his outer shirt and set it on the bench. Then he sat down on the steps and leaned back on his elbows and took in the sunset.

It was a warm spring night, but in only his long john shirt he wished for his jacket all the same. The last five weeks had been some of the best he'd had in ages. He remembered the evening he had rode in to the yard. Emma put a hand over her eyes straining to see. Once she realized it was Jimmy she had quickly handed the baby to her husband, picked up her skirts and ran to see him, crushing him in her embrace the second he dismounted from his horse. 'My boy, Jimmmy, welcome home.' She had cried tears of joy for him. Her brown eyes radiated warmth. Then Sam was there with a firm handshake and a laugh about what had taken him so long. He was with people who loved him and he was home, or at least it used to be home. During the day he kept busy enough helping Sam out at the Marshall's office. Jimmy suspected this was just part of Sam and Emma's scheme to keep him around longer, it didn't matter though, he was glad to earn his keep during his visit. There were also the hours of meals and fattening up under Emma's care. She had declared him skins and bones, and while he was pretty sure that was hardly true, he had lost weight since the end of the Express.

When he wasn't eating or helping Sam, he spent time with Emma and little Samuel who was about eight months old. It had occurred to him earlier that day as he sat on the floor pushing a ball gently back and forth across the floor to Samuel, that he was a very different man than the boy who rode onto Emma's farm about two years ago exactly. Had he really done all that living in only two years? There had been so much learned, loved and lost, it seemed enough for a lifetime. The boy two years ago wouldn't have appreciated the simple pleasure of rolling a ball to a happy baby. It had taken him a while to realize what a gift Sam and Emma were too. Sometimes he couldn't figure out why she loved them all so fiercely. The Pony Express had opened the way station on her farm and taken it over, she had done back breaking work caring for the riders and landed in trouble with them more than once and through it all she had always been their most loyal defender. Sam too, in his own way. The tall and broad Marshall had been a gunfighter once, but made the choice to find a different path and had found it in the law and in Emma. He had fought for Jimmy in the past too. They had cared for him then and they cared for him now. He wasn't sure he was worth the trouble, but after a few days of just being around them and how they were, he felt the weight that had been pressing down on him start to lift.

It was the moments of quiet in the evenings though that left him uneasy. The farm was the same, but it wasn't. The bunk house still sat by the main house, but it was falling to disrepair. Sam had mentioned they should tear it down as it wasn't being used, but Emma had told him she wasn't ready. When Jimmy first arrived he had volunteered to sleep in the bunk house, or Teaspoon's old tack room, but Emma wouldn't hear of it, insisting he sleep in the second bedroom of the house. Samuel wasn't old enough to use it anyways, she had said. Privately Jimmy was relieved. The idea of sleeping in his old bunk with none of the others around him, but feeling the ghosts of memories and happier times all the same, left him with such a longing for those days it was almost painful.

The sun slipped over the hills, taking the last bit of warmth with it. Jimmy sat back up and rubbed his arms to ward off the chill. Ike had sat on these very steps with him, as had Noah... they were gone from this earth now and everyone else was scattered too, following paths they were passionate about whether he agreed with them or not. He felt aimless, like he was blowing in the wind. He was able bodied; he could be an infantryman, or a scout like Cody, or he could get back to working with the Underground Railroad. It would be better than working with Rosemary's men again. Jimmy could almost think of her without immediately becoming angry and embarrassed now. Emma had gone a long way in helping him deal with that, just by having a listening ear and her usual common sense advice. No better choice than to dust yourself off and move on a wiser man from the trial, she had said with total conviction as well as confidence that Jimmy had learned his lesson. He hoped so, one Rosemary had been too many.

Sam had offered Jimmy a deputy position in Sweetwater, while mentioning there would always be a spot for Buck as well. It was a nice offer and he appreciated it, part of him was even tempted to take it, but he knew as long as the war was going on and the rest of his family lived in Rock Creek, he wouldn't be able to make it stick for very long and had told Sam so. He'd need to be getting back to Rock Creek soon anyway, he could do simple math and knew Lou would be due soon. Maybe Rock Creek wouldn't be his permanent home either, but he wanted to be there for Lou and Buck. There would be a lot of changes coming their way. He could pick up some of the slack on the ranch, on top of a new baby, he knew calving season was right around the corner.

"So Junior got you, huh? It was bound to happen." Sam said from his horse after riding in. Jimmy was so lost in his own thoughts, he had barely noticed.

"Don't know how a baby that sweet can bring up something so foul." Jimmy answered somewhat distractedly after Sam walked over to the porch from the barn.

"You ain't changed one of his nappies, now that is foul."

Emma opened the front door, it was clear from her disgruntled expression she had heard Sam's comment.

"Sam Cain you have only changed one or two wet nappies in Samuel's whole life, and I see you setting to roll one of your cigarettes. If you must indulge your filthy habit, keep it on the porch and wash up too before you come in for this fine dinner I made. Won't have you smelling like a saloon." She paused to wait and see if he would argue her but instead he just leaned against one of the support beams as he pulled out his rolling papers. A slow smile spread across his face that reached his eyes.

"I love you too, Emma Cain."

He followed it up with a wink, and as she walked over to give him a playful smack on the arm, he returned it with a pat to her backside.

"Sam!" She said blushing even as she tried to hide her smile.

"What, I can't show my appreciation for the prettiest woman in the territory?" Sam asked innocently even as his smile grew wider.

"Not like that! Not in front of the boy!" Emma said running a hand over her dress to smooth it as she quickly moved away from her husband. Sam and Jimmy both laughed at that.

"Emma, I think if you opened your eyes you'd see Jimmy ain't a boy no more and has had his fair share of experience with women."

"We don't need to get into all of that." Jimmy said quickly.

"Now see what you've done Sam? You've embarrassed the boy. Of course I know he's a man now and has more manly knowledge, but can't you just let me see him as my boy Jimmy for a bit? Now Jimmy, you're going to catch cold, here..." She said as she disappeared into the house for second, "here's your jacket. I know Sam will want some company as he has his evening smoke, but come in soon before dinner is all cold and eaten... by me."

The door closed firmly before another word could be said. Jimmy eased into his jacket as he exchanged a knowing look with Sam who now joined him on the steps.

"Figure we have bout ten minutes before she comes back out here and drags us in by our ears... smoke?" Sam asked as he held out the cigarette he just finished rolling. Jimmy nodded, took some matches out of his pocket and struck one against the sole of his boot. He had avoided smoking and drinking while riding for the Pony Express as it was against company policy, but he felt no such restriction now. Sam lit his own and they inhaled in unison, letting the smoke fill their lungs.

"Sometimes I wish the station had never moved from Sweetwater. There ain't much better view of a sunset than this porch right here." Jimmy said, breaking the comfortable silence. Sam grunted in agreement.

"When I was sitting in my office in Omaha, listening to some know-nothing politician tell me how to do my job, I'd think about this piece of land and this town. Made me realize there ain't no mount of money and no title worth more than being where you feel you belong. Emma couldn't wait to move back here, specially after she found out she was carrying."

"Wish Sweetwater and Rock Creek were closer together instead of on two sides of the territory. Both places feel like home and it ain't a short ride."

"Speaking of Rock Creek, I got a letter from Teaspoon in my back pocket, going to save it as a surprise for Emma after dinner. Picked it up in town after finishing up at the Anderson farm." Sam said with a sly smile as he took one final drag on his cigarette and flicked the butt into the yard.

"Yeah? Be good to hear some news, it's been a few months since I've heard anything... so did cattle rustlers take Mrs. Anderson's prize milker like she thought?" Jimmy asked with a chuckle as put out his cigarette on the step and stretched out his legs.

"It had wandered off through her rickety back gate just like I told her. Found it a mile down the road, chewing on its own cud." Sam made a face as Jimmy started to laugh. Jimmy laid a hand on Sam's shoulder.

"Well any day you're herding cows instead of shooting someone is a good day, I guess."

"Don't know bout that, day ain't over yet, Jimmy." Sam frowned as Jimmy laughed harder before easing into a smile, he sighed,

"Com'on our food is probably cold... and eaten by now."

* * *

><p>Jimmy found dinner to be an enjoyable affair in the Cain household and this night was no exception. The food was always delicious and the conversation, entertaining. Sam and Emma acted more like an old married couple than a pair married less than two years. The back and forth of their talk was like two people dueling with words and it was interrupted only by Samuel throwing his food on the floor and then clapping at the achievement.<p>

"Well, I guess that marks the end of dinner, don't it, Short stack?" Jimmy smiled as Emma got up and rolled her eyes, once again muttering about her son's God given name.

"Emma, don't worry about the mess, I'll get it, why don't you set down and read this, been saving it as a surprise." Sam reached into his pocket and passed the letter to her as he walked over to his son and began to clean up.

"You've been holding out on us Sam? Oh it's from Mr. Spoon! Jimmy, I'll read it out loud for us. I know you must be wanting to hear news about as bad as I am."

Jimmy said yes he sure was as he poured himself a cup of coffee. He had been wondering all through dinner about the letter, but managed to stay patient, another thing he wouldn't have been able to do two years ago. Emma waited until Sam got back from putting the baby to bed and settled in to the chair by her favorite lamp.

"Well it's dated late February. He starts by saying Amanda and a man named Janusz got married as well as himself and Rachel, oh how wonderful, was wondering when those two would get around to it! Now he goes on to say he has news about Lou..." Emma's voice trailed off. She visibly paled and put her hand over her mouth, covering her gasp.

"What, what is it?" Jimmy leaned forward in his chair as Sam sprang up out of his and crossed the room to her side. She reached her hand out to Sam. Jimmy nearly shouted at her to spit it out. He could see tears gathering in her eyes. Instinctively he reached for the gun he wasn't wearing as his heart raced.

"Jimmy, Lou's baby came early, too early. She had a little girl she named Angel and the day after she was born..." Emma choked on her words, she took a deep breath and continued, "My sweet Lulubelle had to bury her child... Oh Sam!" Emma stood up and let Sam wrap his arms around her as she started to cry. The letter hung limp in her hand. Jimmy stood and reached for the letter, to read it for himself. He could hear Teaspoon's voice, carefully choosing the words to tell Emma the news. Teaspoon wrote the words that Lou was doing alright, but in such a way Jimmy doubted that Teaspoon actually believed them. Jimmy cursed as he tossed the letter on the table. Emma looked up at the sound.

"Oh I have done a terrible thing Jimmy. I have broken that poor child's heart twice over. Sam, remember I said I sent a letter to Lou last week? It was chock full of advice about caring for a newborn. I wanted to make sure it got there round the time she was due." Emma pulled away from Sam and rubbed her temples, "I told her all the pain of bringing your child into the world is forgotten once you hold them, see their first smile... I even talked bout the way a baby smells, when you nuzzle your nose against their cheek. I wanted to give her hope and all I've done is pour salt in her wound!"

"Emma you couldn't have known." Sam murmured as he tried to pull Emma into his arms once more, she stiffened.

"That don't make it right." She cried. "I wish I could do something... anything to undo what I have done."

"I need to leave, git back to Rock Creek." Jimmy said as he moved quickly to the stairs.

"Oh no you don't, Jimmy Hickok. There will be no talk of you leaving without you taking me with you. Sam, I have to go help my Lulubelle."

Jimmy was about to open his mouth that this was a terrible idea but Sam beat him to it.

"Emma, even if Samuel was old enough to travel like that, which you know he ain't, how do you think it would be to have our own little angel come with you? Do you think that would be any easier for her?" He asked gently. Emma stood, mouth open. Jimmy could see her rapidly trying to find an argument that worked. Then she clamped her mouth shut and sank into her chair in defeat. Finally, she looked up at Jimmy, her eyes pleading.

"I may not be able to go, but you can't either, least not till I write a letter tonight. Don't know what I could possibly say to help mend her heart, but I need to write something."

Jimmy looked into Emma's eyes and then to Sam.

"I'll leave at first light. I'm going to start packing my things."

Jimmy stared at the ceiling for what seemed like forever, waiting for sleep to come. He didn't know why he was in such a rush to get back to Rock Creek exactly, other than to do the one thing he knew he was good at, get a letter there quickly. He could ride fast and he could shoot a gun, but he was at a loss as to how he could help the woman he viewed as a sister. Maybe once he got there he'd know what to say. Just as he could feel the heaviness of sleep resting on him, he heard a mournful noise out the window. It was a wolf, only one. Its plaintive howl echoed from the nearby hills. Jimmy's eyes snapped open. The lonesome call rang in his ears. Everything he had felt coming back to Sweetwater alone reverberated in that one mournful cry to the moon. It left him chilled. He wrapped himself tighter in his blanket and slept at last.

* * *

><p>Jimmy glanced back at Sweetwater one last time as he led his horse on the road east. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, that he may never see the town again. Emma's pale face swam before his eyes and he hoped that feeling wasn't true. She had been every inch the protective mother he had always known her to be when they said their goodbyes. Sam looked on as she fussed over Jimmy one last time, muttering that he would not starve carrying her letter back to Rock Creek. He was now saddled with twice the provisions he usually carried when he travelled. Sam had paid him a little for deputizing him during his visit. Jimmy didn't want to take the money, but Sam was about as stubborn as he was, the only one more so was probably Emma. He had held his little Short stack a little tighter that morning as well. The baby responding by blowing a raspberry right in his face and drooling on his jacket. It didn't matter. He would miss them all. Before leaving town he stocked up on tobacco, rolling papers, and ammo. Being in Sweetwater this time around may have made him feel like more of a family man, but that didn't mean the rest of the world saw the change he felt.<p>

He needed to be on alert anyway, the further he got away from town, the closer he got to Indian territory. The most trouble he had with Indians was when the Pony Express station had been out this far west, at the edge of the territory. It had made Buck's life miserable on more than one occasion, forcing his friend to choose his "white family" over his tribe. Jimmy let his mind wander as he travelled several hours east, remembering all the previous rides on the same trails.

It was the shouts of a harsh and angry voice followed by clear cries of a woman that snapped his head to attention. He turned his horse's lead towards the sound and galloped forward, clearing the top of the hill. What greeted his eyes turned his stomach. In the glen below, by a stand of willow trees next to a brook was a large brute of a man forcing himself on an Indian woman. She fought and squirmed and tried to bite. The man caught both of her small hands in one of his and punched her hard in her face, then her side.

"Stop fighting me squaw... you _will_ give me what I want!"

She cried out against him in her native language, shrieking as her panic grew. Jimmy threw the lead for his horse in a nearby bush and quickly moved in. The man hadn't seen him yet. He moved silently around back, his rage building with each step he took as he grew closer. The man was grunting now in the effort of keeping the woman under control as he tried to pull down his pants. Jimmy fought to hold his temper in check as he crept in. He was a few feet away now. His hand was steady as he raised his gun and cocked it.

"Might want to reconsider what you're doing, if you like your head where it is." He said with deceptive calm. The man whipped around at his waist to look at Jimmy. He was older, fat around the middle... a grizzled mountain man off his usual path.

"What the?" He exclaimed as he saw the gun pointed straight for his heart.

The woman shoved the man back with her hands and tried to move away. Her eyes met Jimmy's and held them. He could read the terror in their depths, not just for her would-be rapist and attacker but for him as well. Jimmy's eyes shifted back to the stuttering piece of filth in front of him, pulling up his pants. He wouldn't be distracted by the woman while this man still lived.

"You ain't got no right, interruptin me. Go find your own, boy." The man groused as he fumbled around with his belt. One hand reached slowly reached for his jacket. Jimmy caught the motion.

"See, that's where you're wrong. I've never taken a shine to your kind before, I'm not as like to start now." Jimmy narrowed his eyes. The man's hand slipped under his jacket.

"That's right, go for your gun. It'll be the last thing you do before I send you to hell."

The man's face twisted in fury, he cursed and with a jerk pulled his gun out from under his jacket. The man barely raised his arm before Jimmy's shout rang out, the force of the bullet threw the man back. He fell onto the dirt in a heap.

"Better than you deserve." Jimmy muttered as he walked over and kicked at the bloody man. He didn't move.

Jimmy turned back to the woman and stopped, really seeing her for the first time. She looked long and thin to him, like a reed. She had long black hair to match with a slight wave in it. It was partially covering her face, but slowly she turned her head to him. Her eyes were deep brown, almost black and held unshed tears. The raw pain and fear in her gaze pulled at his heart. He noticed her bruises next, across her strong jaw and cheeks. He took a step towards her, and held his hand out. She raised her arms in front of her instinctively and then winced at the motion. She had cuts and bruises on her hands and arms. Her legs too from what he could see of them from under her torn buckskin dress. The way she held her side, made him think the bastard could have cracked her ribs, or worse.

"I'm not going to hurt you, you can trust me." Jimmy said quietly.

He took another small step forward. She said something in her native tongue that sounded like a warning. Jimmy cursed himself internally. He had never been the best at Indian sign when Ike was alive. He relied on Buck too often to translate and most of what he had known he had forgotten since Ike's death. He did remember a few though, including one he desperately hoped she'd understand. He re-holstered his gun.

"I'm your friend." He said as he joined his two hands together and shook them slightly. Her eyes widened with understanding. Her expression softened slightly before her eyes flitted behind him. She let out a yelp of alarm and pointed. Jimmy turned around only to feel the man he thought was dead slam into him. The force of the larger man's weight caused him to lose his balance and fall to the ground.

"If I die, I'm taking you with me!" The man choked out.

He grabbed onto Jimmy's throat and started to squeeze. Blood from the man's mouth hit Jimmy's face as Jimmy gasped for air. Jimmy's hands flailed, then found their grip around the man's neck. Jimmy twisted his body and kicked, finally connecting with the man's groin. The man lessened his hold for a fraction of a second. Jimmy felt a surge of strength, as rage coursed through him. He threw the man over onto his back and growled every curse word he knew as he squeezed. The man started to gag, his arms grasped and his legs flailed as Jimmy tightened his grip, his hands like a steel vise. Jimmy's arms shook as the man's eyes bugged out of his head. Finally the man fell limp. Jimmy gasped as he sat back on his haunches, his hand going to his throat. He still felt the sting of being choked and tried to steady his breathing. Slowly his took to his feet. The man was truly dead this time, his eyes still bulged grotesquely, and his tongue hung out of his bloody mouth. Jimmy gave him an extra hard kick just to be sure.

"You better stay dead this time, bastard."

Jimmy turned back towards the woman. He found her slumped to her side.

"Oh no", he groaned as he quickened his stride towards her. He knelt down next to her and touched her hand, then brushed her hair away from her face.

"Please, stay with me alright?"

Her eyes fluttered open. Jimmy could see she was losing the battle to stay conscious. Jimmy squeezed her hand a little harder.

"I'm your friend remember? We was just getting to know each other before that piece of filth decided he wasn't done dying. Where do you hurt? Is it your ribs?" Jimmy asked, he slowly moved his hand out of hers and touched her side, his eyes a question. She seemed to understand and grimaced, giving him a slight nod of her head.

"Well, I might need to look more closely than I think you'll let me." Jimmy scooted closer to her. He touched the other side of her ribs and her stomach gently, never taking his eyes off hers, gauging her reaction. She was being brave but Jimmy could tell she was bruised everywhere. He could only pray it wasn't much more serious than that. If she was bleeding on the inside, there wouldn't be much he could do. Her eyes remained fixed on him, unblinking. She frowned for a moment, then raised her eyebrows, as if startled. She spoke in her native tongue, she sounded surprised. She pointed at Jimmy and then made a sign, taking her hand to her shoulder palm out, two fingers up and moved her hand away from herself. Jimmy frowned in confusion, after a few seconds he remembered what the sign was, but it didn't make any sense.

"I'm... I'm a wolf?" He asked.

She gave him a small nod. Then her eyes rolled back into her head as she passed out in his arms.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This took me forever to write! Sorry for such a long time in between updates. Hmmmm who is this mysterious woman? You'll find out more next chapter. :)**

**Let me know what you think!**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 25

At last he saw the sign he had been looking for. He saw her eyelashes flutter against her cheeks in the long shadow cast from the fireplace. She rolled her head to the side on the fur pelt and let out a groan, her hand reflexively moving to the sharpest pain in her side. Jimmy stopped what he was doing and stood as still as a statue on the other side of the room, hardly daring to breathe, lest he startle her. Her eyes slowly opened and she frowned as she adjusted to the light. Any second now she'd realize she wasn't alone and that things were much different than what she last remembered. Every fiber of Jimmy's being was on alert. He had no idea how she'd react.

She came to full alertness and gasped, eyes wide as she struggled to sit up, each move looking like it caused her great pain. Jimmy wanted to run to her side and help her as he had been doing, but instinct held him back. She looked down at her clothes and realized they were not her own. Then her head flew up, she knew she wasn't alone now. Her eyes frantically scanned the room until her gaze fell on Jimmy in the corner.

"Hello, friend" He signed as he spoke barely above a whisper.

"You had me worried there for a bit, I should have known you were made of stronger stuff."

He slowly crossed the room, his hands up as if in surrender. His colts where in his saddle bags on the floor, nowhere to be seen. She continued to stare, unmoving. Her chest rose and fell as she breathed rapidly, betraying her nerves as he finally crouched next to her pallet bed of furs.

"I suppose you probably have a lot of questions for me, and I'm going to try and answer them. I'm going to sign as many words as I can, you'll have to fill in the missing ones. Wish I had paid more attention when I had the chance, believe me." He said, signing about half of what he spoke.

'How we here? Where is here?' She spoke in her native tongue while using sign. She tried to sit up again, but this time the pain was too great. She fell back to the bed, tears forming in her eyes.

"Please, just let me..." Jimmy said as he pulled some furs behind her head, then he gently helped her scoot back until she was propped up and could see the room, and Jimmy, well.

'Thank you' She signed. Her voice croaked out the words.

"You need water. Well of course she needs water, Jimmy. Should have thought of that one." Jimmy muttered to himself as he signed the word water. He came back moments later with a full canteen and offered it to her. She took it and raised it to her lips and took a long drink. Jimmy watched as some of the water came out too fast and ran past her mouth and down her neck. His hand reached out to wipe the water away from her throat but he caught himself before he did and instead made a motion to take the canteen from her. She passed it over and leaned back into the furs.

'Tell me... all.' She signed after wiping her mouth carefully with the back of her hand. Her lip was cracked on one side, her jaw and cheek were badly bruised. Jimmy couldn't look at the injuries without feeling angry all over again. Even killing the man with his bare hands seemed too good for him. Jimmy sat down Indian style next to her and made himself comfortable.

"Alright, I'll tell you everything. You passed out in my arms and after I knew for sure you were only sleeping, I figured I had to find a safe place for us. I remembered this trapping cabin. My friends and I, we've used it for shelter before when we used to live out here. Anyways, I found your horse and your supplies and made up the saddest excuse for a travois ever built. I'm glad you didn't see it... and brought you here. I left the man where he was. He'll make a nice meal for the buzzards and the other wild animals, if they can stomach him. I've been caring for you for two days now. Was starting to worry you weren't going to wake up, but now you have."

He stopped and looked at her uncertainly. He knew he had only been able to put the right sign to about half of what he had been trying to tell her. Inwardly he cursed again for about the hundredth time, wishing Buck was here. She frowned at him then signed,

'You built travois, brought me here and care for me? And man is now food for animals?'

Jimmy let out a slight smile.

"Yep, that's what I was getting at."

'Good... and clothes?'

Jimmy let his eyes fall to the floor. He had seen every intimate part of her in the last several days and she knew it. It had to be done, she probably understood that, but for some reason he still felt real uncomfortable about it.

"I'm sorry, Your dress, well it was torn up pretty bad. I have it over in the corner if you have a mind to fix it. You're wearing one of my shirts and my long john bottoms. You had some cuts on your back, and I did the best I could to wash them off and bandage them."

She looked him in the eye, unashamed.

'I will burn the dress.'

Jimmy saw the steely calm in her eyes, the hardening of her bruised jaw.

"Alright, we'll burn it."

She slowly nodded her head.

'Name? Your name?'

"It's Jimmy."

She slowly imitated the word, allowing his name to roll off her tongue. Jimmy's heart raced at the sound of it. He took a deep breath, he couldn't let himself react to her like that, not when she was injured, especially since her injuries were at the hand of a white man. It was amazing to him that her eyes were not filled with hate just looking at him.

"What's your name?" Jimmy asked.

She signed the word and said her name. The sign looked like a small bird.

"Hmmm, that could be a bunch of different type of birds. Like a robin, or a finch a meadow lark, or a sparrow."

Something clicked with the last name and her eyes snapped to attention at the sound of it.

"Sparrow? is that your name? It seems to suit you."

She nodded and made the sign again, the beginnings of a smile played at the corners of her mouth.

"Sparrow" She repeated in English.

"So, Jimmy and Sparrow. After a few days we're finally properly introduced." He smiled wider at that. His smile quickly faded as he saw Sparrow start to squirm, she frowned and her eyes shifted around the room.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he leaned forward. His hand reached out and touched her arm before he could stop himself.

'I'm hungry... and my water... I need to...' She made a motion toward her lower abdomen, for the first time Jimmy could see a look that could almost be described as embarrassment cross her face.

"Damn it. Of course... you need to... well, how are we going to do this? Where is that bucket, I saw it around here somewheres."

Jimmy got up of the floor and came back with the bucket and set it at the edge of the bed.

"Well, I know of no women in my family who would like to be in this position, needing help to do this, but I can't think of no other way. With all your bruising, and those cracked ribs of yours..."

He didn't even bother trying to sign any of his words, other than help. He knew she understood him. She sighed and closed her eyes before opening them again. The tears were back. She was frustrated, he could feel it.

'Yes, help.'

She moved her legs slowly to the edge of the bed and reached her arms up to him. As gently as he could he put his arms around her and pulled her to the edge of the bed and lifted her up as he gave a slight tug to the too large bottoms she was wearing. They fell to the floor. Her legs were shaking from the effort to help support her weight. She raised her head and looked him in the eye. Jimmy's breath caught in his throat as he looked at the naked vulnerability and trust found in the wide darkness of her gaze. He felt like she was staring into his very soul. He gulped.

"Ok, just lean into me, I got you."

She nodded and dropped her head against his chest. After a few minutes she was finished.

"See that wasn't so bad. We'll get used to that til it's no big deal at all." He said as he briskly helped her pull her pants back up. Then he put one arm behind her back and one under her legs as he moved her back to her spot on the bed. He quickly took the bucket and dumped it outside.

"You was saying you're hungry too. I have some bread. Not sure how your jaw will feel chewing it but you can try. I've been meaning to go hunting too, but I haven't wanted to leave you for very long."

He signed bread as he rustled through the bundle Emma packed for him. He came back with several pieces, wrapped in a cloth. She took one of the slices and tore it in small pieces, then chewed one bite gingerly. She washed it down with a sip of water, then repeated the process again. She never took her eyes off Jimmy but he could tell her hunger was winning out over her curiosity for him.

"I have so many questions for you. I wish I could make you understand 'em. I'm wondering where you were going and if you were traveling alone... and if you were traveling alone, why you were. I'm wondering if you have a family worried sick about you out there somewhere... a husband maybe, or children."

Jimmy's hands stopped in mid thought as he returned to sit next to her. Something in her expression gave him pause. Even with his rudimentary signing skills, she had understood him. Her hand moved to her stomach and her expression darkened. Jimmy hung his head and shook it a little bit. Even in sign he couldn't keep his big mouth shut. In caring for her he has seen the small silvery marks on her stomach. He had been around enough women to know she had given birth before, and he could just tell she realized that too... that he had seen the proof that she had carried a child.

"I'm sorry. You've only just met me, you don't have to answer anything. It ain't none of my business. I have no right to pry. I just want to make sure you get to where you belong, is all." Jimmy said as he tried to meet her eyes.

He didn't want to pressure her, but at the same time he was burning with curiosity. Lord help him, there was something about her that drew him in and made him care and he needed to know if she belonged to someone else before he allowed himself to feel anything more than just concern for her. She slowly chewed the bite she was working on, then she set her bread down and closed her eyes. She laid perfectly still for a long moment, Jimmy almost wondered if she was falling back to sleep, he leaned closer to get a better look and frowned as a tear escaped the corner of her eye, she wiped it away with the back of her hand and finally opened her eyes and let out a deep sigh.

'I will tell you my story. When I was fifteen summers I left my people. I married a Sioux. It was to help peace between our people. Fast Thunder was a brave warrior, strong. He was a good man. We had two children, two boys. The white man's sickness came to our village, my husband, my children, they had spots. Many had these spots and died... The medicine man, he used our medicines and prayed. Nothing worked.' Sparrow hands fell to her sides as her voice cracked. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry" Jimmy murmured as he reached out and lightly covered her hand with his own. It sounded like measles to him, he knew whole villages had been wiped out by the sickness in the past. Sparrow took a slow, shuddering breath and let her hand slip out from under Jimmy's.

'After my time of mourning was finished I came back to my people. I did not want to stay with the Sioux. My chief and my people welcomed me home. After many moons the Great Spirit gave me a vision and I knew I had to leave, alone.' The stubborn light was back in her dark eyes and Jimmy had to smile at how strong she seemed.

"But to leave, _alone_. Ain't that strange? Why'd they let you go alone? What did you see in this vision anyways?"

Sparrow's eyes narrowed and her lips pursed into a thin line. She had such defined features, even with their womanly delicateness she seemed every inch a warrior. The defiant tilt of her head, the challenge in her eyes, it all seemed very familiar to him.

'My vision told me I needed to find my path alone. My chief understood this. Then I would find the stag... and the wolf.'

Jimmy's eyes widened as he followed her hands, his mind processing what she signed.

"Wolf? You called me a wolf when you first spoke to me, after... after I found you." Jimmy said, shaking his head in disbelief.

'I tell you this?' She frowned, surprise obvious on her face.

"Yeah, you may not remember saying it now, but I remember. You called me a wolf... was I in your vision?" He asked quietly. She hesitated before answering.

'I think so, yes.'

"As a... wolf. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

'In vision, wolf was good,' she signed, meeting his eyes.

Jimmy breathed a small sigh of relief.

"I'm glad. I want you to know you're safe with me." He said, making sure he got the sign for 'safe' correct. Then a realization hit him suddenly.

"And this part about the stag... What tribe are you?" Jimmy asked slowly, his signs very deliberate.

She looked at him curiously. She drew two straight fingers near the lower outside edge of her eye and moved her fingers back past her ear. Jimmy's heart sped up, for reasons he couldn't explain he knew the answer to his next question was very important. He recognized that sign.

"Sparrow, are you Kiowa?"

She leaned forward slightly, the air seemed to crackle between them.

'Yes. Kiowa. You know Kiowa?'

Jimmy blinked, then let out a little chuckle.

"Yes, I do know _a_ Kiowa... and I get a feeling you do too. Sparrow do you know Running Buck?" Jimmy asked as he made the sign familiar to him.

Sparrow's mouth dropped open in surprise.

'I know Running Buck. How do you know Running Buck?'

"He's my friend. He's been like my brother... Did you grow up together?" Jimmy started to wrack his brain, Buck only mentioned a brother, he never said anything about a sister, but now that he looked at her with fresh eyes, there was a slight resemblance.

'Yes. Running Buck is the son of my mother's sister.'

Jimmy let out a laugh at that.

"In all the hundreds of miles of wide open prairie, I happen upon Buck's cousin? Well I better take extra good care of you, wouldn't want to give Buck a reason to use that knife of his."

She gave him an impatient and confused look and arched her eyebrow at him.

"Oh I know I didn't sign that good. I'm saying Running Buck would want me to help you."

'I remember he was kind. His path was not with the Kiowa. He left when I was young.'

"How old are you now, Sparrow?" Jimmy had been wondering for a while, she looked to be about his age, but it was hard to believe that since she had already been married, had two children and been widowed besides.

'Running Buck and I are same age. I am twenty summers.'

"You're so young to have lived so much life and lost so much" Jimmy muttered more to himself than to her.

"So your chief is Red Bear, Buck's brother?"

'Yes, Red Bear is a good chief.'

"Well, I thought so, but I'm kind of wondering now, since he let you wander out there alone, getting yourself all banged up."

Sparrow didn't understand his words as much as his tone.

'Red Bear would not say no to Great Spirit. That white man was a coward. He...grabbed me when I stopped to drink and water my horse by willow tree.'

Sparrow frowned and then started to yawn before stopping herself. She winced at the pain of the motion. Jimmy got to his feet.

"I need to stop talking so you can get some rest. I don't know Red Bear, but I imagine you'd be a hard one to win an argument against anyways. Wish we was still close to that willow tree, I could make a tea like Buck showed us from its bark, it'd help with the pain. Maybe there's one close by I can use."

Sparrow nodded, her eyelids grew heavy as she gave Jimmy the smallest of smiles. Jimmy sat down carefully next to her.

"Sparrow, I gotta ask, there's a few things I need to do, so I need to get a plan. I'm going to stay by your side to help you heal, but I will need to go to the nearest town here eventually. Get supplies and mail a letter at the very least. Where do you want to go when you're feeling better?"

Jimmy was pretty sure she only caught the last question. She pulled a blanket over her body with one hand and snuggled into it, with the other she reached out for Jimmy's hand and held it. She then let his hand dropped and signed.

'With you.'

"With me?" Jimmy asked, completely surprised. Sparrow's face softened as she nodded.

'Yes, with you.' She signed simply.

Then her eyes closed and she let out a deep breath. Seconds later she was asleep. Jimmy leaned back, feeling a little thunderstruck as he watched her breathing become steady and even. With him. The thought rolled around in his head, he waited for it to feel like a bad idea, but the feeling never came.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: There's more to Jimmy and Sparrow. The chapter got so long I had to split it in two. There was a lot of ground to cover in this first conversation! I'll be posting the second part in the next day or so. ****Thanks for being so patient. Let me know what you think!**


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 26

"Hay, you having trouble with your ears?"

Jimmy blinked and turned his head to the barkeep on the other side of the bar, now looking at him with exasperation.

"Hmm?" Jimmy asked.

The barkeep rolled his eyes.

"I asked you... what'll you be havin? I'm assuming you want something as you sat down on this here stool."

Jimmy raised an eyebrow, he'd like to tell the short and beady eyed man opposite him just where he could put his stool, but instead answered the question.

"I'll have a sarsaparilla, and a sandwich."

"Huh. Would've figured you for a whiskey man, but suit yourself." The man muttered as he walked away.

Jimmy bit back another retort less kind than the last one, mostly about the man's mother, but decided to keep his grumpy thoughts to himself. He had been in the bar in Deer Creek many times, as Deer Creek was a stop further east of Sweetwater on the Pony Express route. This time though, he had nothing but bad feelings about being there.

It had been five days since Sparrow woke up, seven since he had left Sweetwater. Emma's letter to Lou had been burning a hole in his coat pocket ever since he left Emma in her yard. Emma had looked every inch the stricken mother desperate to help her child that she was and Jimmy felt all kinds of guilty that it had taken him so long to get it in the mail. Guiltier still that he wasn't delivering it in person. He would be in Rock Creek by now if he had ridden hard. Instead he mailed the letter as soon as he got to town, scrawling on the back of the envelope,

"_Something has come up. I'm sorry Lou, and sorry I couldn't give this to you in person. I'm fine, I'll be there as soon as I can. Jimmy"_

He winced just thinking about Lou reading his words, but there was no other choice. He had heard Sparrow's cries for help and answered them. He couldn't abandon her now, even if he wanted to. Jimmy looked toward the kitchen doors, impatiently waiting for his food. Abandoning her would be impossible, he could barely make himself leave her for the afternoon. As he watched her that very morning at breakfast he knew he couldn't put it off any longer. She could stand steady now, and walk short distances. She didn't need his help anymore taking care of her personal business and most importantly, in Jimmy's eyes, she'd be able to hold and fire a gun if she had to.

"Sparrow, I need to go to the white man's village today." Jimmy had signed to her once he knew he had her attention. She put down her food and let her hands rest in her lap. A few emotions passed over her face before regaining her calm composure, but Jimmy caught them. She was curious, she was also afraid.

'Why do you need to go? How long?'

"I need to mail this important letter." Jimmy paused, trying to find words, "it has important words from a woman like a mother to me, to her daughter, I need to make sure she gets them." Jimmy gave her a half smile, her expression was guarded. He shrugged his shoulders.

"Family." He signed simply. She nodded her head and made motion for him to continue.

"I won't be gone long. Just the afternoon, maybe a few hours. I'm going to pick up some food too and I'd like to get you some clothes, bet you're tired of my long johns. I don't know what kind you'd like. Can't see you wearing a white woman dress. Just don't seem to suit. Maybe I should hunt a deer, so you can make yourself another dress." Jimmy offered.

'You ask what I wear? I am going to the white world. I will need white clothes. We can hunt deer so I have dress of my people too.'

"Well, what should I buy?"

Sparrow tilted her head as if amused with his concern over her clothes.

'I do not know what white woman wear. You choose. I will like.'

Jimmy motioned for her to stand up. After looking at him curiously, she complied. Jimmy felt himself blush as he looked her over from head to toe, then he slowly placed his hands on her hips, memorizing the space between his hands and how the top of her head edged the bottom of his chin.

"I want to get you clothes that fit, Sparrow. Don't want to get them too big or too short for you." He signed but he could hardly look her in the eye as he stepped away.

She arched an eyebrow at him and let her hand rest on his arm for a second before she returned to her seat. Jimmy cleared his throat.

"Alright, there's one more thing I gotta do before I leave. I gotta give you one of my guns."

Sparrow eyes widened as she followed his hands and watched him take his colts out of his saddle bags.

'Yes. Gun.' Her expression darkened and her eyes narrowed as she watched him pull out the Colts and his holsters. Jimmy noticed her anger and frowned.

"I bet you're wishing you had one when that bastard got the drop on you by the brook." He muttered as walked towards her.

He didn't bother signing to ask, from the look in her eyes, he knew the answer would be yes. He shrugged off his anger at the memory and handed her one of his guns.

"Well, I know you have a bow and arrows, but I don't think you're healed enough to use 'em, but you are strong enough to fire my gun and I'm going to be damn sure I leave you with a way to protect yourself while I'm gone."

'I do not know how to use.' Her signs became broader and the tone in her voice was sharp.

"Well, I'll tell you right now."

He spent the next several minutes showing her how the Colt worked and how to aim and fire.

"Sparrow, if anyone comes through that door and it ain't me... shoot first and ask questions later."

'I don't understand about questions.' She signed, frowning.

"Don't worry about questions. Shoot any bad men that might come, just don't shoot me."

She paused as she thought about that, then looked up at him and smiled.

'I will try not to shoot you.'

Jimmy looked to her hands first then to her eyes in disbelief.

"Well you better not shoot me... oh you think this is funny?" Jimmy stopped as he listened to Sparrow let out a small giggle.

It was the first time he had heard her laugh, he liked it. It was as good a sound as any he had ever heard. He wanted to hear her laugh again and tried to think of something funny to say... but after a few moments of looking at her gentle eyes dancing with mirth, he was at a loss. Finally he just sighed and pointed to the bed.

"Why don't you get some sleep. Just keep the gun right by your side. I'll be back before you know it."

She had listened to him and settled down to rest, gun by her side. She grabbed his hand as he was saying his goodbyes and signed 'fast'. So that is what he was trying to be. He had mailed the letter, bought some supplies, including some candy he purchased on a whim, as he wondered if Sparrow would like the sweet taste. Then he stopped at the dress shop on his way to the saloon. Buying Sparrow's clothes was one of the most awkward experiences of his life. The prim and proper woman arched her eyebrow and her lip curled into a sneer as Jimmy explained that he needed to buy his "wife" new clothes. After giving her an approximation of Sparrow's size, he left with undergarments, two shirts and two riding skirts. A regular dress would be useless on their trip back to Rock Creek on horseback.

Jimmy's sandwich and drink arrived. He was nearly finished with them, lost in thoughts about how to shave time off his ride back to the cabin, when he felt a tap on the arm.

"You Wild Bill, ain't ya?"

Jimmy sighed and set down his sandwich and turned to look up at who was asking. A man not much older than him with a smirk on his face looked down on him. His hands were twitching over his pistols.

"Nope. Got the wrong guy." Jimmy responded as he turned away.

"Like hell I do, I've seen your picture. Don't know why you're not wearing both guns but I sure recognize the one. You're Wild Bill."

"Look fella, I'm just trying to eat a sandwich, can't you just go on your way and let me go on mine?"

"Don't think so."

Jimmy heard the man whip his gun from his holster and cock it all in one motion. Chairs screeched across the floor as people made themselves scarce.

"Listen. I ain't got time for this. I have places to be and nothing against you. Why don't you just walk out of here and we'll pretend this never happened."

Jimmy gave the man his most bored expression as he returned to his food. Internally though, his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. He could not do this. Not with Sparrow waiting for him.

"Never figured the great Wild Bill for a yellow bellied coward." The man jeered as he gripped his gun and held it closer to Jimmy's face.

"You take this out to the street and at least you have a fighting chance. I could just drop you right here. Still be able to say I was the one who brought down Wild Bill."

The man laughed then. His eyes were cold, his face hard. There was no walking away from this. Jimmy threw down his sandwich in disgust and tossed a few coins on the bar. He didn't much care if they covered his tab or not.

"You want to do this? Fine. Your blood is on your own hands."

The man laughed and gave him a little shove as Jimmy made his way out of the saloon. By the time the two men were in the middle of the street, there was not another soul to be seen. It was almost as if the town sensed the danger, saw the certainty of death as a visible thing and ran from it.

Jimmy stood in the afternoon sun and squinted at the other man. His mouth felt dry, his hands sweaty as he flexed his fingers towards his Colt. He felt off balance with only one. He closed his eyes for a half second, imagining Sparrow as he had left her, her wide and gentle eyes full of expectation. She was willing him to come back to her. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as all his senses came alive. He saw the man flinch and make his move to draw. In a heartbeat Jimmy's gun became an extension of himself, his hand a blur. He squeezed the trigger and fired. The sound of gunfire echoed off the buildings as a body fell onto the dusty street.

* * *

><p>Sparrow's eyes blinked open and took in her surroundings. The small window of the cabin showed darkening skies. She moved to sit up quickly but thought better of it as her ribs protested. Her hand moved across the furs and reached for the gun, she gripped it now and let it rest in her lap. Almost against her own will her eyes remained trained on the door. Jimmy said he would be fast. For all his white ways that she did not totally understand, she knew to her bones he was truthful. He said he would be back before dark and now he wasn't, something must have happened. She uttered a prayer out loud to the Great Spirit for his safe return and in the same breath wondered at her reaction. She was worried. This was not like her. She had stood with the women of her people and watched her husband and the other warriors leave into battle many times. They had prayed to the Great Spirit that their men would be victorious and gone about their daily work. Fast Thunder had never disappointed her. He always returned to her, sometimes with scars from the battle, but never defeated. It wasn't until the White Man's sickness came that she realized there was one enemy Fast Thunder would not be able to defeat. Maybe she worried now because she knew the strongest warriors were as mortal as she was. Maybe it was simply because she was vulnerable and injured and she needed this white man to care for her. Before that thought was even fully realized she knew it to be untrue. If any other white man had rescued her, she would have left at her first opportunity. As soon as she had known she could stand straight and steady she would have taken all her supplies and her horse and left silently in the night... but she had not done this.<p>

From the moment she had the vision and saw the stag she knew it was Running Buck, her cousin who had chosen a path away from the Kiowa. Red Bear had known this as well. It was only because they both knew Running Buck to be a true hearted Kiowa that she had been allowed to leave and find him. When Jimmy fought and killed the white man who had attacked her, she knew he was the wolf and her fate was now linked to him. She could accept this. It was the way of her people to seek their path through visions, what surprised her was her reaction when Jimmy was close to her. When he touched her or smiled, when he frowned because he saw that she was in pain, she wanted to touch him back, return his smile, reassure him that she would recover. This was a part of her she thought had died with her husband and children. She didn't understand all he tried to sign her but his actions told her more than he could ever sign. He was an odd white man. She knew he was a warrior, but he also wanted to cook for her, make her healing teas. He had not made a move to take advantage of her in any way. She knew Fast Thunder had cared for her deeply as she had for him, but he had never cooked for her or gave her medicines when she was sick. This was the work of the women in the tribe, not the work of a warrior. She wondered if all white men were like Jimmy or if he was simply different. He must be different, she reasoned, if he called Running Buck 'brother'. She did not think most white men would do this, maybe he had a bit of Kiowa spirit in him somehow.

She heard a horse approaching and now held the gun with both hands. It was Jimmy, it had to be. She struggled to stand and stood in the middle of the room, waiting. Jimmy swung the door open.

"Jimmy" She said his name aloud in English.

He stopped in his tracks and dropped his saddlebags by the door. She had been worried, he could see it all over her face even as she tried to look calm. She said his name in his tongue, every time she did this, he reacted to it. He was so relieved to see her he closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, to stop himself from grabbing her into a bear hug that would surely hurt her. She took a few steps to him. He looked upset and she glanced over his body to see if there was any sign of injury, but he looked fine. She held out her hand, her eyes a question. Jimmy found his feet and closed the remaining steps to her.

"Sparrow, I was worried about you." He signed, then he reached out a hand to her shoulder.

'I worry too' She signed as she leaned forward and replaced his gun in his holster. His free hand found hers and held it, her fingers laced through his. She looked into his eyes and saw how much he cared. She smiled, suddenly feeling shy.

"Damn it, I thought I'd never see you again." Jimmy signed the words carefully. She felt confused as she watched his hands and then looked back to his eyes.

'I not leave you.' She signed. Her eyes reflected the truth. Jimmy stared at her for a long moment.

"Hell... I know I shouldn't", He muttered, not bothering to sign as he put both of his arms around Sparrow and gently brought her close to him.

He felt her arms return the embrace. She nestled her head into his neck and let out a little sigh. Sparrow waited for Jimmy's embrace to feel wrong, like a betrayal, or even frighten her but it didn't. His touch was gentle and feather light. She could hear his quickened heart beat, feel the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. She smelled his scent, like outdoors and leather. It pleased her.

Jimmy felt the weight of the day and incident in town melt off him as his body absorbed her warmth, her peace. He hadn't realized just how important she had become to him. He pulled back slightly and with his thumb tipped up her face to him and studied her in the low light of the fire. She looked beautiful. Her bruises were nearly gone, there were only faded marks on her cheek now. Her eye and jaw barely showed the evidence of how he first found her. He traced his finger lightly from the side of her face to her jaw.

"Does this hurt anymore?"

'No.'

"Good."

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against her check, then moved back slightly, to gauge her reaction. He wasn't sure what had come over him. She gave him a reassuring smile. Then she tipped his hat off and motioned for him to take off his jacket as she sat back down on the bed.

"Something happened in the the white man's village... what?"

Jimmy smiled and shook his head. She may not speak his language, but she read him like a book.

"Well let me show you what I got you and get to cooking this rabbit I shot on the way home, then I'll tell you, alright?"

Sparrow gave him a slight nod. She knew something had scared him, but she realized he would tell her when he was ready. Jimmy gave her the white woman clothes. The fabric was soft and lightweight. She wondered how long they would last if she worked in them but she thanked him anyways. Jimmy's eyes danced as she tasted the candy. She scrunched up her face, tilted her head to the side and finally made a murmuring sound of approval. Once they had finished eating Sparrow laid back down on her bed to rest her injured side.

'Now, tell me.'

Jimmy sat on the bed next to her, hands in front of him. He wasn't sure where to begin. He supposed he'd just have to settle with the truth.

"I had to kill a man today. He challenged me. I told him no, but he wouldn't take no. Either he was going to kill me or I had to kill him. So... I shot him. He never even got a shot off." Jimmy was relieved to see Sparrow looked confused only, not afraid.

'Why did he want to kill you? Did he have a reason?'

"No, I've never met this man in my life. Didn't even catch the man's name. Seems if you take a man's life, you should at least know his name."

'So this man, he was without honor? He was a coward?' She signed, still not understanding.

"Not so much that. He was a fool." Jimmy signed, slumping his shoulders

.  
>'Why a fool?'<p>

"Because... because I'm faster. Faster than most anybody... with a gun I mean. I shoot fast and he wanted to be able to say he was better than me."

Sparrow let out a little snort.

'He is a fool. You are a warrior. My wolf. You should have taken his scalp.'

Jimmy watched her hand move towards her hairline and mimic the violent motion. He couldn't help but let out a little chuckle.

"Why would I want to scalp him? I didn't even want to kill him." He said with a half smile.

'Why? Because he had no honor. You are a warrior of honor. In my people the warriors come home to village after battle, we celebrate the victory. We dance the scalp dance. If I had deer skin, I would make you warrior's shirt. I would sew this fool's scalp to your shirt. Did he have long hair?' Sparrow's signs became more broad as she spoke, her Kiowa words became sharper. Jimmy's smile grew.

"Not that I recollect... no, this man did not have long hair."

'It is more honor if he had long hair.' She signed, looking disappointed.

"You're angry for me." Jimmy said with a shake of his head.

'Yes. Angry. He made you afraid.' She frowned as she looked to him, trying to make him understand how upset she was, even though she herself didn't fully understand why.

"Sparrow, I was only afraid because I knew I had you waiting for me." He signed the words and spoke them softly. She made a small sound that she had heard him.

"I am honored you would want to make me the clothes of a Kiowa warrior though."

'If you had this shirt, the other men, they would see what a brave warrior you are and not challenge you.' She signed, her voice pleaded.

"I don't need a shirt for that. In my world, a man wrote words about me, about how fast and skilled I was with a gun, how many men I killed. The words were not true, but people read them and believed them... those words were like a shirt with a hundred scalps. So now I carry two guns and I have to always look out, because men want to challenge me. So those words written become more true each time I have to kill men who want to say they killed the man with a hundred scalps." He signed the words slowly and carefully, at last satisfied with his explanation.

'They are fools... I'm sorry.' She finally signed again.

Then she reached over and let her hand rest on his knee. She didn't know what to make of Jimmy at that moment. She had grown up surrounded by warriors, rarely had she heard any of them speak the way he was speaking to her.

"Thank you" Jimmy finally signed.

He looked at her awkwardly then at his bedroll lying on the floor.

"Well, I'm going to sleep now. Let you do the same." Jimmy made motion to get up. Her hand grabbed his and stopped him.

'Sleep by me. There is room.' She signed quickly, blushing.

Jimmy's eyes flew to hers once he realized what she was saying. His heart raced a little and part of him wanted to leave the room just so he wouldn't say something stupid. He couldn't assume... she wasn't healed enough for what he was thinking, hoping even, she could be meaning. Sparrow's blush increased.

'I am only healed for you to sleep by me. You want?'

"Yes, I want" Jimmy said earnestly.

He eased out of his outer shirt and kicked off his boots. He tended to the fireplace and came back to her side. She lifted up the blanket she had draped over herself and waited for him. Jimmy took a deep breath and smiled as he slipped in next to her. She turned slightly to face him, and brought her hand to his cheek, his jaw. She let the long strands of his hair run through her fingers. Then she let out a little yawn.

'My wolf'. She signed, her eyelids heavy.

Jimmy gave her a small smile as he placed a gentle hand on her head, then her back. He continued watching her in the dying light as she fell asleep. Once he knew she was sleeping soundly, he scooted closer to her, one hand holding hers, another resting on her hip. His last thought before he fell asleep himself was that while she may think he was her wolf, there was no doubt in his mind that she was his Sparrow.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I really love these two. You'll be seeing more of them, for sure. Next stop though will be Rock Creek and how things are going with Buck and Lou! You'll have to be a little patient though as I'm working on this other ridiculous project. You'll see it soon :) Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!**


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 27- April 1862

"Theresa, can you get a move on, please? I've got the buck board all ready to go." Jeremiah called out from beside the horses. It was a half hour after school already and there would be chores to do when they got home. He tapped his foot as Theresa ran up to his side.

"Teaspoon saw me as he was going to get Rachel. A letter came for Louise today, from that woman Emma we've heard so much about. He gave it to me to give to her." She said a little out of breath as she took her brother's hand and climbed up onto her side of the buck board.

"Emma, huh? Well, Lou will probably like that." Jeremiah shrugged as he urged the horses forward.

"Oh gosh, I hope so. Louise really needs something to make her laugh again. You remember the last time you heard her laugh?" Theresa asked as she fingered the letter in her hands.

"It's been a while," Jeremiah frowned.

Talking about Lou and her grief made Jeremiah uncomfortable. He was hoping Theresa would stop talking about it. Things were just starting to return to normal at home and he was relieved. What his sister was going through was something way beyond what he had words for. He had said his I'm sorrys and given her a few hugs and listened even on occasion to her talk about her baby, but he squirmed in his seat when she did. He remembered as a boy, the pain of losing their mother and watching Lou lose her baby was closer to that grief than he'd like to be.

"Before Angel died everyone was more happy, and Louise and Buck , they were like Romeo and Juliet, I could just tell." Theresa said with feeling.

"Theresa, you know what happened to Romeo and Juliet, right?" Jeremiah chuckled as he looked at his dreamy eyed sister, "you're too young for all that romantic stuff."

"I'm not either, I'm going to be eleven tomorrow, and don't you fun me about romance when you're making cow eyes at Allison Fields, Jeremiah McCloud!"

Jeremiah blushed in spite of himself and glared at his sister, who was now crossing her arms in a huff and frowning. He let out a sigh.

"You're right, you're not a little girl so much anymore. You just need to grow a few inches so I remember that better." She still looked upset so he tried to further make amends.

"And bout Buck and Lou, well…. I'm just glad they're chums again and working together."

"Chums? They're more than just chums, they're each other's destiny!" Theresa said dramatically.

"Destiny? I think Teaspoon and all his fanciful talk is rubbing off on you." Jeremiah laughed again, but put an arm around his sister's shoulders to soothe her tender feelings. He didn't actually disagree with her all that much about his older sister and the man he now viewed like the older brother he never had, but he wasn't going to spend a lot of time thinking about it. He was just glad Buck had stayed through all the troubles and seemed to be set on staying.

Theresa let out a little "hmmph" and watched the pretty springtime scenery pass. Let Jeremiah make fun of her all he wanted, she could see things for what they were, even if no one else did.

"You think everyone will be able to make it tomorrow for my birthday party? Rachel told me she'll be making the cake." Theresa asked after they had been riding in silence for a while.

"Well, it'll be Saturday and if Rachel's making the cake? I think everyone will show." Jeremiah said confidently, then he glanced at his sister's mouth forming a pout, "and everyone will want to be there cause of you, you know that right?"

"I hope so… Cody won't be there though. Teaspoon said he's off delivering some papers to Ft. Kearney." Theresa said, her disappointment evident.

"That will just mean more cake for you?" Jeremiah tried as a joke, but saw she wasn't biting. He shook his head, he was just going to have to tell her, "I wasn't sposed to say anything, but fore Cody rode on out of here, he left a package for you. He didn't forget your birthday."

"Oh goody! Did you see what it was?" Theresa asked, suddenly cheerful.

"Nope. It will just have to be a surprise, now we're almost home, you going to help me with the chores?" Jeremiah asked as the homestead came into view.

"I will if there's any left to do. Louise has been doing hers, yours and sometimes mine, wish she wasn't working so hard." Theresa said, looking down at the letter in her hands, hoping yet again that whatever it contained would help her sister.

"I keep telling her to ease up, but she won't listen, it's like she's scared not to work real hard." Jeremiah grumbled as he pulled up to the barn, "I'll stable the horses, why don't you go find her and give her the letter, alright?" He said as he helped Theresa down and waved her off. Theresa just nodded and ran towards the house.

* * *

><p>Lou heard the wagon pull up, and peered out the kitchen window as she continued to peel potatoes. She allowed herself a little smile, Theresa would be bursting through the door any minute now, ready to tell her all about her day. Lou felt a bit of relief, she could allow herself the little break to spend time with her sister. She had been working steadily for hours alone and had only seen Buck at breakfast and then briefly at lunch. The rest of his day had been spent out in the fields putting up fence and tending to the cattle. Lunch had been a pleasant, if quiet affair. They talked about the weather and calving and the bits of news Buck had learned about the war in town the day before. They could talk about most things now, but occasionally she would see the unspoken feelings in his eyes before he would drop gaze to his plate or look elsewhere. She wanted to fix things, but wasn't quite sure how. Most days it was all she could do to just get out of bed and decide to live and work. Anything beyond that felt like too much most of the time.<p>

"Louise!" Theresa called as she opened the door and ran to her sister's side. Lou wiped her hands on her apron.

"Sugarbear!" Lou said with a smile as she embraced her sister, "how was school?"

"Good. Timmy Stephens put a cricket in my desk during lunch. Rachel made him sit in the corner… Guess what I've got for you?" Theresa asked, beaming from ear to ear as she held something behind her back.

"A frog? No, maybe a snake or a baby bird?" Lou asked as she tried to peek behind her sister's back.

"Silly, I told you I wouldn't try to bring home any more pets.. . It's a letter for you! Here!" Theresa giggled as she handed Lou the letter.

"Emma… Oh I've missed her something fierce." Lou said as she ran her hand over the familiar writing, "I'll save it for after dinner and maybe I can read it for you all too." Lou folded the letter and put it in her pocket.

"Want to help me finish peeling these potatoes? Then we can get this stew going for dinner, tell me more about this rotten boy as we cook." Lou said as got back to work. That was all the invitation Theresa needed to launch into the tale. Lou half listened and murmured in response as she needed to, but her mind floated to Emma and her letter.

* * *

><p>"Buck? Lou says dinner's ready," Jeremiah said as he rode up to Buck in the pasture. Buck looked up at Jeremiah and then to the position of the sun. It was about that time. He appraised the new section of fence he had put up that day and was surprised how much he had accomplished.<p>

"Thanks, I'll be right in." Buck said as he wiped the sweat from his brow and picked up his tools. Soon he caught up to Jeremiah and they rode into the barn together. It seemed to him now that all he and Lou ever did was work, like it was the only thing either of them knew how to do to deal with their pain. He knew he could handle the punishing work, but he worried about Lou. She seemed tired and gaunt to him, but every suggestion from him to take it easy was rebuffed. It was frustrating, everything about their situation was frustrating. But he had seen little glimmers of the old Lou coming back to him day by day and he had little choice but to hope for more. Some days he felt like the most foolish of men, pining for the woman right in front of him but feeling like he could do nothing but wait. What he was waiting for exactly, he didn't know. Angel's death had cut deep into his own soul, he couldn't imagine how it was for Lou. Her healing would take time. She had chosen to live, and though he thought she was working too hard, he was proud of her.

Dinner was quiet that night, they ate with the occasional small talk and Buck could tell Lou was rushing to clean her plate. Lou saw Buck's questioning face as she finished her last bite.

"I got a letter from Emma, I'm going to read it first and then I'll read it to the rest of you." Lou explained as she jumped up from the table and set her plate in the wash basin, "I'm going to go read it in my room, I'll be right back." She gave her family an almost shy look as she hurried to her bedroom. Buck said nothing as he watched her leave, he had a bad feeling which didn't made sense. Emma had been a mother to them all. There had never been anything besides care and concern from her.

Lou closed the door and lit the lamp by the side of the bed. She sat down and clutched the letter to her chest for a moment before opening it. She wished for probably the hundredth time she had Emma with her instead and started to read.

_My Dear Lulubelle,_

_If my math serves, you already have your darling child in your arms or very nearly so. I know how uncomfortable those last few weeks can be, but oh to hold that sweet, chubby babe in your arms. It makes all the pain worth it. If I can say nothing else to you, I want you to know the fear and pain of bringing your child into this world is all worth it as you watch them grow and change. Samuel smiles first thing every morning and holds his little arms up to me, he says "mama" now with his eyes as big as saucers, and when I pick him up, he cuddles into me. I smell the freshness of life on him as I put my nose against his cheek and I feel like my heart could just melt. My heart has never felt fuller. My only sadness now is that I'm not able to be with you in person to help you bring your precious little one into the world. The next best thing perhaps is to give you a list of all the practical things I've learned that have helped me…._

The letter continued but Lou let the paper fall from her hands to rest next to her. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Tears welled up in her eyes and ran down her cheeks, Lou gasped and choked until finally her sobs bubbled up from deep inside of her and poured out in guttural wail. She shoved her hands over her mouth and then reached for her pillow and cried into it. Angel. Her precious daughter who would never reach out her arms and say momma to her, or want to be held close. She would never hear her laugh or cry or take her first steps. Lou cried harder as the grief washed over her anew. Soon there were no coherent thoughts, only pain. Finally Lou sat up and wiped her tears. Anger flared up within her, white hot. She needed to leave and leave now. She crumpled up the letter and threw it into the corner. Then she changed from the skirt she was wearing into her pants and riding shirt. She shoved her boots onto her feet and flung the door open.

"Lou?" Buck turned quickly to the sound. He saw Lou's tear stained and furious face and felt his stomach turn.

"I'm going out. Need to ride, need to get out of here."

"You want some company?" Jeremiah asked, not sure what had come over his sister.

"No. Don't need no one right now," she looked around at the three concerned faces and her frown deepened. "I'll be fine. I'm a grown woman. Don't need to look at me like I'm going to break all the time." The door slammed behind her.

"Think we should go after her?" Jeremiah asked as he glanced at door. Buck frowned then shook his head.

"No, the kind of mood she's in, it'd just make her more upset." Buck said firmly, knowing if she was gone long it would be very hard for him to stay home.

* * *

><p>"Ed, just leave the bottle." Lou ordered as the barkeep made move to take the whiskey away from her.<p>

"Lou, don't think Amanda'd like to see you drinking like this." Ed said gently, hand still on the bottle. Lou grabbed it from his hand and poured herself another shot.

"Well she ain't down here right now, is she? She's upstairs with Janusz, doing what lovebirds do… now, I've got the coin, Ed, and you have other customers" Lou tipped her chin up a fraction of an inch and glared. Ed finally broke eye contact, shook his head and walked away.

Lou had left the house not knowing where she was going, but after riding to her favorite haunts and finding them empty of any comfort she found herself in town and at the saloon. It was late, the place was packed and she figured Amanda had already gone to bed. There would be no comfort from her friend either. Perhaps what she sought could be found at the bottom of her shot glass. She poured herself another, and then another. The room seemed to grow louder and her vision started to swim but she didn't feel like weeping anymore or killing anyone and that was progress, in her mind.

"Louise, is that you?"

Louise slowly turned her head to see who was speaking to her and then groaned out loud.

"Hello, Millie."

Millie seemed to not understand that her presence was not wanted and giggled as she leaned over and asked with honeyed words the man sitting next to Lou if he would mind very much if she sat his stool for a spell. He quickly vacated and Millie made herself comfortable, adjusting her skirts as she turned her lovely blue eyes to Lou.

"Haven't seen you in here for a while. Been wondering where you and Buck have been keeping yourselves." She said in an overly cheerful tone.

"Been working at the ranch. It's calving season." Lou slurred, wondering why she was even bothering to explain. Millie continued to smile.

"Oh, and that's all you've been doing is working? There is so much talk otherwise, none of it good but I'm not one to gossip, much less listen gossip, so I haven't believed a stitch I've heard." Millie said breezily.

Lou scrunched up her face.

"That don't make any sense… I'm sorry Millie, but my head ain't so clear right now, why don't just tell me what you want."

Millie's face lost all pretense of pleasantness.

"I want Buck, Louise… that's all… and I think he wants me too, maybe he just don't know it yet. I spect he's getting tired of what he has at home and just needs some encouragement… and if you ain't going to claim what's under your own roof, well, I will. I think he'd be better off anyways, wouldn't you agree?"

"Listen Millie, I don't know what makes you think you've got the right to imply the things I think you're implying. He's my friend and he run a ranch together and that's it." Lou didn't realize her voice was increasing in volume with each word she spoke but Millie's eyes were wide with alarm. Lou looked around and saw everyone was watching her. She hopped off her stool and wobbled a bit.

"Ya hear that Rock Creek? There ain't nothing improper or unchristian going on at our ranch. Buck ain't the reason Kid left and he ain't the father of my sweet Angel and if anyone tells you anything else, they're lying alright? Liars! Like this one!" She said to the whole saloon and ended her tirade by pointing her finger right in Millie's face. Just then Lou felt a tap on her shoulder .

"What now?" She yelled as she spun around. Then she grabbed her head and groaned, she had moved too quickly. She recognized the two soldiers that stood before her. They were part of Cody's unit.

"I know you two. Ain't you the jackasses that've hassled Buck?" She asked as she squinted at them.

The one known as Ford let out a growl as the other, Private Steele, laughed. There was no mirth behind the noise.

"Seems a little thing like you should know your place." Ford said as he not so gently shoved Lou back onto her stool. Steele looked past Lou as if she wasn't worth the notice. The big men both towered over her as they turned their attention to Millie.

"Millie this ain't the reason you ain't sweet on either of us, because of some breed, is it?" Ford shoved his way forward and grabbed Millie by the chin and made her look at him. She whimpered and looked away, refusing to answer.

"Answer him, damn it!" Ford shouted.

"Bastards, both of you! Git your hands off of her and git out. You ain't to talk to a woman like that, even one like Millie." Lou stood up again and shoved the one closest to her.

"Why you little…" Steel said as he let Millie go and raised his hand to strike. Lou instinctively curled up and waited for the blow.

"That is enough!" A voice boomed from the stairs, Lou opened her eyes and saw Janusz coming down the stairs holding a shotgun, now cocked. Amanda dressed in her robe followed behind. Lou heard another gun click to the ready behind her. Ed also had his gun now aimed at the two soldiers.

"You are to leave now." Janusz demanded as he strode over to both men. Ford and Steele looked as though they were going to argue but realized Janusz was even bigger than them and did not look to be bluffing in the slightest.

"Ed, I don't want either of these men to come into my saloon ever again, I'm tired of them and their bullshit." Amanda growled as she hurried over to Millie and Lou. All three women watched Janusz walk the grumbling soldiers out of the saloon.

"Millie, you alright?" Amanda asked as she looked into the face of one of her girls. Millie nodded her head and blinked back her tears, "why don't you take a break then, alright?"

Millie started to walk away but turned back to Lou.

"Louise, thank you, for sticking up for me, after what I said to you, not sure I'd have done the same."

Millie didn't wait for a response, she turned again and made her way to the back room.

"Lou, what the hell happened? Heard you shouting all the way upstairs… and are you, are you drunk?" Amanda asked as she put her hands on Lou's shoulders and tried to catch her eyes. Lou shrugged her off.

"Maybe, just a little. Nothing a little sleep won't cure. Look, Millie was being mean and those two were being jackasses. I've had a hard day and I miss my Angel. That's all there really is to say." Lou said defensively.

"Oh I'm sure there's much more to say, but maybe you can tell me tomorrow, alright? Why don't you go over to Teaspoon and Rachel's and sleep it off." Amanda said as she helped her friend off her stool. Then she gave Lou's shoulders a little squeeze.

"Sorry I caused trouble. I'll go over there now." Lou said quietly as she looked up at her friend.

"Trouble I can handle, just take care of yourself." Amanda said as she walked her friend to the doors. She made a motion to the piano player to start the music back up and met Janusz at the door.

"You want Janusz to walk you over to Teaspoon's?" Amanda asked and Janusz nodded that he was willing.

"Thanks, no, I'm fine." Lou said as she straightened up and walked through the doors, she gave them a smile as she passed them both. They watched Lou walk away and then went back inside.

"Is alright?" Janusz asked as he put his arm around his wife and lead her back towards the stairs.

"I don't know. I don't think Lou is in a good place right now, it isn't like her to try and drink her problems away."

"She has lost much and pain is still fresh. It will take time." Janusz said as he held the door open for his wife and then closed it, then took care in flipping the iron lock he had installed.

"I know it will, that's why I'm worried to tell her. I don't know if I can do it Janusz." Amanda said as she put a hand on her still flat stomach. Janusz cross the room and stood behind her. He wrapped his arms around her, one of his hands moving to cover hers.

"It is very early, you have only just learned of blessing. There is no rush." He said soothingly into her ear, "Come to bed, you must sleep."

Amanda smiled at her husband's concern and soon joined him under the covers, as she nestled into his arms she couldn't help but worry about her friend. She went to sleep assuring herself that things would sort themselves out, eventually. They just had to.

* * *

><p>Lou thought about following Amanda's advice and going over to Teaspoon and Rachels' to spend the night, but decided against it. She just wanted to go home and sleep in her own warm bed, besides Buck maybe be worried about her. Her mind cleared a little at the thought of him. Who did Millie Coe think she was, declaring her designs on Buck like that, like some kind of hussy. He deserved better than her, that was certain. By the time Lou got home and led Lightning into his stall, she was even more certain that she needed to tell him just that, tonight. She stumbled to the house and nearly tripped on the steps. She had her hand on the door knob when the door flew open, causing her to pitch forward.<p>

"Where the hell have you been, Lou? You had me worried sick!" Buck hissed as he caught her in his arms, "are you drunk?" He asked incredulously.

"Only a little bit." She said as she looked up at him.

"I finally went out looking for you, you weren't at any of your usual spots. I didn't think you'd go and drink half the contents of Amanda's bar." He said trying to keep his voice down as Theresa was already sleeping in the next room, it was difficult though, minutes ago he had been praying to the Great Spirit for Lou to return home unharmed. Now that she had, he was furious. Lou regained her feet but stayed in Buck's arms. She let her hands snake around his waist.

"Millie Coe ain't good enough for you, you know. She told me she wants you but I yelled at her. She's mean. You wouldn't be happy Buck, you see that right?" She moved closer to him and looked him in the eye earnestly. Her hand absently moved up and down his back. Buck was staring at her, frown fading to now show his confusion.

"What are you doing, Lou?" He asked in a voice that sounded hoarse to his own ears. She smiled and leaned into him, resting her head against his chest. Her hands continued to roam, his body felt warm under his clothes and very strong. She could feel him tense under her touch.

"I'm touching you, silly. It feels nice, do you like me touching you?" She asked as she moved her hands to his chest, then let one hand trail up his neck to his jaw. She could see the muscles working there, his eyes seemed to burn into her.

"What's gotten into you?" He asked, desperately trying to make sense of things.

"Emma's letter made me sad and angry and made me miss my baby… and I went to the saloon and Millie made me angrier still and those bad soldiers were there too and they scared me..."

Buck grabbed both her hands to stop their movement and stepped away.

"Ford and Steele? They were there? What did they say? Did they hurt you?" He asked as he looked her over quickly. Lou smiled at him and stepped back into his arms.

"No, they didn't hurt me and Janusz made them leave, but they said bad things, I hope they go far away, " she said as she resumed running her hands over him, "I'm glad you're here… I wanted to tell you something and it couldn't wait."

Buck's heart was about to beat out of his chest. He tipped her face up to his,

"What did you want to tell me?" He asked softly.

"I don't remember now… do you know you have very pretty eyes? I've always liked them. They're so warm and when you look at me, like you're looking at me now… I wonder why I try to stay so far away… you're handsome too, and kind… and that's what I wanted to tell you! Millie Coe wants you, I meant to tell her that she can't have you but I didn't. You won't go find her, will you?" Lou asked, her eyes big and luminous. Buck swallowed.

"Listen , Lou, I don't know why you have that girl stuck in your head, but I'm not interested in her."

Lou stilled her hands and stared at him.

"You're interested in me, aint you. I can see it in your eyes. The whole town already thinks all sorts of things… maybe you could have me instead." She pulled him to her and put her lips to his neck, she trailed light kisses up to his jawline and nibbled on his ear. Buck groaned. She was obviously too intoxicated for him to be letting her do this, but heaven help him, he was letting her and he was enjoying it. He thought about how close her bedroom was, how many steps it would take to sweep her up into his arms, take her into that bedroom and make her his. She purred against his ear, her breath sent shivers down his spine.

"Buck, it's been so long since I've _danced_."

The words were like a bucket of ice water poured over his head. He stepped back so quickly she faltered on her feet. He ran a hand through his hair and started to pace, his anger growing with each step.

"What is it? What did I say?" Lou asked try to move closer to him.

"Dance, Lou, you said dance. Isn't that what you and Kid used to call it?"

"I don't under…"

Buck stopped his pacing and moved to stand in front of her he reached out and held her by both shoulders.

"If you and me are ever together, you're going to be with _me_, damn it. I'm not going to be some substitute for him, just because you want to _dance_." He spit out the word as if it was distasteful to him, at that moment it was. Lou took in his angry expression and felt tears prick in her eyes. She shoved his hands off her shoulders.

"You think you got it all figured out, don't you?" She asked raising her voice.

"Keep it down, your sister is sleeping… she was worried sick about you, by the way."

Lou frowned and bit her lip as a pang of guilt gripped her. She closed her eyes but quickly opened them again as doing so made her feel dizzy. Buck noticed her sway and felt disgusted with himself all over again.

"I'm leaving, you've had far too much to drink for us to be talking like this anyway." He said as he went to grab his coat.

"Fine, leave… just go, I never really wanted you anyway." Lou said, voice shaking as she watched him start to walk out the door. He stopped as he took in what she said. He gripped the doorknob in his hand as he turned to look at her, hurt and anger clear in his eyes.

"You know what, Lou? You make a lousy drunk."

The door shut firmly behind him and he was gone. Lou stood there for a moment wondering what had just happened before stumbling into her bedroom and falling into bed. She was asleep minutes later, cheeks still wet with tears.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Big thank you to EJM for providing quiet contemplation, junk food and the general awesomeness of her company. ****I have quite a bit more story to write for this section of Rock Creek... it gets a little more crazy from here. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!**


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 28

"Lou, com'on Lou... wake up. You got a houseful of people coming over any minute now." Buck nudged the sleeping lump hidden under the blanket, set the mug in his hand down and sighed as he leaned against her nearby dresser. Last night there was nowhere he would have rather been than in this woman's bedroom. Now in the harsh light of day, it felt like the last. If it wasn't for Theresa bubbling over with excitement in the next room for her birthday and the party, he wouldn't be anywhere near Lou. She hadn't stirred.

"Lou!" He said a little louder as he gave her shoulder a firm push.

"Shhh... why... yelling?" was her muffled answer.

"I'm not. I'm talking to you like I always do, only you're hung over." He said sourly. He watched Lou's head pop out from under the blanket. She was still wearing her clothes from the day before, her hair was a disheveled mess, more hair was out of her braid than in. She squinted up at him and frowned.

"Oh, my head...need sleep. Going back to sleep." She said as she pulled the blanket back up over her head.

"You can't go back to sleep." Buck said impatiently as he strode over to the other side of the room and threw open her curtains, "it's almost ten o'clock. Jeremiah and me have done all your chores so far and set things up, but you need to put the finishing touches on this party. I don't know what all you had planned and neither does Jeremiah. Folk'll start showing up anytime now..."

Lou shot up in bed at that and then grabbed her head, grimacing in pain.

"The party! Oh my god, the party. I've got to git up." She said as she swung her legs around to the floor. A wave of nausea hit her and she stopped and gripped the side of the bed, "soon as I can get the room to stop spinning," she mumbled.

Buck shook his head as he went back to where he had set down the tea.

"Here. Willow bark tea. Works for a hang over about as good as it does for aches and pains." He said gruffly as he handed her the mug.

He moved back to leaning against her dresser, arms crossed. Lou sipped at the foul tasting tea and took a few deep breaths to try and keep it down. She felt terrible, her head was pounding and her memory was hazy but as she glanced up at Buck's scowling face, she had a sinking feeling she must have done something very stupid the night before.

"Did I do something to make you mad last night?" She asked meekly after a few more sips. Buck stared at her for a while, trying to decide what to say,

"What do you remember?" He asked finally.

"Well, I remember reading Emma's letter. It upset me so much I just had to clear my head and think. Then I guess at some point I decided I'd rather not think anymore and I went over to Amanda's to get drunk. I wanted to get drunk. I've tried lots of things to make my pain go away, but nothing really works. Figured I hadn't tried drinking the pain away yet..." Lou put the mug down and brought her knees up to her chest as she rested her head in her hands.

"I'm trying to remember, but I don't think that worked out so good, either. I remember wanting to sleep in my own bed, so I must've got home alright. Poor Lightning, I'll have to look after her this morning."

Buck felt himself softening and resented it, it was easier to stay angry at her. It made things simpler.

"Jeremiah gave her a good brush down already this morning. So you really don't remember tangling with those soldiers in Cody's unit, or Millie... or talking to me?" He asked carefully.

Lou scrunched her face up and frowned. Whiskey. Ford and Steele, Janusz kicking them out... Millie, then finally Buck... her arms wrapped around him, his warmth. Lou stilled and felt herself blush.

"It's coming back to me, a little bit. Buck did I say something? Maybe something I shouldn't have? I'm sorry, whatever it was... I get this bad sort of feeling, like I need to apologize." Buck dropped his gaze to the floor and shifted his weight.

"Just what was in that letter anyways, to set you off like that. I've never seen you... well, you were really upset... Emma loves you like her own. She'd never try and hurt you." He said instead of answering her question. Lou sighed,

"See for yourself, it's crumpled up over there."She said as she worked on finishing the tea. Already she could feel her mind clearing and emotions that drove her to drink in the first place started to creep back into thoughts.

Buck picked up the paper and smoothed it in his hands. He held it up to the light coming from window and began to read. "..._ but oh to hold that sweet, chubby child in your arms. It makes all the pain worth it..." _Buck scanned a few more lines, but could read no farther. He crumpled the letter back up and set it on the dresser as he walked back over to Lou.

"Lou..." He said, but stopped, unsure of what to say. She looked at him, blinking back tears.

"It's not_ fair_, Buck. None of it. I want to hate Emma for having what I don't... but I can't. I want to be angry at her, yell at her for all the hurtful things she wrote, but I just can't muster it today. The only thing that's left is sad." Lou's voice quivered as she dropped her gaze to her lap.

Buck let out a slow breath. Without knowing it Lou had just described how he was feeling about her. He wasn't sure what he was going to do about his feelings for this petite woman now so vulnerable before him, but he did know he wouldn't be able to hold his anger against her for long. Finally he crouched down in front of her and waited until she looked him in the eyes.

"Last night was a bad night, so we'll just forget it, alright? and as for Emma... she couldn't have known. She wrote every word in that letter with all the love she has in her heart for you. It'd tear her up inside if she knew how it hurt you."

Lou peered into his kind eyes. She had another flash of the night before, of those eyes looking into hers with an intensity she never remembered seeing in them before. She blinked and looked away, unsure of what that piece of memory meant and too mortified by what she may have done or said to ask.

"I know. She means so much to me, maybe that's why it hurt so bad." Lou said softly as she dared to peek at Buck again. His expression was unreadable. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it again. Then turned his head to the door and listened.

"I hear horses. Com'on. Get yourself ready. I'll stall them."

* * *

><p>Rachel stepped out of the ranch house into the crisp evening air and let her eyes adjust to the darkened skies before turning to find what she was looking for. It didn't take her long. Lou was sitting on a hay bale next to the corral, staring out at the horizon, she had slipped out of the house a while ago, saying that she needed fresh air. Rachel wrapped her shawl around her shoulders tightly and hardened her resolve as she walked towards Lou.<p>

"Is this seat taken, sweetie?" Rachel asked as she stopped a few feet away and waited. Lou glanced up at Rachel and shrugged.

"You can set down, if you want." Lou said as her eyes returned to the distant hills.

"That party went off without a hitch, didn't it. All Theresa's friends from school seemed to have a good time and she loved Cody's present. She is one loved young lady." Rachel said as she made herself comfortable next to Lou.

"I need to give Cody more credit. He noticed how she's been scribbling on those drawing papers she got at Christmas and how her face lights up whenever she talks about art. Getting her an honest to goodness easel and some paints? That was real thoughtful of him." Lou said, smiling at the memory of Theresa's face when she saw her gift.

"It will be well used, that's certain. I'm glad he was able to pick it up last time he was in Omaha." Rachel was nearing the end of her small talk and felt a lump in her throat. She had pieced together enough of what had happened the night before from talking to Amanda and observing Buck's behavior to be more than a little concerned. This road Lou was on was one she knew. She had talked to Lou about her own loss in the past few months, but never in much detail. It was almost too difficult. But watching Lou at the party, her pain obvious even as she tried to smile and make sure Theresa enjoyed her special day, hurt Rachel's heart. She could close her eyes and feel herself going back to the same pit of the same pain. It scared her, but she had found a way out, and Lou needed a way out.

"Louise, it took me months of looking for answers at the bottom of a whiskey bottle for me to realize they weren't there... after I lost my husband... and my child." Rachel hesitated and saw Lou frown and stare at the ground, she didn't look happy to be listening, but she was listening. Rachel cleared her throat and continued.

"It took me a long time before it felt alright to want to live again, and even longer before I realized I could be happy... but I am Louise, happy I mean. I got a second chance at a life with all of you and with Teaspoon. I didn't think I'd ever find love again after my Henry but I have. I thought long and hard about telling you what I'm about to tell you, there's still a part of me that thinks it might be a bad idea, but here it goes. Teaspoon and I are trying for a baby..."

"What?" Lou couldn't help but show her surprise. This is not what she was expecting Rachel to say. Rachel held up her hand and gave her an understanding smile.

"We've only just decided. I think he's more excited about the trying part right now... and I don't know if anything will even come of it, but the reason I am telling you is this, I thought giving my heart to someone else would betray Henry's memory, make me forget all that we shared, but I realized there is more than enough room in this heart of mine to hold my past as well as my future... and the idea of carrying another child, well, it terrifies me, but as Teaspoon and I got to talking about it, I knew I couldn't say no to that potential joy out of fear." Rachel's vision clouded with tears, she felt her body start to tremble from the strength of her emotions.

"Oh, Rachel" Lou murmured as put Rachel's hand in her own.

"If we are blessed with a child, it won't make the son that I lost any less real to me, maybe it will even make him more real and make me miss him more... but I'm going to walk on down this road anyway, because I know after all this living I've done that there is rarely great joy without great pain. I'm willing to feel this pain to know that joy." Tears flowed freely down Rachel's cheeks now, but she smiled brightly at Lou through them.

"I know you've got to grieve your own way in your own time. I just don't want you to hurt yourself while you're doing it. There is hope, Lou... for you to live and to love. You may even be scared to even wish for it right now, but hope is walking right with you every step of every day." Lou wasn't sure what to say, her first impulse was to angrily declare that she didn't care if she was ever happy again, but she was tired and sick of fighting, sick of the anger... as she let Rachel's words sink in, she sighed.

"I want to believe that Rachel, I really do."

Rachel knew she didn't need to say anymore as Lou leaned over and allowed Rachel to wrap her arms around her.

* * *

><p>Cody wondered sometimes if his whole life would be spent covered in dust. He dipped a cloth in the washbasin in his tent and ran the wet cloth over his brow, face and the back of his neck. His eyes felt gritty, his mouth too. His run to and from Ft. Kearney had been successful. He had come back ahead of schedule, just as the Captain had expected. Cody wondered rather grumpily if the army would have any use for him at all if he hadn't been a Pony Express rider. He was able to deliver messages quickly and scout all because he had been a rider. He was unique in their unit, valuable too and his superiors voiced their appreciation, but as he finished washing up and ran a comb through his long hair, it felt hollow. The other soldiers were all too aware of his unique status. It wasn't in Cody's nature to have enemies, so they weren't enemies, but they weren't overly friendly to him either. He felt set apart from the first day he joined in his buckskins as a scout and that feeling of separation only grew as the months went on.<p>

It probably didn't help that every chance he got, he spent his free time on the ranch or in town, jawing with Teaspoon at the Marshal's office. He had stopped there first, upon his return, even before checking in with the Captain. It may not have been the wisest move, if he was intent on fitting in, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. His express family _was_ his family for the most part. He still got regular news from his mother and sisters, and it pained him to learn his mother's health was fragile, but he wasn't able to ride the several hundred miles it would take to go see them. He could spend time with those he considered family in Rock Creek though, and he intended to do so, right after changing clothes. It may not be caring for his mother, but it was caring for family and the substitution somehow eased his guilt.

He sighed as he thought of all the news Teaspoon had shared over a pot of coffee at the Marshal's office. Yes, Theresa had liked her present and the birthday party went fine and he had been missed, but Buck and Lou were not faring as well. Cody was used to how Teaspoon would say things without really saying them and he got that something had happened between his two friends while he was gone and now they were walking on eggshells around each other even more than usual. Cody finished buttoning a clean shirt, grabbed his hat and threw his jacket over his shoulder. He meant to change that tonight. They obviously needed his help clearing the air and just saying what they both needed to say. He didn't care what it took, he would drag them both out by their ears if he had to, they were going to go out and have a good time this evening, just like they used to.

"Private Cody, where are you going?"

Cody tensed for a second before relaxing at the familiarity of the voice.

"Just over to the ranch to pick up my friends. Want to take them to Amanda's for some cards." Cody said as he turned to Bobby Jenkins. The boy was seventeen if he was a day. He must've lied on his enlistment papers. He was a good kid, one of the friendlier soldiers in the unit.

"Oh. That where your half breed friend live?" He asked.

Cody narrowed his eyes and looked at Bobby, he saw curiosity only and not contempt so he answered,

"Buck, yeah and Lou too. Need to get out and blow off some steam." Cody said with a grin as he tipped his hat to the boy and walked towards the stables. Bobby shrugged and walked away. Neither of them saw that they had been overheard.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Ford asked as he watched Cody jump on his horse and ride out of camp. Steele's lips curled into a sneer.

"I'm thinking later on? We can teach Mr Fancy Pants scout, the breed and that uppity bitch from the saloon a lesson they won't soon forget...what you thinking?" Steele smiled as he put his hand on Ford's shoulder. Ford shrugged off the hand as his eyes narrowed. He watched Cody round the bend out of camp and move beyond their line of vision. He spat a wad of chewing tobacco to the ground violently.

"That's pretty much what I'm thinking." Ford looked at Steele, his lips turning into an ugly smile. Steel returned the grin, his eyes cold as ice. Ford leaned in and told Steele under his breath exactly what they were going to do. Steele nodded his head in agreement.

"We're going to need to get to the whore first."

"You can take care of that, you've got a way of persuading em to do what you want. Then... alls we gotta do is welcome them home." Ford said smugly as Steele rubbed his hands together in anticipation. The sound of their chilling laughter echoed around the camp as they walked away.

* * *

><p>"Will you two please at least pretend that you're having fun? You guys are killing me here. Listen, there's music playing, people enjoying themselves all around us and I even bought us all a round of sarsaparillas... Lou, where's that pretty smile of yours, huh?" Cody asked plaintively as he discarded and drew from the desk. Lou grunted and fought the urge to roll her eyes. She gave Cody an over exaggerated smile and fluttered her eyelashes rapidly at Cody from across the table.<p>

"Like this?" She asked sweetly.

"Well, it's a start." Cody said making a face at her while he studied his cards. Lou saw Cody start to tap his foot and made a mental note of it, she cast a sideline glance at Buck and saw him smirk slightly.

"Cody, you were all fired up get us down here, so here we are and we're playing. We have been for a while now, and we're having a good time too, aren't we, Buck?" Lou said as she gave Buck a look, silently asking him to back her up.

Buck looked first to Lou and then to Cody. He felt like saying he wasn't having much fun at all. Lou getting drunk and coming on to him had only happened a few days before, and his feelings for her had run hot and cold ever since. In the same breath he'd remember her arms tight around him, the feel of her lips soft against his skin, and then remember her telling him him how she never really wanted him anyway. Worst of all she had no recollection of what she had done, or at least she wasn't owning up to it, if she did. It left him heartsick and weary to his bones over the uncertainty in their relationship. She was looking expectantly at him now, bottom lip between her teeth, unconsciously showing him how uncomfortable she was as well. Buck turned back to Cody and gave his friend a half smile.

"Sure. Just like old times, Cody. We don't get to do this much nowadays. It's nice for a change." Buck said weakly, but it seemed to satisfy Cody.

"I'll say it's nice. There's too much gloom and doom... well, everywhere, as far as the eye can see since the war. When there are chances for happiness, you gotta reach out and grab for it. Don't know when the next chance will come along. We're like a mist, here for a little while and then we vanish, my momma told me." Cody trailed off and then looked pointedly at his friends. Buck and Lou exchanged startled looks. Lou cleared her throat,

"Cody, that's sort of, well... that sounds like something Teapoon'd say." Lou said finally

"Maybe so, are you going to place a bid, or what?" Cody asked, shrugging his shoulders as if to shed the serious moment.

Before Buck could place his bid he heard Lou grumbling under her breath. Millie Coe was walking straight towards them from the direction of the back room, Lou could hear the sound of Millie's dress swishing with her hips as she drew near. Lou tried to frown her away, but Millie's attention was elsewhere.

"Mind if I set a spell? I'm on break." She said sweetly as her eyes darted first from Buck then to Cody. She batted her thick eyelashes against her rosy cheeks and accepted the chair Cody quickly pulled out for her.

"I declare it is a hot one in here tonight, isn't it... I almost feel as like to lie down." She said as she leaned towards Cody, fanning a hand over her ample chest. Cody gulped and couldn't tear his eyes away from the visual feast before him. Lou wasn't sure what Millie was up to or what her current angle was, but she didn't like it.

"Don't think you're allowed to lie down on the job, Millie. Amanda wouldn't like it." Lou nearly spat out the words. She tried to give some sort of signal with her eyes to Cody, but Cody wasn't paying any attention to what Lou was saying at all.

"Oh Louise, you don't see Amanda down here, do you? She went to bed early. Sides, I don't think she'd mind if I just spent a wee bit of time with her dear friends now, ain't that right, Mr. Cody?" She said as she let out a nervous giggle and playfully squeezed Cody's leg. Cody for his part was growing tired of Lou trying to ruin his night and sudden turn of fortune.

"It's always good to be friendly, _Lou,_" Cody said as he shot Lou a warning look. Buck let out a sigh as Millie cast him one of her usual hopeful glances before turning her gaze and smiles back at Cody. Something didn't set right. Millie had seen Cody in the saloon dozens of times. She had never thrown herself at Cody like this before. It was obvious what she wanted, and for a second he thought about outright asking her why her sudden change of heart. One look at Lou made him decide against it, the way she was shooting daggers at Millie, Lou would only interpret the question as interest on his part.

"Cody," Millie leaned in, making sure only he heard, "don't think your friends are very interested in their cards anymore, maybe they'd like to go home? I might be able to show you a better time upstairs." She breathed, letting her lips touch his ear as she spoke, then under the table she lightly ran her hand up his leg so there could be no mistaking her meaning. He absolutely had to believe her, if this was going to work. Cody nearly knocked his chair over as he stood up. He grabbed Millie's hand, shot her one of his most brilliant smiles and turned to his friends.

"I'm going to spend more time with Millie here, why don't you go home... and talk, you know, work things out. I know you got lots to say." Cody said, almost desperate for them to understand. For one moment they had his total attention as he made eye contact with Buck and Lou, they looked bemused and disgruntled respectively. Cody knew he needed to make a quick getaway before Lou opened her mouth and managed to say something that would ruin it for him. He let out a sigh.

"Please?" He begged, not sure which he wanted more, for them to work things out or let him go off with Millie. Buck turned to Lou and saw she wasn't going to say anything so answered for them both.

"Sure, I guess. You were going to win this hand anyway." Buck said finally, remembering Cody's telltale foot tapping.

"What? How did you know?" Cody asked, as he let Millie rope her arm around his.

"Cody, if you don't know, we ain't telling ya." Lou said as she got up from the table, smiling despite herself at Cody's pout.

"Night Louise... Buck." Millie said tightly, smile plastered on her face. Buck paused. Something still didn't feel right, but Cody was tipping his hat goodbye with a wink and Lou was pulling on the sleeve of his jacket, so he let himself be led away. Once the batwing doors closed behind him, Buck pulled Lou up short.

"Didn't all that seem sort of odd to you?"

"Not really. Wish Cody had better taste, but lots of women find him pleasing, I ain't one of them, but I guess I ain't like most women." Lou said almost forlornly as she walked ahead. Buck watched her slight, feminine walk and couldn't help the wave of longing that washed over him.

"No, you sure ain't" He muttered.

"What?" She stopped and turned her wide eyes to him.

"Nothing. Let's get the horses."

* * *

><p>Cody had seen the staff room upstairs before. It was almost a closet with an end table, lamp and a cot. Employees stayed there on occasion. There had been nothing alluring about it then, but there was now, Cody mused as he stood in the middle of the room and watched Millie close the door behind him and light the lamp dimly. Her blonde hair caught the light and framed her face like an angel. She wasted no time making her move, boldly kissing him with an open mouth as she pulled him tight to her. Cody allowed her free rein as his own need grew stronger for her. Sure, there was a small voice in the back of his mind that wondered at her sudden interest. Even deeper than that, the look of fear he had seen flash in her eyes the second before her lips crushed into his, but the voice was quickly drowned out by the feelings of pleasure her touch brought him.<p>

"You are a beautiful man, Mr. Cody." She said appreciatively as she opened his shirt and ran her hands over his bare chest.

"You can call me..." Cody trailed off with a groan, forgetting what he was saying as she nipped at the sensitive skin on his chest.

"Let me see you, beautiful." Cody smiled one of his cocky smiles as he spun Millie around and unfastened her dress with well practiced fingers.

As her outer garment fell to the floor and she turned back around to face him in her underthings, Cody went from feeling fire burn through his veins, to ice. His eyes flew to the large, angry purple bruise on her upper arm, only now visible.

"What is this?" he asked,as he reached to touch her arm, "Who did this to you?" Millie flinched away from his touch and turned her eyes to the floor.

"It's nothing, it was an accident." She managed as her voice wavered.

"Like hell, this weren't no accident. Millie, I can see the marks of a man's hand in that bruise. Someone grabbed you tight, not too long ago and meant to hurt you. Now, who was it?" He asked sharply.

If Cody was honest with himself,his feelings didn't run all that deep for Millie, but she was a woman and in his mind, no man who called themselves a man should ever lay a finger on a woman. The bastard would pay. Mille's eyes darted around the room. She jerked her dress up over her shoulders and started to pace.

"I'm not supposed to say anything! He said he'd do far worse to me if I breathed a word... but ever since he grabbed me at the back of the saloon when I went out for water, I've been fretting he's going to do something terrible and it will all be my fault."

"Who? and why? You gotta tell me quick, I have a feeling you're right, something terrible could happen." He said as he moved in front of her and stopped her in her tracks. He put both hands on her shoulders. She bit her lip and her eyes brimmed with tears.

"Was it some soldiers in my unit? Privates Steele or Ford?" He asked quietly, dreading the answer.

"Yes! It was Steele who hurt me, but I don't think the other one was too far away. He didn't say much to me at all! He just said if I was afraid now, it wouldn't be nothing to how afraid I'd be if I didn't tell him what he wanted or do what he said. He told me to keep you "busy" and he asked where the ranch was..." She said whimpering as the tears now flowed freely down her cheeks.

"And you told him?" Cody demanded. She couldn't look him in the eye, she only nodded as she let out a sob.

"Of all the... damn it, those two have had it out for Buck, how could I have been so stupid to fall for..." Cody stopped himself and stepped away from Millie, who had paled at the mention of Buck's name, and quickly buttoned his shirt. His hands started to shake and his heart beat hard in his chest. He glanced over at Millie who had now sunk to the cot and was crying in earnest.

"Millie, I need you to do something for me. I need you to run, not walk, to the Marshal's office and get Teaspoon or Henry. Tell em everything. I'm riding out there now. They need to do the same." Cody flung open the door and was about to break into a run when he heard Millie call his name.

"Cody... I would have enjoyed being with you." Millie said meekly as she stood up and dried her eyes. Cody's face hardened,

"Just get the Marshal, alright?"

He didn't wait for her to agree, he ran down the stairs, out of the saloon and mounted his horse. He rode towards the ranch at a full gallop. He had seen these soldiers' brutality first hand. Memories of defenseless innocents' screams echoed in his ears as he urged his horse on faster. He prayed he wouldn't be too late.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry for such a gap between chapters! I didn't mean to leave everyone hanging there for so long after the last one... and I promise, you won't have to wait long for the other shoe to fall here either, as I have the follow up chapter already written. I'll post it here in the next couple days. Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews too. I really appreciate them. As always, let me know what you think. :) **


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 29

"Buck? Even though it may not've seemed like it, I had a good time tonight. Cody was right. We needed a break... just to get away from things." Lou broke the silence as she finished stabling Lightning for the night. Buck glanced at her as he closed the door on his horse's stall.

"You did? Good. Maybe even in spite of himself, Cody had the right idea... I enjoy spending time with you two. It was nice." Buck said simply as he walked towards the barn door. Lou's hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Wait..." She said hesitantly. She dropped her hand from his shoulder and grabbed his hand.

"What?" He asked as he let her lace her fingers through his. Lou brow furrowed as she looked at him, really looked at him standing before her in the light of the single lantern overhead.

"Buck, I, well..." She couldn't make the words come out, instead she pulled him to her in a tight embrace. After a second, Buck returned it, allowing his head to rest on the top of hers as his body relaxed in response to her warmth.

"What's this for?" He asked quietly.

"Thank you. For always being there, being with me through thick and thin. I haven't been the easiest person to be around for a long time... and I've been so angry... at the world, at Kid, at God for taking my Angel from me, but you've stuck by me, even when I pushed you away. I don't know what I would have done without you."

Her voice was muffled against the fabric of his shirt but Buck her her loud and clear. He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly for a second as he ran a hand over her hair and down her back. He chuckled softly while still holding her close, she looked up at him as the sound reverberated in his chest.

"I won't lie to you, it was hard sometimes, but only cause some days I thought you'd never be my friend again. Thought I had lost you to grief, and that scared me bad. You mean so much to me Lou, you're my best friend... my partner, remember?"

Lou smiled at him brightly as tears shone in her eyes. She could hear the passion in his voice, he meant every word. Buck almost forgot to breathe, she looked so beautiful to him. This was his Lou, work pants and shirt, hair in unruly braids with a smile that warmed his heart. He bent over and brushed his lips against her forehead as she leaned into him.

The barn doors burst open. Buck and Lou's heads whipped around to the sound. There stood Ford and Steele, in their uniforms with their guns drawn and pointed right at them. Buck saw Lou wasn't wearing her gun and quickly shoved her behind him and he drew his weapon.

Ford, the taller and darker of the two laughed.

"Well, ain't this a pretty picture? Ah ah, Injun... Buck is what I think they call you? honorable deputy of Rock Creek? You should know better to draw when it's two against one and we've already got you all lined up like a buck for the kill..." Ford laughed again at his play on words and Steele joined him.

"Bastards, who you think you are, trespassing like this? Get off of our land!" Lou said, trying to step out behind Buck, who held out a firm hand to stop her.

"Shh, quiet, Lou." Buck hissed, not taking his eyes off the two men who were now slowly walking toward them.

"Yes, quiet Lou," Ford mocked, "you should listen to your breed, whore... we had to take that mouth of yours once, but after we're through with you? Well now, you'll know your place I suspect... and don't worry, we'll get off your land, _after_ we're through... with both of yous."

"This one is no Millie now, but don't you reckon she'd look lot better with her clothes off?" Steele asked almost gleefully as he circled around Lou, his gun still pointed right at her heart. He reached forward and tugged at the sleeve of her shirt.

"Don't you touch me, don't you dare touch me!" Lou spat out as she moved closer into Buck's side.

Buck's mind raced furiously as he glared at both men, his jaw flexing. All the foul things any white man had ever said or done to him, now stood personified before him. He felt his rage reaching its breaking point. If Lou hadn't been here, he would have found a way to kill both men where they stood, but Lou was here, he couldn't risk anything happening to her.

"You will not hurt her." Buck ordered. Ford only smirked as he stepped right up to Buck.

"Don't think you're in any position to make any demands, now are ya.. It's just a shame when you see a breed get all uppity and forget his place. Have had to put up with you bein some sort of authority in this town for too long... but that'll change." Ford dropped his smile like a stone, "I'll take that, if you don't mind." Ford snatched Buck's gun and put it in his belt.

Steele grabbed Lou to him, and forced his mouth against hers. Lou let out a scream of rage as she struggled. Buck lunged forward.

"No!" he shouted as he tried to rush Steele, Ford jerked Buck back and slammed the butt of his gun into his face, then pulled Buck back to him and punched him hard in the stomach. Buck doubled over in pain.

"Settle down now, don't you want to watch? Maybe you'll see how a real man does it before you die." Ford laughed as he turned back to Steele who was now ripping at Lou's clothes.

"Buck!" Lou cried out desperately, her eyes meeting his for just second.

Buck saw everything in her eyes. He had seen enough. He gasped and fell to one knee, then saw his opportunity as Lou's body twisted out of the way. He grabbed his knife out of the sheath on his boot and let it fly. It found its mark. Steele staggered back in shock as he looked down at his chest, blood already staining down his shirt. His mouth opened in a sneer before his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell to the ground.

"Why you piece of sh.." Ford cursed as he swung around to Buck. Buck launched himself towards the soldier's midsection, but it was already too late. The shot was fired. Lou screamed as Buck crumpled to the ground. She rushed to his side.

"Buck, oh my god, Buck!" Lou cried, terrified as she knelt over his body. She saw blood pouring out of his right flank and shoved her hand against his side and leaned her head against him, frantically listening for a heart beat.

"He's going to die, whore. Don't feel bad. You're going to join him." Ford said coldly as he cocked his gun and took aim. Lou sat up and looked past the gun, right at him.

"Do it." She dared him, her gaze unwavering.

Ford hesitated as he wondered at the strange little woman. It would be his last thought. A horse and his rider raced into the barn. Ford didn't even have a chance to turn and meet his executioner as Cody's bullet ripped through his heart.

* * *

><p>Buck felt like he was slipping underwater. He heard muffled voices shouting. First Cody, then Jeremiah and finally Teaspoon. They sounded tense and worried and he wished they would stop. There was pain, so much pain and the deeper he slipped, the less he felt. The darkness was nearly complete when he heard a sweeter noise, close to him.<p>

"Buck! Please, you can't leave me! Please, Buck! Wake up!"

His consciousness floated upwards towards the voice. He heard her clearly now, right in his ear.

"We're going to get you to a doctor, do you hear me? We're going to get you help... and you're going to be alright, you _have_ to be..." She said desperately, her fear thick in her voice.

He struggled to open his eyes, a feat he seemed incapable of doing. He felt the pain in his side stronger now, other hands pushing at him, wrapping him tightly. He wanted them to go away, he only wanted her.

"You can't go dying on me Buck, I won't let you... I... I need you too much, damn it. I need you!"

She was weeping, he could feel her tears hot against his cheek. He used his last bit of strength to reach her.

Lou let her tears fall as she crouched beside him, unaware of the commotion around her as Cody and Jeremiah set up the wagon to take Buck to the doctor. Teaspoon put the finishing touches on Buck's bandages, tying them as tight as he dared. Lou barely noticed, she only saw Buck's face, his shallow breathing, the sweat on his brow and the pallor of his skin. She watched his eyes move under closed lids and then gasped, when they fluttered open. He looked straight at her, his gaze unwavering.

"Lou." he whispered as he reached his hand towards her.

Lou let out a sob and she grabbed his hand in her own and held on tightly.

"Stay with me, alright? Hold on to me, don't let go." She pleaded as she willed him to keep looking at her.

"Buck, all of us are gonna carry you into that wagon now, and get you over to Doc Gollmer as fast as we can." Teaspoon said gruffly as he leaned down and put a hand under Buck's shoulders.

Buck nodded and then started to cough at the movement; a gagging, gurgling sound as a fresh wave of pain washed over him. He heard Lou cry out his name one last time before he passed out.

* * *

><p>Doc Gollmer finished applying a new bandage to his sleeping patient then turned to throw the bloody ones away. He looked around his office in the early morning light. There were only two holding vigil at present, Louise and the blonde one, Cody. Louise was now sleeping half on his patient's bed and half on her chair. He shook his head and mused she would be awful sore when she woke, but then the soldier probably wouldn't fare much better, sleeping sprawled out like he was in Gollmer's only other office chair with his hat over his face and his rifle clutched in his hands. There had been more. It seemed since he had been pulled from his bed two nights before that half of Rock Creek had been in his office. Buck would be surprised when he recovered how many friends he had in this town. Yes, Gollmer thought with a sigh, <em>when <em>and not _if_, for all their sakes.

He had managed to kick out the rest of the faithful last night; the black smith and his wife, Rachel and the children and Teaspoon too, after some convincing. The town did not need a marshal sick from exhaustion, he had said finally and rather loudly. But the two young people would not leave and he stopped asking after the first night. This was a ragtag bunch for a family, but a family was what they were and they had been through a lot, even in the relatively short time he had known them. Lou and Buck especially. After watching the two of them during that poor wee babe's birth, he knew they had a special sort of relationship. So Louise's refusal to leave made sense to him. Buck had been the same way with her.

It was the soldier, Cody, who surprised him. He had gathered bits and pieces from the others of what had happened and why. It was no loss to have the two soldiers dead and they would not be mourned, but it was obvious to him that Cody was not only concerned for his friend, but felt the burden of responsibility as well. Gollmer stopped and shook his head. There may be some truth to that, but probably not in the way the young man was thinking. Cody had said he only wished he had gotten there sooner to shoot both of the soldiers before they laid a finger on his friends. Gollmer knew enough of army ways to suppose the army would not be viewing a dead soldier shot in the back by another fellow soldier the same way. Especially not when the dead soldier was as well connected as Ford was to wealthy and powerful people back east. Gollmer heard a knock on the door and quickly moved to answer it, before it disturbed anyone's sleep. He answered the door with a frown.

"Another long night, doc?" Teaspoon asked as he stood just outside the door. Gollmer put his finger to his lips and motioned Teaspoon outside.

"I'll not have you waking those young folk up with your brash Texas twang, Marshal Hunter." Gollmer explained as he pointed to the bench by the door.

"Course, course," Teaspoon muttered as he thumbed his suspenders and joined the doctor on the bench. He ran a hand over his unshaven face and leaned forward.

"So how's the boy?" Teaspoon asked, heavy in thought.

"I'd say he's made marked improvement even from last night. His color's better. He's very alert when he's awake. Plum lucky that bullet passed clean through like it did and that Louise was right there to slow the bleeding until help arrived to get him here. All that quick action likely saved his life."

"Good to hear," Teaspoon said with a sigh as he leaned back. His frown deepened, which was not lost on Gollmer.

"Something else is weighing on you." Gollmer said matter of factly. Teaspoon cast a sideways look, then nodded. "The army?" Gollmer asked.

"Cody's captain roused me from my bed this morning. We go back a ways so I didn't shoot him for the rudeness. He pretty much confirmed what we talked on last night. Think we've found a way to save him, but it means going in there and telling that boy he's leaving this morning, and I ain't sure when he's like to return." Teaspoon removed his hat and slapped it against his knee, then shook his head. "Just wasting his time out here. Suppose Buck could be woke up to say goodbye?" Teaspoon asked.

"Gently and if there's not too much excitement... I have a feeling he'd very much want to say goodbye."

"Right then." Teaspoon stood up along with the doctor and stretched.

His old bones did not feel ready for what he was about to do. Teaspoon followed Gollmer in, who set about opening the drapes and made motion that he was going to make coffee to give the family some space.

Lou blinked at the light coming through the windows and let out a groan as she lifted her head. Her first conscious thought was of Buck. She turned to him and felt his hand still warm in hers and watched the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, and sighed in relief. Then she saw Teaspoon, who gave her a weak smile as leaned over and pulled Cody's hat off his face. Cody still didn't stir, so he held his shoulder and shook him gently.

"Morning Lou... Cody, it's important you wake up, son. You ain't got much time." Teaspoon said as he removed the rifle from Cody's arms and set it down next to him. Lou stood up and walked over to Teaspoon as Cody started to wake up.

"Time? Whatcha talking bout, Teaspoon?" She asked

"What's going on?" Cody mumbled as he forced his eyes open and shifted positions. Teaspoon pulled up Lou's vacated chair next to Cody and Lou sat down on the edge of Buck's bed.

"Well, there's no easy way to tell you this, son... you're going to have ride on out of here this morning. Your Captain's waiting for you in my office right now, to take you back to camp and then give you transfer papers to Fort Leavenworth... he's putting you with the 7th Kansas Cavalry as a teamster." Teaspoon said gruffly. Lou looked at Cody in disbelief as Cody blinked, trying to make sense of Teaspoon's words.

"Why would the Captain transfer me? I don't understand."

"Well, you knew how well connected those boys were, probably part of what turned em, they couldn't never be touched. Word gets back east of what's happened here and heads could roll, including your own. Your Captain and I figured, if you was demoted and sent away from here, as official consequence, all signed and proper, they won't be able to touch you. The record will show you saved Lou's life by shooting Ford. It will be too late for them to do nothing, but we gotta act fast. Word travels quick nowadays."

"He's going to be punished for saving my life?" Lou asked incredulously as tears started to form in her eyes as she stared at her friend.

"It ain't right, but that's how it's gotta be, Lou." Teaspoon said as he moved to put an arm around her shoulders.

Lou wanted to protest more, but Cody stood up and stopped whatever thought she had forming, with the sad resignation in his eyes.

"Surprised I didn't see this coming sooner. It ain't how things should be, Lou, but then, few things are, these days."

Lou stood up and pulled Cody into a bear hug.

"I don't want you to go," she said as she squeezed him.

"I don't want to leave," he answered as he hugged her back, sniffing as he held back his tears, "but it'll be alright. Buck's going to get better, the ranch'll do real well this year and I'll be back home before you know it. Ain't this war sposed to be done 'fore Christmas, anyways?" His voice quivered as he stepped back to look at Lou, then to the man he viewed like his own father and to Buck, just now opening his eyes.

"What's happened?" Buck asked hoarsely.

Lou rounded the bed and put her hand in his. She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but failed.

"Cody here is being transferred on account of the shooting. He needs to leave in a few minutes." Teaspoon explained as he looked towards the floor.

"No." Buck said as he tried to sit up. Lou put her hand on his shoulder to keep him from moving.

"Thought maybe you'd be about ready to get me out of your hair, Buck." Cody said lightly, but his eyes betrayed him. Buck shook his head,

"You saved my life, and Lou's... you're my brother, Cody, like my own blood. Always have been." Buck said quietly as he reached his hand out to him.

Cody walked over and took it. He closed his eyes as his new reality sunk in. Tears fell unheeded as he opened his eyes again, he took in the sight of Lou on the other side of the bed and Buck next to him.

"I'd do it all over again, no matter what. I'm only sorry I wasn't able to stop those two sooner. I may not have been able to save the innocents in battle, but I got to you in time... barely." Cody said, feeling like if he stayed much longer, he would start crying in earnest.

"Teaspoon, I'll write to you all, lots of letters, you need to write too... all of you. I'll want all the news."

Teaspoon stood up and joined Cody with an arm on his shoulder.

"You ready then, son?" Teaspoon asked, pushing the words past the lump in his throat.

"No, but don't reckon I ever will be either," Cody straightened up and gave Buck's hand a squeeze before dropping it. He grabbed his coat, hat and rifle, then smiled at both of his friends.

"You take care of each other, make sure he heals up right proper Lou, and be happy... both of you. Let's go, Teaspoon." Cody said as he turned and walked to the door.

Lou quickly moved to give Cody one last goodbye hug. Cody was about to leave when Buck called out to him,

"May the Great Spirit keep you safe, my brother."

Cody stopped and acknowledged the words with a smile and a tip of his hat. Then he was out the door with Teaspoon.

Lou stood and stared at the door for a while, before turning to walk back to Buck's side.

"Would it hurt you, if I lay down next to you?" She asked as she wiped away tears with the back of her hand.

"Don't think so, com'ere." He said as he motioned her to him.

She quickly snuggled up next to him on his good side. Buck felt the pain from his wound ebb slightly as he started to absorb her warmth. They laid quietly together for a while, lost in thought.

"I'm going to miss him." She said finally.

"Me too."

"It's not fair."

"No, it's not." He agreed, he could feel himself starting to tire and tried to keep his eyes open for her.

"I've never been so scared, when I thought... when I thought I was going to lose you." She leaned up on her elbow so she could look him in the eye.

"Bout how I felt, just before I let my knife go." He said, watching her intently.

Lou stared back and shivered at how close she came to losing him. She leaned forward and slowly, deliberately kissed him on the lips. Buck kissed her back and gently lifted his hand to her check when the kiss ended. Lou blushed and gave him a shy smile. She saw his eyelids grow heavy.

"I should go get the doc, make sure you get your medicines, and I'll try and make up one of your teas, too." She said as she eased off the bed.

Buck smiled at her as his eyelids closed. He thought about Cody's simple parting words, to be happy. The woman he loved more than anything had just kissed him, there was happiness to be found with her, but along with that, another thought emerged and would not go quietly. They had survived the actions of ignorant hate this time. He wondered if he could risk her life for the sake of his own happiness, if there was a next time, and they weren't so lucky. His heart and his mind warred over the idea as he drifted back into an unsettled sleep.

* * *

><p>Teaspoon felt about a hundred years old as he watched Cody ride away with his Captain. Cody had put on a brave face and given him a firm handshake goodbye, but Teaspoon thought Cody hadn't ever looked younger to him, riding off alone into a future more uncertain than ever before. Telling him to ride safe seemed far from adequate. There was nothing safe in war, not as a scout, and not going further east, as a teamster. Teaspoon felt helpless and tired. He had only slept fitfully in the last few days and doubted he'd sleep much better tonight, with this latest development. He needed Rachel, he need her arms and her bed, but she'd be at school teaching by now. He would have to wait to tell her about Cody's departure. He reckoned she'd be about as upset about Cody as he was. Teaspoon was about ready to walk back into his office when Hiram, Tompkins store boy ran up to him.<p>

"Marshal, Marshal, you got a telegram. Mr. Tompkins wanted me to run it right to you." Hiram said as he screeched to a halt right in front of him.

He thrust the folded piece of paper towards Teaspoon and looked at him expectantly. Teaspoon recovered from the surprise,

"Well thank you, Hiram," Teaspoon said as he fished around in his pocket and pulled out a coin, "here's for your trouble."

Hiram took the coin with a smile, still looking expectant. Teaspoon sighed.

"Fraid I'm not going to read it with you standing there, off with you now." Teaspoon said with a wave of his hand.

Hiram's face fell and he walked back to the general store, grumbling. Teaspoon shook his head and let out a chuckle. He doubted the day would ever come when getting a telegram was not town news. He sat down, his own curiosity growing. The first thing he saw was the place of origin, Corinth, Mississippi. His heart dropped. He had just learned of a horrible and bloody battle in Shiloh, not too far from there. Kid. It had to be. His heart started to race, wondering what the telegram could mean. He read the words with shaking hands.

TEASPOON. GOT WORD LOU IS PREGNANT WITH MY CHILD. IS THIS TRUE. PLEASE RESPOND. KID.

"Merciful God."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well... You'll find out how Teaspoon responds next chapter. It will be a bit though, I need to do some research. I will try and write as fast as I can though! :) **

**I should be posting a one shot story I wrote sometime soon and then if you haven't checked out "The Gift of Sendah's Fire", you should. That was the "ridiculous project" I referred to once. A lot of the fabulous writers on this site contributed and it's pretty funny, if I do say so myself. ;) **

**I hope you enjoyed! **


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 30- May 1862

KID. LOU HAD YOUR DAUGHTER EARLY. THE BABE DID NOT SURVIVE. HER NAME WAS ANGEL.

* * *

><p>The sudden screeching of the boxcar turning a corner on the tracks jolted Johnny awake. He blinked, disoriented in the dark for a moment as he gathered his bearings. His heart skipped a beat. Virginia. They were almost there. Even though it made no sense to him, he could feel it. He could smell it on the air. The land was calling to his soul and it grew louder with each passing mile. The near crushing exhaustion of their journey, which had seemed endless and plagued with every conceivable trial, suddenly lifted off his shoulders. Johnny glanced to his left, to Kid sleeping against his shoulder. Johnny resisted a sudden impulse to nudge him awake, and tell him they were almost home. He sighed. After all Kid had been through in the last few weeks, he was pretty sure Kid didn't know which way was up anymore, much less where home was. Johnny's lips pressed into a thin line, well he knew, even if Kid didn't... and he'd remind him when he did wake up, same as he'd been reminding him every day for weeks.<p>

They were brothers now, in Johnny's mind, same as if they were blood. He knew if roles were reversed Kid would do the same for him. Johnny shuddered involuntarily at the thought. He hoped Kid would never have to force him to keep on living. Johnny settled himself back up against the wall, crowded against so many other transferring soldiers and let his mind go back to the afternoon Kid got the accursed letter from some no count named Frank.

* * *

><p>"Kid! What's going on? Com'on, talk to me! Kid, where are you going?" Johnny shouted after his friend, breaking into a run to catch up. He finally reached him and grabbed his arm at the edge of camp. Kid whipped himself around, jerking his arm free.<p>

"A baby? Johnny, I could be a father! Right now in Rock Creek, I could have a son... or a daughter... my child, Johnny, my own flesh and blood and I don't know nothing about it, until Frank James decides to drop me a line? I gotta get out of here. I have to go see if Lou's carrying... oh God, Lou..." Kid's face clouded with emotion, he looked wildly around him, Johnny thought if there had been a horse nearby, Kid would have jumped on it and he'd be eating Kid's dust before he could blink an eye. Johnny stepped in Kid's way.

"It can't be true. I mean, if she was having your child, she'd write you, right? Seems like the sort of thing a man should be told."

Kid let out a harsh laugh,

"You don't know Lou, she's more stubborn than any man... and when I left, I hurt her, hurt her pride, and made her sign papers she wouldn't have thought to sign if I hadn't put them in front of her... No, I can see her not writing, but none of the rest of them neither? Not even Teaspoon?" Kid's voice broke as he started to pace, muttering words Johnny couldn't hear.

"Well, you walking back and forth like you is, isn't going to get you answers, and I don't know how you're going to get em, can't exactly write a letter and wait for a reply, we're supposed to be leaving tomorrow on the train, remember?"

Kid stopped suddenly and let out a shout of frustration. Johnny looked around quickly. They were far enough out, they weren't attracting any unwanted attention. Johnny gave him a warning look but Kid waved him off.

"I have to find out, can't you see that? I had a sorry excuse for a father, I could never have my own child say the same about me." Kid's eyes looked haunted, he flinched away from some distant memory. Johnny stepped closer, speaking in a calmer tone,

"You're right, you need to know this, but Kid, you need to use that head of yours first. The one that's kept us both alive for this whole war so far... if you ride on out of here, you'll be deserting, and if they catch you, they'll kill you. That won't solve anything now, will it?"

Kid stared up at Johnny, blue eyes flashing defiance.. slowly they lost their fire as he turned away from from him and faced west. He took his grey cap off and let it slap against his leg.

"The letter mentioned Buck too, loving Lou, sometimes I wondered..." Kid trailed off and put a hand to his forehead, as if to cover his eyes from whatever that thought caused him to imagine. Johnny put a hand on his friend's shoulder, but Kid stiffened against it. He turned to Johnny suddenly.

"The gambling money, that's the answer." Kid said firmly.

"What?" Johnny asked in confusion.

"You remember, the money we won from Pillow. We ain't hardly spent a dime since we won it. Been saving it for an emergency. Well, this is an emergency to me. I'll send a telegram to Teaspoon and ask for one back. He'll tell me the truth." Kid said, already turning back to their tent. Johnny slowly nodded his head.

"Sure, that'll work, we'll have to go into Corith proper, make sure we can trust the telegraph operator, and this will only work if Teaspoon gets right back to you. You think he will?" Johnny asked as he met Kid's stride.

"Yes." Kid said simply.

* * *

><p>Not long after, they sat on a bench by the telegraph operator. Kid couldn't keep the nervous shake out of his leg. He had money for more words than the simple telegram he had sent Teaspoon, but after starring at the paper for several minutes, couldn't think of anything else to write. There was too much to say, hundreds of words and questions. So he had kept it to his most pressing question. Five minutes stretched to ten, then twenty. They were nearing an hour. Johnny could feel his impatience and sense of dread grow with every passing minute. If this man that Kid viewed as a father was not going to write back, they should just leave and spare his friend the pain of waiting in vain. He was just about to suggest as much when the telegraph beeped to life. The operator's head tilted as he listened closely, writing each letter deliberately. Kid and Johnny both watched him with rapt attention. The machine finally fell silent. The young operator finished transcribing the note on a fresh sheet of paper, and then folded it neatly.<p>

"Well?" Kid said as he stood up and took several long strides over to the desk. The young man handed over the sheet of paper without meeting either of their eyes.

"It's your reply from Rock Creek."

Johnny watched Kid grab the paper and stormed towards the door, then turned quickly to the operator,

"There's no need for anyone to know bout this telegram from the North, am I clear?" Johnny said as glowered over the young man, using his size to its full effect.

"No Sir, not for news such as that," the young man said sadly. He looked up at Johnny and Johnny understood then and felt his heart drop to his stomach.

"Hell and damnation." Johnny said under his breath as he quickly walked out of the office and after Kid.

"What say we go back to the same spot we was talking earlier, and read that thing, hey Kid?" Johnny asked lightly as he met Kid's stride. Kid only nodded his head, his frown deepening as he held the paper in a white knuckle grip. They were well enough away now.

"I don't know if I can read these words, Johnny." Kid said almost desperately, as he looked to the folded paper in his hands.

"You're the bravest fellow I know, of course you can." Johnny said, forcing a smile.

"Think I'd rather face a whole mess of Yanks alone, than read this." Kid said with a shaky laugh as he finally opened the telegram and let his eyes take in the words found there.

Johnny held his breath as he watched Kid's face. It was almost as if he could see the exact moment his friend's heart broke in two. Kid dropped to one knee, then to the other, by the time Johnny crouched next to him, Kid's face had lost all color. Wordlessly Kid passed Johnny the telegram. Johnny read the single line with an oath, and put it in the pocket of his jacket. Already the words were burned onto Johnny's memory. Kid blinked back tears and starred at the ground as the shock started to wear off. Kid started to shake like a leaf, he rocked himself back and forth, finally the tears started to fall in earnest. Johnny felt completely helpless, watching his friend, like a brother, who had always been so strong and stoic, fall apart.

"I was a father. I can't believe it, Johnny... a baby girl. Angel... and she's gone. I don't even know why. When was she born? Was she sick? Did she... did she suffer before she died? What did she look like? I don't know anything! I don't even know where she's buried, where'd I'd lay flowers on her grave." Kid said with increasing anguish. There was nothing to say so Johnny remained silent and waited.

"and what happened with Lou? She must've been so scared... the hurt I'm feeling right now, it must've been ten times worse for her. She was alone. I left her alone, and carrying my child, what sort of man does that?" Kid cried as he sat back from his knees to the dirt.

"You didn't know, that's why. I suspect she didn't know either when you left. You didn't do nothing wrong. Your country called you to service and you answered your duty. You're not the first soldier to miss the birth of a child, you know that." Johnny said finally.

"Damn this whole miserable war to hell and all the Yankees and the Confederacy too...Don't look at me like that, I mean it. If men hadn't been so fired up to throw away peace and trying to find ways to live and let live, I would have never left. If there was no war, I would have been happy with Lou, Johnny. We was going to start a farm after the Express was over, send for her brother and sister... and this baby... Angel, maybe this baby would have lived to see me bounce her on my knee and teach her how to ride..." Kid got too choked up to continue, he put his hands over his face, as his sorrow overwhelmed him.

Johnny finally scooted over to him and put an arm around Kid's shoulders, holding on even as Kid tried to shrug him away.

"It's a beautiful picture Kid, one I wish for myself and Moira someday. I wish we could've lived in times of peace, where we put our hands to the plow instead of the sword, but God didn't call us to those days. We're living in days of hell, you're right. But the only way out, is to see this through and finish what we've started..."

Kid jumped up suddenly, throwing Johnny off balance, and cursed loudly at the sky, before he started to walk away. Johnny gained his feet.

"Where are you going?" He called after him.

"Same place other men go when they realize they've thrown their happiness away and ain't got much else to live for... to the saloon." Kid growled as he quickly wiped the last of his tears with the back of his sleeve. Johnny groaned.

"Not without me you're not. You still have a train to catch in the morning, Sergeant Harris."

* * *

><p>It had not been the best idea, Johnny thought back, with the benefit of hindsight. Neither of them were very big drinkers. Johnny allowed himself only a few shots of whiskey. It had been enough to make the world fuzzy, but not enough to make him take leave of his senses. Kid on the other hand, tried his damnedest to kill himself with drink that night, despite Johnny's best efforts to keep the whiskey bottle out of Kid's hand. Kid was stubborn, and obnoxious, frankly. It was only when Kid started speaking with growing volume some of the same things that he had been saying earlier, damning both sides, that Johnny had unceremoniously picked Kid up like a sack of potatoes and hefted him over his shoulder and carried him out. Kid grew even louder in the alley behind the saloon. Finally Johnny had enough. He saw a rain barrel alongside one of the nearby buildings, nice and full. Johnny looked around and seeing no one else in the dark of the night, tossed Kid head first into it without a second thought. Kid came up sputtering and seething. He swung at Johnny with all his weight, but Johnny sidestepped him, causing Kid to lose his balance and fall against a fence. He was about to try and throw another punch, when he stopped, leaned over and vomited. Kid took a moment to try and clear his head before he he propped himself back up on the fence.<p>

"What'd you do that for?" Kid finally gasped as he looked up a Johnny through his dripping wet hair. Johnny crossed his arms and frowned.

"Don't know if you were sober enough in there to hear yourself, but you were starting to sound awful treasonous... would much rather have you with me on our way to Virginia tomorrow than watch you hang."

Kid groaned.

"Don't know if it much matters, now."

Johnny felt himself starting to get angry.

"Well if that ain't the stupidest talk to ever come out of your mouth. Kid, remember that promise to your Grandfather, all those years ago? Well, we're almost there and with a promotion to boot. He'd be proud of you, real proud."

"Don't make much sense right now, throwing everything away like I did, to keep a promise to a dead man... Lou, and Angel..." Kid trailed off, Johnny could see Kid getting upset all over again in his not quite sober state. Johnny's face hardened as he stepped closer to Kid and grabbed him by the scruff of his jacket.

"Look at me damn it, what I'm about to say to you is cruel. Maybe the meanest words I'll ever speak to you, but you need to hear them... Your old life back in Rock Creek is dead too. That sweet babe you never got to meet is dead. She's resting in heavenly arms right now, and all the stupid things you could do to yourself to try and join her, ain't going to bring her back here and give you a life with her or Lou or anyone else. You made your choice, Kid, when you rode out of Rock Creek and met me on that train to join up. I look back at it, and even now, after all we've been through, I'd still make the same choice, because it was my _duty _to my country. Now. I don't know if you'd do the same, knowing all you know, but it don't matter. You're still a soldier with the Confederate States of America, expected to report to General Stuart in three weeks time. No mount of sorrow you feel right now is going to change that."

Kid stared at him, mouth moving to find the words for his response. Instead he leaned over and puked again, narrowly missing both pair of boots.

"Let's go back to camp, Johnny. I need to sleep this off, and I'm cold." Kid said shakily. They walked back to their tent, Kid leaning on Johnny for support without another word.

* * *

><p>They were at the train station with their horses the next morning on time, and after leading their horses into one of the boxcars and finding themselves shoved into another car with dozens of other soldiers, they had been on their way.<p>

What would have been a relatively easy journey in times of peace, was fraught with the dangerous realities of war. Repeatedly the train had been in danger of running off the tracks from Union sabotage. They rode whole stretches on horseback until coming to a section of the line not in Union hands. It had been slow and frustrating, but privately Johnny was glad for the extra time. Kid hadn't returned to his former self, Johnny supposed that might never happen, but he did seem resigned to his current lot in life.

Morning light started to peek through the cracks of the boxcar, bringing Johnny out of his thoughts of the last few weeks, and into the present, mid May in Virginia. He imagined where they were as the rest of the car slowly woke. They had already passed by the Blue Ridge Mountains and into some of the most beautiful farm land in the whole country in his opinion.

He still had one uncle who lived in the Richmond area where he grew up, Thomas McBride and his wife and kids. He had been a sharecropper just like his folks, but had decided to stay. His uncle was too old to fight, but he tried to remedy the fact by taking a job at Tredegar Iron works to support the war effort, according to the letters from his ma. Johnny had the fleeting thought of how proud he would be if his uncle, aunt and cousins saw him riding into Richmond at the end of the war, victorious. There would be a parade that he could truly write home about. Throngs of people cheering, women crying for joy, petals thrown into the streets to welcome the heroes home. It would be beautiful. The closest to heaven he'd see here on earth.

"Johnny, you awake?" Kid asked quietly as he stretched.

"Huh? Oh yeah, just thinking. We're almost home now, Kid, I'd bet my last dollar on it, and not a moment too soon. I need to stretch my legs and get a real meal. There's a reason these cars were made for cattle and not for men."

Kid grunted in agreement.

"We smell like cattle too." He made a face and shifted away from the man on the other side of him who smelled like he had never bathed in his life. Johnny tried semi successfully to cover up a laugh. The man on the other side of Kid looked grumpy enough to take exception but any potential conflict was interrupted by the sound of the train whistle and the squeal of the brakes. The murmuring in the car grew louder as all the train came to a grinding halt. The soldiers shakily stood to their feet, seconds later the door slid open with a thud.

"Welcome to Virginia, boys from Tennessee, everyone out!" The stationmaster shouted as he poked his head in briefly and then moved on to the next car. No one needed to be told twice. After a few minutes of shoving and jostling Kid and Johnny stood on the station platform, blinking in the bright morning sunshine and taking in the fresh air. Johnny let out a whoop and clapped Kid on the back, who was smiling in spite of himself.

"Drink it in Kid, look around you, I recognize the country already. We're just outside of Richmond. I feel like kissing the ground! We're home, damn it!"

Kid turned and watched the scene around him. Soldiers in grey were everywhere, supply wagons loading up on freight, people who lived in town going about their business, children scampering by without shoes, kicking up dust. Beyond the signs of civilization he looked out further to the rolling hills and trees, freshly green, sparkling with the morning dew. He knew this land, and the land knew him. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to feel, the breeze across his face, the sun warm against his skin. The warmth sunk deeper, feeding a spark he thought almost extinguished. He turned back to Johnny and smiled the first smile he had meant in weeks.

"Thank you."

Johnny looked at him, puzzled.

"For what?"

"You know what... for everything. If it weren't for you, and probably that rain barrel, I'd most likely still be in Corith or worse. Standing here on Virginia's soil don't change what's happened, but..." Kid sighed and shook his head as he tried to find the words, "it helps."

Kid looked up at his friend's beaming face.

"Welcome home, Johnny."

Johnny put his arm around Kid's shoulder,

"Ah hell, Kid, this is your home too... and if it isn't good to be back. Com'on, let's go get our horses. See how they've been faring all cooped up."

After retrieving their horses, it didn't take long for Kid and Johnny to notice all the commotion around them to be more than the usual bustle of the city. The sense of fear, almost panic was palpable in the air. Wagons passed by carrying women and children and all their possessions south. Kid fingered their orders from Forrest in his coat pocket.

"Johnny, something ain't right. We need to find someone who knows what's going on, so we can find Stuart and report."

Johnny looked around him. The rest of the Tennessee infantrymen they had travelled with were already marching north to join General Stonewall Jackson.

"Well, the quartermaster over there who helped us with our horses, he may know. He's been looking funny at us anyways, might as well ask."

They made their way over to the weather beaten man counting the new Tennessee Walking horses brought on the train. He glanced up at them from his ledger book.

"You boys lost? The rest of the boys from Tennessee have already moved out. Off with you now, fore you get reprimanded."

"We're not with the infantry. We're cavalry. We have orders to report to General Stuart." Kid explained.

"Is that so? Why don't you show me these fancy orders of yours, maybe I'll be able to help you out." the quartermaster said as he arched his eyebrow. Johnny shook his head.  
>"They're sealed. General Forrest said to take them straight to General Stuart."<p>

The older man regarded both of them with narrowed eyes. Finally he shrugged.

"You know who you need to find is Captain Farley. He's one of Stuart's men. I saw him not too long ago. Most of the cavalry is on the south bank of the Chickahominy, on the north side of town, watching for the Yankee invasion," he saw their looks of surprise and sighed, "you have no idea what's going on round here, do you?"

Johnny frowned, his earlier cheerfulness rapidly fading.

"No, we've been on and off that train for weeks, ain't had time for a newspaper, why don't you fill us in."

The quartermaster held up his hand,

"Well it war boys, all round us. General Jackson's been fighting to the west of us, all up and down the Shenandoah and General Stuart's been holding McClellan at bay down on the Peninsula. Damn Yanks have been sailing up the James, trying to get to Richmond that way. We beat them but good though, shelled their boats from the bluffs. That only happened last week."

Kid turned pale at the mention of the Peninsula and the James river. Johnny noticed and asked under his breath,

"Ain't that where..."

Kid nodded quickly.

"Yeah, just east of Charles City and right on the river. I've come too late Johnny, to defend her. Who knows what's happened to the place now."

The quartermaster gave Kid a look of understanding.

"No ones homes are safe right now, boy."

"Just tell us how to find this Farley." Kid growled. His feelings of frustration and helplessness were growing by the minute.

The quartermaster's eyes widened as he looked over their shoulders, he gave them a half smile.

"Why don't you look behind you?"

Kid and Johnny turned at nearly the same time to meet the blue eyes of a man who looked about a half dozen years older than themselves. He was a little shorter than Kid, lean, with long hair. He tilted his head at them curiously, then looked past them to the quarter master.

"Micah, I thought I'd get another look at the new horses, my own's been worn most sorely as of late... and who are these two?"

"Well, Will, I don't rightly know, haven't gotten that far yet. Say they have orders from General Forrest to report to Stuart, I was fixin on sending em to you."

"Is that so? Your names, soldiers."

Kid looked to to the man in front of them, and felt a bit of unease. The man seemed pleasant enough, but he sensed more, just under the surface, a sharp alertness, like a hawk.

"I'm Sergeant Kid Harris and this is Sergeant Johnny McBride. We've been transferred under General Forrest's orders to General Stuart's cavalry. We only just arrived. I have the papers right here." Kid said as he pulled out the sealed envelope from his pocket.

"Welcome to the eastern front, soldiers. I believe a salute is customary when meeting your senior officer. I'm Captain Will Farley."

Kid and Johnny quickly saluted. The quartermaster saw things were well enough in hand, and gave a short salute of his own.

"I'll be over seeing to the new crop of horses, should you want to pick one out, Will."

Captain Farley nodded and turned his attention back to Kid and Johnny. He glanced over at their horses, and patted Johnny's brown mare on the flank.

"Fine horses from Tennessee. Once we get to camp, you'll need to see to their care, but first, let me see these orders."

It was not a question. Johnny gave Kid and uncertain look, but nodded his agreement. Kid handed over the envelope with some reluctance.

"General Forrest told us to give these to General Stuart personally."

Captain Farley shrugged off the information as he broke the seal.

"I'm one of his main scouts. If you can't trust your eyes and ears, who can you trust? I'll vouch for the seal."

They watched him read the words, his eyes moving rapidly. His eyes narrowed at first, then widened in surprise. He looked back up at them intently, as he folded the paper back up and placed it in his vest pocket.

"General Forrest's reputation is renowned. I have no cause to doubt the veracity of what he writes here. He is a man of his word, or he would not have parted with you. I don't suppose you have heard of the seige Corith has been under? It must have started shortly after you left. Forrest's men have had a time of it." He saw their faces cloud with concern, but waved his hand dismissively, "We are under a worse struggle here, you won't be missing any opportunities for future heroics."

Captain Farley couldn't help crack a smile.

"I've also heard about Pillow. Sent you out for his drink, did he? His head must be as soft as his name... Come, I'll take you to camp and to Stuart. He'll be very interested to meet you returning natives sons, yes, you could prove to be most useful."

Without another word, Farley turned on his heel and walked away quickly.

"I guess that's our cue to follow." Johnny said with a chuckle as he grabbed his knapsack and his horse's lead. Kid did the same. He stared at his new Captain's back with a frown.

"Guess so. Johnny, just what did Forrest put in those orders?"

"Don't know. One thing for sure, we're going to find out."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This update took forever, I know. Real life has been busier than I'd like. Research took a while too, but I know where I'm going now, and part two of Kid and Johnny's adventure in Virginia should be up much sooner. I know what happens and I'm excited to write it ;)**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing, as always. You guys are so encouraging and I appreciate it so much.**


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 31- May/June 1862

"That is a most extraordinary letter, boys... yes indeed," General JEB Stuart pronounced as he laid the orders down upon his desk. He stood up from his chair and walked around the desk until he was standing right in front of them.

Kid tried not to stare but he couldn't help it. He could smell the General's cologne, a scent Kid supposed was nice although he had no experience wearing the stuff himself. The General was also wearing an impressive gray cape, lined with a shiny red material. His uniform had brass buttons and a yellow sash, but what caught Kid's eye most was the long black ostrich plume attached to the General's hat that danced and swayed with every move of the man's head. As Stuart leaned back against his desk to size up his new soldiers, his light blue eyes seemed to take in everything about them. It was an open gaze, almost welcoming. Kid hoped that was true. Stuart hadn't said anything else to them yet, and the General's large beard obscured the usual facial clues Kid had grown used to observing over the years.

"Well, William, I believe the divine hand of providence guided you to meet our soldiers from the west. I am inclined to follow the advice of my esteemed colleague Forrest and put Sergeants..." He stopped, and gestured towards Kid and Johnny.

"Harris and McBride, Sir." Johnny said quickly.

"Of course, Harris and McBride... under your tutelage, William. In the coming days we're going to need men with your particular set of skills more than ever."

Out of the corner of his eye Kid could see Johnny's confusion matched his own. Captain Will Farley had been so quiet as Stuart had read the letter that Kid had almost forgot he was there. Farley stepped up out of the shadows now and made no effort to hide his annoyance.

"With _me_, Jeb? I agree those words are high praise, but they are not familiar with the ways of war here, much less the terrain, any error on their part could be deadly..."

"We're both from here," Johnny interrupted, somewhat indignantly, "I rode all over through these woods and hills as a boy and I know Sergeant Harris did too. Don't know what you two are referring to just yet, but if you have doubts in our abilities as soldiers or knowing the land, you're wasting your worry."

Johnny knew he was out of line, but couldn't seem to hold his words back, he glared at Farley before turning back to Stuart, who was now chuckling.

"You _have_ spent time with Forrest. That was the proof right there. He is known for speaking his mind, no matter who the audience," then Stuart grinned, "They will suit, William. They will suit."

"You know I prefer to ride alone, but if they are all that is written, well, we'll need them," Farley said, resigned.

"All is settled then. Gentleman, it has been a pleasure. If you'll excuse me, I need to complete my report to General Lee." Stuart said as he returned to his seat. Kid saw Farley motioning them both out of the tent, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Excuse me, General, but what did General Forrest write about us? We've been wondering for weeks what was in that envelope."

"Could it be you don't realize how your adventures have been perceived? I can see from your expressions that is the truth. Forrest wrote here quite plainly of your service to Pillow first, than to himself... he gives you, Sergeant Harris, credit for a Rebel Yell and both of you for finding an escape out of Fort Donelson. He also says you saved his life, protected the life of his son and brought vital correspondence to his wife that brought her great comfort. My own Flora, she worries for me powerfully. I would forever be in debt to any soul who eased her mind should I befall any sort of mishap on the field of battle. He says you are brave and true. That you fight in the style and in the spirit of the wild west, but have the heart of Virginians and that I would be a fool to not utilize you to your utmost... which is why William here, Captain Farley will be showing you the ropes of the finest cavalry unit in the east, as scouts. There is no more important job in my cavalry." Stuart said, smiling at their looks of surprise.

Kid recovered first.

"Well, "saving his life" is stretching the truth. Forrest had the Yanks near whupped before I showed up, but thank you Sir, for telling us."

"You won't regret it, giving us this chance." Johnny added quickly as they exited the tent.

"I'm sure I won't," Stuart assured, his pen and attention already to his paper.

Farley strode ahead several yards before coming to an abrupt stop. He crossed his arms in front of himself and looked at Kid and Johnny cooly.

"Stuart is more of a trusting sort. He has lofty ideals of chivalry being akin to the knights of old, a modern day embodiment of Sir Galahad," he saw their blank looks and sighed, "King Arthur? Knights of the Round?", he could see the taller soldier was still at a loss, "nevermind, you may be ignorant of literature, but I will need to see proof with my own two eyes that your ignorance does not extend to scouting for this cavalry. I've already been in a prisoner of war camp once because of another's mistake, so you'll forgive me if I'm not as trusting." Farley's jaw tightened as he ground out the last bit of information.

"I'll take you to camp and to where you can tend to the horses, but all other talk of scouting is going to have to wait. I can smell battle coming on the air, boys." Farley tossed over his shoulder as he walked ahead of them quickly.

Kid and Johnny exchanged looks, shrugged their shoulders and followed. After a few minutes, Johnny said under his breath,  
>"Kid was it just me, or did the General smell... <em>pretty<em>?"

* * *

><p>Whatever preconceived notions of what life as a soldier would be like once they reached Virginia was soon stripped away. War was war. It was ugly and frightening. It was boring and tension filled, no matter where the location. Kid and Johnny received a crash course as to what their duties now would be as Sergeants. They each had six fresh recruits to try and keep alive a piece, as well as a Corporal and another six soldiers. It was making Kid's head spin. There were so many new names. Names of his men, all the different commanding officers, and terms for fighting strategy and manuevers. In just a few days' time his brain felt more than full. The most important piece of knowledge he learned though, was just how many Yankees there were in such close proximity to Richmond. Kid heard whispered there were as many as one hundred thousand men. There was talk of official evacuation, but Farley told them General Lee insisted to President Davis that Richmond could not be given up. The line would be drawn there, where they stood, to defend her. Forty thousand of Yankee General McClellan's troops had advanced to the area just to the east of them, by Seven Pines. Captain Farley's declaration that battle was on the air, was no longer a prediction. It was imminent.<p>

Thunderstorms soaked them to the bone in the early hours of the last day of May. It was a deluge, flooding the lowlands around them, swelling the rivers and streams. The roads were a mess of mud. Commanding General Johnston decided to go forward with the offensive in the morning, anyways. Stuart's troopers attached themselves to General Longstreet. The mud and heavily wooded area made all of the horses useless. It would be another battle as infantry.

"There's lots of cover with these trees," Kid muttered to Johnny as they marched with their men and the rest of Longstreet's troops, "don't see why we don't pull the Yanks into the woods and then ambush them, 'stead of the rank and file lines they insist on here."

Kid was tired. The thunder and rain kept him up for most of the night. When he did sleep, his dreams were filled all the horror his eyes had already seen. Memories with Lou would not seem to leave his thoughts, waking or sleeping. There was enough warring within himself, that he was surprised his feet continued their march forward towards the deadly uncertainty he knew was before him.

"Been thinking the same thing. They fight more proper out here in the east. They talk bout West Point as if was some sort of sacred ground. Well, just cause men have been fighting in these lines for hundreds of years, don't make it smart. Not when you have cannons pointed right at you. Give me a tree for cover any day." Johnny agreed, wishing not for the last time that the earth was dry. The mud near sucked his boots off his feet with every step he took.

"It'd have to be an awfully big tree." Kid couldn't help ribbing his friend.

"Better to be a mighty oak, than a little sapling." Johnny deadpanned.

Kid's rejoinder was lost mid thought.

"Look lively men! The enemy is upon us. Double time! Remember, you are the army of the Living God! Be strong and of good courage, men!" Stuart said as he rode as close to his men as the mud would allow.

The following seconds brought the boom of Yankee artillery and the rain of musket fire. Kid wondered if God truly did care about the lives of men, if it would matter which color uniform that man wore. It was his last contemplative thought for a while.

Kid and Johnny fought as a team, like they always had. Their men were now along for the ride, and followed their fearless example. The lines soon dissolved. It was hand to hand, chaos of reloading, firing, acquiring new weapons from the fallen. Revolver fire, carbines, the occasional musket if it fell into their hands. A sabre slash, a punch when needed. Pushing forward into swamps, falling back into the trees. The deafening noise of war; not just in their immediate area, but for miles all around them. For hours on end until there was not enough light to see the enemy. Stuart's men huddled together. Kid and Johnny's men said little. Kid recognized their shell shocked state well enough and left them alone except for a few words of encouragement about finished the job and getting the Yankees to high tail it out of there in the morning. The words sounded hollow to his own ears, but he supposed that was the best he had to offer them. It was more faith than he had personally.

The next day brought more of the same, including word that commanding General Johnston had been seriously wounded the night before. Soon it was learned that General Robert E Lee was to take his place, and be in charge of the entire Confederate army. Fighting finally stopped at midday as the Confederates withdrew. The Union did not pursue. It had been as deadly a battle as Shiloh. The largest number of casualties the east had seen thus far, and there seemed to be no stomach for any more, on either side.

* * *

><p>It was a few days later after Stuart's men settled back along the banks of the Chickahominy that Kid and Johnny had their next chance to breathe, once again grateful that neither themselves or their men had suffered any serious wounds. One of Johnny's privates, Timothy, had a bullet zing so close to his face that it took the tip of his ear, but that was the most serious extent of their injuries. They had been very lucky, and that was enough to make Kid uneasy about what the next battle would bring. Johnny and the rest of the men were using the rare down time to write letters to home. Kid knew Johnny was writing Moira from the look on his face as he wrote furiously. That paper he held would someday be in her hands. Kid had to look away as he saw Johnny finish, stare at her name, and press the paper to his lips before putting it in the envelope. With a heavy sigh, Kid took out a sheet of his own and asked to borrow Johnny's pen. Johnny looked somewhat surprised, but hid that emotion quickly as he handed off the writing utensil.<p>

"_Dear Lou..." _ He wrote hesitantly, then stared at the two words for a long time. Dear Lou what? Sorry that he left her pregnant? That he left at all? That all he wanted was to go back to the day he read his aunt's letter about his grandfather and rip it to shreds... that someday, maybe someday he'd like to see her again, hold her. Smell her scent. Tell her that after he came back from his Express runs, he never truly felt home until he saw her. Just the sight of her brought him peace, joy. Kid's chest tightened as he let his feelings for her surge through him, almost causing him to choke. He looked at the words again, "_Dear Lou..."_ and then crumpled the paper up and kicked it aside. He had no right to say a single one of those words. If Frank James could be believed, and that was a big _if, _Buck was the one offering her comfort, helping her move on. Once he got past a feeling of jealousy so strong it was almost hateful, he was able to see Buck's devotion as a friend to Lou. How Buck would do whatever it took to help someone he considered family. Whether Buck's devotion to Lou extended further, Kid did not want to contemplate. It was bad enough to know that he had lost any right to be in her life, possibly forever.

Before the all too familiar feelings of hopelessness set in, he pulled out a new sheet of paper. He could find it in himself to write Teaspoon. To ask for details, about everything, but especially about Angel and Lou. Kid wrote hastily. Then he threw in the barest details of his current whereabouts.

"_I am alive, unwounded, I am healthy. It is more than most folks can say, and so I don't take it for granted. We're outside of Richmond. Never have I been so close to my grandfather's plantation and yet so far. The Yankees have been through that area. I do not know the damage. I'm not sure how I can help defend her, but I'm going to work on figuring that out."_

Kid signed his name and addressed the envelope. He looked up and saw Johnny watching him from under his cap.

"Teaspoon? I wondered when you'd get around to writing him. Here, hand it over. I'll take it to the postmaster." Johnny said as he sprung to his feet and took the letter from Kid's hands.

"How'd you...?" Kid trailed off.

"Please Kid, I know you, bout like I know myself. Be back in two shakes."

* * *

><p>Johnny was true to his word and came back not too long afterward. Kid and Johnny sat together against a tree as they ate lunch rations, discussing their relatives that lived close. Johnny had a better chance of seeing his uncle and family, as they lived just outside Richmond. He was trying to devise a plan to go see them if they were ever allowed to leave camp for more than an hour. Kid was a little quieter on the subject. The plantation was farther away. It would take several hours to ride out to it, and that sort of freedom of movement didn't look to be coming anytime soon. The camp buzzed with the rumor General Lee would recall Stonewall Jackson's army back to Richmond. That could only mean one thing, in this moment of calm, they were in the eye of the storm. The stand against the Yankees just outside the line of their pickets would continue.<p>

Kid wondered not for the first time if this war would take him before he'd ever set foot on the soil of his ancestors again. As quickly as the thought came, it was shoved away. It was bad enough to understand that he had failed Lou, but if he failed his grandfather as well, all his pain would have no purpose, and that was more terrifying than any battle. Kid was saved from his thoughts by Captain Farley and another man walking purposefully towards them.

"Almost looks like they could be brothers, don't it?" Johnny commented quietly.

Kid murmured in agreement, even though it was obvious they were not. The man with Farley was skinny, and several inches shorter than Kid. He looked pale too, with pale blue eyes and pale blond hair. Farley was taller, darker and had softer features. No, they were not related, but the sense of brotherhood was there all the same. Their narrowed eyes darted quickly, their movements were sinewy and catlike. They were men made for war, Kid decided as they stopped in front of them.

"Here they are, Mosby, Harris is on the left and McBride, well, he's the Irish one. No mistaking him." Farley said with a half smile as he gestured to the two now jumping to their feet to salute.

"And you think these two will do well for our errand tonight then?" The man only known to them now as Mosby asked. Farley raised his eyebrow and gave Kid and Johnny a smirk.

"I've told you how high Forrest regards them, but I had to see them in action myself. Yes, I can see you two are surprised. One does have a chance to observe as well as fight. It is a rarity to find men with your skill and bravery. More importantly you kept your rag tag group of new recruits alive in our last battle, displaying your leadership abilities. To serve our current purpose, Mosby here will be trusting that the years of living out west has not dulled your recollection of the terrain as much as it has your speech."

"We'd be able to tell you if we'd be of help to you, if we knew what you were talking about." Kid said bluntly.

"Where are our manners, Farley? I'm Lt John Mosby of Powatan County, west of here. I'm a newcomer to General Stuart's cavalry, but I was told that Farley had skills akin to mine, to see and not be seen, and to do so fearlessly. Stuart has asked me to assemble a team of such men to do some... seeing. I've found Farley and it appears I have also found you two gentlemen. If I may ask, how old are you?"

Johnny answered first,

"I'll be nineteen in the fall, Sir."

Then Kid,

"I'm twenty, Sir."

"When did you turn twenty?" Johnny asked incredulously.

"Last month, one of those days in the box car."

"And you didn't think to mention it?"

"I sort of forgot it at the time." Kid said quickly, noticing the two older men's amusement at their conversation.

"Ah, right. Boxcar. Not much to celebrate in there."

Mosby let out a chuckle,

"You may be young, but you have been seasoned by this war, I see. Truth be told I have never had to suffer the indignity of troop transport via boxcar... yes, we may have found the men for the job. Please if you can leave your men in the hands of another sergeant for the night and walk with us, we will dispense with this cryptic talk and explain our plan."

* * *

><p>Hours later the four men moved silently through the woods on horseback. They had already been riding for miles, the lights from Richmond could no longer been seen behind them. There had been easy conversation between the men for the first hour or so, Kid felt more at ease with Mosby and Farley than he had before. They were older and educated besides, but in their current situation the "ground" was even and the similarities that Farley had seen at the outset, were more apparent. To be a good soldier took instinct, to scout, even more so. No word had been spoken to hush their talk, but they all knew, they could feel they were close to the enemy even before the distant sounds of the Union camp reached their ears. Johnny halted his horse, and waited for the other riders to turn to see the reason before motioning them over.<p>

"Why'd you stop?" Kid asked once they were tight together.

"There's a trail just down this hill, it leads to the Totopotomoy Creek. From the sounds of things, the Yanks are camped down there. It has tree coverage the whole way down. We can get close and they won't see us." Johnny said quietly, he turned his horses' lead towards the path and looked at Farley expectantly.

"You know this for certain?" Farley asked.

"The farm I grew up on is not far from here. I fished that creek as a boy. Even in the darkness, I know it." Johnny said matter of factly. Farley exchanged a look with Mosby, who gave him a slight nod of his head.

"Lead on then. Guns at the ready."

The horses weaved their silent path down the hill. Soon they were upon their enemy, motionless behind the trees. Mosby gestured to the creek, and to the pickets of the camp and Farley took note of the number of troops wordlessly, then after several eternal minutes motioned to head back the way they came. One of their horses neighed as they turned, and they froze. One Union soldier glanced to the woods and squinted, but then turned away after seeing nothing. They moved out as quickly as they could after that. The Union camp was miles away before anyone spoke again.

"Telling, very telling indeed. I believe Jeb will be able to take what we saw and put it to good use." Farley finally said in satisfaction.

"What was telling, exactly?" Johnny asked, growing more tired of receiving snippets of information only and never the full picture.

"I have my thoughts on what we saw, I'm curious as to what you perceived." Farley said, motioning to both Kid and Johnny. Kid hesitated, but then answered for the both of them.

"They haven't built any fortifications. If that is the flank of the army, they're vulnerable. Round here, there's a railroad line. We attack them here, we could cut off their supplies..." Kid trailed off, wondering if he had overstepped, but was rewarded for giving his opinion with a slap on the back by Mosby.

"What you've just described may be the biggest break our army has had in quite some time, but more importantly I think General Stuart and General Lee will agree with me... and if I know either of those men at all, our cavalry will soon be on quite an adventure."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Heavens to Murgatroyd, this took forever. Blood, sweat and tears, even! When I start a Kid section, I always think I'll be able to get through the plot development in one chapter. Yeah. Three chapters later! The research takes a long time. Stuart, Mosby and Farley are all real people. The names of the rivers and creeks are all correct, same with the events of the battle of Seven Pines and this particular scouting mission here at the end. There is more, oh yes! There is more. I have it mostly written, just one last crazy and crucial scene to write and the final part of this Kid trilogy section will be completed. I know I have Jimmy and Sparrow waiting in the wings to be absolutely adorable ;) and Rock Creek! with Buck and Lou on the cusp of... something! and yes, another Kid chapter before all that can happen. What can I say? My Muse LOVES Kid and his journey towards redemption. She likes the turmoiled waters lurking under his quiet and calm surface... but Rock Creek! I pout... she doesn't care. **

**So thank you so much for sticking with me and reading and reviewing and how encouraging you all are. It means so much. Summer, for all its long days of sunshine and play, is killing my writing time! I will endeavour to write more, faster :)**


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 32- June 1862

In a few days time Kid and Johnny learned just how right Mosby was. Kid watched in disbelief as twelve hundred cavalry troops moved out of the Richmond area the morning of June 12th. It was more men on horseback than he had ever seen in his life. They all had three days rations and most of the men had no idea where they were going, some thought they were headed west to support General Jackson in the Shenandoah. It was a good guess but not correct. Kid had to smile in spite of himself, after eight months of being a soldier he was finally in the know. They were to ride out as close to the Union army as they dared and gain as much intelligence as they could for future operations. That is what General Lee's orders had said, Kid had seen them with his own eyes, but in a meeting with General Stuart and his primary scouts, which now included himself and Johnny as well as Farley and Mosby, the idea had been put forward; what if they were able to ride around the entire Union army? It was an audacious idea, put forth by Mosby first, but then embraced by the rest of them. Johnny had blurted out that the Yankee forces never seemed to bother to shut doors behind them or leave as many guards as you'd expect. He gleefully recounted their scouting expedition and escape out of Fort Donalson as evidence. Stuart had laughed heartily over Johnny's retelling and was rewarded with Johnny's unreserved admiration and loyalty. Kid had more reservations, but he felt them fading as he held his horse next to Johnny, Farley and Mosby. General Stuart was a good man and now that he knew them better, so were Farley and Mosby. Kid had felt for a while now that the only idealist left in the Confederate army was Johnny, but now that he met Stuart, he knew there were at least two.

It was a grueling expedition covering a large area, first riding north of Richmond, then travelling east, until circling around to the west along the James River. By the third day Kid and every other man and horse was completely exhausted. They had done things that under any other circumstance would be criminal. They had burned bridges behind them, cut down telegraph poles, pulled rails from the tracks, taken prisoners after a one skirmish with a small Union outpost, and raided a park of sutler's wagons. They carried off whatever they could find; food, clothes, shoes, guns, even whiskey and cigars before torching the wagons to the ground. They knew the Union pursuit was never far behind and so they pushed forward through the swamps and unbearable heat, always one step ahead. As they drew near to Charles City, Kid's heart started to race. He would not have dared hope his duties as a soldier would bring him close to it, but here they were, a stone's throw from the Harris plantation. Johnny noticed Kid's agitation first, but eventually Mosby and Farley did too.

"Harris, what is it? Do you sense some danger? You keep looking to the road ahead like you were expecting the whole Union army to leap out of the woods." Mosby asked.

Kid sighed and shook his head.

"No, it's just, the Harris plantation is up ahead. My grandfather's plantation. The whole reason I signed up for this war was to defend her, but I haven't actually set foot on those grounds in years."

"And you'd like to go home, is that it? Farley," Mosby said as he motioned the other scout over, "we are to make camp in Charles City before we move on to Richmond?"

Farley frowned in thought,

"No, I believe we are to push on. However, we are so far ahead, and the Yankee presence appears to be behind us. We are back on friendly soil. If you were to ride on ahead, Harris and make your visit brief, there will be none the wiser."

Kid stared at Farley, then to Mosby for confirmation, who nodded his consent. A grin broke wide across his face.

"I'll be back before you even ride into Charles City, mark my words." Kid said as an oath before setting in to gallop ahead.

Johnny held up his hand,

"Hold up there, Kid. You can't think to ride off by yourself, not after making me hear about this place for hours on end... fellas, he'll need someone to watch his back, right?"

"I didn't want to assume nothing." Kid explained as he glanced at Mosby and Farley again.

"Go, go... you're wasting time." Farley said with an eye roll as he waved them on.

* * *

><p>Kid and Johnny didn't need to be told twice. They rode off as fast as their already weary animals would take them. Several miles down, the road took a turn away from the James River and became less wooded. Fields of young tobacco plants spread out before them, acre upon acre, then a turn off to their left. Kid couldn't help but shiver, the last time he saw this road, he was walking away from it, three gold coins in his pocket and a sack lunch. It had been almost four years, exactly. His eyes spread wide as he tried to take in everything, looking for the slightest change. At first there seemed to be none. The tree lined road was just as an impressive canopy as it had always been. But the outlining buildings seemed worse for wear, and as he grew closer to the main house, he could see signs of disrepair. The war had reached this place as well. Kid heard Johnny's intake of breath.<p>

"It's all you said it would be, and more... Kid, how could you have ever left this place?" Johnny said in wonder.

"If I had spent all my days here, maybe I wouldn't have, but this was my mother's home growing up, not mine. My home, and those memories, they were worth leaving. This place though... all my good memories of my family, are here." Kid said quietly.

They dismounted right in front of the main house. Kid's hands felt clammy as he looked around for signs of life. He didn't see any at first, he heard them. Slaves in the fields some distance away. Memories of his dream flashed behind his eyes as he blinked, struck by a feeling of momentary panic. For the briefest second he looked down to his hands, they were tan and yet "white" still. Of course they would be, it was a nightmare only. Still the memory and all it represented soured the homecoming he had struggled so hard for. Kid saw Johnny frowning at him.

"It's nothing, it's just so... strange to be here. It almost don't feel real."

"Well, it ain't going to feel any more real just standing here on the threshold. Your aunt, she knows you're in Virginia, right? Maybe she won't swoon at the sight of you walking through her front door." Johnny said as looked around for a place to rest his horse.

"I did write her, as soon as we got settled in to Stuart's camp. Hopefully she got the letter before now... We can tie our horses up here and take them to the stables for food and water once we say hello to my aunt." Kid said as he lead his horse to the hitching post.

Johnny followed him as he started to climb the steps to the main house. The pillars in front needed paint and the stairs had some cracks in them, but there was no mistaking it was a grand house. The craftsmanship was evident everywhere he looked. Kid put his hand to the door and knocked loudly. The sound echoed to the high ceilings of the veranda and beyond. A breeze blew from the direction of the gardens, the sweet smell of the flowers reached him and he inhaled deeply. His mother. His mother loved those gardens and the scent was her reaching out to him as much as everything else was. He guessed the pretty pink ones were her favorites, but he didn't know their name. She would have been able to tell him. The sound of footsteps coming closer from the inside stilled the tears forming in his eyes.

"Look alive, Sergeant Harris," Johnny said under his breath with a smile just before the door creaked open.

A tall, broad shouldered black man stood before him, perhaps a little younger than Teaspoon. He regarded them both with suspicion.

"Yanks took most everything we got. Don't got no more for yous folk." The man said gruffly.

"They were here then? Was afraid of that... but being on the river, like this place is... No, we don't want anything. I'm here to see Mrs. Elizabeth Harris. You can tell her The Kid is here, or Chester, if she don't remember I was called that," Kid said as he took off his hat and held it tightly.

"I'll tell the Missus. We see what she say."

The man's look told them not to move an inch until he got back and so they both stood rooted to their spots. Kid watched the man's retreating form, thinking he looked familiar, and out of place in the main house. He didn't look like a house slave and wasn't dressed like one either, more for working in the fields. Kid's sense of nervousness increased as they waited.

"Chester?" Johnny whispered, "I honestly thought your Christian name was Kid. Thought your parents a bit touched for calling you that, actually. Why don't you go by Chester?"

"Tell you more bout that later." Kid whispered back, ignoring Johnny's indignant expression. He could hear footsteps upstairs, then the man walking down the stairs, followed by his aunt.

"I declare, my dear nephew... at last you have reached us! Let me take a look at you now." Elizabeth Harris said brightly as she trailed her hand down the curved bannister, seemingly floating as she descended.

"Hello, Ma'am, it has been a long time." was all Kid could think to say as she walked towards him.

She only distantly resembled Kid's own mother. Her hair was a dark brown, with streaks of silver, and her eyes a muddy brownish green. She was tall and thin and dressed in what must have been the highest fashion several years ago. She held her hand out to him and he had an impulse to bow and kiss her fingers, like she was royalty instead of his relative. He held her hand instead, but quickly dropped it once he realized how dirty he was in comparison.

"You've become a man, since I saw you last, you're certainly more whiskered," Aunt Elizabeth mused as she noted his short but full bead. Kid blushed,

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you more notice, I wasn't expecting my soldiering duties to take me so close and..." Kid began awkwardly.

"Nonsense. This is your home, you are a Harris after all, are you not? and who is your fellow soldier?"

"This is my friend, Sergeant Johnny McBride. We've been serving together ever since we met up in St. Joe's, Missouri. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him."

"Ma'am" Johnny said with a slight bow of his head.

"A pleasure," she said with a smile, "are your duties going to allow for a nice, long visit or will this be far too brief for my liking?"

"The second one. We're with General Stuart's cavalry as scouts. We'll have to rejoin the rest of the troopers soon, and then on to Richmond," Kid said.

"Yes, I have heard whispers of his daring ride, and how exciting that you are in the thick of the action. Well, we must not waste time. Abram?" She called behind her to the large black slave, silently waiting at a distance, "see to their horses. Make sure they get fresh oats now and are watered, and hurry. Inform Malcolm it is on my wishes, if he asks." She said, her eyes never turning from Johnny and Kid.

"Yes'm" Abram said as he quickly left the house.

Kid felt his stomach twist at the sight of Abram averting his eyes as Kid watched him leave. Noah never dropped his gaze for any man, Kid thought, but held himself proudly, almost daring others to think him less of a man. Kid tried to imagine Noah standing in the parlor with him and what he might say. None of it would be good, that much he knew. The knot in his stomach grew tighter.

"Tea? We have much to discuss." She asked, already heading for the drawing room, "I had some made up not a half hour ago."

Once they were situated in the overstuffed chairs, Aunt Elizabeth started to talk, seemingly mindful of their time constraints.

"Before I go into the details of our travails since this war of Northern agression, I must ask, you have not mentioned your brother, Jed, in your letters, am I to assume he has gone the way of a Lloyd? It is a pity, truly. He was most charming as a child, but then your father was the king of all charmers and what a sad state of affairs, that was. You, my dear Kid, may not have the charm but you do carry the face and the traits of a Harris, and I don't mind telling you that you were the favorite of my nephews."

Kid blinked for a moment and cleared his throat. Johnny's mouth was open with surprise at her bluntness, he knew the story of Jed, it was not a happy one.

"Well, Aunt Elizabeth, you may be right. He's dead. Bout two years now. We met up again shortly before he died, he was trying to support the Southern cause by stealing gold shipments. He was caught and killed trying to run from the law." He felt no need to elaborate further, about how had begged his brother to not go through with the plan that ultimately cost him his life.

Aunt Elizabeth closed her eyes and sighed, then smiled.

"A noble death then. The cost to keep our freedom and this way of life grow higher by the day, and the risks we must take, greater still. I have not told you the cost that we have paid here, yet," she paused and pressed her lips together into a thin line, "my boy, your cousin Daniel was recently taken captive by the Yankees at the Battle of Winchester. I have only recently received word that he was declared missing in action. Which of course means he is now their prisoner, isn't that so? Mustn't be thinking the worst for Daniel. He is a prisoner somewhere and giving those Yankees a time of it even now."

Kid suddenly felt uneasy as he watched the emotions play across his aunt's face. Despair was quickly masked by an optimism that seemed almost unnatural.

"Daniel wouldn't make it easy for them, that's for sure. I'm sorry for the news though. It must worry you."

"Only when I let it, there is so much to do round here. There is no time to think overly much, enjoying your tea?" She glanced over her teacup at Kid and Johnny, who nodded their heads in agreement, "good. The tea is part of our supplies the Yankees did not find. I was as sweet as cream to them of course, and allowed them to take what they wanted of provisions I left in plain sight, but they only got what I wanted them to find. You're grandfather was a very clever man and planned ahead, I will have to show you sometime." She said with a wink.

Johnny shifted in his chair,

"Kid, we should probably go get our horses. The troops weren't that far behind us," he said quietly.

"Yeah, you're right. Aunt Elizabeth, I hate to just come in here, drink some tea and leave, but we have to go. I'll write and visit, as soon as I can. It's been really good seeing you again... and this place, well, it's the closest thing I have to a home." Kid said as he stood up and straightened his coat.

Johnny joined him and Aunt Elizabeth stood and walked them through the drawing room to the entrance. She was about to usher them out the door when she stopped.

"Kid this is your home, truly. Your grandfather made some arrangements in his will for you and Daniel to have a partnership running the plantation. When Daniel comes home after this godforsaken war, the three of us will discuss his wishes in full."

Kid was so surprised, he didn't know what to say.

"But, Daniel actually _is _a Harris, since you married one of the Harris cousins. This place should be all his." Kid took one look at his aunt's face and wondered if he should've kept his mouth shut. She frowned slightly and lowered her eyes to the ground.

"It isn't the usual way of things. Perhaps it is testament to the faith and affection your grandfather held for you. I know my late husband, your Uncle Albert, was quite fond of you as well, though you may not remember, you were quite small when he passed. This land will need you, nephew, as soon as you are able." She said somberly, allowing her hand to rest on his shoulder. She gave it a squeeze before pointing towards the stables.

"Abram should have your horses refreshed by now. Go with God, boys." She then turned and slipped passed the door, which closed with a thud.

"Kid, did she just say what I thought she said? You're a landowner! You know what that means, don't you? You're rich!" Johnny said in an excited whisper. Kid motioned Johnny to settle down.

"Don't know what to make of that yet. Even less sure what Daniel thinks of it, if he knows. He never was one to share. Com'on we gotta get out of here."

Kid took one look back at the house as they jogged down the steps. He could almost see his mother leaning against one of the pillars, watching over him as she had in the past. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat as they increased their pace to the stables.

* * *

><p>"Something's going on in there, listen," Johnny said just before they opened the stable door. They both stood motionless as they strained their ears to hear the voices inside.<p>

"Masser, please, leave her alone. She still a girl. They be others round here far more willing. Find them out."

"Out of my way, boy, Don't want any of them. Only her from the first day I got here and I mean to have her." A voice almost as deep as the first one growled. There was sounds of a scuffle, then the angry voice again, more muffled this time,

"Uppity little bitch, always hiding in the house from me, looking at me like you're better'n me. Your light skin don't mean nothing more than your momma had to submit. Just like you're going to."

Kid could hear a woman cry out in fear,

"No, don't hurt him, please!"

Then the sound of a fist hitting flesh. That was enough for him. He threw open the door with his gun drawn, Johnny right behind him.

"What is going on in here?" Kid demanded as his eyes adjusted to the low light.

He saw Abram in mid struggle with a white man who was holding a whip and looked ready to use it. Kid presumed it was Malcolm, the foreman his aunt mentioned earlier. They both froze. Malcolm shoved himself off of Abram and straightened up,

"Who the hell are you?" He asked as he took a few powerful strides towards Kid. He was a big man, on the early side of middle age, with a sharp, long nose and a strong jaw. He had black hair and beady blue eyes flashing with anger.

"I wouldn't take another step closer," Kid said calmly, "my friend and I out number and outgun you. Your odds ain't good... now tell me, what's going on."

"This ain't your concern. Just get out."

Kid took a look past Malcolm towards Abram, and then saw the woman for the first time since he walked into the barn. Peeking out from behind Abram's shoulder were the most startling pair of green eyes. Kid shot Johnny a look, who nodded as he kept his gun trained on Malcolm, then walked towards Abram and the woman. Kid's eyes widened in surprise as he moved to get a better look. This was the girl he saw as he walked down the road the day he left. She had grown into a real beauty, maybe only a few years younger than him, with curly light brown hair trying to escape her braids, freckles across the bridge of her nose and full lips that started to quiver as he drew closer. Abram put his hand out to move her behind him again, but she stood her ground as her wide eyes met his.

"I won't hurt you," Kid said softly as he lowered his gun.

"I know you won't," she answered.

Kid blinked with surprise, then allowed a small smile for her.

"What's your name?"

"Grace."

"Nice to meet you, I'm..."

"I know who you are," she said, as she took a small step towards him.

"Grace, stay behind me, child." Abram warned as his eyes flicked from one white man to the next.

"You still ain't answered my question, soldier boy." Malcolm said, voice increasing in volume.

"Ah Kid, can't I put a hole in him at least? He's awfully irritating." Johnny whined as continued to hold his gun in the man's face.

"They call me The Kid, but make no mistake, Malcolm... that is your name, isn't it? I ain't no boy. I'm a Harris and this here is my plantation. Everything round here is mine," Kid stepped so close to Malcolm they were almost nose to nose, "You know what that means? _She's_ mine. What's more I'll be back, probably when you least expect it, and if I've found out you've mistreated her in any way?" Kid paused for dramatic effect as he narrowed his eyes, "I'll kill you."

Malcolm laughed.

"You ain't nothing. Who's making things run round here while you boys fight your war? Elizabeth needs me. I'm not going anywhere and I'll do what I want, come here, girl," Malcolm's eyes flashed in defiance as he moved around Johnny towards her, just as a shrill whistle pierced the air from a distance.

"Kid, that's gotta be Farley. Com'on we gotta go before we're in real trouble." Johnny said urgently, lowering his gun.

Malcolm sneered and motioned to shoo Kid and Johnny out of the stable.

"Run along now, go play soldier," he said with contempt as he turned his attention back to Grace, lust obvious in his eyes.

Kid was out of time. He glanced at Johnny, now retrieving their horses, then at Abram still standing in protection, and to Grace, he could see the mix of fear and anger in her eyes, her stance.

"Ah hell, I don't have time to deal with you proper, so you don't really leave me much choice," Kid muttered two seconds before he reached back and punched Malcolm with a hard right. Malcolm never saw it coming, he was out cold before he hit the floor.

Johnny turned at the sound, saw Malcolm on the floor and laughed,

"That'll show him. Let's go," Johnny said as he threw Kid the lead to his horse.

"Thank you, Masser," Abram said quietly, as he wiped a trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth.

Kid stilled at the term. Master. He glanced back at Grace, who stood watching him. Her eyes held his, he could see tears threatening to spill down her cheeks and he had an urge to reach out to her, comfort her, somehow.

"Kid, now," Johnny said, already on his horse outside the doors. Kid suddenly sprung into action and mounted his horse in one quick motion. He took one last look at Malcolm lying on the floor, at Abram, then Grace, and rode out of the stables.

"There's one last thing I need to do," Kid said as he halted by the house.

"Oh for the love of all things Holy," Johnny said, exasperated.

"Aunt Elizabeth!" Kid yelled as loud as he could, towards the upper balcony of the house. She appeared moments later.

"Goodness, nephew, what is it?"

"Malcolm is no good. Get rid of him, before he causes trouble here," Kid saw her frown and continued, "we got into it in the stables. I had to knock him out. Sorry bout that, but trust me. He needs to go."

Elizabeth's face darkened,

"I will consider it."

Kid saw that she would offer no more, so he sighed and nodded again.

"Thank you again, for the tea. I'll see you soon."

Kid pulled his horse next to Johnny and said under his breath,

"Malcolm would have blamed Abram for it otherwise."

"Yes, yes... com'on," Johnny sighed as he kicked his horse into a gallop down the road.

* * *

><p>Farley and Mosby were waiting for them at the turn off.<p>

"What took you so long?" Farley hissed, "look who's right behind us."

"Ah, hell," Johnny breathed.

Coming up the road was General Stuart himself and a few other men riding on ahead of the rest of the troops. One man they recognized as Rooney Lee, one of General Lee's sons.

"It will be better if you tell him the truth, Harris, he is of good humor, usually," Mosby said under his breath as the General drew near.

"Why do you stop here, men. Is there some danger ahead?" Stuart asked as he rested his hands on the pommel of his saddle.

"I'm sorry sir, It's my fault. I wanted to stop here and delayed the others in the process." Kid said as he saluted and met the General's gaze squarely.

"Is that so? Why do you tarry here, when the mission is not yet finished?"

Kid could see Stuart was deciding to be patient. He swallowed.

"This is my family's plantation. I joined up and fought my way across half the country to defend her. I hadn't been home in bout four years, and we were going to pass by it anyway, so..."

"Ah yes, the temptation was too great, was it? and you saw family I suppose?" Stuart asked.

"Yes, Sir, my Aunt Elizabeth, she was home. It was good to see her again."

"And have you inherited this land?"

Kid looked at Stuart in surprise at the question and felt suddenly uncomfortable,

"Well, yes, Sir, partially. I just learned I share this land now with my cousin, who is also enlisted."

Stuart smiled broadly,

"You see this men? A prime example of why we fight this holy war. How long has this plantation been in your family, Harris?"

"Over two hundred years, Sir."

"Two hundred! From generation to generation. You are a true Southern gentleman, fighting for our cause, to keep our traditions, our very way of life, alive and protected from Washington and the North. We will win this war, men, for Sergeant Harris and landowners like him. May our hard won freedom protect this plantation and your livelihood for many more generations to come... lead on, scouts. We will not ask for supplies here. This plantation has already given us one of its finest assets in Sergeant Harris."

A few of the other men smiled at Stuart's speech, one called out "hear, hear" as they moved out. No one noticed Kid grow pale or the fleeting look of anguish on his face as the cold realization hit him. He now owned slaves.

* * *

><p>The city of Richmond was buzzing later on that afternoon as word passed from friend to neighbor that General Stuart and his troopers were to pass through the city street after accomplishing what seemed too audacious to be possible and yet it was true. The cavalry had circled around the entire Union army of more than 100,000 men, spied on their movements at every turn, stolen supplies, taken prisoners and never came close to being caught, despite numerous hardships. The information they gathered had the power to turn the tide of the whole war. They were heroes and should be greeted as such.<p>

Kid and Johnny were still close to the front of the troops. They heard the sound of cheering and music ahead. Johnny smiled widely, despite the heat of the midday sun and his general state of exhaustion. This was the moment he had been dreaming of since they day he heard Virginia seceded from the Union. He was coming home to Richmond like a conquering hero.

"Kid, I know it's a long shot, but do you think my family might be on those streets when we get into town? They know I'm with Stuart's cavalry. Maybe they'll come and see," Johnny said almost dreamily as he turned to look at Kid.

Johnny's smile fell a little,

"you look like you've been kicked in the teeth. You're not all that excited bout owning part of the plantation, are you?"

Kid glanced over at Johnny and winced. Johnny looked almost hurt that Kid wasn't enjoying this moment as much as he was.

"Sorry, Johnny. It's just, well... you know how I feel about slavery." Kid said quietly as he brought his horse closer to Johnny's.

"Sure, I know, but you'll figure something out. Some way to gradually start paying em, even." Johnny said encouragingly.

Kid only nodded. He said nothing else for so long, Johnny wondered if he'd moved on to thinking about something else.

"I left her there, Johnny, with someone hell bent on hurting her and I can't do nothing about it, cept hope my aunt takes my advice. I know I don't know that girl, well, at all... but that don't mean I'm not going to feel terrible about it, for a long time."

"It was a bad thing to walk in on, and you did the best you could, given the circumstances," Johnny was at a loss for anything else to say, so finally he just sighed.

"There's lots of problems in this world, can we solve them all tomorrow? After a hot bath and a real meal maybe? Slap a smile on your face, Kid, you're about to get a hero's welcome."

Johnny was not wrong. Men, women and children lined the streets. Drums and pipers played "Dixie" as they rode into town. Women threw flower petals into the street. A young woman put a garland of roses around Stuart's horse's neck. A loaf of bread was thrust into Kid's and many of the other troopers hands by grateful Richmond citizens. Johnny shook some petals out of his hair as he munched on his bread, then he gasped and pointed to the crowds.

"Kid, do you believe it, that's my uncle, right there. Uncle Thomas!" Johnny yelled.

A taller man, who looked to be an older and burlier version of Johnny saw his nephew and waved his arms enthusiastically as he yelled his greeting back.

"Like I've died and gone to heaven," Johnny laughed as he slapped Kid on the back.

Kid smiled back. This is all that Johnny had ever hoped for and he was happy for his friend, but as he stared out over the throngs of cheering people, the only face he saw was the green eyed girl's, her eyes brimming with tears.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So here it is, the last of three Kid chapters :) I wasn't planning on intro-ing the characters at the plantation, but wouldn't you know history had Kid walking right by the place. I like it this way, you will be seeing much more of these characters down the road, but I won't say much more about that. I will say, Kid will have a lot of inner turmoil, trying to "do the right thing". **

**Now, onto Jimmy and Sparrow and Rock Creek (haven't forgotten about Cody, either). Thank you for reading and for the reviews which always bring a smile to my face :)**


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 33- June 1862

Jimmy lay on the pelt covered bed in the cabin sicker than he had been in who knows how long and watched the door as he wheezed. Sparrow would be back soon. Probably with more foul smelling things to rub on his chest to help him breathe. The sticky, musky paste was not his favorite but he wanted her back home with him more than he wanted to avoid the goopy stuff. He told himself it was only because he was laid up that he was listening for every noise outside, hoping it was her, after she had been gone only an hour. He frowned over their reversal of roles and let out a grunt, which turned into a coughing fit. That she was having to care for him at all right now instead of riding by his side on their way back to Rock Creek was only because of his own stupidity. Sparrow had seen the trouble coming from a mile away of course, but he had been too busy trying to impress her to listen. With nothing else to do as he waited, Jimmy let his mind wander. That day had started out pleasant enough, before it all went to hell in a handbasket.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Things had been going real well in the last few weeks. Sparrow was nearly all healed up. Her walk was smooth and graceful. The only time she ever winced in pain about her cracked ribs was when he got her laughing so hard, her sides shook. It would only make him smile wider at the scowl she'd give him, like a warrior chief to a mischievous boy. He supposed there was some truth to that. Every day Jimmy learned more about who Sparrow was, her strength was not just returning to her body, but to her will as well. Lord, did she love to argue and challenge him. She was as sharp as a whip and never missed a thing. They'd get into some real fine debates through sign, a bit of broken English from her as she picked up a new word or two every day, and a Kiowa word thrown in here or there from Jimmy. She was far surpassing him in language acquisition and teased him a bit about how his Kiowa words sounded funny to her ears, but she would handsomely reward him for trying all the same.<p>

He smiled in spite of himself, at the thought of how she first rewarded him, after he had been sleeping by her side for a while. He had instinctively known she wasn't ready for much more than being held by him, and for the first time in his infamous history with the fairer sex, that satisfied him. She slept deep and soundly next to him. Sometimes she would sigh and cuddle in to him in the middle of the night. She had been through so much, and yet for some blessed reason she found comfort and peace in his arms, and in return he realized she was doing the same for him.

He came back from hunting rabbit for their lunch late one morning, and was greeted at the door by her smiling face. He unstrapped his gun belt and left his Colts on the table with the rabbit before he approached her side, he wanted to try out a new Kiowa word on her he asked her about the day before, as it applied to flowers.

**"**_Doke kiah_**"**, Jimmy said softly as he lifted his hand to touch her cheek.

She really was beautiful that morning. She was every morning, every day, but just then he was struck by the light from the window making her hair shimmer almost blue-black, and the warmth in her large brown eyes. Most alluring of all though was the smile playing on her lips, just for him.

******'**Me? I'm not a flower' She signed with a laugh.

******"**No you ain't, you're better than one. _Doke kiah_, Sparrow"

******"**_Hane may_, Jimmy" She answered just before she stepped close to him, put her arms around his neck and pulled him towards her in a kiss.

Her kiss was something else. There was no shyness with her, no hesitancy about being proper. There was only her honest emotion, her passion and it went straight through him like a knife.

******"**So you think I'm handsome too, do you?" He grinned as he raised an eyebrow at her once the kiss was over.

******'**Yes, handsome. For white man.' She raised her chin an inch, her eyes positively sparkled.

******"**Is that so?" Jimmy tried to looked offended, but couldn't keep the frown for long.

******'**Yes, it is so." Then she leaned up and kissed his cheek, as she grabbed a water pitcher.

She saw him about to playfully throw one of his gloves at her and let out a giggle as she quickly scooted out the door.

He had known right then as she walked off towards the creek that she was probably well enough to travel back to Rock Creek with him. He felt terrible that he no longer felt the same sense of urgency about going home that he had just a few weeks before, when he had left Emma's and saw her sorrow over Lou's news. By now, it had been months since Lou lost her baby and whether he liked it or not, she had already been dealing with her grief without him, leaning instead on the rest of the family, Buck especially, he supposed and maybe that was for the best.

A thought had occurred to him that bringing Sparrow into all that fresh grief after losing her own young children would probably be hard on her. Not that he thought Sparrow wouldn't be able to handle it, she would, but he also could sense that their time together in their little cabin away from the rest of the world was the happiest she had been in a long while. Her happiness mattered to him, it mattered a lot. More even than rushing across the plains like he was on one of his rides to get back to Lou, to offer whatever comfort he could as her big brother. The significance of what those thoughts could mean was not lost to him, but he pushed them back a ways. He had only known Sparrow a few weeks, and he wasn't like Cody, spouting off love words to ladies every chance he got.

Leaving their protected little world at some point was an inevitability, and so a few days after their first kiss, Jimmy asked if she was ready to travel. It had been such a happy morning and neither of them could have known how quickly that would change. She had only looked at him when he asked the question and frowned slightly,

'Where the wolf leads, Sparrow will follow.'

Her eyes dimmed a little at the mention of leaving and Jimmy quickly put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a little squeeze.

******"**This wolf wants to keep that smile on your face, than anything else," he signed, lightly kissing her lips.

She granted him her smile, placed her hands in his, and said in her halting english,

******"**I go to white world... with you. We go now."She had stepped away from him and looked around for her possessions. Jimmy chuckled.

******"**We don't have to go right this minute, how bout tomorrow morning? We don't have much to pack. We can get ready tonight. Why don't we just spend the day together, have some fun, first?"

******'**Fun? Doing what?' She signed, looking at him quizzically.

******"**Oh I'm sure we could think of something." He grinned, sure he looked the part of a wolf now.

******'**You will have to catch me first, sparrows fly', she signed as she nearly sang the words in Kiowa.

She was out the door of the cabin before Jimmy could even blink. After a half second of staring at the spot where she had been only a moment before, Jimmy shook his head and laughed as he ran out after her.

There had never been a finer afternoon that Jimmy could recollect than that one spent with Sparrow. They rode out to the river and ate their lunch on the banks. They found wild strawberries and took turns popping them in each other's mouths. They laid in the grass under the shade of the trees and watched the clouds roll by through the branches, and when Jimmy turned to look at her and saw her returning his gaze so intently, he leaned in and spent a good while kissing her, enjoying the feel of her skin against his, her fingers running through his hair. She only pulled away when his hands moved to undo her riding skirt, and with a deep breath to calm himself down, he sat up, pulling her up with him.

******"**Not ready for that yet, huh?" he signed with a half smile as he glanced at her, then back to the ground.

******'**No, I think, maybe you not ready,' she signed back, her eyes never wavering from his face.

******"**_I'm _not ready, look Sparrow, whatever I did to give you that impression, I'm sorry, but that ain't the case. I'm ready now, hell, I've been ready for a lot longer than it was proper. I've only been holding back, cause, well, you've been hurt and it wouldn't be right to rush you." Jimmy said, truly surprised.

******'**No. Your heart. Your heart must be ready. It is sacred to me,' she stopped there, trying to find the right signs, 'you and I... one.' She brought her hands together, and joined them, before looking up at him. She put one hand to her heart, while she rested the other one against his chest, against his heart. Jimmy reached up and covered her hand with his.

******"**My heart, huh... Sparrow, maybe my heart is more ready than you think.."

****Before he could say anything more, she stood up and motioned for him to do the same.

******'**We will talk more, later. I'm still hungry. Do you want fish?'The question caught him off guard, but he shrugged as he stood up,

******"**Sure, we don't have a fishing pole or nothing, though," he said as he tried to ignore how tempting her thoroughly kissed lips looked to him.

******'**I know different way,' she said before going over to her horse and pulling a knife out of her pack. then she looked around, 'need strong branch'. She spied one close by and let out a little yip of excitement.

******'**You can make sharp point?' she asked as she handed both the knife and the long, sturdy branch to him.

******"**It's been awhile since I did any whittling, but I think I can manage," Jimmy said as he sat down to make the end as sharp as he could for her. Before long he was done. She took it from his hands and smiled broadly,

'Now you see,'

She walked to the edge of the water and Jimmy followed behind,

"If you pull this off, I'll be real impressed. Heard people talk of spear fishing, but never seen it done myself," he said as he signed the basic words. Sparrow followed his hands, then sniffed.

'Stand still, be quiet,' she signed with one hand, her right hand already holding the spear at eye level and steady. Her eyes narrowed and she remained motionless, completely focused on the running waters sparkling before her. Suddenly she pulled her arm back and released the spear. Jimmy watched in amazement as her aim proved true.

"Well, I'll be," he murmured as he watched her joyfully run into the water and retrieve her spear, a decent sized fish impaled on the end.

"Where'd you learn how to do that?" he asked as she walked up to him.

'My father. He taught me when I was child. He was very good.'

Jimmy wanted to ask her more about her father, but there was something in her expression that held him back. She had never mentioned her father before, but he recognized the sadness and guessed her reasons for not speaking about him were similar to his own. He made a mental note to ask more about him some other time and held out his hand towards the spear.

******"**We'll never starve with you around. Mind if I try it?"

****She nodded, removed the fish and set it aside.

******'**Do how I do, hold arm steady.'

Jimmy got to the bank of the river and assumed the same stance. His first try missed by a mile, then the second one. His wasn't used to having bad aim at all and Sparrow doing her best not to giggle at him made him all the more determined he'd get a fish on his very next throw, one twice the size of hers. He finally saw the perfect one, a nice large trout swimming in the deeper waters in the middle of the river. It was almost too far and he didn't want to miss. He looked around for a solution and found one. A large fallen tree, just off to his right. He'd be able to walk out on it and get a much better shot. Sparrow followed his eye line and made a sound of protest as Jimmy jogged toward the tree. He was already over the roots and onto the trunk before she caught up with him.

**"**No, Jimmy," she said in English, he didn't miss the strained sound of her voice.

******"**Sparrow, honey, I've crossed many a river over a fallen log. Watch, your fish is going to have company here in a minute, _big _company."

He stopped near the center of the river and shifted his feet to find his balance. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He had the fish all lined up with the point of the spear, he glanced over at Sparrow back on the edge of the bank, her lip held between her teeth and her brow furrowed in concern. He gave her a slow smile and a wink before he reached back his arm and let the spear go. In the same second his boot slipped and gave way, sending him toppling backwards.

******"**Jimmy!"

****He heard Sparrow's panicked voice call out his name just before hitting the deep and fast moving waters of the river. He struggled to find the bottom with his feet, but couldn't. He bobbed to the surface and cursed the fact that he had never learned to properly swim. He choked out Sparrow's name and saw her briefly on the banks before she disappeared from his view. It was strange how time seemed to slow, even as he was swept farther downstream. He was scared, he fought for air and to reach the shore, but part of him remained calm. Somehow he knew Sparrow wouldn't let him drown.

She hadn't. She found a rope off his horse and threw it to him. He grabbed it, she wrapped the other end around a tree and he had been able to pull himself in with her help. He was coughing and sputtering and soaked to the bone but Sparrow threw her arms around him as soon as he reached her and spoke rapidly in Kiowa. Jimmy guessed what she said was a mixture of concern and curses, as she first looked at him with tears in her eyes, then about as angry as he had ever seen her. They had made it back to the cabin and quickly stripped him out of his wet clothes, but by the next morning the illness to his lungs had set in.

* * *

><p>Which led him where he was now, laid up, waiting for Sparrow to return. He had been sick for two days already and just wanted to stop feeling miserable, he was feverish and ached all over. Sitting up to eat broth was a chore, as was staying awake. Jimmy's eyelids grew heavy. He wanted to be awake when she came back and tell her he was feeling better, she'd been worrying too much over him. He decided to rest his eyes for just a few minutes. He listened past the silence in the cabin, to the birds chirping outside, maybe they were sparrows. It was his last conscious thought before sleep overtook him.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So there you have it, Jimmy's synopsis of events since we last left our heroes. I didn't edit you much, Jimmy, you should be proud. OF COURSE, this is only the first half of Jimmy and Sparrow's adventures. I had the whole thing written, but the second half got so long, I needed to split it in two. Jimmy preferred it this way anyway. 'Kid gets three chapters and I get only one? I don't think so!" is what he told me. **

**Jenna, my dear friend: These two chapters are for you. I don't know what I'd do without your encouragement, your feedback and companionship in the day to day highs and lows of writing... it's a roller coaster, but we're on the ride together!**

**I promise more happens in the next chapter... good things, and they make it home! (Like a silly cold could keep Jimmy down for long! Bonehead move though, the showboating... does that ever end well?)**

**Thank you for hanging in there with me, for your patience and your feedback. It is cherished! :)**


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 34

Sparrow walked through the door of the cabin, a sackful of fresh herbs and flowers clutched in her hands. She knew Jimmy was tired of the pastes on his chest and decided to make him a tea this time instead. Maybe the tea would help him breathe better. She glanced over to the bed and saw him curled up on his side, sleeping. She soundlessly walked over to him and crouched on the floor by his side. His chest rose and fell steadily as he breathed, he was still wheezing but the sound was not as bad as it had been the day before. Her hand grazed his forehead, his skin was hot to the touch and sweaty, but his color looked a little better, she tried to find some assurance in that. She moved a stray strand of hair away from his face and then sat back on her heels. He was going to live, she told herself not for the first time. The Great Spirit would not leave a vision incomplete. They still needed to travel to where Running Buck lived. Jimmy was her wolf, their fates were linked together, of this she had no doubt.

'_Please_,' she prayed, '_I cannot go through this again. I won't watch another...'_

She stopped her thought and closed her eyes tightly against the invading memory. She shivered even in the warmth of the summer day... it had been so cold when they got sick. Her little ones never had a chance.

* * *

><p>"<em>Sparrow... are they?" Fast Thunder gasped as he struggled to raise his head. Even though she had tried to quiet her sobs, the sound of her crying woke her husband from his fitful sleep. She could only nod as her tears continued to fall,<em>

"_They suffer no more, the Great Spirit granted them sleep and took the breath of Kicking Eagle, then Red Horse, " her voice shook as she looked over to the lifeless bodies of her young sons, cuddled next to each other in their tipi. Fast Thunder let out a strangled cry and reached his hand to grab hers._

"_My mourning will be brief, I will join them soon," he held her hand tightly. _

_Sparrow's eyes flew to his. She saw the truth of his words in his red rimmed and bloodshot eyes. He fought for every breath, his will was strong but his body too weak to fight much longer. Sparrow cried out the sound of mourning of her people and laid her head against his chest._

"_Then I will die with you," she sobbed._

"_You will not die, your time is not now," he tried to continue but he was seized with coughs so deep his entire body convulsed with their force. Sparrow motioned him to not speak but he shook his head._

"_These may be my last words on this earth to you, my wife... you are to live or you would have fallen sick like the rest of my people. Live... find your destiny. Carry myself and our sons in your spirit always. We live now through you." It was too difficult to speak anymore after that. Fast Thunder closed his eyes as he used what strength he had left to breathe. He opened his eyes one last time, mouthed the words, 'my wife', then closed them again. With one last shuddering breath, he was gone._

* * *

><p>Jimmy woke slowly as he struggled to open his eyes. He sensed her first before he saw her.<p>

"Sparrow? What's wrong, honey?" Jimmy asked as he blinked and brought her into focus.

"Sparrow?"

His mind cleared quickly as he took in the sight of the woman kneeling beside him. She was pale, her hands were balled into fists in her lap, but her expression, he almost felt like reaching for his guns just looking at her, something was terribly wrong. She was staring right at him, but at the same time, right past him, not seeing him at all. A trickle of tears ran unchecked down her face. She hadn't blinked or moved since he called her name.

"Sparrow?" he said quietly, unsure.

He reached for her and touched her cheek. She startled away from him as if she had been burned.

"_Ai-yah_," she wailed, her hands moved now as she continued lament in Kiowa.

'They were taken from me; Fast Thunder, Kicking Eagle, Red Horse... they walk the spirit world. The only one to speak their names now is Sparrow. I cut my hair. I made a funeral pyre. There were so few to mourn. So few lived through the White Man's sickness to remember the brave warrior Fast Thunder, fewer still who knew the smiles of my...sons.'

Her hands fell lifeless into her lap as she finally released her grief in full. Jimmy found strength in spite of his illness and moved to the edge of the bed. He crawled down to the floor next to her and held her in his arms. His vision blurred as he absorbed her pain. Sparrow finally looked up after she felt like she had no more tears left, seeing him really for the first time since he woke. She brushed her hand lightly against his face. He had cried for her.

'You must not die, Jimmy.'

"Wasn't planning on it any time soon. Too much to live for," he looked straight into her eyes when he said it, his meaning was clear. She dried her eyes with the back of her hand and returned the gaze, then nodded slowly.

'I did not tell you this, when I returned to the Kiowa, my name became '_Dark Sparrow_'. My grief was so strong. For months I ate and slept little. Red Bear told me to remarry and push the darkness away. I tried out of respect for him. I allowed Long Spear to court me,'

Jimmy frowned as he realized she had signed another man's name,

"What happened to this 'Long Spear'?"

Sparrow couldn't help but smile at his disgruntled expression,

'I may have married him, though it felt wrong to tie a man to a ghost woman, here in body only, longing for the spirit world... but then the Great Spirit gave me my vision with Running Buck and you. For the first time in eighteen moons there was light on my path. I knew I would find a reason to live.'

Sparrow put Jimmy's rough and calloused hand in her smaller ones and gave it a squeeze. Jimmy leaned forward to kiss her, he felt like his heart was going to burst right out of his chest, so strong were his feelings for her, but he started to cough instead.

"Sorry," he choked out.

Sparrow quickly got to her feet and brushed herself off, and shook her head to clear her sadness and the memories away from what she needed to do right then.

"Bed," she said in English. She offered him her arm. He tried to bat it away but she insisted on helping him return to his previous position.

"You don't need to fuss over me, I was meaning to tell you when you got home that I'm doing much better today, honest," he pleaded as he eyed the sack of herbs she was currently sifting through at the table.

'I will not make paste,' she assured.

"Oh good. Sorry, but that stuff smells like, well, something Sundance dropped."

She wrinkled her nose at him,

'I will make you tea.'

"Is it going to taste bad?"

"Yes," she answered, arching her eyebrow at him as he grumbled.

"Oh, hell, woman,"

Sparrow made a shushing sound, he suspected it was the sound used on small, disobedient children and that made him frown deeper.

* * *

><p>Soon the tea was finished brewing and Sparrow sat next to him to make sure he finished every drop. Jimmy forced the last gulp down his throat, then returned the mug to Sparrow's waiting hands.<p>

"There, you happy now?" he said, still trying to be grumpy, but felt the corners of his mouth twitching into a smile.

Sparrow looked at the mug in her hands then back to him. She thought about his question.

"I am happy," she said slowly in English, "you make happy."

Jimmy looked up at her in surprise. She had a beautiful smile on her face, her eyes shone with tears.

"Com'ere, sweetie," was all he could think to say.

He patted the spot next him on the bed. Sparrow nodded, put the mug on the floor and moved over until she was comfortable, laying in the crook of his arm. Jimmy placed a kiss on the top of her head and sighed.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you, why the Great Spirit sent you to me, but I ain't going to look at that too hard. I know it's only been a few weeks, but I can't imagine my life without you by my side like this," he said as he squeezed her closer to him. Then he shifted a bit until they were laying side by side so she could better see his signs.

"I'm sorry I went and got sick on you. Here I had been thinking that taking a while to get to Rock Creek would be alright, cause Lou is going through some powerful grief herself. Thought it might bring back some bad memories, but then_ I_ did that for you, worse maybe even than being around Lou. I'll listen to your warnings from here on out, alright?"

Sparrow nodded. She saw the warmth in his light brown eyes for her and snuggled in closer. He was going to get better, she could feel his strength, his energy. She allowed herself to relax for the first time in days, and immediately felt sleepy. Jimmy ran a hand down her cheek, she made a murmuring sound of contentment.

"I do make you happy, don't I? Might even be about as much happiness as you bring me. It's some sort of miracle. We suit each other, Sparrow."

'I never laugh when I live with Kiowa. You make me laugh every day. You are in my heart, Jimmy,' she signed languidly as she grew increasingly sleepy.

"You're in my heart too, Sparrow."

Sparrow gazed at Jimmy intently. His eyes reflected the truth of his words. She moved even closer to him.

'Get better soon, Jimmy,' she signed with a yawn. Jimmy put his hand in hers, then allowed his eyes to close. Moments later they were both asleep.

* * *

><p>A loud bang of the door flying open woke them up a while later. Sparrow was up and over by the table clutching one of Jimmy's guns before Jimmy even had a chance to sit up and understand what was going on.<p>

"_Merde! Qu'est-ce qui se passe ici_?"

A large, older obviously French trapper stood in the open doorway of the cabin. _His_ cabin, Jimmy realized instantly. He had his rifle trained on Sparrow. Sparrow held his gun steady, pointed right at the man's heart. She looked furious.

"Sparrow, put the gun down. We'll try to talk this out," he said as he tried to get her attention to look at his signs.

She never turned her head, but growled at the intruding man instead.

"_Parles-tu francai_s?" The Frenchman asked, casting a leery eye on Sparrow.

"If you're asking if I speak French? Not a word. Neither does Sparrow here, I don't think. She does know you've got a gun pointed at her though... she don't like it." Jimmy said as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

He moved to stand next to Sparrow and put a hand on her arm to lower the weapon, but she wouldn't budge. He sighed and leaned against a chair as he looked at the trapper pointedly.

"_D'accord," _the trapper said as he lowered his rifle, "_Je M'appelle Jean-Baptiste Toulouse, et vous?"_

Jimmy sighed in relief as Sparrow lowered the gun as well,

"You said your name is Jean... Baptiste, is it? I'm Jimmy, this is Sparrow, and we must be in your cabin," Jimmy said with a cough as he sat down.

"_Oui_... Yes. I will use your English words. My cabin. You must leave. I will need now."

'Is he saying we have to go? You are not well to travel!' Sparrow signed with a flourish.

Jimmy rubbed his fingertips to his temples. His headache was getting worse, 'wait,' he signed to Sparrow before turning back to Jean-Baptiste.

"Look, Jean, I'm sorry we're in your cabin. We needed it when Sparrow got hurt and now I've been sick, but you'll see we've kept the place nice and tidy for you."

"You are young man, you will take your horse, recover on the trail." Jean-Baptiste said as he turned to look at Sparrow more closely.

"Your woman is beautiful, _non_? She may stay if you want to be free of her burden," he took a step closer to Sparrow who just glared at him.

"Free...burden?" Jimmy sputtered.

'What did he say?' Sparrow demanded.

"We're leaving now," he said and signed for both of their benefits, then just for Sparrow,

'we're not safe here.'

Sparrow scoffed,

'This fat man will fall asleep soon. Then I will kill him. I am sorry I never made a scalp shirt.'

Jimmy snorted trying not to laugh.

'Ok, so we leave so that it is safe for _him_.'

"What is she saying?" Jean-Baptiste eyed Sparrow suspiciously, "did she just sign?" and then he repeated the motion for 'kill'.

Jimmy should've known the trapper would know at least a few signs, the important ones anyway. He thought about going into detail about how Sparrow could kill him, just to watch the man squirm, but instead just smiled and shook his head.

"You don't want to know."

* * *

><p>Jean-Baptiste watched them through hooded lids from his chair at the table, his rifle resting in his lap as they packed their things. Sparrow helped Jimmy dress, then loaded up the horses. They were on the trail headed to Rock Creek within a half hour. It would be slow going.<p>

Several days later they were finally making some progress. Jimmy figured if they pushed on just a little bit further that evening, got a few hours of rest with an early start in the morning, they'd make Rock Creek by the following afternoon. It was helping that he felt about as good as new. He grudgingly had to admit that Sparrow's awful tasting teas were doing their job. Also helping their progress was the fact that Sparrow was a damn fine horsewoman. Not that he should have been surprised. Buck was one of the best riders they had. He could probably do a handstand on his horse at full gallop and Sparrow was the same way. She rode her dark brown mare with a straight back and effortless grace. With her long flowing hair tossed back in the breeze and the way her eyes shone when she caught his glance, she was a beautiful and alluring sight to behold.

She caught Jimmy watching her throughout the day and felt heat creep onto her cheeks. She felt like a girl at her first summer gathering, watching all the young braves stomp the earth and charge into each other to impress her and the other young women. She had only just started to appreciate this showing off as anything other than silly games when she had been given to Fast Thunder at fifteen summers. Soon after she was a mother. She grew to appreciate her husband as a man, father, warrior, but never had he made her heart race the way Jimmy could with just a look, a touch. His face was so open, she could see his desire for her. Now that his strength had returned and she was healed, she felt his longing feeding her own.

They made camp after dusk and ate the pemmican Sparrow had packed followed by what she promised would be the last tea Jimmy would have to drink. They sat in companionable silence as the stars took their place in the night sky. A half moon shone brightly and gave just enough light to cast a reflection in the creek right next to their campsite.

Jimmy scooted next to Sparrow after putting a little more kindling on their small fire. He had been thinking over some things all day, and now that he was actually able to give his jumbled feelings a name, the words were burning in his mouth, begging to be released.

"Sparrow, I was hoping I could talk to you..." he began awkwardly. He gulped and cleared his throat. He had never been one for pretty words and cursed that fact, as Sparrow looked at him expectantly.

"I know we haven't known each other all that long, sometimes I forget that though. Feels like I've known you all my days. I need to tell you something before we get to Rock Creek tomorrow. How I'm feeling for you ain't going to go away when we get there. If anything I'm going to miss it just being you and me, despite how much I've missed everyone. You're special to me, like no other woman's ever been to me and that ain't going to change. I..." he stopped his voice and his hands.

He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but he had no idea what the sign was for love, as a woman for a man. Sparrow's eyes were wide for him. He chose to say the words anyway. He needed to say them out loud, even if it was only for himself,

"I love you, Sparrow."

Sparrow recognized the passion in his voice even if she didn't know the words. She leaned into him, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, smiling into his mouth when he groaned.

"Mmm, wait now, I need to finish this in signs you can understand," he thought for a moment and then smiled.

"My heart is yours... always."

She watched the signs and felt warm all over. She blinked away rapidly gathering tears.

'Make ready for bed. I must wash.'

Sparrow leaned over and kissed the top of his head, then bounded up and walked quickly towards the stream. Jimmy sat there for a minute, watching her retreating back, wondering what in the world that reaction could mean. He had a pretty good idea her feelings were just as strong as his. Women were supposed to say the words back if they felt the same way, weren't they? She didn't seem to be coming back right away so he let out a heavy sigh and got to the work of making the beds for the night. He put out his bedroll and his blankets as well as her blankets right next to his. He stripped to his long johns and had just put himself under his covers when he heard her approaching.

"Sparrow?"

It took a moment, but she replied softly,

"Jimmy"

She said a few words in Kiowa that he didn't understand, she wasn't close enough yet to see her and he doubted he'd be able to see her signs in the darkness anyways. When she finally came into view, Jimmy's mouth dropped open. She was completely naked. She kneeled down beside him, and reached out her hands, she said his name again, whisper soft. Without another word, Jimmy opened his blanket for her. She crawled in next to him and he got to the work of keeping her warm. He had a fleeting thought of a conversation he had with Buck long ago. Sacredness, becoming one, marriage. As they began the dance as old as time, a tangle of arms, legs and pleasured moans, he knew exactly what this step meant in Sparrow's eyes. The moment he made her his own shook him to his very core. He could feel their souls and futures intertwining, as surely as if they were standing before the most holy of men. Later as they lay spent in each other's arms, he felt a deep sense of peace. Sparrow, his wife, loved him.

* * *

><p>'I do not understand why I must wear this metal band, Jimmy.' Sparrow signed with a frown as she drew her horse closer to his.<p>

It was rare for her to be nervous, but she was now, and Jimmy knew it. The reality that she was entering the white world was starting to sink in. Sparrow fingered the decorative lace on one of the sleeves of her riding outfit and longed for some colorful beadwork. She was quite skilled at beading and prided herself in the ability. The white women's clothes though, the lace... she wouldn't know where to start. She didn't know where she'd start in just about everything and the thought made her panicky. Which is why she appreciated Jimmy's constant stream of chatter the closer they got to Rock Creek. He told her in detail about everyone he considered family. He told her more about Running Buck than she had ever known. He even was taking a roundabout route so they'd miss the town all together and go straight to the ranch. That relieved her more than she'd care to admit.

Jimmy reached over and grabbed her hand in his, and gave her fingers a squeeze.

"Cause, Sweetheart, in the white world when two people get hitched, they wear wedding rings. It's a tradition. Make sure any man sniffing round you knows your taken." Jimmy concluded somewhat possessively.

Sparrow watched the signs with confusion. Her mind was such a whirl of thought, she had almost forgot what she had asked him initially. Then she smiled in spite of herself. Her husband. Jimmy understood what becoming one meant to her. In her heart she felt the Great Spirit's blessing. Joining her spirit with the wolf was her destiny. The realization filled her with such joy she spontaneously pulled the lead of Jimmy's horse as close to her own as she could and kissed him full on the mouth.

"What was that for?" Jimmy asked, half tempted to find a nearby stand of trees to seek the fulfillment that kiss promised.

"_Aim own p'ayle doe_," She said in the words of her people, then she took his hand and put it over her heart, her eyes begged him to understand.

"Do those words mean 'I love you'?" Jimmy asked, his smile grew ear to ear.

Sparrow thought about it.

'Yes, Kiowa words, white words mean the same.'

Jimmy pulled her into his lap, causing her to giggle and her horse to prance a bit before settling down.

"You don't have to wear a ring if you don't want to. I know what we are to each other," he said as he nuzzled her, his breath hot against her neck.

She sighed with eyes half closed.

'This ring is important to your people, I will wear it.'

"I'd much rather have you wear me, but spose that will have to wait for later."

Sparrow let out a laugh as she realized what she meant. Her fingers found his sides and she tickled him until he could take no more and stilled her hands with his own.

"We could even have a ceremony and papers all signed and legal that you're my wife. We could have friends come and Rachel could make some of her famous vittles and..." he stopped as he saw the confusion and anxiety obvious on her face.

"Well we can talk about all that some over time. What's important is that we're married, according to the Kiowa anyway. That's good enough for me."

'You will have to tell me more of ceremony. To Kiowa, when you share a tipi... married. I share your tipi, I am happy'.

Jimmy gave her a squeeze then looked ahead. His heart skipped a beat at the sight. Then he said to Sparrow softly as he signed,

"See that up there? It may not be a tipi, but it's the next best thing. That building up there is the ranch. We're home."

Sparrow peered at the horizon. The gently rolling stream on one side of the land. Large long horned animals grazing on fresh, green grass. A few chickens pecking at the dirt near the house. Her previous nerves faded away. Though she had never seen it before, she somehow knew this peaceful land. His home would now be her home, and his people, her people.

Jimmy hopped off his horse and then reached his arms out for her to dismount. He held her tightly in his arms, and gave her one last firm kiss before looking around.

"Sorta surprised no one heard us coming and came out to greet us. Wonder what's going on?" He took the steps in one long jump and threw open the front door,

"Hello, anyone home?"

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><p><strong>AN: Another chapter ends and a new chapter (in the lives of Jimmy and Sparrow anyways) begins. They're in love and now they're home! And what in the world could be going on at the ranch, so that no one is there to greet them? Tune in next time, for more adventures of our heroes in the continuing saga of Days of our Lives (or Divided, whichever)! **

**How are Buck and Lou doing? How will Lou react once Amanda finally spills the beans that she's in the family way... and oh yeah... Buck being reunited with his cousin and she's taken up with Jimmy. That might be... interesting :)**

**A big thank you to Mariel for providing me the link to a decent Kiowa dictionary. I had been looking for a long time, thank you, my friend! **

**I promise I'm writing the next chapter even now. My parents are in town for a week though... bah! I suppose I can't just ignore them every evening all week. **

**Anyways! Thanks for reading and reviewing! You guys are the best!**


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: I don't usually post a note up top, but I thought I should this time. I write with music about 95% of the time. About half way though this chapter (you'll know when). I wrote to Whole Lotta Love by Led Zepplin and then At Last by Etta James. Just a musical selection suggestion, if you are reading in a place where you can pull up youtube :)**

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><p>Chapter 35- June 1862<p>

_Oh my sweet Lulubelle, _

_I wish I could snatch back every word of my last letter, after receiving word from Mr. Spoon today. I'll give this to Jimmy, I know he'll high tail it back to your side... My heart is breaking for you, I wish with all my might I could be with you this very hour... I have been in your shoes... I was so scared before I had Samuel... I never thought I could open my heart to another man, another child... Let time be the bandage about your heart, you may not believe it, but you will mend... You are loved... your family loves you. Lean on us all... All my love, Emma_

Lou put down her morning cup of coffee and let her eyes drift over the well read piece of paper, catching phrases, snippets of Emma's letter to her. _You will mend_, it said. There had been a flurry of letters back and forth since. There had been much to tell Emma. The horrible soldiers who had shot Buck. Cody leaving and then Buck's gradual, but complete recovery. She hadn't been able to really appreciate the letter currently in her hands at the time she got it, but now the words were able to rest over her, like the comforting blanket they were intended to be.

As she looked up from her spot at the kitchen table and peered out the window, her eyes strained for the evidence of the voices she heard. Jeremiah and Buck talking, then Buck's burst of laughter followed by Theresa's giggles. Buck finally came into view, walking between her siblings. Lou got up and went to the window, a smile spreading across her face as she watched him. With the letter clutched to her chest, she studied his walk, the tilt of his head as he listened to something Jeremiah was saying. He looked so well, so _healthy _now. The more he smiled, the larger her own smile became. There was no outward sign of how close he came to death, how close she came to losing him. Just as that horrible memory hit her, Buck turned and looked towards her, he slowed his pace and peered into the window. Lou's breath caught in her throat as Buck's expression changed. The smile slid from his face, in it's place was an intensity she could feel to her toes. His eyes held a riot of emotions, she didn't understand them all, but she knew they were directed towards her. Theresa pulled on his arm to get his attention and he turned his face away, his smile returning as he listened to whatever she had to say.

Lou stepped away from the window. Her heart was racing and her palms felt sweaty, all over one simple glance._ Grab a hold of yourself, Lou, _she thought as she inwardly groaned over her behavior. _This is Buck you're thinking about, your brother, best friend and you're not some silly school girl anymore. _It felt like the height of foolishness, letting her heart pitter patter over a man that had she had lived life with, day in and out for over two years now. _But he's not just another man, friend or brother, _a quiet but insistent voice in the back of her mind called, _he's so much more, and you were almost too late figuring that out. _

"Maybe I still am," she muttered out loud to herself as she made her way to the front door.

Though outwardly not much had changed since the kiss in Doc Gollmer's office, Lou knew deep down everything had. They were teetering on the edge of something big, she knew it, she felt Buck knew it too, but it just hadn't happened yet. Her two steps forward were answered with his two steps back. She sighed as she stepped outside into the bright sunlight of what was sure to be an unseasonably warm day and walked towards Buck and her siblings.

"Louise! Buck is going to take me and Jeremiah into town... Connie Stevens invited me over to visit and her Ma even said I could spend the night, if it's alright with you. I could go with them to church tomorrow and everything. Maybe her Pa could bring me back afterwards... Louise?"

Lou blushed as she realized she hadn't been paying attention to Theresa's words as much as she had been to Buck quietly watching her. Jeremiah snorted his amusement and promptly tried to cover the sound with a cough, leaving her more flustered.

"Um, yes, Connie Stevens you said? Her folks are good people, of course Sugarbear, you can go. Have a great time, alright? See if you can get Mrs Steven to make some of those cookies of hers and sneak some home too, if you can." Lou said with a wink as she wrapped her arm around her sister and gave her a squeeze before turning to her brother.

"'Miah, what are you going to town for?"

"I told Janusz I would help him catch up on some work. He's got too many orders coming due and he wants to finish em up and get back to Amanda cause, he just does I guess." It was Jeremiah looking flustered now and Lou wondered why.

"Well, if you see her, tell her I said hello and I'd like to see her soon. It's been a while." Lou said with a tinge of sadness.

"Sure, I will. Don't expect me home til late. I'll take one of the horses from the team home," Jeremiah agreed as he patted Lou on the head. Lou wrinkled her nose at him.

"I know you've been sprouting like a weed, Jeremiah McCloud, don't need to remind me every chance you get," she said with a laugh as she tried to reach up and ruffle her brother's hair, but he dodged behind Buck, leaving Lou to nearly stumble right into Buck's chest.

"I grew almost six inches between sixteen and seventeen, I bet Jeremiah's going to pass me up next week." Buck said with a smile as he gently held Lou's shoulders. He released her once he knew she had her balance back.

"So are you going to come back soon then? Maybe we could spend some time together... I have some cleaning to do, but maybe after?" Lou said awkwardly.

She reached out and touched his arm, but dropped her hand when she felt him subtly stiffen.

"Not sure what time I'll be back. Need talk to Janusz bout the brand he's been designing for the ranch, stop in at the office, then the merchantile for a few things." he said lightly, but Lou could hear the tension he tried to hide.

"Oh," she started lamely, then straightened herself up, "well, I'm going to get to that cleaning. The floors are filthy. Sugarbear have a wonderful time with your friend and I'll see you two later," she said before turned back towards the house,

"oh and Buck, we could use another bag of flour, if you're stopping by Tompkins," she tossed over her shoulder as she walked. She didn't look back.

"Now why'd you go and say that to her? You don't got nothing real important going on in town, you could come right back. Obvious she wants you to." Jeremiah said under his breath as he nudged Buck.

Buck let out a deep sigh as he watched Lou walk away,

"I don't know, 'Miah. I don't know."

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><p>Buck was quiet and wore a contemplative frown as they rode into town and pulled up to Janusz's shop. Theresa was too excited to notice. She gave him a quick hug and bounced off towards her friend's house as soon as the buckboard had stopped moving. Jeremiah noticed though and rolled his eyes, before hopping down to go greet Janusz.<p>

"Good morning, Jeremiah, Buck. How are you on fine day as today?" Janusz asked as he wiped his hands on his work apron.

"Well, I'm ready to work, and Buck is mooning over my sister... so, a pretty normal day, I think," Jeremiah said as he shook Janusz's hand.

"Mooning_'?_ I have never heard this English before. What is 'mooning'?" Janusz asked quizzically as he walked over to greet Buck.

"How Buck acts whenever he's around, or thinking bout my sister? That's mooning," Jeremiah said, shrugging with a half smile as Buck shot him a glare.

"Shut up, Jeremiah. I'm still bigger than you,"

Janusz nodded his head in understanding,

"Ah... In Polish we call this, '_zakochiwanie sie'. _To love a woman, yes? Your Lou is like my Amanda. I could not fight against it," Janusz glanced across the street to the windows above the saloon where Amanda was currently sleeping in. His face softened as he imagined her curled up with his pillow, "It is better to lose fight, my friend. Much better."

"Well, I'm going to get to it." Jeremiah said, clearing his throat, happy to leave the older men to their musings.

Janusz nodded his assent to Jeremiah before turning back to Buck. Janusz regarded him quietly, making Buck feel even more awkward than when Jeremiah decided to open his big mouth. He wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but there was still business to discuss.

"So... the brand. The design we picked out. Is it coming along alright?" Buck asked as he looked over the display of tools on the work bench.

"Yes. Is good. I will finish, then send with Jeremiah. You see if you like."

"Sounds good," Buck reached up to tip his hat to Janusz, then make a break for the door, but Janusz called out to his retreating back.

"You are going to tell her, of this mooning?"

Buck turned around and frowned,

"Not sure,"

"Before I tell my Amanda, it was like fire in belly. It would not leave. Then I tell her, I have peace."

Buck leaned against the door frame of the shop. He took off his hat and let his hand fall until the hat slapped against his leg.

"It's worked out well for you and Amanda, but I doubt anyone is going to want to kill you, or Amanda just for being with you because of the color of your skin. We got lucky this last time, and those two... soldiers," Buck sneered, "are dead... but Cody had to leave town just for protecting us... and it's only just now that I'm healed up enough to work full time at the ranch and for Teaspoon." Buck's anger faded to something close to defeat. He kicked against the dirt of the floor before glancing up at Janusz's calm face. Janusz's lips tweaked into a half smile,

"Is this all? The only reason?"

"Well, there other things I've thought of," Buck said with a defiant tilt of his chin.

"You do not need to say. Buck, I do not have your skin, but I am foreigner. You know what happened to me, years ago. I didn't know the English. Even now, it not so good. These small people, they hate me because I am different. Sometimes it hard for Amanda, but I did not make choice for Amanda. She chose. She chose me anyway. I say Lou is like Amanda... they are as to sisters," then Janusz paused and put his heavy hand on Buck's shoulder,

"You talk to her, you will see. You will have peace."

Buck looked up at his friend and finally nodded,

"I'll think about it... but speaking of sisters, Lou's missing hers. Amanda's going to have to tell her about the baby soon."

"Who told? We have not said..." Janusz trailed off, furrowing his brow.

"No one, but I have eyes, I think Jeremiah's figured it out and Teaspoon and Rachel have their suspicions too. The cat's going to come out of the bag, whether she wants it to or not."

Buck patted Janusz on the arm, before turning to go,

"Congratulations, by the way."

Janusz just nodded as he watched Buck leave,

"Why put cat in bag?" he muttered to himself as he got back to work.

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><p>Buck left Katy at Janusz's shop for Jeremiah, then walked down the boardwalk towards the Marshall's office and peeked in. He saw Teaspoon propped up in his chair with his hat over his face, gently snoring. Buck stood in the doorway for a second before turning away with a smirk. The old man needed his rest. He'd probably want to talk about things Buck would rather not talk about anyways. Buck rushed through Tompkins, in the end only buying the bag of flour Lou requested before turning the buck board towards the ranch.<p>

He felt an odd sort of nervousness as he thought about Lou waiting for him at home. She wanted to spend time with him, just the two of them. It had been something he had been partially avoiding for the last several months. The kiss in Gollmer's office, her affection and care since he had been shot assured him that he was more than just the "bestest friend a girl could ever have". She had feelings for him now, as a woman to a man, she told him every day as she greeted him in the mornings, made his favorite dishes, smiled with a special light in her eyes as they all talked around the dinner table. He wasn't hiding his feelings for her either, really. Jeremiah was right, he did "moon" over her. So why couldn't he just reach out and grab her, make her his?

What he told Janusz was only part of what made him hesitate. It was true, they ran a real risk of trouble on down the road, the next time someone took exception to their relationship. The problem with the logic though, is that most everyone who learned they lived out on the ranch together already assumed they were "living in sin", like the soldiers had. The only way make sure Lou was genuinely safe in her relationship with him, was to not have one at all, of any kind. His stomach lurched. No, even the idea of not having her in his life made his blood run cold. It would be like giving up part of himself and besides that, Lou had always loudly defended their right to be friends, to hell with what the rest of the world thought. Her tireless defense of his equality as a man was one of the many reasons he loved her. The deeper reason he hesitated made him feel much more cowardly. He was afraid, plain and simple. Hurt too... he remembered the words Lou spoke the night she was drunk like it was yesterday, "_I never really wanted you anyways_". Maybe Lou would willingly fall into his arms now with a clear head, but he wondered if he would he ever be more to her than a nice, convenient replacement for Kid. He didn't know the answer, part of him wasn't sure if he wanted to find out. His love for her ran deep, to the bone. Knowing for certain that she'd only ever be able to care for him, no more... he'd rather look down the barrel of another gun. That knowledge would tear him up inside, more than any bullet ever could.

Buck looked up to wipe the sweat away from his brow and was surprised to realize he was already back at the ranch. He had been so lost in his own thoughts, his horse could have taken him all the way to Omaha, he wouldn't have realized. Buck shrugged off his vest and rolled up his sleeves in response to the unusually hot June afternoon. He looked at the bag of flour and sighed. He'd put the buck board away first, then bring it in to Lou. A feeling of nervous anticipation grew as he looked towards the house and he felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. The air was different between them today, he could feel it. Something big was about to happen. As he got to the work of putting away the rigging, he tried to shrug off the feeling, but it wouldn't budge. His instincts were on alert and his instincts were hardly ever wrong.

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><p>"So much mud... how many times have I said to use the boot scrape by the door? Hundreds of times. Like they don't even have ears." Lou mumbled as she swished her brush around in her bucket of rapidly blackening water and went back to attacking the floor with the brush using both hands.<p>

She felt beads of sweat roll down her temples, to her neck as she moved.

"Not a day for cleaning in church clothes, that's for sure," she said out loud absently as sat back and spared a glance at the camisole and pantaloons she was wearing, they were wet with splashes of muddy water, but they would wash.

It was too hot to wear her usual work clothes and no one was home anyways, certainly not Buck who couldn't wait to ride away from her that morning. Just thinking about him made her scrub the floor with renewed vigor. She had done a lot of thinking over the last few months, and with the help of Emma's gentle words, she realized what she couldn't accept before. She was ready to move on... in everything. She would never forget the pain of losing Angel, but now she understood she didn't have to in order to embrace life again. Emma and Rachel had taught her that, leading by example.

Then there was The Kid. For the longest time she would immediately dismiss him from her thoughts. Remembering him brought up a jumble of emotions too powerful to deal with most days, but she was coming to peace with him too, lately. She still worried for him. Kid was in the middle of a war in God knows what kind of danger on a daily basis, it was only right to worry. But her anger over him leaving, not being there when Angel died, though not totally gone, had lessened. She doubted she ever would admit it to Kid, but the divorce did what he intended it to do, it set her free. It gave her the ability to see their relationship through new eyes. There had been as much bad as there was good. Her relationship with Buck showed her that things didn't need to be so 'contentious' all the time. It had been a word Teaspoon had used in exasperation when he'd been ready to wash his hands of the both of them before Kid had decided to leave for good. Lou had thought he was exaggerating at the time. She could only see now how right Teaspoon had been, in light of Buck's easy way with her, in the way he seemed to just understand her, no matter how she was feeling. He gave her space when she needed it, he held her close when she asked him too. He provided quiet companionship when they both wanted to be alone in their own thoughts. That he made her heart race when he looked at her, or smiled at her with that loopy grin of his, didn't hurt either. She could spend the rest of her days waking up next to that smiling face if he...

"My god, I'm a fool," she said aloud as she stopped to wipe a sweat soaked strand of hair out of her eyes and stretch the ache out of her back, "I really need to talk to Buck."

It was only then she heard footsteps on the porch. Her eyes flew to the door as she saw the latch slowly move.

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><p>Buck walked into the house and couldn't believe what his eyes were seeing, he felt the bag of flour slip from his arms and land to the floor with a thud, a little poof of powder dusting his pants. He swallowed hard,<p>

"Um, Lou... what are you doing?"

Lou felt heat rise to her already flushed face,

"Cleaning... it's hot."

Buck was losing the ability to think, he tried not to stare at her chest rise and fall rapidly, dampened by sweat and water.

"You're in your underwear."

"You've seen me in my underwear before," Lou said breathlessly as she slowly gained her feet from the floor.

"No, I've seen you in, uh, longjohns before, not this, um... womanly stuff... maybe I should go," he said, not moving a muscle as he watched her come towards him.

"Oh," Lou said self consciously as she ran a hand over her hair, loosely piled on top of her head, and noticed that her clothes were sticking to her skin. She looked up at him and met his eyes anyways. What she saw there emboldened her as she moved closer. He wanted her, she could feel it radiating off of him, see it in every tense muscle of his body.

"Please don't go, I need to talk to you. There's so many things I need to say to you... things I've needed to say to you for a long time. I don't want to hold it in anymore. I'm already sort of afraid I've waited too long," she said as she grabbed his hand in hers, her stomach did a little flip as she took in the sight of him.

His shirt was partially untucked, and open an extra button, she wanted to reach out and touch the bead of sweat she saw running down the middle of his chest.

"What is it, you can tell me anything, you know that," Buck said hoarsely, his throat suddenly feeling very dry.

"I'm sorry for pushing you away for so long,"Lou said softly as she squeezed his hand a little tighter and let her eyes fall to the floor, "I wasn't in my right head for a lot of those days, but part of it was cause I knew you cared for me, and I didn't feel good enough for you... I thought I wasn't good enough for Kid and that God hadn't seen fit to make me a mother either... and you, well you're special Buck. I don't think you realize how special. I thought you should have the best girl in the whole wide world, and..."

Buck interrupted her by reaching his unsteady hand to her face and tipping her chin up,

"Why on earth would you think that? No one, no one at all could.."

"Don't say another word, just yet... I have to tell you..." she paused, closed her eyes tightly for a second and took a deep breath before meeting his intense gaze again,

"When you got shot and I almost lost you, I realized it didn't matter if I wasn't good enough for you, I cared about you too much to push you away 'for your own good' anymore... even if'n you could do better than me all wounded and broken like I felt, I couldn't..."

Buck watching in disbelief as Lou's eyes welled with tears, she took another step closer to him, dropping her hand as she let her hands rest on his waist, he felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest as he allowed his own arms to pull him closer in to him,

"Go on," he said in a whisper.

She looked up into the warmth in his brown eyes, her Buck patiently waiting, his feelings for her plain for her to see always, if she hadn't been so blind. Her eyes glowed as she broke into a wide smile,

"I can't ever let you go. I love you, Buck."

The words hung in the air for a heartbeat and then two, Buck tightened his hold on her,

"Don't say those words if you don't mean them, Lou, cause I won't let you take them back,"

Lou could see the hope and fear warring within him and let out a sound that was at the same time a laugh and a sob,

"I really have taken you down a rocky road, haven't I? Buck, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my whole life."

"You're sure?"

"Mmhmm, very sure."

"I'm not just a poor substitute for Kid, am I?" He said quietly, angry at himself for even bringing up his friend's name, but he had to know.

She let out a rueful laugh,

"No one could ever be a substitute for _you_, Buck... my heart belongs to you,"

Buck laughed then, feeling a joy long contained start to bubble up inside him,

"and you want me too? Lou... tell me you want me." he said slowly as he brought his mouth down closer to hers.

"oh god, yes" she breathed.

He smiled as he hovered close to her face, watching her lick her lips and part them,

"I love you too... Lou, I have always loved you." Buck growled out the second before his mouth claimed hers in absolute possession.

Lou's eyes flashed open at the force of his words, then at the force of his kiss, before groaning into his mouth, closing her eyes and melting into his arms. The floodgates had opened, Lou couldn't get enough of him, kissing him back with every ounce of passion inside her. She barely noticed they were moving, turning across the kitchen. They knocked over a chair, bumped into the table, tipping over a vase of flowers, causing it to roll off the table and shatter on the floor. Lou felt herself pushed up against the kitchen counter before Buck roughly picked her up and set her on top of it. Buck leaned back and looked at her, even as he held her tight to his body and took a deep breath. He glanced down at himself then at her, his shirt now hung open and the strings on Lou's camisole were so loose the garment was barely staying on her shoulders. Lou gazed at him, her eyes thick with passion before leaning in to kiss his neck. Buck groaned,

"We should stop,"

Lou moved up to his ear, then to his jawline,

"Why?"

Buck tried to remember why,

"So I don't take you right here in the kitchen."

"Oh... that sounds exciting."

Buck honestly thought about it, then shook his head, cupping her face with both hands.

"Are you ready for this? I want you to be sure... it's going to change things."

Lou smiled, held his hands in hers before leaning in to whisper in his ear,

"Buck, I need you to take me to my bedroom and make love to me... now."

He didn't need to be told twice. In one fluid motion he picked Lou up in his arms and carried her to her room. She giggled and held tightly to his neck as he kicked open the door, stepped through it, then shoved it closed with his foot. Clothes were quickly discarded and hearts raced as their two bodies became one. As they slowly came down to earth, Buck and Lou looked into each other's eyes with the same mix of joy and awe. It was all either of them could have ever hoped for and more.

"Did that really just happen?" Buck asked in wonder as he ran a hand down the length of her face before leaning down to kiss the tip of her nose.

"Mmmm, yes... I think so. My head's so fuzzy though, we may have to try again, just to be sure."

Buck laughed as he moved slightly, so he was laying just next to her. He whispered in her ear,

"Little minx, you about did me in the first time, you're going to have to give me a bit to recover."

Lou only murmured in response, she smiled mischievously as she turned and worked her hands over his body. Buck laid back and reveled in her touch, thinking about all the months, no years... he wanted to be exactly where he was, right then.

"Ok, I think I'm ready," he said abruptly, twisting her in his arms as Lou let out a squeal of delight.

He was determined to make sure she never, ever forgot what it was like to make love to him.

Both Buck and Lou were so lost in each other, they didn't hear the horses come into the yard or the front door open. Suddenly they heard a voice, too close,

"Hello? Anyone home? Watch out for that broken vase, sweetie... and stay behind me, something ain't right."

Buck and Lou froze.

"Oh no, that sounds like..." Buck started before being interrupted by the door flying open, "Jimmy."

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><p><strong>AN: Can we say it all together? "At Laaaaaaaast"! I'm so happy for these two! and of course you should be getting another chapter from me soon, cause... hee hee! The image in my head of the four of them standing in that room, all doing double takes is practically writing itself :)**

**I don't know what it was, maybe just being nervous about writing this much anticipated scene, but the muse shut up for quite a while... I have to say thank you to Guest reviewer who said some very kind things about this story and gave me the shot in the arm I needed. Thank you so much for your encouragement! I appreciate it so much. Hope you all enjoy! :)**


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